Overcoming Guilt

[Carolyn Marie]

This has been on my mind a lot of late. I think its an issue of most importance to those of us with families

or spouses, but its probably something all of us deal with at some point. I just need to hear how some of you

have dealt with this issue, because I haven't figured it out yet.

Whether I eventually tell my wife that I need to cross dress periodically to express my Carolyn self, or whether I tell

her that ultimately I need to transition to be Carolyn full time, or something in between, there is one

certainty. I will forever turn our lives upside down and inside out. The word Trauma doesn't begin to express it.

I have heard all of the arguments about "needing to be your true self" and "needing to be a whole person"

and all of the similar things that we say to explain and justify our actions. Yet, it doesn't seem to suffice as

justification for turning the life of your loved one, who had no part in making you who you are, into a nightmare

of uncertainty, confusion, grief, and pain. It IS too much to ask of anyone.

My feelings of guilt over what I am soon to do sometimes overwhelm me. It is certainly something I will

discuss with my therapist. Your thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Evan_J]

I don't really have advice since I'm one that transitioned without a S.O. but you have my friendship while you work it out.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh, Sweetheart....

God, how I feel what your feeling now....

Before I told my wife...for nearly 18 months I cried in my bed at night ...

I had finally realized who and what I was and that if I didn't act on it ...it would be the end of me...

I told her that I didn't want to involve her in all of this..

She said "You involved me when you married me!"

Guilt? Heck...I have it in 24K gold!

I set a date to tell her about 6 weeks away.....I figured that I could muster some courage in that time ...But, as it got closes I began to panic....But, I HAD to do it...

After all of these years together (30) I thought it may crush her...

And that day....Oh my God....

I cried and shook like a leaf...but somehow got through it...

And I've been sorry for doing it to her, although she is adjusting to it really well, it's been very hard for her...

But, In my case I didn't see any other answer...I knew, finally, that I HAD to transition...

And you can't do that that part time on the weekends!

I was committed!

It's like I told Lizzy the other day...

Compare it to a Ham & Egg breakfast...

The Chicken is involved...

The Pig is committed!

Yes...guilt...all consuming all powerful....

And DO spend some time with your therapist over this...mine helped me through it...

But, Honey, if you don't address all of this now and try to keep it down the next 30 years after having come this far....

It's gonna be a hellish life...

Good luck, Baby...

You know that we're here for you.....

So much Love..

Donna Jean

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I definitely feel for you. Coming out to my S.O. was one of the most emotionally difficult things I have ever had to do. I'm not going to lie. It was pretty much horrible, but we did get through it. It's definitely something that requires a lot of planning and forethought. My only advice is to be completely honest about how you feel and what you need to be happy. You also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that even if coming out doesn't lead to ending the relationship, it is likely to change a lot of things. My S.O. was pretty much devastated and wasn't able to hide it. Eventually he (appeared to) get over it and became very supportive. We're still good friends but had to agree that the relationship couldn't continue in the way that it was before. He was a straight identified male without a lot of flexibility in that. It isn't homophobia. It's just how he is. I don't blame him. Anyway, as it stands now, we celebrate the good time we had together and have remained close. I probably have more respect for him than for anyone else I know. He's one of those people who get to know and think "he's too good to be true", but then when you look closer you realize it isn't an act. He's really that good of a person. So, reading how much I admire my S.O., you can imagine how horrible it felt to have to hurt him like I did.

I know that burden of guilt is probably pretty heavy. In my case, I felt much better once things were out in the open. I'd hidden my gender issues for so long that I felt like there was this wall between me and everyone else I knew. It kept me from ever truly being close to someone. There was always that one thing I kept back, and it was a huge part of who I was. Even though coming out caused one relationship to endure a pretty traumatic "phase change", the end result has been that I probably have closer, more honest relationships with nearly everyone else who is important in my life.

You've got my support and friendship. I know this is a difficult time. I'm glad you have a therapist to discus things with.

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks guys. I truly appreciate the heartfelt responses. I know there is no easy way around it,

and that guilt is part of the process. Sometimes I just need to unload it so it doesn't sit there

and fester. I'll find a way to deal with it, and knowing you all will be there for me helps immensely.

This has just been one of those days.

Love,

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

I don't have anything really comforting here it would seem at first but it really is.

