Half A Century

[Guest mia 1]

Somtime early this week it will be half a century since I took the clothes from my Mother's hamper,and stood in front of the bathroom mirror and saw what I would look like as the girl that I wanted to kiss and hug.

That is the way I remember it..wanting to have that girl in the mirror as my sweetheart.....

It was a day before my sophmore year of H.S. and the feeling of those clothes, the old fashioned panty/girdle combo with the hooks that held up the "stockings" and that white bra made me feel so wonderful.

Well through this 50yr. period I've bought clothes, purged, denied my gifts and always returned always, always, always, to the gift of gender dysphoria.

Oh how the names have changed through out the decades, transvestite, cross dresser etc. drag queen if you want the pejorative from the non gifted community, but the feelings of envelopment and satisfaction with who you are always remain constant.

Well any way I thought I would share this special time in my life with all of you..wish me the best in my recognition of who we all are and thanks for including me in this wonderful community of trans genderism..how ever far it takes me and you

Enjoying this time of reflection....Mia

[Sally]

Thank you Mia.

It is something to reflect back and remember just how long ago it all began and those wonderful feelings of the very first time, I am about a year shy of the 50 because I started in Junior high.

So whenever you think about purging your wardrobe and leaving it all behind - how many times have you done that in your life time?

If I had all of the money that I spent on clothes that no one but me ever saw and ended up in a dumpster or Good Wiil bim I would not be having financial troubles now - even buying at discount houses, outlet stores and thrift shops over 50 years how much would that be - I can remember at least 15 pairs of shoes (there would have been more but they are harder to hide and all of that while maintaining the male waredrobe so this was all just extra expense.

NO when I think about just remaining who everyone else tells me I am I can only look back and know that as it has been for so long, I am the one who is right and they once again are wrong.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest mia 1]

It is amazing isn't it Sally how we've all shared the same experiences...

[Carolyn Marie]

It's been almost that long for me, Mia.

"Oh, what a long strange trip it's been."

Yes, my mother's closet. My mother was very old fashioned. I remember thinking, as I rummaged

through her things, that I wished she was more fashionable, or that my younger sister

was taller! lol

Information was so hard to come by back then. While a student at UCLA, I spent hours trying to find

books at the university library that would help explain things to me. About all I found were clinical

guides to abnormal psychology and books for doctors about performing SRS, including pictures.

I'm at a good place now. True, I haven't come out to my wife yet, but I'm working towards that.

But I have such a better understanding and acceptance of who I am, and I am at peace with that.

I can't ask for a whole lot more than that.

Except maybe a few more pair of pumps, and a cocktail dress.

Oh, and maybe a stylish suit, and a sweater set, and a cowl neck sweater, and a pencil skirt, and....

Carolyn Marie

[Guest EricaG]

Hi girls,

It has been just over 51 years for me and goodness if I had all the money that I have spent I would be sitting in my ocean front home on Nantucket Sound lounging around in my bikini getting one hell of a sunburn LOL.

The parallels are amazing the more things change the more they stay the same.

I hope everyone is having as nice a day as I am.

Whatever else happens it’s a good day when I am here.

Love & Kisses

Erica

PS Did I mention that my favorite color is lavender?

[/color]

[Carolyn Marie]

PS Did I mention that my favorite color is lavender?

[/color]

I would NEVER have guessed, Erica.

Carolyn

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Well through this 50yr. period I've bought clothes, purged, denied my gifts and always returned always, always, always, to the gift of gender dysphoria.

Oh how the names have changed through out the decades, transvestite, cross dresser etc. drag queen if you want the pejorative from the non gifted community, but the feelings of envelopment and satisfaction with who you are always remain constant.

Thanks Mia,

..sniff..

that was beautiful.

Brenda

[Guest Donna Jean]

Mia...Thanks for this, Honey!

I guess that I'm saying this from the standpoint of an "EX" cross dresser!

Yes, after over 50 years for me, I've given it up! I dress "Gender Appropriately" now...!

Oh, wait.....I still have to dress "Male" on ocassion....Oh, Goody..That means that I'm STILL a cross dresser!

If ya can't beat 'em...join 'em.....LOL!

Seriously, Mia...you put that beautifully....

You really put your heart into that!

Huggs and Love...

Donna Jean

[Guest AllisonD]

I understand all of it, and can remember much of the same, so I guess we all really do have the same story although I think I started earlier than most, except for one little bit.....

WHY do people discard their wardrobe? This I do not understand. You go to so much trouble to assemble the things you like, many apparently at great emotional cost to actually go out and shop, and then throw them away? Is it fear of discovery? No offense, literally please, no hurt intended, but from some of what I have seen it cannot be fashion sense.... And in any event upgrading would be upgrading, not discarding everything.

I think there are things about my own community I will never quite understand....

Allison

[Carolyn Marie]

WHY do people discard their wardrobe? This I do not understand. You go to so much trouble to assemble the things you like, many apparently at great emotional cost to actually go out and shop, and then throw them away? Is it fear of discovery?

Allison

In my case, fear of discovery was exactly the issue. My relationship with my soon-to-be fiancee was getting serious,

and before she spent the night at my place, I felt I couldn't risk her finding a closet full of women's clothes and

lose her. Maybe I wouldn't have, but I wasn't willing to take the chance.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest mia 1]

'AllisonD' I understand all of it, and can remember much of the same, so I guess we all really do have the same story although I think I started earlier than most, except for one little bit.....

