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My new and improved re-introduction!


Heather Nicole

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Heather Nicole

I think I might be on the threshold of an early trans milestone, and simultaneously, I'm also feeling a deep need to bear my soul to other accepting souls in a more open, honest way that I ever have to anyone before. I've always been ultra-shy and ultra-inhibited (major social anxiety), but I've come to trust this community and feel safe to say what's on my mind here. I have so much to say, so much swirling around in my head, so I don't know how coherent, organized, or even accurate I can be, but I want to take everything I've learned since I first joined here and attempt a brand-new fresh introduction:

 

Hi, everyone! I've chosen the screenname "Heathick" because I'm not especially great at coming up with handles. I often feel embarrassed at what I feel to be a confusing, weird and not great username, but I just came up with it by combining a top candidate female name for myself ("Heather") with my given name (which I do cherish). I also like "Amy". And the female versions of my given name. So many great names to choose from!!! How many names can I have? ;)

 

I've lived my 38 years so far, mostly content to be the straight cis male I always assumed myself to be. The "feel like a girl in a guy's body" narrative has never fit me, which is a big part of why it's taken me so long to realize "Maybe I'm trans?". But I've always has occasional desires and wishes to get to be female (can't for the life of me remember whether they started before or after puberty began), and over the last few years the feelings seem to have suddenly accelerated (especially in the summer when I really envy women's light, and cute, hot-weather-appropriate clothing options).

 

Someone recently posted about an academic, clinical psychology book called "Men Trapped In Men's Bodies" by Anne Lawrence about autogynephilia. I got hold of it (love it, by the way), and I'm absolutely confident that certain types of autogynephilia are definitely part of my story. It felt amazing to read about things deeply secretive about me that I so closely identified with. But I also feel fairly strongly that autogynephilia doesn't cover everything about my gender identity. I feel like another big part of the puzzle for me, is just plain old personal preferences. For example, wearing women's clothing has never "excited" me in the slightest, but I just like them much more than I ever did men's clothes. And I just like long hair, minimal body hair and feminine mannerisms (as examples) much more than I do short hair, thick/dark body hair or masculine mannerisms. Etc. Preferences. Just like some people like gals, some people like guys, or both or neither, some people like sports, others don't, some people like pepperoni on their pizza, others like plain cheese or veggies only...Same deal. Personal preferences.

 

I've fairly recently survived, and successfully emerged from, a two-phase period of being borderline-suicidal with a definite death wish. Although, none of this was directly related to gender identity (but I do think it was indirectly related).

 

For the first phase of this period, the problem was extreme despair (for lack of a far stronger word) over being mid-30's without ever having gotten to experience the one thing I've always wished for by far above all else: a girlfriend. (I'm convinced that pages 123-124 in Anne Lawrence's book are directly related to this.) After over a year with a constant revolving door of endless, all useless, counselors, I was able to heal this wound and genuinely overcome my suicidal thoughts in a mere half hour (albeit an extremely, super awkward, but deeply, deeply appreciated half-hour) by questionably hiring a...well, nevermind, this is a family-friendly forum ;)

 

Unfortunately, only a few months after that, some unrelated things "hit the fan" so to speak, mainly related to family, a living situation and a career path I always "knew" in my heart was my path that...never really panned out, and culminated in burnout and still-ongoing soul-searching.

 

I've been very tempted in the last few years to visit some local LGBT+ gatherings, but social anxiety and self-doubt always stopped me. And now that COVID's around, I have all the more reason I need to avoid such social gatherings: I've been helping out my mom (who I'm beyond humiliated to still be financially dependent on) as she's three kinds of at-risk: Age, diabetes, and...battling cancer...

 

Ugh...when it rains, it pours...am I right?

