Talking To Myself

[Guest Emily H]

I feel like I want to crossdress, I want to have that familiar feeling of panties or a skirt, or any femininity, but I just don't' feel the motivation, or worse, don't feel the feeling, the connection, to crossdressing. I see my bras, and so badly want to put one on, but the feeling just doesn't come to actually put it on, to get dressed, to smile and look in the mirror and see Andrea. Sometimes if i just force it, it sticks and feels good, or it doesn't exactly feel right.

god, if only I could choose what I felt. I can just daily see women or girls walking around, think both how good they look, and how good what they are wearing looks. Sometimes I just wish...I could be one or the other. Fully girl, or fully boy. If I could choose, or, had to choose...i really think I would choose fully girl. Because right now, even if I feel so strongly I don't want to crossdress, I don't' want to give up that feminine feeling, the fun, the relaxation, the...freedom.

So perhaps that it, I hate being feminine without actually being female? could that be it? But, why? I don't have a problem with it, at least on my conscious mind. Maybe there is something blocking the feelings of femininity....something blocking the desire or the want...

Fine, are you happy, I'll do it right now, I'll put on that new skirt I wanted to try on. but right now...see, I really, really feel the want, the desire to try it on and let out Andrea. But... Its just not coming so freely, I'm not thinking "Yay, my favorite undies!" Im thinking "Yeah...so I have these...I guess I'm putting them on now..." And yes, I do like saying undies, especially if its in a high-pitched girly voice.

I don't' have them on....I feel sad and lethargic right now, but just before, hours ago, even less than that, I was happy. I'm going to try and put them on, lets see what happens.

wow, wow wow wow, I have them on, the new pink hard cup bra I bought (did I mention how much I love the hard cups?), a cute thong, blue pantyhose, but yuck, I bought them at a dollar store, and they are getting tears in them soo much, maybe I can "borrow" one of mom's pairs . the white top with the sparkly stuff and the butterfly/flower design, and this new skirt that I am already in love with after just a short while with it on. I feel more happy now!

And yet, right now I am forced to stay in my room, with barely any room to move around. i feel like a caged animal, since my mom is still awake. I want to see myself in the mirror...I want to move gracefully through the house, maybe sign or whistle, do some housework, take some photos of myself...No, I don't want that. what i want is to go shopping, to hang with some friends....But, I have no friends... I can't go shopping like this...

I feel as if all of Andrea is suddenly being drained away.

I'm just Steven wearing a skirt and stuff now it seems.....

Now I feel VERY depressed... I need some help...but.....I feel complete lethargy now... Dont' even have the energy to take this stuff off and mope about....my condition...

Why couldn't I have just been born a woman....or into a world where I could be either one when I felt it...

What is wrong with me, why can't I just be myself, I can't just feel happy as Andrea, and as Steven. why Can't Andrea just...come and be happy....She wants to...I want her to...

I want to be her...

If I could just do something magical to change me perfectly into a female...I would do it right now.

But no, I wouldn't. Unless I pressed the button or swallowed the pill or said the magic words in an instant, all my feelings of being a guy, all of the connections and friends, family....and myself...would just be broken..... If I can't bring myself to crossdress, how would I bring myself to just have this, magical, instant transition?

I badly need therapy or whatever....I need Answers......but I don't know who will give them, and how I find the person who can give them...

I guess I'm okay just wearing stupid guy clothes..... I have so many guy hobbies and guy interests...why do I feel so badly like I want to be a girl then...

You know, after I moved a tiny bit, felt the hose rubbing against my legs... looked down, saw my 'breasts' as I slowly inhaled and exhaled, saw this nice skirt and my nylon covered legs....I don't want to take any of this off.

I stand up and..see my feet. I wish I had a pair of heels. i take a couple steps, am gently reminded of the thong...

I wish I could go around the house and be happy again.

I need a wig, and a mirror, and some makeup, I need to look feminine, I need to see that.....

I want it to feel more real.

Either way, this stuff isn't coming off. I'm going to keep these clothes on. it feels good. But...still, so many questions left unanswered, and still...

So many left un-asked.

~Andrea

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Andrea Hon,

It is time to make a forward step. You are feeling this way because you feel stuck and are not making progress. It is time for your to see a gender therapist.

Love you

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Andrea, I really agree with Bernie on this. It sounds like you are very conflicted about your feelings, much

as I am. I can tell you from personal experience that therapy with an experienced gender specialist is

extremely helpful and rewarding. It really is the only way to get to the bottom of your feelings.

One caution though, a resolution to your conflict won't necessarily come quickly. You need to have patience

and let things work out at their own pace.