WHY do people discard their wardrobe? This I do not understand. You go to so much trouble to assemble the things you like, many apparently at great emotional cost to actually go out and shop, and then throw them away? Is it fear of discovery? No offense, literally please, no hurt intended, but from some of what I have seen it cannot be fashion sense.... And in any event upgrading would be upgrading, not discarding everything.

I think there are things about my own community I will never quite understand....

Allison

Bingo!!!

Fear of discovery is the main reason.

Once I came out to my wife.the thought of "purging" those clothes has disappeared.

You are right acquiring those clothes takes a certain amount of risk and gives a certain amount of emotional adrenaline and the thrill of overcoming fear and a "goal achieved."

So once you are out to those that matter the most, there is no reason to "dump the goods."

Which leads to reason #2. Reason #2 is directly related to reason#1 fear and with this fear comes the emotion of denial..''I really don't need to dress any longer,it was just a 'phase'. And since I didn't get 'caught' I'll throw away these once precious and now meaningless items becaue I'll never wear them again anyway. Whew!"

Complicated but now you see the POV of a C.D.'er and the fear that we live or lived with you may understand the need for "THE PURGE."

Thanks for thinking and caring..

Mia

[Guest AllisonD]

Bingo!!!

Fear of discovery is the main reason.

Once I came out to my wife.the thought of "purging" those clothes has disappeared.

You are right acquiring those clothes takes a certain amount of risk and gives a certain amount of emotional adrenaline and the thrill of overcoming fear and a "goal achieved."

So once you are out to those that matter the most, there is no reason to "dump the goods."

Which leads to reason #2. Reason #2 is directly related to reason#1 fear and with this fear comes the emotion of denial..''I really don't need to dress any longer,it was just a 'phase'. And since I didn't get 'caught' I'll throw away these once precious and now meaningless items becaue I'll never wear them again anyway. Whew!"

Complicated but now you see the POV of a C.D.'er and the fear that we live or lived with you may understand the need for "THE PURGE."

Thanks for thinking and caring..

Mia

Thanks so much. I feel like I have learned so much about my own community since I joined (just 2 months ago!), so much from the postings here, and much more from the PMs I get from so many people, and yet I still get blindsided. You have been wonderful with helping me understand the point of view of the CD person, just as Evan has been about trans men. I have learned so much, and still feel overwhelmed that I know so little sometimes about places on the spectrum that are not all that far away from my own territory on the spectrum...

Allison

[Guest ChloëC]

Let's see, about 1952, maybe earlier, but that sounds about right, so that makes it about, oh, 57 years and counting, since I first 'wore' a dress of sorts. I suppose considering everything, that I probably had desires of it before even then, but I really can't remember.

Yes, the fear of being discovered was always top most on my list of worries. But I'm not sure about the denial reason, that's sort of it. Maybe more of an exclusion or overcoming. A moment when there are new surroundings, new life, the feeling that somehow there was still something wrong with my desires. Sort of like a sickness or injury that I can overcome. I'll hardly ever deny when I'm physically ill or injured, yet, part of getting better is not letting it get the better of you. So why not apply that to these so-called mental problems?

Of course, it doesn't work, but at the last time I actually purged, there was still a lot of debate going on, the internet still didn't exist, and Dr. Benjamin was still pretty much a lone voice in the wilderness.

Now, for me, a number of things changed my mind on all of it, starting with the desires kicking in again, but aided by some books - those semi-biographies I mentioned in another post - formost of which I had forgotten was Nancy Friday's 'Men in Love'. She included chapters on cross-dressing, domination submissive, ts, anatomy envy, and more. That opened my eyes to a lot more degress of what was going on out there. And a number of early interview tv shows appeared (way before Springer), specifically Lou Gordon and his wife, who interviewed very normal and very average appearing post-op women. This took viewing of actual people far beyond the realm of Las Vegas and so-called celebrity (for a moment) changes. About 30 or so years ago, I think?

So, I began to realize there were others out there, but it still has taken a long time to connect. Imagine where we all might be today, if we had the resources and knowledge then. But, that's in the past.

One other thing I haven't really mentioned is that I happen to enjoy writing (anyone guess that? lol); I haven't seen too much of others mentioning it here, but I've probably written probably over 100 'fantasy' stories since at least 1974 (a few I still have), and tho I'm aware of Fictionmania and Nifty, these are really for me. But I have noticed, that I'm increasing the age of the hero/heroine, you know, doing that first rule of writing, write what you know about. Interesting.

Enough for now, I guess. This thread has given me a lot to think about, and I thank all of you for sharing.

[Guest Emily H]

Oh my...that is a wonderful story...

It makes you really reflect on where we have come and gone..fifty years.....wow. good for you.

Here's to the future!

~Andrea

[Guest Margaret]

the old fashioned panty/girdle combo with the hooks that held up the "stockings"

Ah sweet memories. Thats my earliest memory of cross dressing at around the age of 4, trying my mums panty girdle on. I can remember struggling with hooking the stockings up, and also aware of being sure to not get caught. I was always fascinated by stockings, suspenders, and high heels. Growing up at a time where boys/men clothing was dark, drab or formal, I always liked womens clothing as it always seemed to be more bright and colourful. Done the wardrobe dumping thing a couple of times, just sort of fell out of the need to cross dress, but now I'm really into it again, and enjoying it.

Margaret