 

But on the upside, one of my "gifts to myself" indulgences when I can afford it (I do have a very good job, it just isn't nearly enough to make a living) is the panties from LeoLines. And my pink-trimmed trans-flag pair just arrived yesterday! (Along with a super-cute trans-flag hair scrunchie to match! My first scrunchie ever!) OMG, this pair is my favorite underwear EVER!!!! Never want to take them off, never, ever ever. I'll just have to hop into the washing machine with them :)

 

I know up above I teased a possible "threshold of an early trans milestone". Tomorrow, I have my next regular appointment with my psychiatrist. I might ask about gender counseling resources. I don't know, I may chicken out, and knowing me, I probably will. But if I do ask, that'll make her the first person I know "in real life" that I come out to...

 

I'm absolutely terrified to (like I mentioned, I've always had major social anxiety and ultra-major inhibitions), but also partly aching for one of the bandages to finally be ripped off...(And I feel like my time is just tick...tick...ticking away anyway now since my hair loss seems to have suddenly kicked into high gear just this past year or so. Ugh.)

 

I swear, the older I get, the more Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" becomes my personal anthem ;)

 

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ElizabethStar
5 hours ago, Heathick said:

I swear, the older I get, the more Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" becomes my personal anthem

Love this song. I just want to live while I'm alive....

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@Heathick glad to see you expressing yourself. That is very important and healthy. Be strong with you psych because you are important and need to be able to overcome the anxiety to ask about gender help. If you can't at least hopefully you've talked about your social anxiety and perhaps meds to help with that. You can identify the issue now disarm it. If you can identify it that is over half the battle.

Good luck and be strong

Shay

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KathyLauren

Hi, Heather.

 

Congratulations on the self-analysis you have done so far.  It takes a bit of digging to sort this all out, and you are well on your way.  I wish for you the strength you need to come out to your psychiatrist.  It's a big step, bit a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.

 

Autogynephilia is a controversial subject.  The clinical descriptions fit quite well, but the conclusion of those promoting the idea is, "... and therefore you are just crazy, not trans," which is insulting and untrue. 

 

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

 

Good luck on your continuing journey!

 

Regards,

Kathy

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Hi @Heathick,

    While I can't exactly relate to everything you are going through, I did with one thing you said. I was terrified to admit to myself or anyone else that I was trans. The first person I told intentionally was my therapist. I was not there for gender issues. Sadly my reasons were abuse related. On a lighter side of this, I am much happier and more confident in who I am and how I want to be treated by others. As I was working through some really bad stuff, I also became very comfortable with them. Enter one nasty pandemic and the beginning of telephone therapy. I wasn't sure about that process but extremely grateful that my therapy would continue. First five minutes on the phone and I just let it all out. They were quiet for a moment. I was worried about what they would say. This person just stopped the session plan for the day and we talked about this at length. They were so kind and supportive. I still have to find an actual gender therapist but, this experience showed me that I really should try to embrace who I am and stop denying myself this happiness. I felt like a major weight was of my shoulders after so many years. They were thanking me for being so open and trusting. With them and some of the really supportive friends I have found here, this has helped me find good ways to tell some of my friends and family too. I would have never done that if not for taking that moment to open up in a very safe place.

    I would strongly encourage that you consider talking to your therapist. I can't give any other clue as to how your experience will go. Only do this when you feel it's a good moment but, hopefully just knowing you are not alone helps immensely. Of course you have all of us but, it truly is not the same as speaking with someone that you have met directly. 

 

Best of luck,

Abi

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Heather Nicole

Thanks, girls!!!

(Hee hee, I kind of really love saying that :))

 

And guess what? I did it! :)

 

I think it helped that it was a telephone meeting instead of face-to-face (Silver linings of virus fear. Gotta love silver linings.) And we already have very good rapport, so I knew I didn't have anything to fear from telling her, just normal nerves. At the right point in the conversation, I just felt a big urge to go through, so after a bit of mincing words, I told my psychiatrist that I was interested in finding someone good for gender counseling. She gave some thought to who she might know, but wasn't really sure so she said she's look into it for me, and see what she could find out.

