Panic Attack

[Guest Sarah]

hey all,

since my parents left for mexico for three weeks a couple of days ago, I've been getting doubts again about wether this transitioning is the right choice...

last sunday I even panicked, I even wanted to go back, hear someone say my old name, just to know how it felt like being called that... I just got really scared about thinking maybe this IS the wrong way to go...

a ts friend of mine says it's normal to panic sometimes, especially because since I started estrogens, I also started living full-time... everything is going so fast suddenly, and i don't know if i can handle it... she says i just have to pull trough, and that if this wasn't the right choice i wouldn't have been this far in transitioning (You have to at least see a psychiatrist specialized in gender problems for one year before you may go on hormones, if she agrees (safety procedure) and i have been on anti-androgens for 4 months before I was allowed to start estrogens (also some kind of asfety procedure, to make sure you're not wrong here))

My friends also noticed I'm a lot happier lately, especially since i started living full-time (i don't notice it myself really...) and others say the same thing.

So she managed to ease my panic attack, so i'm not that upset anymore. I still have this lingering scary feeling about making a mistake by transitioning, but it's controllable now :--)

oh yes, I'm going to talk to my psy about this, dont worry ^^

I just wondered if anyone else has panicked like this? my friend says it will be less mindblowing everytime, like it was with her.

grtz and hugs,

Sarah xxx

[Sally]

I have never had a full panic attack in my life, I have come close but I have had those moments when weighing gains verses losses that you have to question transitioning.

I am at an age where the people around me tend to be less accepting, there is a point when old people revert back to their childhood and a time when there was no tolerance for Gays or trans - wel trans were never spoken of so that is a major concern.

But even with parents I have come to the conclusion that I will be better off alone than around people who refuse to even know me - they loved the character and hate the actor.

It is an on going balncing act and as long as you can see the gain of transitioning then it is right for you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AllisonD]

Sarah

It makes a difference just what is terrifying you.

There are lots of things to be afraid of and panic results when you are overwhelmed by fear. Transition can be very difficult, and being afraid of failure to pass, rejection by friends, being unable to continue your education, or finding funding for your new life are all legitimate fears that we all have dealt with, as appropriate to our own situations, during transition.

But if you are terrified of other things, such as being unable to reverse your course and once again (try to) be a man, or loss of your genitals, or how people will react to you when they DO consider you a woman, then your heart is giving you a clear signal that you are not on the right path. If this is the case, then please make a point of chatting about this with your therapist at the earliest opportunity. You should not even be concerned with any of these, much less terrified, if you are on the path leading to SRS. If this is what you are worried about please do not 'suck it up' and 'be courageous' and press on. Instead, step back. Pause. Listen to your heart. Your own heart knows better than ANYONE, friends and therapists included, what is right for you. Your heart will tell you if you have to do this. For your own sake, don't do this if you don't absolutely have to.

On the other hand, if you are instead being overwhelmed with the other consequences of transition - loss of family, friends, job, lover, your bank account, etc.; and if actually living the rest of your life as a woman is easily worth to you whatever the various costs are; if you cannot even consider living the rest of your life without this change, then I have to agree with your friend - gather your courage and press on.

It makes a difference, so please take enough quiet time (while your parents are away is a great opportunity) to listen to your heart and hear what it is saying to you. Your heart will give you the answers you need.

Allison

[Guest Evan_J]

I've had a panic attack before in my life but not in conjunction /about transitioning. They're are very scary and notable occuances. I think if I did have one about transitioning I would definatey talk to a therapist about it. Thoughts/feelings/fears when I started testosterone? Yes, I had that, probably for like the first three weeks, but not from the perspective of "am I doing the right thing" more a question of "do I want to be taking this chemical/am I making a health error". The transition/ effects though I consistently wanted. And in those instances (mingled in with the health consciousness) where I felt like even if I did die I would rather it be being on T and changing I was sure then that transitioning was "correct".