I had only been married alittle over 5 1/2 years when I told my wife, she was at first only worried that I might leave - I was taking things so slowly that if my therapist had been a man he would have transitioned for me, luckily my therapist is a very patient woman.

She then talked to her family, wh have always, did dutring the marriage and continue to run her life for her.

She left, I had really not even started to transition while we were together, I had shaved my mustache and that was about it.

Looking back almost immediately I saw that our marriage had been very one sided, I gave up my family and everything else so that she could do what her family wanted her to do, I wasn't even second on her list it was, family, her, her job, meals out and then me - fifth in importance is no way to be.

It sent my self esteem into a tailspin and you all know how low our self esteem starts anyway.

I came to the conclusion that the only reason that every relationship I have ever had failed was because of me - I was being me so how could I relate to anyone else.

Now I am alone and much better off for it but that is only my situation some of you stay together some stay close with their exes - I have not heard one word from mine and I am pretty happy about that!

As to guilt, I felt it before coming out but never after, I realized that she wantted to be married because her sisters were and she can't live alone.

I was just available, and nice.

Someday I hope to meet someone who will see me as desirable rather than available.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Thanks guys. I truly appreciate the heartfelt responses. I know there is no easy way around it,

and that guilt is part of the process. Sometimes I just need to unload it so it doesn't sit there

and fester. I'll find a way to deal with it, and knowing you all will be there for me helps immensely.

This has just been one of those days.

Love,

Carolyn Marie

Here is what I think about when the guilt starts to weigh on me:

Guilt is kind of a natural response to having to do things you know may upset others. The fact you feel guilt doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing something wrong. One thing I keep telling myself is that being the strongest, healthiest person I can be is what is better off for everyone in the long run. If you are truly happy and secure then you can have an even more positive influence in other people's lives. Taking that step outside of my comfort zone and possibly upsetting some people is what it takes to get to that place.

In all truth, the long-term effects of mopey, grouchy, depressed me probably did more harm to my loved ones than the short-term trauma of having to deal with my coming out.

If the present is getting you down, sometimes it helps to try and reframe things in the context of a longer time line.

Hope your day gets better!

[Guest AshleyRF]

I can't be of much help to you with this one either since my wife knew about this long before we were ever married and has always been 100% supportive, but I do understand how it turns your lives upside down. Even though she knew this about me, things changed drastically once I actually began my transition. It has taken some getting use to by both of us. If fact, we are still getting use to all the changes and then there is the actual surgery to face. That is also going to shake things up around here.

The best you can hope for is that she will be understanding and compassionate, but you can hardly blame her if she isn't. Keep in mind that "Carolyn" is far from the person she married and try to be compassionate and understanding towards her. Sadly all to often people in these situations tend to focus only on themselves and how things affect them and never see things from their spouses perspective.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide. Hope it all works out.

[Guest angie]

Having come out like a race horse out the gates,and lost everything

and everyone,I can say,take it slooooow and easy.Approach the subject

with kid gloves.Bring up the subject of transsexuals, and see how she

reacts.Above all,be totally upfront and honest when the time comes that

you have made the decision that you must transition.I know more than one

woman who ran off and had her Orchiectomy,then told her spouse.Or,started

HRT for months,trying to hide why the sudden lack of interest in sex,or wearing

a tee all the time to cover budding breasts.The chances of a failed marriage are

multiplied in fold by this betrayal of trust that a woman will never forget,or likely

to forgive.It is the ladies who include their spouse,go at a very slow pace,giving

her time to adjust to the thought of living,being married to another woman,that

have the greatest chance of working through this most difficult of times.I personally

know couples who have made it through all the way to her surgery and are a happy

thriving couple.BUT,once again,she took her time,included her spouse in all of her

journey,changing at a pace they can both adjust and grow comfortable with.

Do Not Lie...Do Not Hide The Truth Of Where You Must Go.If you do this,your marriage

can survive.To others wise,is bound to have consequences you would rather not face.

I am living proof of that.

Angelique

[Carolyn Marie]

Very good advice, Angie. That is certainly the approach I will take when the time is at hand.

Thank you!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

This is a hard topic to discuss. I didn't really have a choice in coming out to my wife - she caught me dressed. One of the conditions that she stay around was I would seek therapy. Well, it turned out a bit different from what my wife exspected as I was diagnosed transsexual.