 

All in all, it didn't even feel like ripping a bandaid off, it felt more like tossing off a couple heavy chains, breathing a sigh of relief, and starting an exciting journey. There's still a lot of what may be impostor syndrome, but I'm also feeling something I didn't expect: a very slight euphoria because something I'd always fantasized about, and always rejected as an impossible fantasy, all of a sudden feels like it has a little glimmer of actual reality. Eeeeee!!!!! :)

 

And there's no doubt in my mind I wouldn't have done this today if it weren't for all your kind words of support and encouragement, so thank you all again, to the whole forum!

 

Oh, PS: When I walked into work this morning, the people-counter at the door just happened to tick its last three digits over to "777". This must have been my lucky day!

 

17 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

Love this song. I just want to live while I'm alive....

 

It's one of my favorite songs to sing in Rock Band. :) In fact, I may go back to it tonight...Maybe I'll even grab the foux guitar :)

 

16 hours ago, Shay said:

If you can't at least hopefully you've talked about your social anxiety and perhaps meds to help with that.

 

Yes, she actually already got me on an anti-anxiety about a couple years back or so, and I think that's been helping. That, along with some other non-pharmaceutical efforts I've been making.

 

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Autogynephilia is a controversial subject.  The clinical descriptions fit quite well, but the conclusion of those promoting the idea is, "... and therefore you are just crazy, not trans," which is insulting and untrue. 

 

Thanks very much for the heads-up. I feel I'm still a complete novice on all the psychological theory and responses regarding transgenderness. Although I can certainly see how that idea would be controversial...

 

16 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

 

Thanks, I'll be sure to keep that in mind!

 

15 hours ago, Abi said:

First five minutes on the phone and I just let it all out. They were quiet for a moment. I was worried about what they would say. This person just stopped the session plan for the day and we talked about this at length. They were so kind and supportive.

 

That's so wonderful of them! You must have felt very comforted. And thanks for the advice, and for sharing!

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KathyLauren
9 hours ago, Heathick said:

All in all, it didn't even feel like ripping a bandaid off, it felt more like tossing off a couple heavy chains, breathing a sigh of relief, and starting an exciting journey. There's still a lot of what may be impostor syndrome, but I'm also feeling something I didn't expect: a very slight euphoria because something I'd always fantasized about, and always rejected as an impossible fantasy, all of a sudden feels like it has a little glimmer of actual reality. Eeeeee!!!!! :)

 

I love it!  Well done, Heather! 

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@Heathick I am so happy you were able to tell your psych. That is a tremendous and exceedingly hard thing to do. It should get easier for you to talk about things and as time goes by it will get easier. 

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14 hours ago, Heathick said:

That's so wonderful of them! You must have felt very comforted. And thanks for the advice, and for sharing!

You are so welcome. We all need to support each other. It is great news to know that you have taken this step forward. Don't rush yourself to be anything other than comfortable. Everything will become clear when the time is right. You can count on strong support here. I did feel better for sharing, once I finally did. No one can tell you what is best for you but asking for advice is a great way to see many views. Then you can choose your path with a bit more confidence. That is how we get through times of uncertainty. 

 

Best of Luck,

Abi

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On 9/23/2020 at 6:29 AM, KathyLauren said:

Your awareness that dressing in feminine clothing is not erotic for you is important.  When I had that awareness, it was my first clue that there was something else going on.

Me too.   When I first got up the nerve to dress, it just felt so right to me - it was like "FINALLY"!

And it was not erotic, just a relief.  I think that says something. 

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Heather Nicole
On 9/23/2020 at 12:56 AM, Heathick said:

(I'm convinced that pages 123-124 in Anne Lawrence's book are directly related to this.)

 

In cases anyone's counting, I mean the "reverence" stuff and "attraction to women was not expressed with typical male confidence", not the "other-directed interests" parts.

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Heather Nicole

BTW, Jandi, I love your signature quote.

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Kestrel McLoughlin

Right?? I've given tiny little TEDTalks my whole adult life about how I envy women's clothing for its versatility during summer, for the ability to look elegant at any time (there's a formal way to wear a blanket for crying out loud!!! In winter over your shoulders and in summer around your waist!!) It took me quite a while to contextualize that I didn't just want to peacock, I was very, very, very much a woman. Then the maybes came, but that's another story.

