Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

My new and improved re-introduction!


Heather Nicole

Recommended Posts

I think I might be on the threshold of an early trans milestone, and simultaneously, I'm also feeling a deep need to bear my soul to other accepting souls in a more open, honest way that I ever have to anyone before. I've always been ultra-shy and ultra-inhibited (major social anxiety), but I've come to trust this community and feel safe to say what's on my mind here. I have so much to say, so much swirling around in my head, so I don't know how coherent, organized, or even accurate I can be, but I want to take everything I've learned since I first joined here and attempt a brand-new fresh introduction:

 

Hi, everyone! I've chosen the screenname "Heathick" because I'm not especially great at coming up with handles. I often feel embarrassed at what I feel to be a confusing, weird and not great username, but I just came up with it by combining a top candidate female name for myself ("Heather") with my given name (which I do cherish). I also like "Amy". And the female versions of my given name. So many great names to choose from!!! How many names can I have? ;)

 

I've lived my 38 years so far, mostly content to be the straight cis male I always assumed myself to be. The "feel like a girl in a guy's body" narrative has never fit me, which is a big part of why it's taken me so long to realize "Maybe I'm trans?". But I've always has occasional desires and wishes to get to be female (can't for the life of me remember whether they started before or after puberty began), and over the last few years the feelings seem to have suddenly accelerated (especially in the summer when I really envy women's light, and cute, hot-weather-appropriate clothing options).

 

Someone recently posted about an academic, clinical psychology book called "Men Trapped In Men's Bodies" by Anne Lawrence about autogynephilia. I got hold of it (love it, by the way), and I'm absolutely confident that certain types of autogynephilia are definitely part of my story. It felt amazing to read about things deeply secretive about me that I so closely identified with. But I also feel fairly strongly that autogynephilia doesn't cover everything about my gender identity. I feel like another big part of the puzzle for me, is just plain old personal preferences. For example, wearing women's clothing has never "excited" me in the slightest, but I just like them much more than I ever did men's clothes. And I just like long hair, minimal body hair and feminine mannerisms (as examples) much more than I do short hair, thick/dark body hair or masculine mannerisms. Etc. Preferences. Just like some people like gals, some people like guys, or both or neither, some people like sports, others don't, some people like pepperoni on their pizza, others like plain cheese or veggies only...Same deal. Personal preferences.

 

I've fairly recently survived, and successfully emerged from, a two-phase period of being borderline-suicidal with a definite death wish. Although, none of this was directly related to gender identity (but I do think it was indirectly related).

 

For the first phase of this period, the problem was extreme despair (for lack of a far stronger word) over being mid-30's without ever having gotten to experience the one thing I've always wished for by far above all else: a girlfriend. (I'm convinced that pages 123-124 in Anne Lawrence's book are directly related to this.) After over a year with a constant revolving door of endless, all useless, counselors, I was able to heal this wound and genuinely overcome my suicidal thoughts in a mere half hour (albeit an extremely, super awkward, but deeply, deeply appreciated half-hour) by questionably hiring a...well, nevermind, this is a family-friendly forum ;)

 

Unfortunately, only a few months after that, some unrelated things "hit the fan" so to speak, mainly related to family, a living situation and a career path I always "knew" in my heart was my path that...never really panned out, and culminated in burnout and still-ongoing soul-searching.

 

I've been very tempted in the last few years to visit some local LGBT+ gatherings, but social anxiety and self-doubt always stopped me. And now that COVID's around, I have all the more reason I need to avoid such social gatherings: I've been helping out my mom (who I'm beyond humiliated to still be financially dependent on) as she's three kinds of at-risk: Age, diabetes, and...battling cancer...

 

Ugh...when it rains, it pours...am I right?

 

But on the upside, one of my "gifts to myself" indulgences when I can afford it (I do have a very good job, it just isn't nearly enough to make a living) is the panties from LeoLines. And my pink-trimmed trans-flag pair just arrived yesterday! (Along with a super-cute trans-flag hair scrunchie to match! My first scrunchie ever!) OMG, this pair is my favorite underwear EVER!!!! Never want to take them off, never, ever ever. I'll just have to hop into the washing machine with them :)

 

I know up above I teased a possible "threshold of an early trans milestone". Tomorrow, I have my next regular appointment with my psychiatrist. I might ask about gender counseling resources. I don't know, I may chicken out, and knowing me, I probably will. But if I do ask, that'll make her the first person I know "in real life" that I come out to...

 

I'm absolutely terrified to (like I mentioned, I've always had major social anxiety and ultra-major inhibitions), but also partly aching for one of the bandages to finally be ripped off...(And I feel like my time is just tick...tick...ticking away anyway now since my hair loss seems to have suddenly kicked into high gear just this past year or so. Ugh.)