Oh my - it destroyed my wife! It took her six months to process her grief and anger. She decided to stay with me but made certain I knew how much she was suffering. I knew. I know...

And the grief I had in doing that to her nearly killed me. It was never an easy time. We made it, but there were other more likely outcomes...

BUT

I don't know how I could have told her? I just don't have a clue. Donna Jean worked it out and was prepared for the worst and it worked ot. Sally tried and it didn't work out.

We just do it I guess - and perhaps telling is better than being caught. But iin any case - 'betrayal' and 'I never signed on for this" comes into play.

I can see that being a woman and finding your husband is also a woman would destroy your life AND your self perception. My wife said why, in ten years, did she NOT KNOW!.

I don't have the answer.

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

My Dearest Carolyn,

I cannot believe that I missed this topic of yours. Feeling guilty is many of us experience (especially us crossdressers). When I was married, I used to crossdress when my wife and kids were not around and later would feel just awful about it. I can tell you this hon, the guilt/shame does fade away over time.

I think that the shame fades as you accept yourself more and realize that you are not doing anything wrong. You are just being who you are and expressing who you are. It took me a long time to realize that.

I am divorced now as I am sure that you know. Regardless of that, my ex accepts me and my children accept me as to who I am.

Give it time sweetheart. As you accept yourself more and your wife accepts you more, things will fall into place for you.

The guilt will pass!!

HUGS

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Oh my - it destroyed my wife! It took her six months to process her grief and anger. She decided to stay with me but made certain I knew how much she was suffering. I knew. I know...

I don't have the answer.

Lizzy

That is the heart of my dilemma, knowing that it's likely to be that way for my wife.

I guess the answer is there is no getting around the guilt. It will be there, and I'll

have to overcome it and work through it. My therapist will have job security for a while.

Thank you so much, Lizzy and Brenda. You're support means the world to me.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest April63]

Wikipedia defines guilt: "Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes - whether justified or not - that he or she has violated a moral standard, and is responsible for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse."

So I guess you can change that moral standard.. but you'll probably go through guilt that route too.

[Guest again]

??? What about just feeling guilty (read that sorry) about being responsible for someone else's pain? Knowing that in order to save your own sanity, someone else might be hurt---forget the moral standards issue, sounds just a bit too preachy & judgemental.

[Carolyn Marie]

My college professors always say not to pay attention to Wikipedia, and never, ever use it as a

source for a paper.

Remember that all you full time students.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest angie]

I carried immense guilt and feelings of abandonment forever.

And why I am trying to this day to make amends and heal the

rift caused by my need to be true to who I am.If married,guilt

is a part of our journey.Coming to terms with having lived a lie

for a lifetime,marrying a woman that you knew that one day you

will have to tell her the truth of your inner true self being female.

Well,I did from day one.Lived the lie for another twenty three years.

My wife always knew she was in there,but that she could keep her

under control by not letting my cross dressing go as far I wanted.

She was spot on.

Angie

[Guest rachael1]

Sorry I got here so late Carolyn,

I had another conversation with my wife today about my transgendered nature.

She made the comment that she'd wished I had never come out to her, but I know and she eventually admitted that it would have been worse if I had continued to hide it from her and she discovered this by herself.

Her perception of me has certainly changed which makes me sad but I knew it was inevitable once I decided to come out.

I believe our marriage will survive, our relationship will alter, there will be some good changes and some things that will be lost forever, but I don't regret telling her for one second as the misery of hiding my true self from her was destroying my soul.

I think my wife is going through a sort of grieving process right now I try to give her time and space to help her adjust but there are times when I need to look after my own emotional status as well and thus we have another talk, like the one we had today.

There is no rush in coming out to your wife, and when you feel anguished just console yourself that you will tell her but in a way that will ensure she is hurt as little as possible.

Love

Rachael

[Guest CharliTo]

I know I'm late too...but I thought I'd share something that was told to me and something that I paraphrase to the best of my memory that although I didn't have to come out to an S.O....it got me prepared to come out to my mother and my best friends...

"Relationships are a two way deals. It's enveloped in layers along layers that each time they are peeled and the deeper section is revealed, a relationship deepens. If you're in a relationship, there will be layers along the way. In order to get closer to each other, and having a relationship that's deep, you have to manage to get over these layers together. You reveal the layer...and your partner peels it off and vice versa. If all goes well, they'll see a deeper side of you and the relationship deepens. If you loved someone, wouldn't you want to know what weighs them down?"

