Not Sure What I Want

[Guest Justme]

Hi everyone. L know I have written before about my trials and tribulations. Guess i am an enigma. I long for human contact...and then when I get it,..I push it away. Thinking I don't need anyone. I can do this myself. And as much as I wish that was true....it isn't true. I am getting so worn out...trying to do this stuff on my own....that ...I don't even know who I am anymore.

And I guess maybe i should'nt send this. Many of you have put out your freinship to me. I do appreciate it and I will tell you I don't know how to be a friend. I have no idea how to relate to people. Seems like the only thing I am good at is pushing people away. So, I want to apologize to all of you that have tried to be there for me. As much as i need friends and want to be a friend...I just don't know how to do it.

[Sally]

Hey there!

You do know how to be a friend, I've read your posts to others and you understand how to be a friend just fine.

The part you have trouble with is accepting friendship, and that is not as easy as it sounds.

You say that you have a history of 'pushing people away'.

That is because you are suspicious of people offering help and are afraid to acceot help because you feel bad about taking more than you give.

Well I don't ask for anything in return and just by talkiing to me you have given more than you know.

We have the same problem, we are both too hard on ourselves and until we stop making impossible standards for ourselves we will continue to push people away.

Take a good look at yourself, go back and read your own posts to others - read them as though someone else had written them to you - you are a really nice person and one that I would love to call my friend.

Think about it, really wouldn't you like to have a friend like you - the real you not the bad image that you have of yourself.

Relax and let me be your friend - you will find that I can be very hard to push away.

And there are so many others here that consider you a good friend.

Let them be your friends, look at how many there are and then maybe you will believe that you do deserve friends and you do know how to be one.

Love ya, (I really mean that)

Sally

[Guest Justme]

Years ago I could have written your post. I wasn't allowed friends and my opinion didn't matter to anyone especially my father. Now look at me. How did I do it? I realized I grew up as something other than myself. That person was a mask and wasn't real. What's real is my True self which was largely undeveloped. So I rebuilt myself without restricitons from childhood. I feel more confident now than I ever did. Confidence is all you lack. That can be fixed. it just takes time.

The Playground here is a second chance to rebuild yourself as you wish in your true persona. It's a place for developing yourself. You can become the person you wish to be. So keep trying to reach out. There's plenty of social interaction here as well as support. So just be yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Laura

[Sally]

Just keep talking to us and the next thing you know you will be able to talk to anyone just like you do with us, being open and honest is a great way to be (You don't need to hit anybody with gender issues unless they are becoming very close).

You have interests, talk about them, start a PM conversation with someone who likes the same games you do - pick a subject and just chat - not about trans issues, anything else.

I am a jazzmusician, with a long classical background, photographer and world traveler, also a trivia buff, love movies (older ones - I can't afford them anymore), TV dramas and old sit-come all kinds of things, look around and pick a new friend.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest NicolaiAE]

Sally's got the right idea, just keep talking to us. Out there in the real life, I'm very bad at making friends, I've got the same problem you do; I push people away. What kind of games do you like? What about movies or tv shows? I just came back from seeing the new G.I. Joe movie. I thought it was pretty good. As for games I play all kinds of 1-3 person shooters as well as games like pokemon or digimon.

Anyways just share your interests and I'm sure we can all start a good conversation; just like the ones at the dinner table.

-Nicolai

[Guest androgynous]

Hi I'm just wondering, they way you feel now, if you think back a little, did something happen previous that made you feel the feel you feel now? I'm interesting in your reaction.

*hugs*