 

I swear, the older I get, the more Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" becomes my personal anthem ;)

 

Link to comment
5 hours ago, Heathick said:

I swear, the older I get, the more Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" becomes my personal anthem

Love this song. I just want to live while I'm alive....

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Heathick glad to see you expressing yourself. That is very important and healthy. Be strong with you psych because you are important and need to be able to overcome the anxiety to ask about gender help. If you can't at least hopefully you've talked about your social anxiety and perhaps meds to help with that. You can identify the issue now disarm it. If you can identify it that is over half the battle.

Good luck and be strong

Shay

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Heather.

 

Congratulations on the self-analysis you have done so far.  It takes a bit of digging to sort this all out, and you are well on your way.  I wish for you the strength you need to come out to your psychiatrist.  It's a big step, bit a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.

 

Autogynephilia is a controversial subject.  The clinical descriptions fit quite well, but the conclusion of those promoting the idea is, "... and therefore you are just crazy, not trans," which is insulting and untrue. 

 

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

 

Good luck on your continuing journey!

 

Regards,

Kathy

Link to comment

Hi @Heathick,

    While I can't exactly relate to everything you are going through, I did with one thing you said. I was terrified to admit to myself or anyone else that I was trans. The first person I told intentionally was my therapist. I was not there for gender issues. Sadly my reasons were abuse related. On a lighter side of this, I am much happier and more confident in who I am and how I want to be treated by others. As I was working through some really bad stuff, I also became very comfortable with them. Enter one nasty pandemic and the beginning of telephone therapy. I wasn't sure about that process but extremely grateful that my therapy would continue. First five minutes on the phone and I just let it all out. They were quiet for a moment. I was worried about what they would say. This person just stopped the session plan for the day and we talked about this at length. They were so kind and supportive. I still have to find an actual gender therapist but, this experience showed me that I really should try to embrace who I am and stop denying myself this happiness. I felt like a major weight was of my shoulders after so many years. They were thanking me for being so open and trusting. With them and some of the really supportive friends I have found here, this has helped me find good ways to tell some of my friends and family too. I would have never done that if not for taking that moment to open up in a very safe place.

    I would strongly encourage that you consider talking to your therapist. I can't give any other clue as to how your experience will go. Only do this when you feel it's a good moment but, hopefully just knowing you are not alone helps immensely. Of course you have all of us but, it truly is not the same as speaking with someone that you have met directly. 

 

Best of luck,

Abi

Link to comment

Thanks, girls!!!

(Hee hee, I kind of really love saying that :))

 

And guess what? I did it! :)

 

I think it helped that it was a telephone meeting instead of face-to-face (Silver linings of virus fear. Gotta love silver linings.) And we already have very good rapport, so I knew I didn't have anything to fear from telling her, just normal nerves. At the right point in the conversation, I just felt a big urge to go through, so after a bit of mincing words, I told my psychiatrist that I was interested in finding someone good for gender counseling. She gave some thought to who she might know, but wasn't really sure so she said she's look into it for me, and see what she could find out.

 

All in all, it didn't even feel like ripping a bandaid off, it felt more like tossing off a couple heavy chains, breathing a sigh of relief, and starting an exciting journey. There's still a lot of what may be impostor syndrome, but I'm also feeling something I didn't expect: a very slight euphoria because something I'd always fantasized about, and always rejected as an impossible fantasy, all of a sudden feels like it has a little glimmer of actual reality. Eeeeee!!!!! :)

 

And there's no doubt in my mind I wouldn't have done this today if it weren't for all your kind words of support and encouragement, so thank you all again, to the whole forum!

 

Oh, PS: When I walked into work this morning, the people-counter at the door just happened to tick its last three digits over to "777". This must have been my lucky day!

 

17 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

Love this song. I just want to live while I'm alive....

 

It's one of my favorite songs to sing in Rock Band. :) In fact, I may go back to it tonight...Maybe I'll even grab the foux guitar :)

 

16 hours ago, Shay said:

If you can't at least hopefully you've talked about your social anxiety and perhaps meds to help with that.

 

Yes, she actually already got me on an anti-anxiety about a couple years back or so, and I think that's been helping. That, along with some other non-pharmaceutical efforts I've been making.

 

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Autogynephilia is a controversial subject.  The clinical descriptions fit quite well, but the conclusion of those promoting the idea is, "... and therefore you are just crazy, not trans," which is insulting and untrue. 

 

Thanks very much for the heads-up. I feel I'm still a complete novice on all the psychological theory and responses regarding transgenderness. Although I can certainly see how that idea would be controversial...

 

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

 

Thanks, I'll be sure to keep that in mind!