 

Welcome! (again?)

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Heather Nicole
15 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

Right?? I've given tiny little TEDTalks my whole adult life about how I envy women's clothing for its versatility during summer, for the ability to look elegant at any time (there's a formal way to wear a blanket for crying out loud!!! In winter over your shoulders and in summer around your waist!!)

 

Wow, yeah, I definitely still have a lot to learn about women's fashion. One thing I can say though: One of my biggest summertime pet peeves is that even though women still get to wear real, actual shorts, it hasn't been kosher for me since the early 90's. (And don't even get me started on cargo shorts!)...Buuut, that might actually be more the 80's child in me than anything else ;). Heck, I still think Magnum P.I. shorts look better on guys than the parachutes down to the knees that have been such a big thing for the last 25 years.

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Kestrel McLoughlin

Yeah even beyond the usual gender policing people get a bit emotional about shorts any shorter than the knees. 
 

You think you’re uncomfortable with my thighs being visible, Mom? You have no idea what it brings up for me. 

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    • Heather Nicole
      Definitely. And as much as I love that about them, it also makes me worry: If I transition, will the nice, soft comfortable female clothing (excepting bras, of course, still figuring out those...), will they just start to feel like the generic men's clothes I've become disappointed with?
    • Aidan5
      I am smack middle of 6 siblings, only one blood related brother, who joined the navy. I am the only kid left besides my adopted 2 year old sister. I really relate to you, I wasn't allowed to talk to people online, even if I knew them in person and they went to my school (I had a phone for like a month and since then I have had it taken away) Yeah the "Tough love" I totally get but I don't even get that anymore, she makes sure I know I am not her child and she doesn't even wanna try to fix our relationship. Oh yeah chores, originally the chores were spread out among 3 children and even then we were overwhelmed with the amount there was, but now since the other 2 moved out I am alone and I have taken all the chores and if I don't complete the chores, I am not allowed to do school for the day, oh yeah I am not even allowed in my room the whole day, I have to stay downstairs all day, I am only allowed to go upstairs to sleep for the night. I am upstairs for more than 5 minutes I get yelled at.    I do have moving plans they are 100% secure. My really supportive aunt (on my mom's side) is going to take me in. Funny thing is that my parents hold a grudge against her (My dad and stepmom) (My mom died when I was 6) So my "Parents" cut my aunt out of my life because she was the only one to stick up for my brother and I, but I have found ways to keep in contact. But I should be moving out in 5 months maximum, either around Christmas or my 18th birthday :)) (April 21st)    Feel free to write as much as you want, I enjoy reading that there are others who are like me, but made it out alive :)) I personally find it inspiring and I can't express my gratitude for you :DD Thank you for taking the time to respond and share your story :)) 
    • Heather Nicole
      I'm not sure I can be of any help, and I'm sorry if I'm not (I'm an AMAB questioning things, maybe transfeminine, maybe MtF, we'll see how therapy goes). But if I can offer anything, I think it's maybe worth pointing out that even a lot of AMABs, particularly ones with some extra bodyweight (which is a LOT of people these days, and definitely includes me ever since I was 13!) have entirely noticeable "chest twins". But, for these people, really nobody thinks anything of it, or even gives it a second glance. Such people are far more likely to be called out as overweight than have any gender-related attention paid to their less than flat chest. (And even being called out as overweight is pretty rare anymore, given how common it's become.)   And yes, I realize maybe it's not exactly the same thing. I understand you've mentioned non-binary as a possibility. And sure, there can be technical differences in the underlying internal tissue in the chest. And there can be shape differences (but then, everyone with anything on their chest has different shapes and proportions going on anyway.) But I think it may be worth trying to keep in mind that there are a lot of people in this world (again, like me!) with plain-as-day twin protrusions on their chests, that nobody would mistake for being a ciswomen. (And don't forget, pectoral muscles are also twin-upper-chest-protrusions, too!!)   Although we don't usually think about things this way on a conscious level, everyone these days really is so accustomed to seeing guys (and amabs like me) with less-than-flat chests, so that as long as the other cues suggest "not a ciswoman", people will see you and register "not a woman" before their subconscious will even notice your chest.   At least, that's my 2 cents (2 pence?) anyway. If it helps, then great, if not and I'm way off-base, then just kindly disregard!  
