Physical Intimacy in relationship

[ScrubBub]

I'm hoping to get some advice/ideas as to how I can work on myself so that I can save my relationship. I've been with my partner (cis woman) for several years, she is my person and best friend. I have every intention of spending my life with her. For over the better part of a year, I've been unable to be physically intimate with her, for reasons that I'm resolved to address now that my relationship is at stake. It's a complicated story, but basically my partner has expressed many times to me that she needs sex in a relationship to feel physically wanted and validated. She has zero problems with me being trans and respects me when I can verbalize what bothers me. I have neglected her despite having these conversations, because I've realized I tend to disassociate when confronted with the reality of my genitalia. It's been easier to shut down and push the feelings of stress about my hurting our relationship down. 

This has all come to a head in a rather dramatic way, when my partner recently asked me if I would mind if she has a woman as a sexual partner. I agreed, and didnt think it would bother  me but since then they have begun to feel romantic feelings for each other, which I realized bothers me a great deal. It bothers me not because I want to possess her, but rather I have realized that she is replacing that aspect of our relationship and developing a second committed polyamorous relationship when that isnt something we had agreed to as partners. She feels that through having sex with this person it has made her realize she had previously shut this part of her down, and she is petrified to go back to feeling that way. She has agreed to take a break with this other person so that she and I can work on our own sex life (mostly me addressing my dysphoria and unhealthy coping mechanisms so that we can have comfortable supportive and healthy sex). Emotions have run very high throughout this, and we are working on our communication and working through our hurt. I was hurt that she began to emotionally pursue a committed relationship with someone when that was not something I had consented to as a partner, and she holds a years worth of resentment and pain from my neglecting her needs. 

Basically, I'd like some insight or suggestions from anyone who has an idea of how I can work through this and come to terms with who I am and what genitalia I've been given so my partner and I can heal together. So far I've realized that my current packer is old gross and not bringing me confidence, so I've invested in a new one that I'm hoping will help alleviate that feeling. I've also ordered a prosthetic for sex that doesnt require a harness in the hope that it will also help me. I've also begun talking with her about things related to my transition and anxiety that I've never told anyone. We are also planning on having biweekly set times that we sit down and talk with each other about how we are feeling and what we need from each other. 

 

Sorry that this post is so long, and thank you very much for taking the time to read and talk with me about this. I've never been much involved in the community, I live my life very privately and am stealth in public. 

 

[Jackie C.]

It sounds to me like you're on the right track. You're communicating. That's the most important thing in a relationship. Next, you're looking for ways to make sure your partner gets what she needs. That's good! You both need to have your needs met to make the relationship work. Physical as well as emotional.

 

If it helps, set a time to be intimate. Don't say no to being spontaneous (and don't over-schedule. Nothing like "From 10pm to 10:30pm we will be intimate.") While my partner and I are up for whenever, we nearly always have couples time on Sunday morning. Neither of us have anywhere to be so we set aside those hours for just us.

 

Other than that, make sure to give her what she needs. Don't get so hug up on your genitals (honestly, this is SUCH a guy thing). You don't need them to give your partner pleasure. You know what she likes. She'll reciprocate. Again, communicate. If something bothers you, say so. Example: "Please don't touch me there." You could also try, "Hey, it would be great if you would..." There's no need to be demanding. Just enjoy each other.

 

Hugs!

[SL]

I agree with Jackie. There are plenty of ways to be intimate without sex. Cuddling during a movie or reading books or something is always nice. Cooking together is a great one and it's always fun to try a new recipe and see how badly it goes. Just try to find small things that you can enjoy doing while close to each other. Just hold her and kiss her on the forehead and tell her how that you love her and appreciate her. Sex is fun, but that number right there can go a long way.

