Is There A "right Time"?

[Guest My_Genesis]

I'm wondering, how did everyone here tell people they were trans? Is there a "right time" to come out to people or do you just do it whenever? There are some people (friends from college) I would like to bring it up with... my problem though, it's kind of vicious cycle. 'cause i sit there and start thinking, well i'm not really close enough friends with them to tell them something so personal. but the reason i can't ever really become a close friend with ANYONE is because, simply they don't KNOW me. so in order for them to know me, they need to know this giganto part of my life im hiding from them, but i'm not comfortable enough to bring it up cuz i feel like we aren't close enough friends and it's way too personal

I mean, there comes a point where I just can't hide it anymore (I'd rather tell someone I'm trans than sit there and awkwardly attempt to answer someone's question about guys i like ...the second scenario to me is way worse and essentially that's the only way ive ever been able to bring up the trans topic with anyone )

so all i do now is try to avoid topics like that, which is hard to do if you're a college student, lol, things like that are going to come up in any close friendship...which is why i basically end up not really being able to relate to or strike up a convo with ANYONE.

So is there a way to go about doing this or should I just have a talk with someone as soon as we would consider each other friends, even if not really close ones?

I appreciate any and all input

[Guest Eth]

Personally, I say it whenever it seems appropriate. I also try not to make a big deal out of it- I just answer whatever questions they have. So yeah. That's pretty much all there is to it for me.

愛 Eth

[Guest CharliTo]

I'm wondering, how did everyone here tell people they were trans? Is there a "right time" to come out to people or do you just do it whenever? There are some people (friends from college) I would like to bring it up with... my problem though, it's kind of vicious cycle. 'cause i sit there and start thinking, well i'm not really close enough friends with them to tell them something so personal. but the reason i can't ever really become a close friend with ANYONE is because, simply they don't KNOW me. so in order for them to know me, they need to know this giganto part of my life im hiding from them, but i'm not comfortable enough to bring it up cuz i feel like we aren't close enough friends and it's way too personal

I mean, there comes a point where I just can't hide it anymore (I'd rather tell someone I'm trans than sit there and awkwardly attempt to answer someone's question about guys i like ...the second scenario to me is way worse and essentially that's the only way ive ever been able to bring up the trans topic with anyone )

so all i do now is try to avoid topics like that, which is hard to do if you're a college student, lol, things like that are going to come up in any close friendship...which is why i basically end up not really being able to relate to or strike up a convo with ANYONE.

So is there a way to go about doing this or should I just have a talk with someone as soon as we would consider each other friends, even if not really close ones?

I appreciate any and all input

I'll reply because I am practically in the same situation. lol.

I go back and forth from being out to boy mode alllll the time because of that issue.

I haven't found a shortcut either... actually, the only short cut I found out is that I've been consistently coming out to people through instant messengers... it's generally easier I think since you get to deal with them in real time, but at the same time...you won't be too nervous when you're typing in order to articulate what you're trying to tell them...

*hug*

[Guest Donna Jean]

My Gen.............

Honey, I have to say that there are similarities in ways to come out.....

But, over all coming out for people is like snowflakes...no two alike....

As much as I want to be totally out...my therapist warned me to tell people on a "Need to know" basis....

So, for me, I'm out to mostly professionals....therapist, Doctors..etc...

And for work ...to go extra slow ....that is important.....if you really need to keep your job...

I'm looked at where I work as Gay and I can tolerate that for now...(don't like it, but....)

But, I have to say that there is a lot of good advice here from folks that have come out....read it and see what things best fit your situation!

Good Luck, Honey!

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Good advice - and I especially like the snowflake comparison. Different every time!

I had a plan - I would only come out to a person when actually with them (no telephone, no email) BUT didn't work.

People discover you have something going on and call you or email you. What can you do?

And I also wanted to come out to a person when we were alone - sometimes I can - but not always. It will come up sometimes in a group.

And I wanted to tell people on a schedule - close family first, close friends, and so on. It didn't work that way either.