    • gina-nicole-t
      @lachallenger Welcome her also and thanks for your story. I am also in my late 40's just like you and @Vanessa Michelle. It took me an also long time to figure out who I was and that I was born in the totally wrong body just like you. I am an agnostic currently because my religion has completely turned their back on me. Such is life in America currently. I have yet to find an accepting religion in the Christian Faith that I was raised in. I am glad to have met the both of you on this site.    Gina 
    • gina-nicole-t
    • Vanessa Michelle
      @lachallenger Thanks for joining the forums and sharing your story! Welcome! We are all in different places of our stories and I know you'll find the love and acceptance you deserve here as well as people eager to talk and help any way they can in the process. Thanks for trusting us with your story. I am also late 40's and have only recently accepted who I have always been. That's all the further I have taken it other than telling 2 friends. I also come from the Christian faith and that was the last hurdle I had to overcome to believe I was ok and that God not only still loved me, but accepted me exactly as I am. Bless you and again, welcome!! ❤️
    • Heather Nicole
      Wow, so much great music and videos just in the last couple pages alone!     That's awesome, I love that!   A metal band named Accept...that sounds very familiar to me. Can't quite place it, but I'm certain I've listed to some of their stuff before. I love it when artists cross genre lines as big as that. Pat Boone of all people once did a whole album of heavy metal covers, "In a Metal Mood", but in his own style. Several of them in particular were really good!         @Abi I've always loved that Bruce Hornsby song, but it's been so long I'd managed to forget about it. Very glad you posted it, the sound of it takes me straight back to my childhood (a good time).   @Shay I'm familiar with that Brubeck song, too. A genuine classic, without a doubt. Those Sting/Shaggy videos are priceless, too, I didn't know about them, thanks for sharing.   And thanks also for the info about Paul Carrack! It's the first I've heard that name, and while a couple of those those songs are new to me ("I Think It's Gonna Last" and "Over My Shoulder") I've always been a fan of those other songs. I had no idea there was any connection! "The Living Years" and "Don't Shed a Tear" in particular are also songs that take me right back to being a kid (And, of course the Def Leppard one @gina-nicole-t posted does too  I always loved the sheer, raw power in any good metal song or power ballad.)     @Susan RThat orchestrated Smooth Criminal cover blew me away!  
    • Susan R
      I can’t speak for what “might” happen to you specifically as I’m taking E and not T. In addition to that, everyone’s experiences are so different that it’s futile to speculate on something that has so many variables that can affect the outcome.    I can share with you what happened to my sexual orientation over the 2+ years of taking Estrogen. Growing up I always had interest in men but my desire for them was not nearly as strong as it was for women. I had experiences with both and enjoyed both types of experiences equally. Reducing my T to almost zero and increasing my E to female levels has NOT affected my desire for women in a way or my desire for my cis wife. So what has changed?  My desire for men and women are fairly equal these days. IMHO, it just opened up a few new neural pathways in my brain but thankfully did not close off any previously opened ones.   That being said...your outcome will not likely be anything like mine. Any changes in sexual orientation will also take time to occur. I don’t think you’ll wake up one day and your sexual orientation will be changed. It’s a relatively slow process. But even if sexual orientation was reversible, the other major affects of T aren’t without a huge financial and mental cost.   Susan R🌷
    • ElizabethStar
      So much of this...just brings back memories. I had a step mother that I swear just hated my sister and I. We weren't her kids so we just garbage. My sister left and moved in with a friend when she was 16, so she got away. I was left as the middle kid between two step-siblings. No matter what I did I was wrong and severely punished at the drop of a hat. They called it "tough love",felt more like abuse to me. I wasn't allowed to have friends, wasn't allowed to have a job even though I had one before we moved in with her. I was perpetually grounded and never allowed go anywhere but I was free to do chores whenever I wanted. Oh wait, that was required. This was also in the late 80's so there was not internet or cell phones. I was isolated from the world. School and home, that was it. Eventually for my own sanity I ran away.    I'm not by any means trying to discourage you from moving out. I only ask that you have things figured before you do. I spent 8 years living on the streets and suffered horribly for it. I did things no one should ever have to do to survive and don't want any to ever have to go through what I did. It's taken a lot a therapy to undo the damage and it set my whole life by a decade.   I could write for hours and hours on this but I'll just leave with this. I promise you're not alone.