[Guest androgynous]

I can imagine the doubts, and you might heard different things from different people, various anecdotes, or even heard about other forms of transgenderism (like androgyny, neutrois, agender, two spirited etc) that may put you into a doubt spiral, so you can do a bit soul searching and eventually let a therapist mirror you so that all doubts are gone. But it's healthy to have doubts, it means you take it seriously. Better safe than sorry, no need to rush.

And this puts me in the position as androgyne to say and set things a bit straight to people: it's okay to look beyond the binary, but don't let it influence or de-motivate your initial feelings of being MTF/FTM. people who are non-binary on average know they are non-binary, it's not a question of weighing the scales here.

One could make a bad choice in anything, so as always: a gender therapist (that's what they are here for) can observe and mirror you, it's a good thing. And yes a year of therapy before staring hormones is very responsible as are real-life tests.

Good luck, i'm sure you'll do fine

[Guest Tammy Maher]

I have never had a panic attack either, but I'm glad to see you made it through ok.

I saw the message title and you kind of scared me for like a minute while my eyes adjusted and actually read it correctly. I have a friend who always uses the name "Pannic Atack" as his screen name and that is how I originally read the topic title. He is a really good singer He even got the lead roll in the UCSD fall production for the Mercado. He is an incoming freshman to SDSU though....

WAY OFF TOPIC!!!

Glad to see your friend came to help you!

()/

Janelle

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Sarah,

I would recommend that you share this experience with your therapist. Taking things slowly is very important to know for certain if transitioning is right for you. Remember, you are never in a position to do something that you don't want to do in this case. You and your therapist will work through all of these concerns and find the right path.

HUGS

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Sarah, you've gotten some really good advice here. I can only echo it.

Transitioning is the most important decision you will likely ever have. It

can not easily be reversed. You need to be certain that it is the right decision.

Talk it over, take your time, and be sure. A certain amount of fear, anxiety

and doubt is natural. It doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision. Only

you will know the answer.

Carolyn Marie

[Paula ult]

Sara, seeing you have gone thru 1 year of therapy with a psychiatrist, he must agree that transition is right for you or he would not have allowed you to go on anti-androgen's for 4 months, and then started you on estrogen.

I can't say i ever had panic attacks but several times in the past when i had thoughts whether i was doing the right thing by transitioning all i had to do was think back at how unhappy i had been all my life as him and i knew the answer. You need to discuss this with your therapist as soon as you can, if you feel transitioning is not right for you it's best find out now before any permanent changes from the hormones occur.

Paula

[Guest AshleyRF]

I think it's pretty normal to freak out over this every now and then. I've been known to myself a time or two. This is a lot to take in, especially when just starting full time. I also completely understand the feeling of "this is going to fast". I had not planned on going full time till the end of this year but one thing led to another and before I knew it.... there I was, living full time. It's scary. It's a new experience for most and it take some time to get use to. Hang in there and keep your spirits up. You can do this.

[Guest Sarah]

Well, I'm just a person who has troubles with changes... I was unhappy as a guy, and was glad to start anti-androgens and hormones... but I wasn't ready to live full-time and my psy didn't say i had to, but it sort of happened anyway, and it's even already official. it's all going so fast... I feel like I'm losing control. I'm scared i'll lose myself in the process, because it's going too fast to my liking. I'm trying to adapt but i need time... and everything coming now, is new and unknown... as a guy I might've been unhappy, but I had stability in my life, and I knew where I was going... I was going to begin hormones, I was going to live as a girl, but now it's like i'm in an open field not knowing where to go. I'm scared of walking in there. I need stability in my life, I feel safe then... since my parents left on vacation, It's as if that stability dissapeared with them, cause whatever happened or would happen, my parents would be there for me. I know my family and friends are the same, but it's still different.