 

When it comes to sex, set hard boundaries ahead of time. If being naked is difficult for you, make sure she doesn't try to remove your garments up to a certain point because that can be a real mood killer. If you don't feel "sexy" in that layer of clothes. Try different versions. TransGuy Supply makes jock straps (like the underwear) for trans guys that are also made to hold a packer. I haven't tried these, but I feel like it's a good compromise between being naked and covering your front parts. As for a top, maybe try like a white tank top with a half binder or a compression tank top so if your tank top comes up a little it won't be an issue. I'd definitely work on finding things that make you feel safe and sexy.

 

You know maybe her stepping up and complimenting you in better ways around "sexy-time" would help too. If my partner (hypothetical, I'm single rn) came up to me and said "D*mn you're handsome" while looking into my eyes and smiling I'd lose my crap. Maybe if a certain part of you makes you feel really euphoric (ie. facial feature, area of muscles, etc) her stroking that area or complimenting it would help probably help.

 

This is definitely something you two have to work on together. It may be frustrating at times, but I have hope you can work through this. At some point you may want to consider consulting a sex therapist. I hope the best for you!

[DonkeySocks]

As a previous reply said, tell her she's sexy, don't wait for a sexy bedroom scene to tell her about your romantic feelings.

 

Don't feed your performance anxiety. Ask your gf to help you shop for a toy for her. Recognize the value of skin-on-skin touch, on a scheduled date night, without making any further requirements of yourself. Communicate all through intimate interactions, being patient with your gf and with yourself.

 

Find out what you enjoy, for yourself, independent of a partner in bed. For "working on" yourself, you might start there. Your partner will want to please you, as well as have you please her. She will want to know what specific things you want from her. So find out ways to explore that, including romantic touch you can enjoy without involving areas you're emotionally fragile about, so you can pursue intimacy even during a dysphoria attack. You must feel free to be able to tell her whether you're too dysphoric for certain activities. In discussions outside of sex, ask her to provide some ideas for alternative intimate activities, and come up with some yourself.

 

Your post has two issues tangled together: the bedroom anxiety/dysphoria, and the polyamory.

 

All three of you made a very common mistake when you agreed to regulate emotions instead of actions. Since the agreement was made, your gf is right to abide by it, but any further poly interaction will go much better and more healthily if you express your own emotions rather than ask others to suppress theirs.

 

This is unhealthy, and it usually doesn't work: "You're not allowed to feel more for her than for me."
This is healthy: "I'm scared that your feelings for her will take you away from me. I'd like reassurance. I want to schedule some cuddle time." Your feelings count, too, and as your feelings shouldn't be suppressed, neither should your gf's, or the fwb's.

 

As she began to develop new feelings for the fwb, you might actually have been a little stranded, if she was giving a lot more time to the fwb. It's perfectly okay to ask for things like phones turned off, etc. so you know your date time is for the two of you.

 

I might be reading between the lines in your post an assumption on your part, possibly not supported by anything she's said, that if gf were satisfied with your sex life she wouldn't want anybody else. It is possible for a polyamorous person to be satisfied in one relationship and still want an additional partner. If you are definitely going to want nothing but monogamy, it's only fair and right to tell her that now.

 

Discussion questions for you and your partner, and your gf and her fwb:

If your sex life improves, is your gf expected to break up completely with the fwb? It's not fair to the fwb to be under the impression that this is a temporary "break" from your gf if it's actually a break-up.

 

It's also not fair to you, if you're thinking you have to perform at a certain level. If your own romantic relationship is conditional upon a satisfying sex life, are you going to be able to relax and enjoy sex, or anything else in your relationship? Beware having sex you don't want to have to try to keep a relationship going. That's not fair or honest to anyone.

 

On the other hand, it's totally okay to try to get yourself into the mood, just because you want to please the gf. It's healthy to try to open up for your loved one. It's the idea of holding the relationship ransom for sex that sets up red flags. If she says, "I need (whatever)" and you agree that her request is reasonable, and you work hard to fulfill her request, that's totally fine. But if you're bitter about it, and only trying to fill the letter of her request, that's not fair to her nor, ultimately, to yourself.

 

You are obviously both open to communicating and trying. Setting talk-dates sounds like a great idea. Best of luck.