Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

And I'm Kestrel!


Kestrel McLoughlin

Recommended Posts

Greetings! I'm endlessly relieved there still exists a forum like this online; forums have largely become a thing of the past, but I just understand these interfaces and they create communities of hundreds or thousands!

 

I'm off-topic already. Hello!

 

I'm Kestrel. I think.

 

Kestrel is a light in my body that gets warmer and closer to the surface all the time. It contextualizes a lot of who I am. And when I think of myself as Kestrel, I'm more... luminous? I'm bigger, I'm happier, I engender energy and joy in other people. And in myself.

 

I'll admit, there are still doubts.

 

I once said I'd never know for sure whether I was a woman while living in this society. Where gender is a standing propaganda campaign, where gender is a privatized volunteer police force who's pressganged almost the whole population, where gender is a lovely feeling inside you that's sometimes terrifying to show. Where telling even a bisexual spouse about what you're processing jeopardizes the specifics of your marriage...

 

I don't know what that will look like yet. I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling. It doesn't mean she's done something wrong. It just means I don't know what's real anymore.

 

My reluctance to come here was only because these huge questions I have to ask myself might trigger what hurts in some of you: I am processing a general dislike of what my body looks like right now, and yet there are lovely women who are in no way deflated in their femininity by hairy legs or flat chests.

 

But my excitement to come here is because I want to experiment with this lumonisty I feel. I want to call myself Kestrel to people and be friends, be community.

 

One day, I may put on that forest green dress in my dresser, with some purple leggings to contrast, and then I will twirl.

 

Outside.

 

Hello!

Link to comment

Welcome Kestrel 

3 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

One day, I may put on that forest green dress in my dresser, with some purple leggings to contrast, and then I will twirl.

Dang, this sounds like a killer outfit.   Hope to see it someday.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Kestrel McLoughlin I love your name. I want to welcome you and assure that you have found an incredible refuge to explore yourself safely and with others who can relate to you, answer questions, share experiences, comfort you when you are down, give advice based on their own journeys and most importantly are happy to hear from you unconditionally.

Shay

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 

 

Hi Kestrel,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I'm off-topic already. Hello!

 

I'm Kestrel. I think.

Hi Kestrel,

 

I'm instantly taken to my teenage years when I was into Falconry. The small Sparrow Hawk is beautifully colored and has a great hunting technique by hovering over open fields for it's pray. It can also fly precisely through the forest canopy.

 

Welcome to TransPulseForums we want you to fly safely and show off your plumage.?

 

Mindy?????

Link to comment
14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I want to call myself Kestrel to people and be friends, be community.

Hi Kestrel!  I think that was one of the most beautiful and eloquent Introductions I have read her on the Forum.

 

Nice to meet you, and Welcome!
 

14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling.

I have struggled with similar feelings.  I don't expect they will ever totally go away, but I do know that they can move farther and farther into the background noise.  Therapy and self-acceptance are the most important parts of this ... for me.

Happy you're here with us, Kestrel!  Its time for you to SHINE❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to comment

(Oh what the heck, here's the outfit - though something is lost in translation, as I'm not twirling and I have terrible lighting)

 

Gosh, thanks you all! You all sound warm, loving, clever, and friendly. I'm going to like it here.

IMG_6579.jpg

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Ooh, I like the leggings. Very neat! Socks too. I need more fun socks that fit.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Color coordinating is hard for me too. I’m constantly sent back to go change by my wife because I can’t match lol.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Kestrel McLoughlin I forgot to mention I love your color coordinating. I got rid of my slutty attempts and am finally settling in with learning my style which is more '70's hippie and florals and I'm so glad the type of clothes I loved and wanted to wear in my youth are coming back and I am still in good enough shape and weight to wear them without looking like an old lady wanting to look young when she shouldn't.

 

I love your name and your style and your HAT!

 

You are beautiful.

Link to comment

I have socks like those in knee-highs too, but I didn't want to subsume the leggings, they had something to say too.

 

I am quite excited to get into skirts. I love what's problematically referred to as "gypsy skirts". (There must be a better name.)

 

I also want to touch base with some feminine people in my life about feminine clothing I didn't quite understand: a lovely acquaintance of mine once wore what at first appeared to be a button-up dress shirt, but instead of buttoned up it was tucked criss-cross into itself like a kimono, and the skirt acted as a belt. I haven't the faintest idea whether that was a real button-up shirt (and if so whether it was oversized for the purpose), or a mock of a button-up meant for exactly that motif.

