Abused by someone posing as a champion of LGBTQ+ Rights

[Nicholas]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm new here to the community. I've come here because I'm facing a campaign of harassment, psychological abuse and threats by my former girlfriend, who is a MtF transwoman with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).  Since I broke up with her, she has targeted me with very hateful and vicious emails targeting the fact that I'm gender fluid and sexually versatile. She has mocked me, humiliated me, degraded me and threatened to use (stolen) pictures of me presenting as a woman to destroy my professional reputation, family relationships and  persuade my cis-gender ex that I am a "pervert" who should  no longer be allowed to see our six year old daughter. I had never, ever imagined that anyone could do such things, much less someone who is in a transition and is in fact posing as a champion of trans rights at her workplace and reaping the benefits of it.

 

A word about me and my gender fluidity

 

I have never been ashamed of my gender fluidity or sexuality. But I guess like many others who are fluid/non-binary/pansexual, exploring these self issues and finding a satisfying place within yourself is a long, trial-and-error kind of process, and it is often painful and disorientating. For me, my process began at 6 years old. I had confusing feelings around my gender, spent a lot of time dressing as girl, had feelings for other boys as well as for cisgender girls. It continued and intensified in my teenage years. I had same sex experiences and began feminizing myself increasingly, on and off. In my twenties, my confusion grew to impossible levels. Even though I was presenting as a heterosexual male, and was involved in a long term relationship with a cisgender woman, I began feminizing more and more and eventually considered a transition. I explained to my partner at the time and, even though it was painful for her, she accepted the possibility I might transition and pledged to support me.

 

I thus began a psychotherapy to prepare my transition and to set up medical appointments. However, the more concrete the idea of transitioning became, the more I began to feel a resistance within myself to the idea of changing my physical appearance. A part of me loved my "male" self, my beard, my broad shoulders, my height. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't amputate those parts and remain myself and love myself. It took me several more years to recognize that I'm gender-fluid and pansexual and to inhabit my masculinity in non-binary way and feel good about it.

 

My relationship with a trans woman suffering from NPD

 

When, a year and a half ago, I met Eva (not her real name) through a dating app, I didn't know she was transgender. But on our first date, she told me she had been in a transition for the last five years.  From the beginning, I told her I had never been with a trans woman before, but shared with her that I had also experienced an intense period of gender confusion earlier in my life. Her first reaction was difficult for me because she immediately questioned my "masculinity" and my sexual orientation. She seemed to view me with suspicion and expressed doubts about going further in our relationship. She said she needed an "alpha male" and that being with someone who was gender fluid was fueling her dysphoria. I tried to reassure her and explain how my self perception and sexuality had evolved over time to settle (as far as I can tell) in a place where I can say I do not feel desire for other men, only women (whether cis or trans). I no longer have a need to feminize or to have sexual intimacy with men, though I sill sometimes wish I could switch gender. She seemed to accept my explanations and to accept me, with my history and experience.

 

Though I didn't realize it at the time, she has NPD and this would become a huge problem in our relationship. At first, she appeared like the ideal partner. She seemed independent, healthy in her communication, well balanced, empathetic. But as our relationship grew, she became more and more psychologically abusive: she would constantly project her insecurities, attack my self-esteem, gaslight me, denigrate my achievements. She would, in particular, criticize and call into question my "masculinity", slighting me with ambiguous remarks. While she demanded constant ad immediate attention, admiration and gratification, she was indifferent to my own challenges and interests. She would terrorize me emotionally by regularly threatening to leave me whenever I dared to speak up or give her feedback on her behaviors. She was intolerant to any criticism, however constructive, and would deny even the most basic facts. There was only one valid point of view: her's. If I dared to say otherwise, she would say I was aggressive, manipulative and fueled drama.

 

During confinement, her abuse grew to unimaginable proportions. I was exhausted and began to develop physical symptoms. I had a loss of hearing, my speech became blurred as if I could no longer find my words, I developed a potentially fatal eye infection. She had isolated me from my family and friends and I started to doubt my own sense of reality. Even then I thought she loved me and I supported her blindly in everything she did. One of her big projects was to become a high-profile spokesperson on behalf of transgender women. As I am a professional speechwriter, she asked me for my help on how to craft her speeches and platform. And I did.

 

However, in the beginning of July, I was suddenly awakened to the reality of our relationship and of her abuse. To cut a long story short, I decided to end our relationship. Since then, my life has been a nightmare. I discovered that, while we were together, she secretly hacked into my computer and stole pictures of my feminized younger self. She has harassed me with calls and abusive emails, spied on my social media, spread false and malicious allegations about me in our circle of friends. She has threatened me, my family, my job. She has mocked me, tried to humiliate me because I used to feminize and to weaponize those images of me as my feminine self to destroy me on every level.

 

Of course, I understand this behavior has everything to do with NPD and nothing to do with the fact that she is transgender. But I'm very hurt and destabilized by the fact that a transgender woman could do this to someone who is gender fluid when she presents herself as a champion of LGBTQ+ rigths. She recently successfully shot to fame within a very high profile company by sharing the story of her transition (a speech which I wrote) and posing as someone who is caring and compassionate. I don't fear her threats, but I feel violated. I entrusted this person with the most intimate details of my life, and she has used it against me in the most vicious and violent way to attack my mental health. Even as I write this, my limbs are trembling due to the shock I feel. I don't know how to react or what to do for this to stop. I think of my six year old daughter, and I just want her to be safe.

 

Thank you for reading and for trying to understand my story.

 

Nicholas

[tracy_j]

Hi Nicholas, welcome to TransPulse.

 

Here you will find friendly people who, in many cases, have been through similar things. Please don't hesitate to read and join in.

 

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. It sounds like 'Eva' is really nasty and probably has mental issues of her own. My take on this is to obtain legal advice and prepare for any eventuality. I don't know what help and support is available in your country but I feel it essential. Who knows how far she will go. Obviously you need to change passwords etc on your computer.  How close does she live to you? I know it will be difficult but please try not to let emotion cloud your judgement in sorting things out.

 

Tracy

[VickySGV]

I am sad ot say this, but you are going to have to get the Mental Health authorities involved with this person.  You use a diagnostic term, and if that was given by a medical professional, then you already know that ordinary avoidance is not possible.  It will take intervention by community professionals to get the person off your back and help you repair what can be.  I have met Behavioral Health people from your country and know that they are well educated in positive ways to help the Trans / Queer people there, but you have to let them know about the situation.