Not Still Young But Not Yet Wise...

[Guest JesseD]

I think my older cousin really wanted to have a little brother because whenever I visited my uncle's house, Rob would latch onto me immediately and lead me around their farm, doing all the things that little boys like to do with their friends or brothers. And how I loved it. Well, firing a hunting rifle freaked me out a bit (I was far too small to hold it properly) but traipsing through nature and getting bug-bit and skinned knees was just fantastic.

The irony is that today? Rob would totally freak out if he knew I was genderqueer. It's already bad enough that I have a girlfriend. I can only imagine how he'd react if I told him he was the first one to show me how much fun being a boy could be.

These days, I live as non-gendered (or mixed-gendered?) as I can. I don't ask people to call me 'he' but I object to being called a 'pretty lady' or 'madam'. I buy and wear boy's clothes almost exclusively. I wear sports bras and T-Kingdom binders, but I've got very dense c-cup breasts that are very hard to disguise and the baggier the clothes i wear, the smaller it makes me look (think a little boy in handmedowns from an older brother).

To family weddings I bind and wear suits. Strangely, this gets almost no second glances and I'm still not even 'out' as genderqueer to my family. I'm 26 but when I try to pass, I look about 16. This can be fun, but also means it's pretty hard to be taken seriously as an adult unless I present as a woman.

My mother is very supportive of me being gay (of having a biologically female SO), but freaks out at any mention of gender disphoria. She is very much about 'girl power' and does not understand why anyone would not want to embrace the feminine, despite her being a very strong, assertive and powerful person herself. I made a passing reference to top surgery (in the context of a suit I'd bought coming with free alterations and how that would be convenient if I ever wanted to have my boobs cut off) and she reacted so BADLY to the idea of me not appreciating my "beautiful female body" that I've never talked about it with her since.

I don't -hate- my body, but I also can't say I feel right in it. Even though I don't think I'd want to live 100% of the time as a man (ie, with the people around me never knowing I was biologically female), I still feel as though my ideal body would be without breasts and hips, a lithe sort of muscular, definitely masculine.

I feel wierd --kind of like I'm cheating-- every time I go into a woman's restroom. I feel kind of guilty that my girlfriends trust me so much and do all kinds of things with me that they wouldn't do or feel comfortable doing if I were biologically a man (such as sharing beds and changing in the same room, etc). But at the same time, I wouldn't want to lose that trust.

I just want to be ME and not have that me NEED to be a woman. I want to be judged on the things I do and my own successes and dreams and goals and not what's between my legs or even between the legs of the person I want to be with. I don't want to be a girl, but I also don't want to be what society expects of a 'man'. I don't want to drink beer and watch football and be called a sissy if I like musical theatre and sewing. I want to be a queer boy that sometimes likes 'girly' things. Is that so wierd?

This is all very disjointed and disconnected thoughts, but I suppose that's what these forums are good for... is getting these things down and out of your head.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Actually - its good to hear all that. Not everyone is unhappy with their body, in part or totally.

You are what you are - and that is perfectly okay.

You can evaluate as you go - make adjustmens - but basically be happy not worrying about labels. That can be a rarity...

I was not a particulary feminine boy, I just didn't like masculine things done in a group. Fishing was fun (hated hunting) and I LOVE firearms! I love backpacking too. And many women and men like the same things - no labels.

That's the joy of living your life by what YOU want to do.

Just a few opinions.

Lizzy

[Guest JesseD]

I was not a particulary feminine boy, I just didn't like masculine things done in a group. Fishing was fun (hated hunting) and I LOVE firearms! I love backpacking too. And many women and men like the same things - no labels.

It's actually really nice to hear that not everyone feels the need to give up certain 'gendered' activities just because the gender they present isn't 'supposed to' do those things. I just think that's so sad when we do that! (yeah, I've done it too-- avoiding certain things that might seem too 'girly' or trying to act 'macho' even when that's not my personality). But I don't want to give up sewing just because boys aren't 'supposed' to do it!

Thanks for your thoughts!!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

That is funny - I always liked to sew, not to make clothes but to make them fit better and to keep them repaired It is rather simple once you know how and really make you feel your are accomplishing something. And I can iron well and take pride in my clothing at work. I am good enough to iron for my wife (who can't ever do it right.... hummmmm.... you don't think? nawwww).

Where did I learn all this? Sewing on Boy Scout patches. I had the sewing merit badge. And in the Army - the Army can insist of a lot of 'sharp' presentation!

And I cook - not gourmet but well enough - that's not gender oriented that much - but constantly scanning through cookbooks and watching the cooking shows might be a touch more than what most male bodied people do. And I do artistic things - and love beads (use them for my wind chimes!) Sometimes I spend more time in Hobby Lobby that in Home Depot - but I love Home Depot too - especially the plant section.

And I don't grow show flowers (except Morning Glories , Vinca Minor, Antique Roses, Pansies (wintertime) and Impatients (summer)- but LOVE house plants. And I build wooden ships - the list yikes! Genealogy! Collect Kerosene lamps - and my favorite (always has been) - women's clothes shopping - for me and for my wife - I guess that is gender specific - GRIN.

So we can do what we want - we can enjoy what we like. No labels.

Lizzy