The first step on your journey is often the toughest. But still you need to put that foot forward and take that

first step if you are every to get to the end.

I wish you luck.

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

The ladies are right and I just want to add one thought for everone.

Don't think that because someone was born in matching sex and gender that their lives are perfect - they aren't they have troubles too.

So feeling good in a dress or not has little to do with your dysphoria, just your mood.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jean Davis]

Dear Andrea

I couldn't agree more with the rest of the ladies.

And who said you have to give up your guy intrests and hobbies.

I plan on keeping most of mine.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I feel like I want to crossdress, I want to have that familiar feeling of panties or a skirt, or any femininity, but I just don't' feel the motivation, or worse, don't feel the feeling, the connection, to crossdressing. I see my bras, and so badly want to put one on, but the feeling just doesn't come to actually put it on, to get dressed, to smile and look in the mirror and see Andrea. Sometimes if i just force it, it sticks and feels good, or it doesn't exactly feel right.

god, if only I could choose what I felt. I can just daily see women or girls walking around, think both how good they look, and how good what they are wearing looks. Sometimes I just wish...I could be one or the other. Fully girl, or fully boy. If I could choose, or, had to choose...i really think I would choose fully girl. Because right now, even if I feel so strongly I don't want to crossdress, I don't' want to give up that feminine feeling, the fun, the relaxation, the...freedom.

So perhaps that it, I hate being feminine without actually being female? could that be it? But, why? I don't have a problem with it, at least on my conscious mind. Maybe there is something blocking the feelings of femininity....something blocking the desire or the want...

Fine, are you happy, I'll do it right now, I'll put on that new skirt I wanted to try on. but right now...see, I really, really feel the want, the desire to try it on and let out Andrea. But... Its just not coming so freely, I'm not thinking "Yay, my favorite undies!" Im thinking "Yeah...so I have these...I guess I'm putting them on now..." And yes, I do like saying undies, especially if its in a high-pitched girly voice.

I don't' have them on....I feel sad and lethargic right now, but just before, hours ago, even less than that, I was happy. I'm going to try and put them on, lets see what happens.

wow, wow wow wow, I have them on, the new pink hard cup bra I bought (did I mention how much I love the hard cups?), a cute thong, blue pantyhose, but yuck, I bought them at a dollar store, and they are getting tears in them soo much, maybe I can "borrow" one of mom's pairs . the white top with the sparkly stuff and the butterfly/flower design, and this new skirt that I am already in love with after just a short while with it on. I feel more happy now!

And yet, right now I am forced to stay in my room, with barely any room to move around. i feel like a caged animal, since my mom is still awake. I want to see myself in the mirror...I want to move gracefully through the house, maybe sign or whistle, do some housework, take some photos of myself...No, I don't want that. what i want is to go shopping, to hang with some friends....But, I have no friends... I can't go shopping like this...

I feel as if all of Andrea is suddenly being drained away.

I'm just Steven wearing a skirt and stuff now it seems.....

Now I feel VERY depressed... I need some help...but.....I feel complete lethargy now... Dont' even have the energy to take this stuff off and mope about....my condition...

Why couldn't I have just been born a woman....or into a world where I could be either one when I felt it...

What is wrong with me, why can't I just be myself, I can't just feel happy as Andrea, and as Steven. why Can't Andrea just...come and be happy....She wants to...I want her to...

I want to be her...

If I could just do something magical to change me perfectly into a female...I would do it right now.

But no, I wouldn't. Unless I pressed the button or swallowed the pill or said the magic words in an instant, all my feelings of being a guy, all of the connections and friends, family....and myself...would just be broken..... If I can't bring myself to crossdress, how would I bring myself to just have this, magical, instant transition?

I badly need therapy or whatever....I need Answers......but I don't know who will give them, and how I find the person who can give them...

I guess I'm okay just wearing stupid guy clothes..... I have so many guy hobbies and guy interests...why do I feel so badly like I want to be a girl then...

You know, after I moved a tiny bit, felt the hose rubbing against my legs... looked down, saw my 'breasts' as I slowly inhaled and exhaled, saw this nice skirt and my nylon covered legs....I don't want to take any of this off.

I stand up and..see my feet. I wish I had a pair of heels. i take a couple steps, am gently reminded of the thong...

I wish I could go around the house and be happy again.

I need a wig, and a mirror, and some makeup, I need to look feminine, I need to see that.....

I want it to feel more real.

Either way, this stuff isn't coming off. I'm going to keep these clothes on. it feels good. But...still, so many questions left unanswered, and still...