The only thing I learned is to NOT come out unless asked. That works best. If they have a curiosity on "what's going on?" then they will most likely be receptive to what you say. Just saying out of the blue, well, unexpectedly for them, puts them at a loss for words. They tend to not listen after the first sentence or two.

I hope this helps. It HARD when you are 'bursting' to tell.

And of course - you use your instincts, and how you do it needs to be loving and casual. A real difficult thing to be casual - "Oh, isn't it a nice day? I am changing my gender. By the way, how is your mother?"

Lizzy

[Sally]

It is something that has to be done by feel, you can't decide how someone else will react or when they need to know, they are the ones that control all of that.

When someone is curious they are ready to hear it like Lizzy said, but that does not mean that they are ready or even capable of accepting dso don't be surprised if even then some of them don't take it too well.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

A real difficult thing to be casual - "Oh, isn't it a nice day? I am changing my gender. By the way, how is your mother?"

Technically, that would be "I'm changing my sex" You like your gender but you know, "semantics".

And :

well i'm not really close enough friends with them to tell them something so personal. but the reason i can't ever really become a close friend with ANYONE is because, simply they don't KNOW me. so in order for them to know me, they need to know this giganto part of my life im hiding from them, but i'm not comfortable enough to bring it up cuz i feel like we aren't close enough friends and it's way too personal

Catch 22 isn't it? I'll deal with that at the end of this.....

I'd rather tell someone I'm trans than sit there and awkwardly attempt to answer someone's question about guys i like

The "real" (and I guess I say that kinda "knowing " you at this point) problem is technically the answer to that direct question is "I don't do guys". (Nobody has asked about your identity, they asked about attraction) And your reaction of course is "but that makes it sound like I'm a lesbian, and I'm not" and you're right. And so then it would have to be "I'm trans and I don't do guys." (you can't actually say "I'm trans and so I don't do guys, that implies you couldn't be both trans and attracted to men and we here know thats not true). So then in a sense, you're coming out about both things. How it gets received and processed (with regard to whether or not that person thinks you're "gay" ) is 50% up to how you deliver the definition of what trans is and 50% what that person chooses to think anyhow. In a way, people who don't care about getting the gay label are at an advantage in that they have plenty of time to demonstrate exactly how "not gay" they are without being psyched out. But I know thats not you So then you really need to be effective in your explanation of transgendered.

If you wanted to deal with a question that had for its immediate answer "Because I'm trans". Then you need a question that asks things like "Why do you only wear mens clothes?", "Why do you only own mens underwear?", "Why do you get your hair cut like that?", "Why do you only buy men's cologne". Without gender characteristic cues there is no reason to ask you gender identity questions. And if you were obviously doing those types of things, people would then kind of start coming in two groups I think. -Those who don't know you well enough to ask but speculate. And those who think they do. It actually IS hard to be trans "in secret" if you are "being" like your gender. The "coming out" is just explaining what everybody can see any day of the week. That actually deals with ....

well i'm not really close enough friends with them to tell them something so personal. but the reason i can't ever really become a close friend with ANYONE is because, simply they don't KNOW me. so in order for them to know me, they need to know this giganto part of my life im hiding from them, but i'm not comfortable enough to bring it up cuz i feel like we aren't close enough friends and it's way too personal

So then the question I guess is are you ready to "really" come out. And not the one where you conversate with people. The one where you act like what you really want to act like (and yes, that means not retreat into "an acceptable girl behavior" because they scare you)<--everybody does this last bit early on or is severly temted to thats called bein human.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Technically, that would be "I'm changing my sex" You like your gender but you know, "semantics".

lol i was actually thinking the same thing when i read that

The "real" (and I guess I say that kinda "knowing " you at this point) problem is technically the answer to that direct question is "I don't do guys". (Nobody has asked about your identity, they asked about attraction) And your reaction of course is "but that makes it sound like I'm a lesbian, and I'm not" and you're right. And so then it would have to be "I'm trans and I don't do guys." (you can't actually say "I'm trans and so I don't do guys, that implies you couldn't be both trans and attracted to men and we here know thats not true). So then in a sense, you're coming out about both things. How it gets received and processed (with regard to whether or not that person thinks you're "gay" ) is 50% up to how you deliver the definition of what trans is and 50% what that person chooses to think anyhow. In a way, people who don't care about getting the gay label are at an advantage in that they have plenty of time to demonstrate exactly how "not gay" they are without being psyched out. But I know thats not you So then you really need to be effective in your explanation of transgendered.

