Hello All!

[Guest B.M.Smith]

I would like to start off by saying, Greetings everyone!

I have been lurking around here for a little while and finally decided to join. From what I see, there is no better place for a terribly, gender confused teen!

Now, I guess I'll say a little about myself. My name, is B.M.Smith. The B and the M are of no importance as I think they are quite ugly names, given by quite an (Emotionally) ugly woman, my mother. People call me B, or Smut, which is a nick-name for smith, not a dirty word. (You have NO idea how many times I've had to explain that to people. ) I am Sixteen years of age and, am in fact a born male. Ever since I was young I've been interested in girl's stuff, from clothes, to accessories, to hair styles, all of it. But, of course, being that my father is an Englishman who tries to avoid conflict at all costs, and my incredibly strict irish mother had to have everything her way, I hid my desires.

Even at a young age, I knew that if I told my parents that I preffered those items of a girl, I would be in horrible trouble, be it beatings, or hours of emotional torment. Basically, pick your poison. For the first 10 years of my life, I was abused physically and emotionally, blah blah blah. (I've never been one for emotional talks about myself.) My mother finally stopped with the physical abuse, when it became apparent that the next thing I was to break, would be her. I developed a horrible temper, much like hers, and a list of mental.... disturbances. I have been plagued by multi-personality problems for years, as well as suffering from Dysthymia, and some other less interesting medical diagnoses.

My mother has finally calmed down and realized that the way she raised me, was, in fact, in a non-healthy environment. All it took to make her realize that, was a few trips to the emergency room (Chances are you could guess why.) along with many instances of being admitted to the local child's psych ward. It was around two years ago when my mother finally realized that the reason of my being there was (in the most part), attributed to her attitude and the way she delt with her stress. Do I hate my mother? No. Do I resent her? Yes.

Anyways, back on track. Alot of my low self-esteem problems are attributed to my mother, AND, keeping my secret hidden. The want... Nay, the NEED to dress, and look the way I want, has almost killed me on a couple occasions. I can't hold my secret in any longer, and I wish to speak up, and hopefully start taking Hormones before my Seventeenth birthday. (Which would be in middle to late, November.) Now, that being said. I don't want surgery to change my current.... gender state. The fact of just looking, and passing as female would be delightful for me, as I do not want the surgery at all. So I don't know where that leaves me.

Anywho, my introduction may seem choppy to some, and for that, I truly apologize. I look forward to interacting with as many of you as I can, and hopefully making some new friends. I wish you all the best.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Good morning, Honey.....

It's so very nice to meet you!

Well, let me get you comfy first....

Lets start with some of Sally's Double Chocolet Cookies and some nice hot coco!

There!

Now, let me tell you a little bit about the Playground...

First...we don't judge...you can just be yourself....

And it's a safe, moderated site.....

More of the folks will be by shortly to say "Hi"....

So make yourself at home ('cause you are!) and just relax.....OK?

Good......

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, B (no, I can't bring myself to use your other nickname Lol).

Welcome to Laura's! You'll find this to be a wonderful site full of great, caring and

friendly people just like you.

Please do check out the Teen Forum and the other forum's, or log in to Chat if

you are so inclined. Have fun, make friends, and feel at home here, because

you are.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest AllisonD]

Hi B

You do seem willing to chat, and you mentioned some really interesting things to share. I picked up on one that makes me curious, if that is OK. By the way, I am one of the older ladies here and so it has been a very long time since I was working out these feelings for myself.

So I noticed that you said that "the NEED to dress, and look the way I want, has almost killed me on a couple occasions." and that you still keep the feeling a secret. So I have to ask, if that is OK, how this has almost killed you? I have to ask because I am aware that some young people actually do find themselves in danger, for a variety of reasons, and if you would be willing to explain just what that meant...?

Back in the dark ages, when I was not 'permitted' to dress appropriately, I still did of course and I found it liberating. It didn't kill me in any sense. Having to do drag (dress as a boy) was certainly difficult, but not dressing appropriately, as in blouse, tights, and jumper. There are a number of people here that truly enjoy wearing girl's clothes for its own sake, but this is not you? Do you need to do this but do not like it? I am probably just a little dense and simply do not understand.