 

15 hours ago, Abi said:

First five minutes on the phone and I just let it all out. They were quiet for a moment. I was worried about what they would say. This person just stopped the session plan for the day and we talked about this at length. They were so kind and supportive.

 

That's so wonderful of them! You must have felt very comforted. And thanks for the advice, and for sharing!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
9 hours ago, Heathick said:

All in all, it didn't even feel like ripping a bandaid off, it felt more like tossing off a couple heavy chains, breathing a sigh of relief, and starting an exciting journey. There's still a lot of what may be impostor syndrome, but I'm also feeling something I didn't expect: a very slight euphoria because something I'd always fantasized about, and always rejected as an impossible fantasy, all of a sudden feels like it has a little glimmer of actual reality. Eeeeee!!!!! :)

 

I love it!  Well done, Heather! 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Heathick I am so happy you were able to tell your psych. That is a tremendous and exceedingly hard thing to do. It should get easier for you to talk about things and as time goes by it will get easier. 

Link to comment
14 hours ago, Heathick said:

That's so wonderful of them! You must have felt very comforted. And thanks for the advice, and for sharing!

You are so welcome. We all need to support each other. It is great news to know that you have taken this step forward. Don't rush yourself to be anything other than comfortable. Everything will become clear when the time is right. You can count on strong support here. I did feel better for sharing, once I finally did. No one can tell you what is best for you but asking for advice is a great way to see many views. Then you can choose your path with a bit more confidence. That is how we get through times of uncertainty. 

 

Best of Luck,

Abi

Link to comment
On 9/23/2020 at 6:29 AM, KathyLauren said:

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

Me too.   When I first got up the nerve to dress, it just felt so right to me - it was like "FINALLY"!

And it was not erotic, just a relief.  I think that says something. 

Link to comment
On 9/23/2020 at 12:56 AM, Heathick said:

(I'm convinced that pages 123-124 in Anne Lawrence's book are directly related to this.)

 

In cases anyone's counting, I mean the "reverence" stuff and "attraction to women was not expressed with typical male confidence", not the "other-directed interests" parts.

Link to comment

Right?? I've given tiny little TEDTalks my whole adult life about how I envy women's clothing for its versatility during summer, for the ability to look elegant at any time (there's a formal way to wear a blanket for crying out loud!!! In winter over your shoulders and in summer around your waist!!) It took me quite a while to contextualize that I didn't just want to peacock, I was very, very, very much a woman. Then the maybes came, but that's another story.

 

Welcome! (again?)

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

Right?? I've given tiny little TEDTalks my whole adult life about how I envy women's clothing for its versatility during summer, for the ability to look elegant at any time (there's a formal way to wear a blanket for crying out loud!!! In winter over your shoulders and in summer around your waist!!)

 

Wow, yeah, I definitely still have a lot to learn about women's fashion. One thing I can say though: One of my biggest summertime pet peeves is that even though women still get to wear real, actual shorts, it hasn't been kosher for me since the early 90's. (And don't even get me started on cargo shorts!)...Buuut, that might actually be more the 80's child in me than anything else ;). Heck, I still think Magnum P.I. shorts look better on guys than the parachutes down to the knees that have been such a big thing for the last 25 years.

Link to comment

Yeah even beyond the usual gender policing people get a bit emotional about shorts any shorter than the knees. 
 

You think you’re uncomfortable with my thighs being visible, Mom? You have no idea what it brings up for me. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 115 Guests (See full list)

