A Few Things

[Guest Javey]

Good news, bad news, in between news.

Things have pretty much totally cleared up with my mom. I can't even remember the last time we had a fight. Shes not freaking out and yelling at me and threatening me anymore, its awesome! Thank God THAT didn't last! We can actually like, *talk* now without it ending in anger. Now its just a matter of summoning up the courage to say "He" when she asks me "What pronoun are you preferring today?!" I get all nervous...idk. Its funny though, she asks everyone! (who knows, so no worries there!) We can actually discuss it without her getting freaking out and running from the conversation. We even goofed off in the doctors office today (which I'm about to get too). She started playing with the spine models when the doctor walked out. Poking me with them. Giving them names and making them talk. I go "Stop it! He's gonna walk in and your gonna get in trouble!" (but i was busting up) And she started poking me in the arm making some weird voice pretending it was the spine. I just go "Oh my God!!! Your like a gremlin! I can't take you anywhere!" Then we laughed and made fun of his selection of magazines till he came back.

This is random but i have to say something about it...

I had a really weird dream... I time traveled to the future and met myself by accident. I was a guy! Totally passed! I was like, hot too. Don't mean to be bragadocious, but really hot (Lets hope that turns to reality) I almost wanted to ask myself out but i thought that might be a little narcissistic.

I ran up to myself and started asking questions, but future me didn't believe it was me from the past. Which i thought was ironic. If I'm in the past traveling to the FUTURE, wouldn't future me be aware of time travel?!

So on Friday I'm getting an MRI. My back pain (from what the doctors in Southern California told me in 05 was a slipped disk) started flaring up again. REALLY bad. Its gotten much better but it still hurts. Its not just back pain either. I mean, upper and lower, middle, chest pain, neck pain, random tingly sensations, its ridiculous. We go to our regular doctor. He looks at my Xray from 05 and gasped. That was comforting... He sends us to a spine doctor. I filled out the paperwork about the pain i was having. Doctor comes in the room, does a double take, then goes "wait, your the patient?" After he walked out of the room i just go "Oh my god! 'your the patient?' what was that supposed to mean?!" my mom said its probably because he usually sees symptoms like this in older people (then i said "...or because I'm so beautiful" and thats when we started goofing around XD) Apparently, i don't have a slipped disk. I HAVE A SPINE FRACTURE, CAUSING THE BONE TO SLIP, WHICH IS NOW BEING HELD UP BY THE DISK. California doctors didn't tell us anything about the fracture. NICE. They just freaked out and said i needed major back surgery that might make me crippled. Shortly after we left the state.

I CAN get surgery, but i don't have to, according to this guy. But since its causing me pain its probably a good option. He said the most dangerous thing is the stuff that makes me fall asleep, and I'm more likely to die in a car crash. He's done it 30 times on people my age, and says they pretty much all went back to normal activity's. No inability to bend forwards like the other doctors were talking about... So at least there is an up side to all this.

But this whole thing is just super scary.

I also had to fill out the female side of the chart =/ That made me all *blaahh* for the rest of the day. This is why the doctor's suck. I can't even say I'm too sick to go! lol.

But seriously, this is terrifying to me. The doctor made it out like it wasn't a huge deal, but I'm totally freaked out.

Physical aspects are really getting me down right now =/ All this spine stuff, and then wanting a male body. Jeeze, One at time!!! OVERLOAD! D:

Last but not least,

I'm afraid i might have killed my mom and her best friends friendship I call her my aunt because she's that close. Always has been, she's been there forever. I was emailing her during the period of time where my mom went all insane AGH on me. I mentioned this in a previous post. She called my mom and told her off about how she should have called social services years ago and what a terrible mother she is and all this horrible, really uncalled for stuff that just made matters between us worse. But she was going to send me a recorder so i could tape the arguments and all this stuff, but as things calmed down i told her i didn't need it and she hasn't really talked to me since....? I don't know what the deal is. But my mom said they hadn't spoken on the phone since the last time my aunt told her off. But she says they were fine when they texted and stuff. But once they got on the phone my aunt would FREAK. I'm just really afraid I've ruined they're friendship. I can't be at fault for that, i can't! They've always gotten along so well! They've been best friends since i can't even remember! The earliest memory i have of my aunt is when i was 4! And if all that is ruined, its my fault. I feel like such a jerk.