I mean. I suppose you might have heard something similar before...but thought I'd share it...g'luck Carolyn >_<

[Guest S. Chrissie]

??? What about just feeling guilty (read that sorry) about being responsible for someone else's pain? Knowing that in order to save your own sanity, someone else might be hurt---forget the moral standards issue, sounds just a bit too preachy & judgemental.

But how and why is that person in question in pain? Because you lied to them, lying, according to their moral standard, is bad. Then again...lying to anyone isn't healthy. Because this marriage isn't what they sign up for? Married to a "man" that happens to be a "woman". lying too. So you see...you can't escape from moral standards. It's not preachy or judgemental, it just is. You have your own moral standards, you adhere to some of the moral standards that are agreed upon by society.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Am i guilty, sure,

guilty of selfishly doing what I had to do to survive

guilty of turning my life and the lives of my SO and her daughter on their collective heads

guilty of finally realizing that the body I was born in was not the one I was supposed to have

There may come a time where space and time is the solution, give your SO plenty of personal space and time to figure things out; in one essay i wrote I put it this way:

"...More appropriately it should be space and time once you come out to people they have four choices:

• Accept you, your condition and the changes that will be happening

• Tell you that you are an abomination before God and to get out of their life and not come back (this reaction may be quite rare)

• Initially react with anger, hurt and pain but not immediately toss you out on your head

• Tell you to get out of the house or to leave themselves (unfortunately this reaction is all too common)

If you have one of those angels who accepts you and your changes and still wants to be with you, my friend you have indeed found a rare woman. I would advise that you do all you can to maintain and build this relationship since she will be most valuable to you when the insanity of HRT begins and emotionally you don’t know which way is up. In many ways the second reaction is really the forth one with the addition of religion. There is little you can do to fight it so if either of the two happens to you, my deepest sympathies, but it is time to start trying to figure out where you are going to camp for the coming nights.

The more common reaction that of anger, hurt and pain gives you many more options since there is room for you to try and find ways of accommodating your need to be a woman and at the same time to be working on the new parameters of the relationship. Here is where the space time (space and time) comes in since you partner is going to need lots of both to figure out how she is going to deal with the new you. "

Our SO's and others in the family will probably be one of hurt, anger, pain, and the ever popular the last xx years have all been a lie, well not quite since a lie is an intentional untruth and since we have not known of this sooner then we could not hide it from them (even though we might have been semisuccessfully hiding it from ourselves). The time comes to bite the bullet and let them know what is happening with you and how the road ahead is going to look, then step back, be ready to face the recriminations, accusations and who knows what else. Remember space time, or space and time she is going to need lots of both to come to terms with your transition.

Female SO's more so it seems than male ones will require input from a trusted friend or two, dont worry if this happens because it is the way women are. I have been outed by my SO, in the early days it hurt and i told her I would rather choose who I outed myself to. Now it really doesnt matter to me and if the kids at her school ask, as they have, if I'm a man or a woman I simply smile and go about my business. Given the nature of the town I live in for me its the safer way of doing things rather than trying to explain to a pubesent male just what is going on with me. For 98% of them it really isnt their business.

Coming out to friends, family, church members and employers is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. It is the one thing that makes you put it all on the line and has you wondering what will be left once the dust settles. I am luckier than many I have been able to transition openly at work, even though my marriage, in all likelihood, cant be savved we remain good friends and will share accomodations into the future. Her daughter refuses to accomodate my transition and still uses my old name and all the male pronouns. She knows that I'm fast getting to the point where I wont answer to them. Last night she called me to come and help her, but she used my old name only to get a response of "Who?" this seemed to annoy her. To that I say get used to it because the further along this trail I go, the less I am going to want to hear that old name, and once I do the name change it wont be my name anymore.

[Guest amie]

This is one that rilly bothers me. I think about this quite often and when I do, 4 people come to mind immediately: my grandmother, my 2 nieces and my nephew.

As far as my grandmother is concerned, she is in her last years and will never know by my doing. I'm firm on this one. She has very old fashioned values and I'm never gonna roll the dice on hurting her.

As for my nieces and nephew, I've called upon all my imaginative powers to try and picture sitting them down to tell them and come up short every time.