 

Both Google and Siri think I'm insane when I describe these things. Clearly I need community.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I've got a peasant skirt that I love, but I don't think that's exactly the same thing. I completely agree though, there's just something about the way they flow when I swing my hips.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

I love a skirt.   Can hardly get me into britches these days unless it's for something like using a chainsaw or something.  I use leggings with them in cold weather.  Maybe it's because I had to wear pants for most of my life.  Of course at my age I avoid the short ones.

Link to comment
On 9/19/2020 at 5:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

Welcome Kestrel,

 

On 9/19/2020 at 5:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I'll admit, there are still doubts.

 

I once said I'd never know for sure whether I was a woman while living in this society.. Where telling even a bisexual spouse about what you're processing jeopardizes the specifics of your marriage...

 

I don't know what that will look like yet. I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling. It doesn't mean she's done something wrong. It just means I don't know what's real anymore.

 

 

 

I have to agree with Kay. You gave a very eloquent Introduction. You will find others here who can relate and share some of what you describe. I also have a spouse that means the world to me and I have no desire to jeopardize my marriage. I did manage to stretch it a bit this year though.

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I absolutely LOVE your avatar - you are gorgeous AND I love your fashion sense - it fits you SO well ?

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I love what's problematically referred to as "gypsy skirts". (There must be a better name.)

An asymmetrical tiered skirt maybe?

Link to comment

Welcome Kestral. Love the outfit. It is so freeing and wonderful to be able to dress how you want. Hope you have a wonderful day, stay safe! Hugs!

Link to comment

Thank you! 
 

Full disclosure: the narrative photograph has been enhanced by that ridiculous problematic gender app. It’s been criticized for espousing a stereotypical femininity, but luckily for me I’m really fem - not strawberry meringue fem, but swishy dresses fem. I don’t actually yet have that soft a face, but I hope one day I will. The hair is approaching that long, though longer on the left, and swisher in back and forth waves. The smile is real, and I couldn’t help noticing it became bigger when I saw myself in glimmering femininity. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 115 Guests (See full list)