    • Jordyn1215225
    • Ivy
    • Mmindy
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • MaeBe
    • Timber Wolf
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      Congrats to you and yours!
    • Ashley0616
      YAY! Congratulations on a granddaughter!
    • Ashley0616
      I recommend CarComplaints.com | Car Problems, Car Complaints, & Repair/Recall Information. A lot of good information
    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone ___mg and Evorel ___mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to ___mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I was thinking in particular of BLM, who years ago had a 'What We Believe' section that sounded like they were at war with the nuclear family.   I tried to find it. Nope.  Of interest https://www.politifact.com/article/2020/aug/28/ask-politifact-does-black-lives-matter-aim-destroy/   My time is limited and I will try to answer as I can.
    • Ivy
      Well, I suppose it is possible that they don't actually plan on doing what they say.  I'm not too sure I want to take that chance.  But I kinda expect to find out.  Yet, perhaps you're right and it's all just talk.  And anyway, my state GOP is giving me enough to worry about anyway. I remember a time when being "woke" just meant you were paying attention.  Now it means you are the antichrist. I just don't want the government "protecting" me from my personal "delusions."
    • MaeBe
      1.  I think there are some legitimate concern.   2. Thoroughly discussing this will consume many threads.   3. I disagree partially with @MaeBe but there is partial agreement.   4. The context includes what is happening in society that the authors are observing.  It is not an isolated document.   The observation is through a certain lens, because people do things differently doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. Honestly, a lot of the conservative rhetoric is morphing desires of people to be treated with respect and social equity to be tantamount to the absolution of the family, heterosexuality, etc. Also, being quiet and trying to blend in doesn't change anything. Show me a social change that benefits a minority or marginalized group that didn't need to be loud.   5. Trump, if elected, is as likely to spend his energies going after political opponents as he is to implementing something like this.   Trump will appoint people to do this, like Roger Severino (who was appointed before, who has a record of anti-LGBTQ+ actions), he need not do anything beyond this. His people are ready to push this agenda forward. While the conservative right rails about bureaucracy, they intend to weaponize it. There is no question. They don't want to simplify government, they simply want to fire everyone and bring in conservative "warriors" (their rhetoric). Does America survive 4 year cycles of purge/cronyism?   6. I reject critical theory, which is based on Marxism.  Marxism has never worked and never will.  Critical theory has problems which would need time to go into, which I do not have.   OK, but this seems like every other time CRT comes up with conservatives...completely out of the blue. I think it's reference is mostly just to spark outrage from the base. Definitely food thought for a different thread, though.   7. There are groups who have declared war on the nuclear family as problematically patriarchal, and a lot of other terms. They are easy to find on the internet.  This document is reacting to that (see #4 above).   What is the war on the nuclear family? I searched online and couldn't find much other than reasons why people aren't getting married as much or having kids (that wasn't a propaganda from Heritage or opinions pieces from the right that paint with really broad strokes). Easy things to see: the upward mobility and agency of women, the massive cost of rearing children, general negative attitudes about the future, male insecurity, etc. None of this equates to a war on the nuclear family, but I guess if you look at it as "men should be breadwinners and women must get married for financial support and extend the male family line (and to promote "National Greatness") I could see the decline of marriage as a sign of the collapse of a titled system and, if I was a beneficiary of that system or believe that to NOT be tilted, be aggrieved.   8.  Much of this would have to be legislated, and this is a policy documented.  Implementation would  be most likely different, but that does not mean criticism is unwarranted.   "It might be different if you just give it a chance", unlike all the other legislation that's out there targeting LGBTQ+ from the right, these are going to be different? First it will be trans rights, then it will be gay marriage, and then what? Women's suffrage?   I get it, we may have different compasses, but it's not hard to see that there's no place for queer people in the conservative worldview. There seems to be a consistent insistence that "America was and is no longer Great", as if the 1950s were the pinnacle of society, completely ignoring how great America still is and can continue to be--without having to regress society to the low standards of its patriarchal yesteryears.    
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Cadillac parts are pretty expensive, so repairing them costs more.  But they don't seem to break down more than other makes.  Lots of Lincoln models use Ford cars as a base, so you can get parts that aren't much more expensive.    My family has had good luck with "Panther platform" cars.  Ford Crown Victoria, Mercury Marquis, Lincoln Towncar or Continental.  4.6 V8 and 5.0 V8.  Reasonable fuel economy, and fairly durable.  Our county sheriff's office was running Chargers and SUV's for a while, but has gone back to older Crown Victorias for ease of maintenance.  GF rebuilds them here.  But they are getting more scarce, since the newest ones were made in 2011.    1992-1997 years were different than the later years.  1998-2001 they did some changes, and apparently the best years are 2003 to 2011.  Check Craigslist, and also government auctions.  GF has gotten a lot of them at auction, and they can be had in rough-but-running shape for around $1,000.  Ones in great shape can be found in the $5,000+ range.  Good for 200,000 miles without significant rebuilding.  Go through engine and transmission and electrical systems, and they go half a million.    Some Chrysler models are OK.  The 300 mostly has the same engines as the Charger and Challenger, so parts availability is pretty good.  But they tend to get timing issues.  The older Chrysler Sebring convertibles were pretty reliable, sometimes going 200,000 miles without tons of problems, although after that they were pretty much worn out. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I think I have read everything the Southern Baptists have to say on transgender, and it helped convince me they are dead wrong on these issues.  They can be nice people.  I would never join an SBC church.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You come across as a thoughtful, sweet, interesting and pleasant person.    There are parts of this country, and more so the world, where evangelicals experience a great deal of finger wagging.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It has been an interesting experience being in a marriage in a Christian faith community, yet being intersex/trans.  I stay pretty quiet, and most have kind of accepted that I'm just the strange, harmless exception.  "Oh, that's just Jen.  Jen is...different."  I define success as being a person most folks just overlook. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...