So then the question I guess is are you ready to "really" come out. And not the one where you conversate with people. The one where you act like what you really want to act like (and yes, that means not retreat into "an acceptable girl behavior" because they scare you)<--everybody does this last bit early on or is severly temted to thats called bein human.

Yeah it's an attraction question, but that's exactly what I'm worried about - that no one will ever really believe what I'm saying, and even though externally they might say "okay, whatever works for you", they might really be thinking "totally an insecure lesbian." So I always bring up the trans thing first because that seems to be more convincing, to say you've always felt like you should have been born male, then go into all that orientation crap, rather than "i'm not into guys - but I'm not a lesbian either - I consider myself a heterosexual male." Just makes it sound a lot harder to wrap your head around, to me. And I'm sometimes not very good at wording things like that, that are, well, personal things about myself. lol. no matter what it is. which brings me to the thing about talking to people about it in person.

3 scenarios where I've explained being trans:

1 - via IM. I am definitely with CharliTo on this one. This was with one of my closest friends, who's female. (ha figures, doesn't it, i wonder why i'm not as anal retentive about having conversations with her as most people. )

2 - email. My RA from freshman year. And I think I was still seriously shaking after I sent that email. That was also mostly to avoid her ever asking me "so any guys you like? ....any girls? just checking..." -type questions ever again because we were eating dinner at our dining hall when she asked that and I probably couldve thrown up on my tray right there. but in any case i seem to have accomplished that end, i never got that that type of question from her since that email (to which i never got a reply, more an in-person follow-up that i never followed up on...oops...)

3 - This guy from school asked me if I wanted to hang out and watch a movie in his dorm, and since all our dorms are co-ed and all the guys in the hall I lived in were pretty cool and we always watched movies together, like a group of us, I figured I'm being paranoid thinking that there would be anything else beyond a movie in anyone's mind. Well, never ignore your paranoia.

Anyway to make a long story short I ended up TEXTING this guy my explanation why I am refusing to kiss him, even though he was sitting right there. And yes it was probably the worst day of my college career so far and yes I'd like not to have to elaborate anymore on this story.

So yes I'd much rather do it in a not-in-person way, it is a lot easier to explain that way. the thing is, there have been SO many times it would have fit well into an IM convo or something with a couple people but I didn't bring it up...instead I just sit there "this is a good time to bring it up...maybe it isn't...nah I'll wait for a better time..."

(and yes, that means not retreat into "an acceptable girl behavior" because they scare you)

I have issues with doing that, lol. Basically because I just can't, or I don't know what "acceptable girl behavior" is. I have to study other girls and be like "is it okay for me to _______? or are people going to question me because of that?" "oh well other girls do it i guess it's okay." i just don't care anymore about using "acceptable girl behavior" because most of the time that seems to make things worse, it's like I'm trying too hard, people can tell something is off. Instead I'm just myself but a very reserved version of myself..I don't know whether that's any better..

[Guest Evan_J]

I always bring up the trans thing first because that seems to be more convincing,

Nothing wrong with doing it that way It sounds fine. Just sounds like you're tired of having to do it lol. The more male your presentation becomes though the less (oddly) I think you'll need to . People will start making their own assessments.

Yeah it's an attraction question, but that's exactly what I'm worried about - that no one will ever really believe what I'm saying, and even though externally they might say "okay, whatever works for you", they might really be thinking "totally an insecure lesbian."

And you know what? You can't make them not. EVERYBODY (cis, trans, short people , people who are 'x' religion) has to accept that they control no ones thoughts. You can try to get them to have a correct understanding of you but you can't make it be there. YOU have to get over not being able to.For folks who really aren't in your friend circle theres a certain amount of having to not care that you're gonna have to develop -at least for a while For those peeps who ARE in your friend circle, they'll likely be around long enough that your life will demonstrate the difference.