    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Stefi
    • KayC
    • Pip
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,025
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • violet r
      I firmly believe I drank entirely to much for about 25 years. Got drunk every day. This was my coping mechanism to keep hiding deep inside that I was a woman. I miss a lot of signs over the years. Now I drink mabye 1 or 2 beers a day don't even get a buzz anymore. totally accept myself and on regret is that I hide that part of my self which  truly makes me happy being violet 💜. I wasted a lot of time before  being self destructive and had no clue I was just hiding th real me
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Service manager at goes through that here.One was a belt change in a 2019 Kenworth.It was written on the work order including a service done and I seen it.Customer was a complete a-hole.I did it and said he did not want that done.Shown him the original work order and finally said the service manager was right.My boss had to get rid of two customers,always complained about their bill being a little high.Price of parts went up due to inflation and had to explain this to them
    • Tiffany 838
      Well it not morning and I haven’t been on her for a while but it’s nice to be back.  Did some catching up on everyone.  I do have a question, how is Toronto Canada for a get away? Is it a safe and friendly area for us to go.  The wife and I are looking for some where to go to allow me to be my true self.     thanks in advance
    • KymmieL
      Hey, everyone. my life is going down the tubes. at least I think. So, today. A customer called about his car, I told him that the oil change was done. The parts to fix the check engine light are ordered. He can come and get it. For the weekend if he wants. Customer says I didn't want an oil change. it was check the engine light and check for an oil leak. Checking the work order says oil change. The boss wrote the vehicle up. checking with the customer on services wanted.   Being that I wrote down the appointment in the book. and clearly states oil leak. She is complaining because she can't read my small ish writing. It seems she read oil and assumed it as an oil change. It seems like she is blaming me.  She wound up going home because she was too upset. She is stressing about an eye problem she has, she has to get eye surgery it seems she has a tear in her eye.    I feel that I am short for this job. because of the BS they are blaming me on. Plus I am still upset about the trust issue. If either one of the bosses start their Shite tomorrow. I am walking out.    
    • Davie
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I love you so much,"  Lois said.  They met in the driveway. "I could not live without you." "Neither could I." "What are we going to do?" "Find another counselor?" "No. I think we need to solve this ourselves." "Do you think we can?" "I don't know.  But what I know is that I don't want to go through that again.  I think we have to hope we can find a solution." "Otherwise, despair." "Yeah.   Truce?" "Okay,  truce." And they hugged.   "When we know what we want we can figure out how to get there."   That began six years of angry battles, with Odie insisted he could dress as he pleased and Lois insisting it did not please her at all.  He told her she was not going to control him and she replied that she still had rights as a wife to a husband. Neither was willing to give in, neither was willing to quit, and their heated arguments ended in hugs and more.   They went to a Crossdressers' Club, where they hoped to meet other couples with the same problems, the same conflicts, and the same answers, if anyone had any.  It took them four tries before they settled on a group that they were both willing to participate in.  This was four couples their own age, each with a cross dressing husband and a wife who was dealing with it.  They met monthly.  It was led by a 'mediator' who wanted people to express how they felt about the situation.  Odie and Lois, as newcomers, got the floor, and the meeting was finally dismissed at 1:30 in the morning - it was supposed to be over at 10 - and everyone knew how they felt about the situation.   There was silence in the car on the way home.   "We aren't the only ones dealing with this." Odie finally said.   "Who would have thought that?  You are right."   "Somebody out there has a solution." "I hope you are right."   "I hope in hope, not in despair."   "That's my Odie."    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The counseling session was heated, if you could call it a counseling session.  Sometimes Lois felt he was on Odie's side, and sometimes on hers.  When he was on her side, Odie got defensive. She found herself being defensive when it seemed they were ganging up on each other.   "This is not working," Lois said angrily, and walked out.  "Never again. I want my husband back. Dr. Smith you are complicit in this."   "What?" said Odie.   The counselor looked at him.  "You will have to learn some listening skills."   "That is it? Listening skills?  You just destroyed my marriage, and you told me I need to learn listening skills?"   Dr. Smith said calmly,"I think you both need to cool off."   Odie looked at him and walked out, saying "And you call yourself a counselor."   "Wait a minute."   "No."
    • Ashley0616
      Just a comfortable gray sweater dress and some sneakers. Nothing special today. 
    • VickySGV
      I do still carry a Swiss Army knife along with my car keys.  
    • Timi
      Jeans and a white sweater. And cute white sneakers. Delivering balloons to a bunch of restaurants supporting our LGBT Community Center fundraiser today!
    • April Marie
      Congratulations to you!!!This is so wonderful!!
    • missyjo
      I've no desire to present androgynous..nothing wrong with it but I am a girl n wish to present as a girl. shrugs, if androgynous works fir others good. always happy someone finds a solution or happiness    today black jeans  black wedges..purple camisole under white n black polka dot blouse half open   soft smile to all 
    • MaeBe
      I have read some of it, mostly in areas specifically targeted at the LGBTQ+ peoples.   You also have to take into account what and who is behind the words, not just the words themselves. Together that creates context, right? Let's take some examples, under the Department of Health & Human Services section:   "Radical actors inside and outside government are promoting harmful identity politics that replaces biological sex with subjective notions of “gender identity” and bases a person’s worth on his or her race, sex, or other identities. This destructive dogma, under the guise of “equity,” threatens American’s fundamental liberties as well as the health and well-being of children and adults alike."   or   "Families comprised of a married mother, father, and their children are the foundation of a well-ordered nation and healthy society. Unfortunately, family policies and programs under President Biden’s HHS are fraught with agenda items focusing on “LGBTQ+ equity,” subsidizing single-motherhood, disincentivizing work, and penalizing marriage. These policies should be repealed and replaced by policies that support the formation of stable, married, nuclear families."   From a wording perspective, who doesn't want to protect the health and well-being of Americans or think that families aren't good for America? But let's take a look at the author, Roger Severino. He's well-quoted to be against LGBTQ+ anything, has standard christian nationalist views, supports conversion therapy, etc.   So when he uses words like "threatens the health and well-being of children and adults alike" it's not about actual health, it's about enforcing cis-gendered ideology because he (and the rest of the Heritage Foundation) believe LGBTQ+ people and communities are harmful. Or when he invokes the family through the lens of, let's just say dog whistles including the "penalization of marriage" (how and where?!), he idealizes families involving marriage of a "biological male to a biological female" and associates LGBTQ+ family equity as something unhealthy.   Who are the radical actors? Who is telling people to be trans, gay, or queer in general? No one. The idea that there can be any sort of equity between LGBTQ+ people and "normal" cis people is abhorrent to the author, so the loaded language of radical/destructive/guise/threaten are used. Families that he believes are "good" are stable/well-ordered/healthy, specifically married/nuclear ones.   Start looking into intersectionality of oppression of non-privileged groups and how that affects the concept of the family and you will understand that these platitudes are thinly veiled wrappers for christian nationalist ideology.   What's wrong with equity for queer families, to allow them full rights as parents, who are bringing up smart and able children? Or single mothers who are working three jobs to get food on plates?
    • Ashley0616
      Well yesterday didn't work like I wanted to. I met a guy and started talking and he was wanting to be in a relationship. I asked my kids on how they thought of me dating a man and they said gross and said no. I guess it's time to look for women. I think that is going to be harder. Oh well I guess.  
    • Ashley0616
      I don't have anything in my dress pocket

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...