I really want to transition, if i remember how I could just break into pieces and cry seeing my facial hair, or the masulinity in my body... but it just always scared me that I might regret it, because it happens sometimes that people transition but regret it too late... okay, I don't think my psychiatrist would let that happen, so yes I'm going to be fully honest when i see her. BUt just like my psy knows, my 'ts' is not that obvious, I'm more in between, just more to the female side and she knows that. I just couldn't live as a guy anymore, I tried convincing myself i'm a crossdresser, but I knew I wasn't, I tried to convince i'm a transgenderist (in between) so that it would be normal to feel more female than male (I don't feel male at al though) but wouldn't have to transition. but everytime i looked in the mirror... I didn't want to see that guy, I hated that masculin face. it didn't feel like me...

but like I said, i don't like changes, they think it's something autistic, meh. so even physical changes... I like them, but again it's hard for me... I'm changing physically and mentally, and it scares me, I know i won't like totally become someone different, but you know, I liked my personality, everyone (since I outed myself to my parents and began opening up) liked who i was. I was a funny person, who always looks at the bright side of life, always smiling (even when i didn't feel like it). I'm also scared to end up alone again. what if the changes that occur in me, make me different enough to lose my friends? i've been alone for a looong time, I didn't mind it then, but when i got a taste of the social life, I'm scared of being alone again...

the feat i told you about of regretting... I don't know where it comes exactly from, but when I type or talk like this now, I again am certain that it is the right choice, I just tend to forget why i started to transition (i really forget things easily, too much to my liking actually), and need to remember it clearly again how i felt before i started all this. that makes me calm inside :--)

sorry for the ranting

grtz & hugs,

Sarah xxx

[Guest AllisonD]

Well, I'm just a person who has troubles with changes... I was unhappy as a guy, and was glad to start anti-androgens and hormones... but I wasn't ready to live full-time and my psy didn't say i had to, but it sort of happened anyway, and it's even already official. it's all going so fast... I feel like I'm losing control. I'm scared i'll lose myself in the process, because it's going too fast to my liking. I'm trying to adapt but i need time... and everything coming now, is new and unknown... as a guy I might've been unhappy, but I had stability in my life, and I knew where I was going... I was going to begin hormones, I was going to live as a girl, but now it's like i'm in an open field not knowing where to go. I'm scared of walking in there. I need stability in my life, I feel safe then... since my parents left on vacation, It's as if that stability dissapeared with them, cause whatever happened or would happen, my parents would be there for me. I know my family and friends are the same, but it's still different.

I really want to transition, if i remember how I could just break into pieces and cry seeing my facial hair, or the masulinity in my body... but it just always scared me that I might regret it, because it happens sometimes that people transition but regret it too late... okay, I don't think my psychiatrist would let that happen, so yes I'm going to be fully honest when i see her. BUt just like my psy knows, my 'ts' is not that obvious, I'm more in between, just more to the female side and she knows that. I just couldn't live as a guy anymore, I tried convincing myself i'm a crossdresser, but I knew I wasn't, I tried to convince i'm a transgenderist (in between) so that it would be normal to feel more female than male (I don't feel male at al though) but wouldn't have to transition. but everytime i looked in the mirror... I didn't want to see that guy, I hated that masculin face. it didn't feel like me...

but like I said, i don't like changes, they think it's something autistic, meh. so even physical changes... I like them, but again it's hard for me... I'm changing physically and mentally, and it scares me, I know i won't like totally become someone different, but you know, I liked my personality, everyone (since I outed myself to my parents and began opening up) liked who i was. I was a funny person, who always looks at the bright side of life, always smiling (even when i didn't feel like it). I'm also scared to end up alone again. what if the changes that occur in me, make me different enough to lose my friends? i've been alone for a looong time, I didn't mind it then, but when i got a taste of the social life, I'm scared of being alone again...

