A Strange Wonderful Terrifying Experience

[Guest Bethany]

Once in a great while life can throw so much at us, that it is difficult to acknowledge there can be, an end to the tunnel, let alone allow us to see it. With so many forks in the road how can one anticipate the outcome of the choices we make? I had found myself finally able to see that indeed I did have a future. Now I'm beginning to see some brightness, and infact it is quite overwheming.

Dwelling on the negative is not my intent here but I will need to set the stage for the wonderous, by quickly(?) describing some painfull events. The reawakening to an inner self buried so deeply, that it would never be found, was brought about by the assistance of a rather angry individual weilding a tire iron, who sought his relief by beating my head reapedly. After I wrestled this instrument of hatred away, I remember wondering, Why couldnt I use the tire iron and retaliate, what was wrong with me? It is my belief this event may have resulted in a closed head injury. the resulting personality shift actually restricted access to my male personality contruct. You know a marriage is in trouble when the husband begins to act like a twelve year old girl. I loved my wife dearly and was devestated by not being able to be the one she needed. No way do I want to blame a physical injury on my problem, intuitively I know things would have manifested the same. later on in my life. Maybe I'm healing or maybe just out of my mind but I'm happy for all the pain and suffering that brings to me who and what I am now.

I traversed the advisable route of counceling at the masters level then onto the phd level, I still laugh at their advice, dress more! Getting my letters for hrt brought some much needed happiness. With some time I'd found some of the same kind of rejection from my family as I'd felt from my wife. The timing of my first coming out was bad, but as I can see now it was needed. The mistake I made was not giving myself enough time to heal from the pain and guilt I'd felt from my divorce before telling my parents. Lacking much in the way of social skill I didnt make any real friends at the support meetings at the gender center. The extended depressive episode should have been anticipated but wasnt. My transition was halted, life lost all value, Heck with the collective existance was futile... years went by and I was still curled up barely surviving on the money made while I could work. A rare lunch with an Aunt resulted in my father being told there was need to be concerned about me.

Going back on hormones seemed to really help, I began to feel better about myself and my life. Back to working fulltime, still sooo many bills to catch up on. after a few months of healing I began realizing I may still loose my family and job, I was considering moving out to Arizona for a new life. Contact with family increased a little. It was nice to hear those I cared about say how much better I looked, truly hope seemed more then just a concept. The phone call telling me that my father was in the hospital terrified me. My mother who is an ms invalid needed someone there to help care for her. I went over and helped out as much as I could, thankfully things come together sometimes when they need to. My Aunt and brother were worrying about long term care for my parents, after considering my uncertain future I mentioned I could move over there. My father, the man who selflessly cared for my mother, lifting her to her chair everytime she needed to go to the bathroom, out of bed in the morning and into bed at night, cooking and cleaning, to the point of exhaustion, is now home.

Yesterday I talked with my Dad and discussed my moving in. We talked about where I could get set up, I was worried about being able to have a little privacy when I needed. Selfishly I had to mention why privacy was important and made sure he understood my transition was back on. For the first time I felt the kind of acceptance from him that I never had before. Could it be true that I could be needed? Accepted? Wanted? I almost feel like screaming Stop It You Are Freaking Me Out! Instead of hating myself for my own self absortion, I want to give. To all you givers out there, I want to be more like you!

My appologies for such a huge text bomb. I feel better for writing it. Instead of deleting this I will post it, just in case someone can benefit from my mistakes.

I'm hoping others here will get to know me enough to discover that I'm not always so extreem or emotional, but actually quite lighthearted, no really!

Bethany

[Guest matthew41]

Bethany,

Welcome to the playground. You did the best you could do, hindsight shows us all alternatives we didn't choose and its hard not to dwell on them at times. I am happy that you are reconnecting with your family while there is still time for the relationship with them to heal. Thank you very much for sharing this with us.

Matt