[Guest Mr.Yoav]

My problem is that I spend TOO much time planning telling someone. It's better to just think about it real quick, make a choice if that person should know, and then do it.

But doing it is the hardest thing.

[Guest SaraNetherlands]

I always follow the gut feeling. Being quite empathic I'm usually terrific at timing the right moment to get out to someone, feeling which person has the personality and closeness to accept the decission or otherwise when a person understands or trusts me enough to know I'm not just going on a freak tour. Somehow I just never (have) befriend(ed) people who have a closeminded or phobia personality. While my friends and contact circle is small, I always follow the gut feeling which has never failed me thus far. To my parrents it was a row of emotional setbacks while to a good friend it was supporting her and her opening up, me in return telling about my transsexuality (my gut told me she'd be more willing to open up to me if she knows I can feel vulnerable too and we since then support eachother a lot).

Preparing speeches (for me) always screws up. It's all nice on paper but if someone does not react like we hoped for we suddenly lose the guts or control. It's why I try to feel adn probe how people react and how they see me and don't even bother trying to learn fancy lines of 'getting out'.

My advice is follow your gut feeling, but only if you're able to do that and more importantly only if you can trust your gut feeling to be right (for some it is, for others it just never is).

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sweetheart,

There is no pat answer to your question per se. Each situation is unique. All I can say to you is what has worked for me. Be yourself, and questions will follow. Those who wonder and are your friends care enough to understand, and ask.... that is the time. I am always posting about letting coming out take care of itself. It does. Don't think about it, just let it be. In time, as you express you, you will come out.

I am sure that you find yourself more comfortable to be truely who you are with certain people than with others. Just as your comfort level changes among groups, your ability to come out selflessly will change.

Sorry for the ramble. The bottom line is this, don't think about it, just let it be, just let it flow. When you relax, the time to come out becomes clear.

Gosh I hope this helps,

Brenda

[Guest darlene lynn]

I agree with the need to know basis. But if you want it to get around on its own,then find someone you know that cant keep a secret and theyll tell everyone for you.(I know from personal experince)I didnt intend for it to get out to so many as it did but in the end it helped me out.

Darlene Lynnette

[Guest My_Genesis]

I always follow the gut feeling. Being quite empathic I'm usually terrific at timing the right moment to get out to someone, feeling which person has the personality and closeness to accept the decission or otherwise when a person understands or trusts me enough to know I'm not just going on a freak tour.

My advice is follow your gut feeling, but only if you're able to do that and more importantly only if you can trust your gut feeling to be right (for some it is, for others it just never is).

I'm not good at that kind of thing, I'm not sure I even have "gut feelings"... :/

@bernii: Part of the problem is I'm just not comfortable enough to be myself to the point that they would begin questioning anything, and when a convo steers in that direction i tend to approach it objectively rather than personally or just back out of it I think I'm just not really particularly comfortable around people in general

[Guest Cody_T]

If I were you, I'd forget about telling them and work on getting yourself to the point where you can be comfortable around them. Right now, it's like you have this gigantic wall separating yourself from all of them, and telling them is just going to make the wall more visible. I don't see how telling them would affect it, seeing as you'll still have tons of people that you won't have told, who will see your expression as it's not intended. If you're worried about everyone you meet seeing you for a lesbian, you will have to walk around with a sign over your head that says "I'm transsexual. I'm a guy. I'm straight" because people will assume things about you, often for no good reason. Even if you're being read consistently male, you'll need a sign that says "I'm straight", because chances are someone you pass might think you're gay.

As for the right time to come out... once you're comfortable with yourself to the point where you can handle being viewed as a trans person. Once you're willing to answer the inevitable questions, deal with the androgyny and misgendering, and stop worrying about what everyone thinks about you.