the feat i told you about of regretting... I don't know where it comes exactly from, but when I type or talk like this now, I again am certain that it is the right choice, I just tend to forget why i started to transition (i really forget things easily, too much to my liking actually), and need to remember it clearly again how i felt before i started all this. that makes me calm inside :--)

sorry for the ranting

grtz & hugs,

Sarah xxx

Actually, that was a pretty good vent. And you made it clear that you do understand where your terror lies, and that you are not panicking over any of the warning signs that you are on the wrong path. It is not good that you are afraid, but it is good that you are afraid about reasonable things. Transitioning can be a very scary thing. I admit to having been somewhat concerned from your original post that you may not be on just the right path for you, but now (not that it matters even the slightest what I think) I feel very reassured that you are indeed where you belong to be and should gather your courage and continue. Do discuss this with your therapist.

But in the meantime, when you are in that field, lost, no idea what to do next, don't do anything. Just take your deep breaths, go to your happy place, and try to relax. You are home, you are loved, you are not really lost. It is scary, but you are not really alone even. You still have friends, your parents are coming back, and there are LOTS of people here to chat with as you feel the need arise.

We all experience anxiety over the unknown, and transitioning holds many unknowns. Sometimes it helps to not look so far ahead and just deal with the immediate. Keeps the number of unknowns, and the resultant anxiety, to a minimum. Distraction can also help A LOT. So something that you can get immersed in is called for. Music, a really good book series (have you read Twilight?), your favorite movies. Whatever. I lose myself in housecleaning, or even more mindless, ironing, when I feel distressed. I also build museum quality Napoleonic warships out of wood strips, brass, linen, silk,... Very detailed, completely mind-numbing. Distract yourself, while you are at home, safe, loved. And remember us here. There is ALWAYS someone here that is going through, or has already gone through, pretty much just what you are going through.

Allison

[Guest Evan_J]

There's nothing wrong with changing the pace of your transition. You can go on hormones and just "stay there" for a while . There is no rating against you as a transwoman (I hate that we transpeople almost unspokenly impose that on one another ) for needing or wanting to slow down and only do one step and then wait for the other. I would rather watch a flower bloom when its time than rush it and spoil what it will become.

[Guest Sarah]

thanks for all the answers... but I can't seem to stop thinking about everything. when i was on anti-androgens, most of my friends and family already knew, i was happy with everything going on, i was certain about the hormones, and i didn't have to live as a girl yet. Some people even thought i was a girl then (i dressed rather unisex/androgynous, just a li'l bit more to the boyish side, (the T-shirts were not masculin, but still boy's t-shirt))

It made me really happy, why? because i didn't have to try anything, I was just myself, the clothing was unisex enough to comfort me. okay most people still said sir, but i didn't lie to myself.

now I don't dress really feminin, but more than comfortable, because i try to pass, instead of just being me, wether i pass or not. I feel like now i need to proof I'm a girl, by being and dressing more feminin than i am.

Like i said before, i'm more in between, more androgynous, just more to tthe female side... I hated the masculinity and was glad to start hormones, but i'm not entirely a girl, so i'm scared that maybe this isn't the right way. If i dress to girly, then isn't it just like when trying to dress to manly? but living in between isn't possible, even though my friends and family would accept it, the outside world sees a girl or a guy (i feel like i have to act like one or the other)

okay hormone wise, it's true, you need hormones, male or female. and being genetically male, i knew already how the male hormones made me feel.

becoming more masculine every day, every month every year? no thank you, It freaked me out, (i'm lucky that besides my length, my figure isn't that masculin) even then i tried to be happy with who i was, but i still didn't feel good. so with my psy i eventually started anti-male hormones.