I'm just baffled as to how I'd pull that off. They adore me and It hurts me to know I'd hurt them with the news.

One of the things I've discovered about myself through coming out to the extent that I have, is that I'm far more selfless than I ever thought I was. It's both taxing and gratifying...but nothing worth having comes without a price or comes easy, right?

I can foresee this bein' one of the hardest things I'd hafta do if the opportunity to tranz came my way, that's for sure.

[Guest mia 1]

Other than cheating and lying to your wife about "Sex with that woman" this is probalbly the hardest thing of our spouses to accept..the telling part is relativly easy the push back is really tough..you have to deciede if you are going to listen to their expalanation of what has happend to " the realtionship" or tell her that you are who you are and that your love for her hasn't changed.

My advice is to read Petra Janes...pinned article about cross dresers and marriage and whwt you did not say when you proposed and how honest you were at the time and how things are the "same but different//go read Carolyn then come back and tell us what you got out of the article..Mia

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

This has been on my mind a lot of late. I think its an issue of most importance to those of us with families

or spouses, but its probably something all of us deal with at some point. I just need to hear how some of you

have dealt with this issue, because I haven't figured it out yet.

Whether I eventually tell my wife that I need to cross dress periodically to express my Carolyn self, or whether I tell

her that ultimately I need to transition to be Carolyn full time, or something in between, there is one

certainty. I will forever turn our lives upside down and inside out. The word Trauma doesn't begin to express it.

I have heard all of the arguments about "needing to be your true self" and "needing to be a whole person"

and all of the similar things that we say to explain and justify our actions. Yet, it doesn't seem to suffice as

justification for turning the life of your loved one, who had no part in making you who you are, into a nightmare

of uncertainty, confusion, grief, and pain. It IS too much to ask of anyone.

My feelings of guilt over what I am soon to do sometimes overwhelm me. It is certainly something I will

discuss with my therapist. Your thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

Carolyn Marie

You are right about it turning the family on its head, it will also likely destroy many friendships and other relationships. When I came out to my SO her reactions ran the gamut from anger, to pain, grief, Oh my goodness, the last xx years have been a lie, and the ever popular I want a divorce. I know that in many ways we shouldnt have the right to do that to another person but looking at it from the other perspective we have spent who knows how many years of our lives doing what others and society expected of us as males.

Selfish as it sounds we finally have to do what is right for us since there comes a point where this need can no longer be denied If we try to keep it hidden, burried or not expressed the consequences for our physical and mental health are grim indeed; for me it was fast becoming a case of transition, or if I couldn't i was likely to either end up in a nut ward or die.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

This is a hard topic to discuss. I didn't really have a choice in coming out to my wife - she caught me dressed. One of the conditions that she stay around was I would seek therapy. Well, it turned out a bit different from what my wife exspected as I was diagnosed transsexual.

Oh my - it destroyed my wife! It took her six months to process her grief and anger. She decided to stay with me but made certain I knew how much she was suffering. I knew. I know...

And the grief I had in doing that to her nearly killed me. It was never an easy time. We made it, but there were other more likely outcomes...

BUT

I don't know how I could have told her? I just don't have a clue. Donna Jean worked it out and was prepared for the worst and it worked ot. Sally tried and it didn't work out.

We just do it I guess - and perhaps telling is better than being caught. But iin any case - 'betrayal' and 'I never signed on for this" comes into play.

I can see that being a woman and finding your husband is also a woman would destroy your life AND your self perception. My wife said why, in ten years, did she NOT KNOW!.

I don't have the answer.

Lizzy

Boy dont i know that feeling, its 5 months and counting for my SO (yeah she deserves that status back) and best girlfriend. She has done a wonderful job in accepting who I am and adjusting to it; however she doe let me know that she is still having a rough go of it sometimes.

One of the things I think helped us was that, as my transition started, I didnt insist on sleeping with her. I moved into the spare bedroom allowing her to keep the master (is it now the mistress?) bedroom to herself. This gave her the space and privacy she needed to process things, talk with a couple gf's of her's with out worrying that i will walk in on one of the convos and interrupt her. Luckily we have two bathrooms so I can have all of my stuff in one of them and she can have the other for what she needs, so things work out fairly well. I just wish the same could be said for her daughter (27 y/o) who seems to not want to accept thing at all. I constantly fear that she will out me in public by refusing to use my name and by refusing to get the pronouns right.