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I thought that it was time to share a little more about me by talking about the ups and downs I had this week.

 

I was seen at a not so local hospital about 7 weeks ago to discuss having an orchiectomy performed. the next thing I had to wait for was the team that I met with to get together to discuss my case to see if I qualified to meet with the surgeon. this meeting was supposed to happen a month ago at least that was what I was told when I was there. I knew that the next meeting was happening on the 27th of this month and was told that that my case would be discussed and decided on this time around. I called on the 28th because I wanted to know what was going on. I apparently ended talking to someone that was able to look my records up and was told that my case was not discussed and that I would have to wait another month (they only meet once a month) for this to happen. Lets just say I was crushed and pissed but for some reason there was doubt in my mind that she was up to date on what she was telling me. I asked to leave a message for someone that I knew would have been at the meeting. for the next day that I had to wait for the return call I became depressed that things were not progressing the way that I was told they would (more on this latter). I did get a call the next day and my case was discussed and found out that I am able to see the surgeon Yea!

So I was transferred to the appointment desk and there found out the next opening was January and again my mood sank but at least I do have a date set.

 

this time of year is usually difficult for me any way. I do deal with depression and am on a lot of meds for it. What I have is bipolar 1 rapid cycling with generalized anxiety. I do have a therapist that I work with and she is very good the only problem is she is out for a bit so my next appointment is 3 weeks from now. I did see her this week (yea) but have to wait 3 weeks to see her again (boo). 

 

With all the ups and downs this week I went in and got the grey died out of my hair again (every few months) and for the first time was brave enough to have my eyebrows waxed (the first time I have ever had any shaping done to them). I am making small steps of progress with my transition as I can and the small steps do make me feel better. I don't know if I will ever be able to live full time female or not (due to social pressures that I feel) but am taking steps as I can. My wife has been more supportive lately and that has really helped. 

 

Just so I am known a little more some of the steps that I have taken so far are as follows. I started HRT in April of 2019 and have seen all the major changes (my chest is still developing) and the meds do make me feel better. I have switched to wearing female jeans and a bra almost all the time. the fall of 2018 is when I finally discovered that I am transgender (I fought it as long as I could but It won wish I would have done this years ago). The best thing so far has been the breast development after 1-1/2 years of HRT (1 on the full dose) I have grown to a B cup and they are still going. Another good thing is my hair has grown out to a length I am getting close to liking (down between my shoulder blades). 

 

looking back I have come a long ways from where I began. I should say thank you to the other members and this site as I have been using what has been posted on here to keep me motivated through this process. Sorry for rambling but I just needed to get this out. 

 

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Erica Gabriel

Thank you for sharing your recent story. I’m sorry you’ve been going through health care hell. I’m just now beginning counseling. I hope your wife continues to be supportive.

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And I've been noticing the past year or so that we both are certainly not the only people who seem to feel that the same rebirth/reinvention is long overdue for masculinity.   This is also one thing I love about transmen and transmasculine individuals that makes me very, very glad to have such wonderful brothers around: I don't know if maybe I'm generalizing, I hope not, but I often feel like transmen and transmasculine and such often make for better men and better examples of masculinity than many cismen do (nothing against cismen in general, of course, I've known many cismen who are also shining examples of positive masculinity).   But it's like, a masculine individual brought up as AFAB...that kind of life experience seems to often force a person towards a much better model of masculinity and away from the more toxic, anachronistic aspects. 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