I was so happy then, but the moment i announced school that i was going to live as a girl next schoolyear, some weeks after i panicked, (two months? i have to live as a girl for the rest of my life in only two months time? too quick!!!) after that panic when talking to my psy, we agreed on starting estrogens, (the main reason being that i was getting extremely exhausted with only anti-androgens for 4 months)

I was happy to start then, but was certain that i wasn't ready to live as a girl yet. she didn't have a problem with that.

but it happened anyway, and i was happy. for a month. then my parents left for mexico, and everything that made me happy, crumbled down. fear rised...

now i know what the main reason is. the fact i try to be more girly than i am. my friends made it clear that you don't have to dress feminin to be a girl, (some of my female friends weae more boyish clothes than me, even when i still lived as a guy) but i'm scared to do that. i feel like i'm not allowed to be a masculin girl. (not that i'm masculin, but the way it's going now, is that i'm acting, dressing more girly than what's good for me, than i want to be)

the world will see me as a girl more and more, and i feel like I need to satisfy them, by being and also dressing more fem. my friends know i'm rather androgynous, and keep telling me, whatever people see you as, just be you, as long as you know you're you, and if that's in between, so be it, what does it matter how the outside world sees you?

i know i need to ignore what other people think, and even though i'm getting more feminin on the outside, it doesn't mean i have to be more feminin on the inside.

thinking about it, makes it seem stupid that i thought otherwise, because when i lived as a guy, i was never ever masculine. some people told me they thought i was gay (or at least bi) from the first day, I didn't act masculin even though i lived as a guy. so why do i need to be more feminin when living as a girl?

it's all easy to say or type it here, but i'm not used putting my needs first before others and stuff.

I like to please others, i always want everyone to like me... (note that i never tried to be someone else, but now i do)

I need to learn to be myself, whatever other people think or say... even if that means i'm rather masculin for a girl...

but it scares me >_<

and it's not only the non-trans community that makes me feel like i need to be feminin as a girl, even on here, it's like everyone that's transitioning is a feminin girl, or a masculin guy, and dress that way too, not that it's true... but that's how it feels like.

sorry for another rant,

but yet again this ranting gives me inner rest ^^

grtz & hugs,

Sarah xxx

[Sally]

Sarah,

Times have changed, very few young woman dress really girly.

You don't have to dress or act to please anyone but you - you tried that before acting masculine and it didn't make you very happy so why do you think that doing it now will make you happy?

Just because the act is more feminine doesn't make it anything but just an act like before.

Be yourself, people will accept you as you are a lot quicker than if you are pretending.

As your body becomes more feminine more people will see you as a girl.

Love ya,

Sally

[Paula ult]

Sarah, I'm struggling with the dreaded in between stage too, those that know me still see him, those that don't know me see Paula and i get ma'am'd all the time. I dress to blend in and that usually includes jeans or shorts, blouses, Reeboks or sandles, eye makeup and lip gloss. If you were comfortable dressing more casual, go back to doing that, you have nothing to prove to anybody, just be yourself.

Paula

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Ive run like a mad woman and fought like a demon to get where I am now, but once I start HRT for me it will be a period of slow down for a while. Im already fulltime, so thats one pressure off. Im planning on taking life easy on the hormones, getting used to the mood swings and other side effects, the I gotta go RIGHT BLOODY NOW that I have heard the spiro gives.

Time to let my body reconfig itself and time for me to take care of the other things that go with this transition, name change and updating 3 countries worth of vital stats.

[Guest AllisonD]

when i was on anti-androgens i was happy with everything going on and i didn't have to live as a girl yet.

It made me really happy, why? because i didn't have to try anything, I was just myself, the clothing was unisex enough to comfort me.

now I don't dress really feminin, but more than comfortable, because i try to pass, instead of just being me.... I feel like now i need to proof I'm a girl, by being and dressing more feminin than i am.

Like i said before, i'm more in between, more androgynous,

but i'm not entirely a girl, so i'm scared that maybe this isn't the right way.

but living in between isn't possible, even though my friends and family would accept it, the outside world sees a girl or a guy (i feel like i have to act like one or the other)

okay hormone wise, it's true, you need hormones, male or female. and being genetically male, i knew already how the male hormones made me feel.

