Overcoming Guilt

[Guest *Elizabeth Anne*]

Carolyn

This Topic lingers, as it should. I answered and I reread and I pondered some more. It comes down to this and this only, my opinion of course:

WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO WE HAVE?

It gets to be the 'for better or for worse' clause in the marriage vows. You didn't murder someone, you don't have a fatal disease... but you DID keep a secret, and the 'betrayal' may end your marriage. It came down to my wife realizing (1) I cannot help being like I am (2) I kept it from her because I thought I could ovecome it myself (I cannot) and (3) because I feared losing her in the telling (I love her enough to lie to her). That sounds symplistic, maybe, but it seems so true...

The rest of the struggle after that is her overcoming her fear of your transitioning, and what it means to the family unit.

BUT

WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO? Do we keep living a lie? Do we suddenly become 'cured?' Does it workout on its own and we live happily everafter?

That is why this Topic lingers.

Lizzy

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Unless you knew for years before you married and still didnt tell your SO then its not keeping a secret because you didnt know that you had this condition. You knew something was wrong but in your life the dr's probly didnt know how to diagnose, much less treat this condition. I am sure we have all been through the angry and hurt SO gauntlet and know how much that tears at us and destroys us inside.

Like you said though just what choice do we have, many of us have lived the lie for so long that we nearly believe it ourselves. However there comes a point where its find away to accomodate the disphoria or end up crazy or dead.

[Guest mia 1]

Another reply just to remind you that there wil be a period of anger, feelings of betryal and ultimately resignation to who you are. However,why are you wondering about being a cross dresser vs. a transgendered women?If you are that confused about your position about gender dysphoria maybe you should see a gender tharapist firrst..they will help immensly....and with their knowledge of your past they will guide you to the right decision...they helped me immensly..please listen to your heart and your past feelings..work it out with your therapist your self and then your wife...then share your resolution with us.......We love you....Mia

[Carolyn Marie]

Yes, this topic certainly seems to have a life of its own. I suppose its because it does hit such a raw nerve

with so many of us, and there are no easy answers.

Mia, as you said, I was and remain conflicted, but I have been in therapy and we are making progress towards

finding the answers that I seek about myself. Until I get closer to those answers, my therapist has

strongly suggested that I not come out to my S.O., and so I continue with my hiding and my guilt. I looked for

but couldn't find Petra's post that you mentioned, so if you could post a link I would appreciate it very much.

I truly appreciate all of the thoughtful responses to my question. Wounds, whether old and healed or new

and raw, will always be painful to reopen. But sometimes its for the better and helps us heal.

Love,

Carolyn Marie

[Guest again]

But how and why is that person in question in pain? Because you lied to them, lying, according to their moral standard, is bad. Then again...lying to anyone isn't healthy. Because this marriage isn't what they sign up for? Married to a "man" that happens to be a "woman". lying too. So you see...you can't escape from moral standards. It's not preachy or judgemental, it just is. You have your own moral standards, you adhere to some of the moral standards that are agreed upon by society.

What exactly are the "moral standards agreed upon by society"? There is no objective moral standard in "society" because each member of society has their own feelings and speculations on what they believe is right or wrong in any given situation. If a person got into a marriage knowing that they were transexual, for example, but felt at the time that they could change or suppress their feelings & the pressure that was put on them by everyone in their world and in their extended community was such that to reveal the truth about themselves would destroy them---well my personal moral standard would be that it is understandable that the person kept things to themselves. If a person discovered, after marrying someone, that they were transexual, for example, and the same harsh judgements would be cast on them, again, my personal moral standard is that it is understandable that the person not want to reveal things & feels guilt about that.

[Guest Emma C]

Carolyn,

I really understand how you feel. I came out to my wife about 3 weeks ago and it's fair to say that she is still coming to grips with it. I agree that it is difficult to justify putting anyone through that, especially someone that you love.

I perhaps told her sooner than I would have in hindsight, but after my counsellor suggested I consider whether I had gender issues the realisation of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Knowing this thing that made sense of so many difficult parts of my life and being able to talk about my hidden fantasies made me so happy that my wife asked me what the hell it was that I was talking to the counsellor about. I don't think she was expecting my answer.

Emma