I mean, you could do it and just act how you are right now, but that's saying "well, I act so much like a heterosexual female because I'm actually a heterosexual male". It makes sense, in light of growing up in a strictly heteronormative environment, and being homophobic, that you might act that way. But does it really make sense to people who aren't well versed in transsexuality? Not especially. And then people will think you're 'just a lesbian' or that you're confused, or doing this for attention, or a ton of other things- because if you're trans, you have to be able to convince other people. It sucks, but that's really the way it is.

So I'd say the best way to do this is get to the point where you can be yourself first. Trust me, that's all in your head and has nothing to do with them. Once you can, individual timing isn't so important. As long as you're in the right place, you just have to make sure it's not a specifically bad time to tell them.

And for a huge group of people, a facebook message or something like that might be good, the more people at once, the better. Devise who you think you need to tell personally, and who just needs to know. The first ones, tell personally, be that e-mail or aim or in person, just tailor it to them. The others you can mass notify in some way.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

People - you are good:

I wrote: I am changing my GENDER, because that is what I say.

I AVOID the word SEX in any form or fashion as it panics people.

I KNOW - I know, 'gender' is not correct. My gender as MTF has always been set as female but if I say I am changing my sex?

The " SNIP SNIP - PLOP PLOP - OH MY GOD!" alarm goes off.

So I say 'I am changing my gender" and smile. I supposse the 'oh my - 'he' means into a..... 'she!' alarm goes off- but that seems more palatable to most people.

ALSO I am not "transsexual" - I am 'transgender" - again inaccurate.

But it can prevent fainting, sudden shreeeeaks! and an instant call to the attorney for an exclussion from Aunt Fannie's Will.

Sorry for the inaccuracy!

Lizzy

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

My_Gen, it sounds like you are in a difficult place. Cody makes some excellent points, so I am not going to repeat what he said. However, I guess I'd like to add a little to it.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, you might look into seeing someone at your school's clinic. It's usually free, at least it is at my school. It really sounds like you could really benefit from having an impartial professional to bounce ideas off of.

Deciding when to disclose or when not to disclose is something you have to do on a case by case basis. I inform on a "need to know" basis, but am also in a situation where a rather large number of people need to know.

Perhaps the best part of being out to one's general friend group is that it almost eliminates those weird situations where people expect you to act like a girl. Now that I'm out to most people I don't have to constantly answer questions about marriage, which is actually kind of funny. Now that I'm open about being attracted to women, suddenly people are significantly less interested in my love life...which is interesting because there isn't any real reason why that should be.

In your case, it doesn't sound like you are quite ready to be out on any large scale. It doesn't seem like you are comfortable bursting out of your closet full steam ahead. You wouldn't be doing yourself any favors by doing that if you aren't comfortable identifying as transgender. It'd be really stressful for you. Most definitely get with a counselor and talk things out. Coming out to a counselor is much less of a big deal. If you're over 18 they aren't allowed to tell anyone what you say (unless you threaten to hurt yourself or someone else...then they have to report it).

I know how it feels to have that "wall" between you and everyone you meet. It makes you feel isolated. I totally understand. All I can say is to choose your friends carefully. True friends won't care if you are gay, trans, or a dinosaur.

Oh...and a word about guys who invite you to their place to watch a movie. "Watch a movie" is frequently a code word that means "make out". Look out for that. Only watch movies with guys if lots of others are around.

[Guest Evan_J]

Oh...and a word about guys who invite you to their place to watch a movie. "Watch a movie" is frequently a code word that means "make out". Look out for that. Only watch movies with guys if lots of others are around.

Or any other activity in which only the two of you will be there. Truthfully, men have no interest in watching movies with women. Or playing chess or any other activity thats completely devoid of either touchy-feely flirtyness, or sex. If they want to do those things they look for other men. True; men want to "hang out with a friend, he looks for men. He wants something "in addition" he looks for women.

She can be a lot of things- friend with benefits, "special" friend, friend "+", even "little " friend.

But when he says friend he 999 times out of a thousand means somebody who has the same body as him and if he's straight there's no sex involved. -unless its both of them pursuing it.