I was so happy [with the male hormones], but the moment i announced school that i was going to live as a girl next schoolyear, some weeks after i panicked, (two months? i have to live as a girl for the rest of my life in only two months time? too quick!!!)

was certain that i wasn't ready to live as a girl yet.

i try to be more girly than i am. my friends made it clear that you don't have to dress feminin to be a girl,

i feel like i'm not allowed to be a masculin girl.

i'm acting, dressing more girly than what's good for me, than i want to be

the world will see me as a girl more and more, and i feel like I need to satisfy them, by being and also dressing more fem.

my friends know i'm rather androgynous, and keep telling me, whatever people see you as, just be you, as long as you know you're you, and if that's in between, so be it, what does it matter how the outside world sees you?

i know i need to ignore what other people think, and even though i'm getting more feminin on the outside, it doesn't mean i have to be more feminin on the inside.

so why do i need to be more feminin when living as a girl?

I need to learn to be myself, whatever other people think or say... even if that means i'm rather masculin for a girl...

but it scares me

Sweetheart,

Take a look at the little bits and pieces I pulled out of your last rant. Do you see what I see? Take another look. You are speaking plainly, clearly, consistently. It is all there, right there, you have already said it to yourself.

Do you see what I see? I see that

1) you do not feel like a man

2) you feel androgynous

3) you like the hormones, they help with that

4) you like to dress, behave, and be accepted as androgynous, and your family and friends like you just fine that way

5) transitioning to a girl is terrifying you

6) you don't really want to do that and

7) you feel that that is wrong for you anyway 'cause

8) you are not all that feminine inside.

9) but you think you MUST be one or the other, 'cause

10) it is what is expected of you.

Every time you rant, you paint a clearer picture of where your head and heart are at. It is becoming very clear. You have already figured this out for yourself, you just seem to be overwhelmed by so many feelings and considerations at the same time. Feel your way through this, and see if the list above feels right to you. Correct whatever feels wrong, and then discuss the list with your therapist.

You do not need to do ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable with hormones, dress, behavior, or transitioning. This is one of those things that ONLY you know best, only you can decide what is right or wrong. Don't do it if it doesn't feel right.

Remember, you can always stop from going too far, whatever is too far for you, now. And then start up again if and when you choose to proceed. You do not have to push yourself where you do not want to go. There is absolutely no reason to push yourself into being uncomfortable. No one wants you to do that.

By the way, you do not really have to be one or the other. Did you know that? You will have to choose a bathroom, that is pretty much unavoidable, but the spectrum is just that: a spectrum. You will fall on that spectrum wherever you fall, and adrogynous is just as good a place to be as any other spot. Claim your spot, and make it yours.

Allison

[Guest Sarah]

Thanks Allison, also my mom and dad called this night, because they read my desperate email ' and said that if it's hard whil they're away, then just be who you want to be until they come back (in 2 weeks) and dress however i want to dress. they said going back to living as a boy, might feel safer and ensuring, but it doesn't garantee i'll be happier. which is right. but for now, if it's too hard without them, just be a boy for a while, or a girl, or a boy wearing girl clothes or a girl wearing boy clothes. what they mean is dress and be the way you feel most comfortable now. because I need to study (redo some exams end of august)(it would be a shame if I have to redo part of the first year of college, because of this) and if trying to be sarah, is too much right now, then just be yourself, your friends will understand.

sooooo, now I'm trying to do just that. the problem is that one of my friends (a ts) keeps saying that if i go back now, taking a step back for now, that my friends and family will be something like, what is it now and stuff... i mean she says you shouldn't care what others think, and that she doesn't care, but meanwhile she's saying: do care what others think...

my parents say i shouldn't hang out with her too much, because she's not the right person for me, especially not right now.

and to be honest... they're right, she pushes me in one direction, while saying she doesnt want to push me at all.

anyway, thanks all for the comments

grtz & hugs,

Sarah xxx

[Sally]

It is a fact that anyone who tells you that they don't want to push you that's all that they really want to do so never have a conversation with them while your back is to a cliff!

Love ya,

Sally