Regardless, you have come to the right place to find your spot(s) on the gender spectrum. There is something for everyone here, and no matter where you fit, you will find company, so welcome.

Allison

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome B!!

I am sure that you have many questions, so go ahead and ask!! Don't worry, you are safe here!!! Additonally, do you know about Laura's chat rooms? There is another area you can meet people too.

So look around in the forums sweetheart. Don't be shy,go ahead and post hon. I would love to hear more from you!!

Welcome!

HUGS

Brenda

[Sally]

Hello B,

I just saw you in here and I see that Donna Jean has gotten you set with refreshments and that you have met some of the girls already, aren't they sweet?

I noticed that you said that you didn't want surgery that the hormones would be fine for you - that's great, we don't have any gender levels here just a whole lot of stops all along the spectrum, so whatever makes you happy makes us happy too.

So just come on and post any questions or thoughts that you might have.

Love ya,

Sally

PS: As a moderator I am required to mention to keep all posts within the forum rules and at least PG-13.

[Guest B.M.Smith]

Thank you Donna, I appreciate it alot. It is very nice to meet you aswell, and thank you VERY much for the Cookies and the coco! I think that I'll definately enjoy being a part of this HUUUUUUGE family.

Hehe, I don't blame you Carolyn. Quite a few people have opted for B instead of the alternative. Thank you for the warm welcome, and I'll definately hit up the teen forums.

Yes, it is definately okay Allison. Anything you want to know, I'll be happy to share.

Well, being in such a strict environment, the ever present threat of being disovered, has for the most part stopped me from dressing the way I'd like. I'm not sure how my mother would take it, and my father. Well, my father's never really been a part fo my life, he's more of just a man who lives here with my mother, sister, and myself. So emotionally, not being able to dress the way I'd like, it has made a huge impact on my mental health. Depression/Dysthymia, anger problems, low self esteem and self image. Now, I have a couple times, dressed myself fully in girl's clothes that I acquired from my girlfriend. (Luckily I can tell her anything, and she's quite alright with this aspect of my life.) The other way it has almost killed me is because of the stress it has caused, and the depression, I have been in the trauma center Five times for attempted suicide.

It's hard to explain how I feel, especially when I put on girl's clothes. Like, I want to dress that way SO bad, and it's making such a huge impact on my life and my health, but when I start putting them on, I feel bad aswell. It's hard to accept for me. The way I was raised, was to be a "Man". Grow up, get good grades, work-out, and join the Military. Then find a nice woman, marry her, have children, and live my life like that, and raise my children to follow the same path I did. That's how I was raised. I HATE it. The whole Nature vs Nuture thing comes to apply here. And it sucks. So my bigest thing to do now, is to accept this as who I am, it won't be easy. But It's the only way to move on. Because I'm never going to feel any different.

Anyways, I've rambled on enough about that. Thank you for welcoiming me, and the question Allison. I appreciate it.

Thank you Brenda, I actually did not know about Laura's the chat rooms. I'll check them out, for sure. I'll definately start posting. Now the only question is, can you keep up.

Hello Sally, yes they are quite delicious! Thank you for the welcome, and I'll try my best to keep my posts PG-13. On occasion, I may explain something the wrong way, and it may seem innapropriate due to my personality disorder and I apologize now. I'll tyr my best to keep a clear head on my shoulders, but please let me know if something is innapropriate. But you don't have to worry, I won't intentionally post innapropriate things.

[Sally]

I'm sure that you are going to fit in here just fine.

We all have our moments and that is what makes us all humans.

So relax and have a great time.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi

Welcome to the playground, so nice to meet you.

I see you have meet a bunch of the family.

Real nice group here and when you have 5 posts in you can PM anyone.

So post, post, post.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Jean

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Welcome to the forum's you will find a few of us who have had your level of difficulty in life, me being one and yes my mom wanted everything her way as well. So post all you like, were all friends here.