    • ElizabethStar
      I love the gel polishes. I also have an LED light and having my nails instantly dried is just amazing. I can get a whole lot more creative. Currently pink with black and white speckles. I ended up doing acrylic over the nail I broke Sunday and another that was short cause I broke it last week. I didn't do any fill. Can't really tell with the color scheme. I know they'll probably fall off in a week or two but I'm OK with that. I had one of other girls tell me she was jealous of my nails. Her's look quite nice but her thing was that they're overall a lot smaller so you can't really see any designs.   I've been feeling a lot calmer an happier the last couple of days. I think the new E and P are finally starting to do their thing. My girls are a little ouchy so I'm praying it's a precursor to a growth spurt.
    • lachallenger
      I am 47 years of age, as of this month. I was raised by a single mother, who tried her best to raise a conscientious child, including a very Biblical name and all of the hopes that a parent could put into a child; I still value kindness and compassion, because I was raised with them, quite simply. I did not meet the man who was introduced as my father until I was 14, and despite him periodically visiting my family's house, it wasn't until much later that I knew what kind of a person that he was. I spent a lot of my teen years with a tremendous amount of undirected anger at my environment and myself, disliking mirrors (which I did for a very long time), and generally feeling angry and depressed, without apparent cause.   I first really began asking myself questions about my gender when I was in my mid-20s, sadly during the last years of my mother's life, and she succumbed to cancer, during a time when I was working 15 hour days for 5 days of the week for two years before - to be perfectly blunt the combination of events that preceded and followed this left my mind feeling like so much guacamole, and I remember very little of the years immediately following. During which I and my remaining relative sold the large house I had grown up in and I wound up moving in with very strict Christian Fundamentalist cousins.   After spending a few years with them, I moved and got new work in a different, somewhat larger town - but since my new employer never paid me and I could find no further work, I wound up losing my residence and everything I owned that would not fit into a car. I wound up moving in with a friend that owned a house, though their family showed me the door after 2 weeks - and spent the next decade and change with an emotionally disturbed roommate in a 300 square foot studio apartment.   My present circumstances are much better, with a significant other that accepts who I am, and a house with the two of us and a roommate that are accepting of such differences. The total isolation or near-total isolation since March has allowed me much time for introspection and the shedding of armor I had been wearing around my identity since... my twenties? At minimum since living with the relatives that would as likely as not left me standing in the street if they'd known. This is where I am, discovering who I am, not feeling connected with pronouns, but most definitely understanding that I was not born my correct gender by a long shot.
    • Shay
      My gosh I love these to. Thank you @Abi
    • Shay
    • RadicalEmma
      Thanks for the welcomes! I'm happy to be here. ☺️
    • Aidan5
      I shall look into the link, and many more haha.   Yeah, that is the absolute worst. Like I understand us kids need to learn some things the hard way and scrape our knee so we can learn from it, but the parents are supposed to be there to help us learn and recover from the scraped knee, not cut the knee off entirely and then tell us to walk 20 miles on it. There is a huge difference there.    I have been the only kid who was brave enough to stand up for myself, the others were luckily able to get away. But I know each and everyone of them would make great parents, because not only did we take care of a child for them- but what we learned what NOT to do from our parents, so I guess the parents did something useful, good on them haha.    Oh yeah I moved it to the window and pulled up the blinds :)) (She left them in the box with no sunlight, glad I caught it) The algae has gotta grow, but otherwise it looks really good and there was at least 4 little brightly colored shrimp and it makes me so happy to see :)) 
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