[Guest Evan_J]

Don't feel like a jerk. I remember that time period and you posted about it. I would contact the aunt and have a long talk. Tell her how stuff is going now. THANK her for being on your side (cuz she totally was, and actually now might be wondering if she was somehow wrong to be ) and let her know that yeah, your mom seems to have calmed down, and you're trying to stay on good terms with her thats what you always wanted , but when things weren't like this you really did need her and hope she's not going away cuz you actually don't know what will happen in the future. Let her know you worry that you've done bad by the two of them as far as the relationship between them (she probably will tell you she still doesn't agree with what your mom did, and you know what? she's right. Forgiving someone doesn't make what they did right. It just means you're trying to have a relationship with them PAST it.) but still want her in your life.

[Guest *Elizabeth Anne*]

Evan said it.

And don't freakout over your medical thing - get it fixed and move on. And the male thing? That's you - and you are what you are. What these two friends went through was probably good - it might make them stronger, might not. But it's their deal not yours. Talk to your aunt, She is probably still POd at your mom, and justafiably so. Maybe you can show her some good things your mom is doing now.

Sounds like you feel pretty good. Just be careful to not nosedive if things get bad again - people are people and that happens - so stay strong.

Just some ideas...

Lizzy

[Sally]

Well Javey,

You have gotten the advice that you need and all I can really offer you is my support and prayers for you.

Any surgery is dangerous and as your doctor said from the things that they use to put you to sleep as much as the surgery itself.

You will do just fine and the odds are that your mom and her frined will be able to work things out and if not they would have broken up over some other arguement one day.

So keep positive, call your aunt and have your surgery - won't transitioning be so much better without the back pain?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Javey]

Don't feel like a jerk. I remember that time period and you posted about it. I would contact the aunt and have a long talk. Tell her how stuff is going now. THANK her for being on your side (cuz she totally was, and actually now might be wondering if she was somehow wrong to be ) and let her know that yeah, your mom seems to have calmed down, and you're trying to stay on good terms with her thats what you always wanted , but when things weren't like this you really did need her and hope she's not going away cuz you actually don't know what will happen in the future. Let her know you worry that you've done bad by the two of them as far as the relationship between them (she probably will tell you she still doesn't agree with what your mom did, and you know what? she's right. Forgiving someone doesn't make what they did right. It just means you're trying to have a relationship with them PAST it.) but still want her in your life.

Yup, sounds like a good plan. They've gotten in huge fights before and worked it out (and i mean HUGE) so hopefully they can overcome this. I'm having trouble getting in contact with her but if all else fails I'll be in California again pretty soon. Gaah, i wouldn't have emailed her about everything had i known this would happen >.<

[Guest Javey]

Evan said it.

And don't freakout over your medical thing - get it fixed and move on. And the male thing? That's you - and you are what you are. What these two friends went through was probably good - it might make them stronger, might not. But it's their deal not yours. Talk to your aunt, She is probably still POd at your mom, and justafiably so. Maybe you can show her some good things your mom is doing now.

Sounds like you feel pretty good. Just be careful to not nosedive if things get bad again - people are people and that happens - so stay strong.

Just some ideas...

Lizzy

Yeah i can understand her being angry with my mom still. Especially since shes not here and can't see whats going on right now. Buuuut she didn't actually do any of the things she threatened, and things are fine now, I'd like to just move on, ya know?

I'm trying not to freak out about all the medical stuff. Its really difficult though. I'm pretty sure i feel like its a bigger deal then it really is. But idk. The decision of actually getting the surgery is happening Friday after the MRI. And I'm probably going to get it, just because I'm in (sometimes really horrible) pain all the time. Kinda weird. I'm afraid of getting the surgery but also afraid of continuing life with the condition i have. I'd rather get the surgery, but the thought of the whole process just freaks me out.

Random thought thats occurred to me: My spine is descending WAY forward, if you feel it from the top of my neck to my tale bone, it disappears completely in the middle (except one spot where it pops back out then disappears again) I wonder... Once it gets all aligned again... Am i gonna be taller?! Lol.

[Guest Javey]

Well Javey,

You have gotten the advice that you need and all I can really offer you is my support and prayers for you.

Any surgery is dangerous and as your doctor said from the things that they use to put you to sleep as much as the surgery itself.

You will do just fine and the odds are that your mom and her frined will be able to work things out and if not they would have broken up over some other arguement one day.

So keep positive, call your aunt and have your surgery - won't transitioning be so much better without the back pain?

Love ya,

Sally

Lol, EVERYTHING would be better without the back pain. EVERYTHING. Not to mention I'd be able to pick stuff up again. I'm all weak now because for the last couple of years I haven't been able to pick up anything over 8 pounds, under doctors orders. So getting it fixed would enable me to do the "guys" part of the stunts in ballroom (Or leading. I never really got why its the "guys" part and the "girls" part instead of just leading and following.) because I can't throw girls in the air if i can only pick up 8 pounds....unless someones willing to lend me an infant, but i doubt that will happen XD.