Third Appointment.

[HollyElizabeth]

OK, so today I had my third appointment with my gender therapist, and today we talked about what I think will happen after my transition was all done. I was honest and told her that I would be happy in the end, I wouldn't be miserable and I hoped to get off disability because I hope since I'm going to be happy that I hope I can lose my weight and all my medical issues would go away. And the biggest thing I hope will happen is that my depression would go away. We talked about the doubts I've had about if I was doing the right thing or not with transitioning. She said it was normal to have the doubts when someone starts to transition and those doubts would eventually go away over time. She said to just push them out of my mind and continue on because eventually I would end up where I needed to go. I told her that if she said I could go to the hospital right now, check myself in, get into a gown, and go to the OR, I would. She said there is no doubt, I said not one. We talked about if she thought I just liked to wear woman's cloths , if i were a crossdresser. She asked me if I wanted to go all the way and get the bottom surgery, I said yes. She said then I wasn't a crossdresser, that I was transgender. I love my therapist and if I could I would see her everyday. Shes like an old friend and is so easy to talk to. She likes that I come here when I'm unable to see her. She does the tele-video thing, but I would have to go someplace else more private, Mom is here and I don't need here getting involved.

 

I asked her about if she would be ok writing me the letter for hormones if I needed one. She said yes and that she has written the hormone letter and the one needed for top surgery. I really hope I can get top surgery eventually. I have a family doctors visit on Sept 3, I'm going to ask the doctor about getting hormones. If he doesn't want to give them to me I'm going to go to Planned Parenthood. I really don't want to see a doctor that would have an issue with giving me what I need. I got to say that hearing my therapist say that she would help me start hormones has giving me hope and has made me excited for whats coming next. I got the excited feeling in my stomach.

 

Anyway Ive rambled for way to long, I'm just really excited that I will soon be able to start on HRT. The wait has been far too long.

[Lee H]

HI Holly Honey.

Great to "see" (?) ... "hear"(?) ... "read words" (?)  ... all adding up to, you're feeling better. Last time I wrote, it was about the guilt trip from Mom. This time, it's the hope trip from your therapist. Yeah, we still love 'em, they gave us birth, but it's way cool to have someone to "like" who's helping you realize a dream and accepts you just the way you are. Like your counselor, and your sisters on this Forum.

I'm still about a week away from my first appointment. Hope I get a counselor from VA who's as supportive and encouraging as the one you're seeing. I have one answer for all those questions ... "uh, I dunno. It just feels better." Hope that will be enough to be taken seriously compared to the certainty of "girls in waiting" like you.

My goal at the moment is HRT, then wait to feel the feelings. I'm very old, so I intend to kick back and savor any distance I can get down this path. 

 

But we absolutely are on the same page about feeling excited for what's coming next. I think the reason the clothes feel so comfortable is the femininity feels so good. How 'bout you?

 

~~With hugs, your sister Leah

[HollyElizabeth]

Leah, thank you so much. I keep telling my therapist that I want to be as feminine as I can be because I've spent the last 51 years trying to be male. I'm not on hormones but I'm slowly letting the female side of me out. I find now that I'm embracing the woman in me that I'm more caring, open, and understanding on all levels. Those are the very things my dad taught me that men never show, so I hid them away. The change that's happening to me right now feels so natural and so right, why did I ever wait.

 

I hope you get a therapist that you like and are truely comfortable with, it makes your transition so much better. I've decided that when I start HRT I'm not telling anyone. I don't need the judgement and its not anyones business but mine. Well I will say something here because I know you guys wont judge me. This place is such a great place. It's like an unofficial therapist office where I can talk about things that bother me because someone here has felt the way I do and can offer advice to help. I love you girls. Thank you for being there. And thank you jae bear for pointing me to this site.

[Jani]

12 hours ago, HollyNoel said:

She said it was normal to have the doubts when someone starts to transition and those doubts would eventually go away over time. She said to just push them out of my mind and continue on because eventually I would end up where I needed to go.

This is good counsel Holly.  You will have doubts at many of the steps you take and some are more difficult than others. Stay the course.  

 

When I was asked at my first appointment whether and when would I want GRS, I replied yes and yesterday.  When I asked my primary doctor about HRT or whether an Endocrinologist in the practice could prescribe neither had experience.  But I was referred to a wonderful practice that has taken care of me.  Don't get down if you have to look elsewhere for Hormone care.  I am certain you will find it. 

 

Jani 

[HollyElizabeth]

Thank you Jani. I love my therapist, shes amazing. I told her that I felt like shes been a friend of mine for years. I do realize that all those little voices in my head shouting at me that I'm making a mistake are only doing so to make me think about the unknown future. I know they will go away eventually. Someone once told me that doubt is just natural fear that everyone has. It's just natures little way to make us see both sides. The question you have to ask is are you going to let the fear of the unknown scare you from taking the path to happiness.

 

I plan on taking that path no matter how hard or scary it might be. I need to be happy more than I need to be scared. I know it's not going to be easy, I know there will be time when I want to give up. But there have been times in my past that I wanted to give up where I didn't care if I went on or not. I'm still here and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and it feels amazing. I refuse to go back, I don't care one bit what happens, I'm never returning to this old life. I just can't. Holly has been let out and shes here to stay. I'm letting her drive and I'm just going to go along for the ride. lol

[Lee H]

Hi Holly Honey

From what I gather, we don't need to struggle to avoid having those feelings of doubt or fear. We will; they are part of this journey. But at least for me so far, just letting myself back into my "en femme" head space feels so much nicer than beating myself up with "oh, it's just an addiction," or "oh, it's a delusion." So far, my best answer to the negative critic inside my head is to jump on this site, and enjoy being comfortable being a girl talking with other girls, and all of us being really kind to one another, 'cause we're all in this together.

That feels real, it feels really good, and I'm thinking the rest merely is ignorant, fearful noise. 

 

~~More Hugs,

Leah ~~

[HollyElizabeth]

Thank you Leah. This is what makes this site so great. It's an open and caring place where anyone can feel welcome.