If I were you, I'd forget about telling them and work on getting yourself to the point where you can be comfortable around them. Right now, it's like you have this gigantic wall separating yourself from all of them, and telling them is just going to make the wall more visible. I don't see how telling them would affect it, seeing as you'll still have tons of people that you won't have told, who will see your expression as it's not intended. If you're worried about everyone you meet seeing you for a lesbian, you will have to walk around with a sign over your head that says "I'm transsexual. I'm a guy. I'm straight" because people will assume things about you, often for no good reason. Even if you're being read consistently male, you'll need a sign that says "I'm straight", because chances are someone you pass might think you're gay.

MG, Cody is all over you. And you know what? He's right. At this point, this is not about "being trans" , this is about being YOU. You don't even have the ability to be "you". You're runnin and hiding in so many ways from so many things . You even use the "appearance" of distanced intellectual examination as a front......Just stop bro. Just stop. No drama. No big productions. Just stop. Let yourself be you cuz if you don't you're gonna keep runnin to the point.... You can't Gen.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

MG, Cody is all over you. And you know what? He's right. At this point, this is not about "being trans" , this is about being YOU. You don't even have the ability to be "you". You're runnin and hiding in so many ways from so many things . You even use the "appearance" of distanced intellectual examination as a front......Just stop bro. Just stop. No drama. No big productions. Just stop. Let yourself be you cuz if you don't you're gonna keep runnin to the point.... You can't Gen.

Evan's on a roll here. Listen to the man. You often do present yourself as the detached, outside observer. That's fine if it is a position you take some of the time. If you distance yourself too much and too frequently, that's not healthy. Eventually you'll be able to find the strength to be yourself and tell other people they can like it or hit the road. When you get to that place, it will feel pretty great. Until then...there's work to be done.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Oh...and a word about guys who invite you to their place to watch a movie. "Watch a movie" is frequently a code word that means "make out". Look out for that. Only watch movies with guys if lots of others are around.

well duh.

I assumed at least his roommate would be there. I dunno, like i said I was used to doing everything in groups, so that's the impression I had.

And I was seeing a therapist at the school, it was $10/visit, she was actually a doctoral candidate though - what they do at my school is have doctoral candidates work at the health center as interns... she was recommended to me because i was told she's worked with a lot of people with "gender issues." The thing is after they graduate and get their degree, they don't come back, so I have to find someone new every year...unless I go to the psychologist who works at the school, which will end up costing me more, or if I get a referral off-campus. which will also end up costing me more, and is more time-consuming, since im already a full-time student and working part-time.

and this has been discussed, but there is a lot that i never really got to that was left kind of open-ended. we went through how a lot of it has to do with my parents, i think. my sister is 13 years old and i see it with her, too. my mom makes it hard to have a social life... i don't think ive had a friendship in which i was actually comfortable around the person since around 5th or 6th grade...when everyone started doing things on their own, i was shut out from the world because i was rarely allowed to ever go anywhere. so now i have that to get over in college before i can really ever not feel so socially awkward around peers. it just seems like no matter who it is, it takes so much mental effort for me to be able to carry a normal conversation with someone. i really wish i could go back to when i didn't have to try so hard to have friends. :/

I mean, you could do it and just act how you are right now, but that's saying "well, I act so much like a heterosexual female because I'm actually a heterosexual male". It makes sense, in light of growing up in a strictly heteronormative environment, and being homophobic, that you might act that way. But does it really make sense to people who aren't well versed in transsexuality? Not especially. And then people will think you're 'just a lesbian' or that you're confused, or doing this for attention, or a ton of other things- because if you're trans, you have to be able to convince other people. It sucks, but that's really the way it is.

That doesn't make much sense to me either I don't really know what "acting like a heterosexual female" means. i also don't really know what acting how I am right now means, I'm not really trying to be looked at a certain way, the only time I would have to is when something relevant comes up. So i just end up avoiding any talk about sexual orientation and such, rather than being fake in any way, which seems to be a part of my "wall" problem. That's where all the detached-ness comes from, there are a lot of situations I end up avoiding...