So many left un-asked.

~Andrea

Andrea, I thing one of the best things you could do for yourself is to find your way to a counselor, specifically a gender counselor if you have one in your town. I can echo some of the sentiments that you are expressing and for me the act of cross dressing brought no satisfaction but did open the flood gate to a much more serious underlying issue.

I sense there is more to this than, maybe, you realize. I am not qualified to make a diagnosis but from purely a big sis stand point there is no way your situation is a good one. Unfortunately where I see you headed (its only a gut feeling) is going to create more issues but it will also solve many of them. Transition is not for the faint of heart, the road fixes things for us but can also be a destroyer along the way; it is something that we all need to learn to live with. It is also why so many of the message start with or have YMMV (your milage may vary) in them. We dont know how things will react with you so we have to remind you that our experience may not match yours.

Just remember no matter what direction you end up going in your still have your family here at Laura's to help you along and bouy you up when all seems lost.

[Guest Emily H]

I think you are all correct, but where do i start? My mom hasn't gotten back to me on the names she was supposed to get... And we don't' have the money for anything like this...

By the way, i feel really great today, all dressed in what I was wearing last night, got some makeup on too, nothing major. My stupid camera won't work, batteries don't have enough charge :/.

~Andrea

PS. Is there a way to change my display name?

[Guest Donna Jean]

~Andrea

PS. Is there a way to change my display name?

Hey, Honey...PM me with what you want to do and we'll get you all fixed up.....OK?

HUGG

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

Andrea,

I posted a little earlier in another thread, that I was a little unsure of therapy, but I think that's a result of the era I came out of. Back when I was younger and wanting so badly to go beyond my room (I remember sneaking at times into the upstairs hallway dressed, terrified that someone would find me out), I know I was frustrated about the whole thing.

You have available to you what might have been available to me, but there would have been no way I ever could have found it. I had no one to talk to, no internet forums, a very old family doctor that was still living in the 30's and 40's and was on a much better relationship with my parents. I couldn't even ask someone for directions to some place that would listen.

I have to agree that you need to talk to a professional. I survived but I think I would have been better off if I did not have to 'tough' it out. (and that time included two years of basic training, tech school, and my first assignment where I had to put absolutely everything on hold, but once that was over, I was back to my cherished moments.)

You have so many more resources available to you then I ever had, including all the supportive people here, and depending where you live, even some low cost or free clinics possibly. It might give you the help you need to get over the low points.

Take care and lots of hugs.

[Guest AllisonD]

Andrea

I know you have identified as a cross dresser, and so I am a little out of my area here,

and so many have already told you to see a therapist, so maybe that is what you should do,

but if I may have a thought here....

It sounds familiar to me. You talk about the things you like, and that even though you know you like them you are not all that enthusiastic about enjoying them. And yet if you push yourself to do what you know you will like the enthusiasm can return, but might not. And there is the telling bit about even dressed, if you are limited to staying in your room you do not find it as rewarding as you know it could be.

I wonder if it isn't being dressed, or perhaps just being dressed, that is motivating you. I have to wonder if what you are really saying is that you have a need to relate as a girl, and that simply dressing as one isn't doing it for you. If this is true, and you are realizing that this is true, even if not in so many words, then perhaps knowing that you cannot relate with others the way you want makes dressing just seem not all that worthwhile, 'cause it isn't, in fact, what you are really after to satisfy the need that is driving you.

All conjecture on my part, of course. But I suggest you listen to your heart and ask it, "If I can dress as a girl, and then relate to others as a girl, would I be happier?" If you listen, and your heart says, "yes", then I would suggest you need to socialize with others, dressed as a girl. There are ways to do that, if you want to explore them.

Allison

[Guest Emily H]

I want therapy, I need help, but its all completely new to me...How do I ask for it, where do I go....do I just say, Mom I need a gender therapist things are really hard on me I need to see a professional about this?

~Andrea

[Carolyn Marie]

Andrea, for starters, you can check this resource page to see if Laura has information on a G.T. in your area:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Be honest with your mother about why you want to see a G.T. You certainly don't have to tell her everything

that you've said in your posts, but do explain that you have conflicting feelings about your gender and

want to get them resolved so you understand yourself better. Tell her that you hope it will make you

happier and more at peace with yourself, which is all true of course. If she wants you to be happy,

then hopefully she will agree.

If your town or City doesn't have a G.T. on this list, try Googling gender therapists in ______ town. If that

fails, try the county or state association of psychologists for a list. They probably have one on-line.

Good luck, Honey.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest mia 1]

Yes Andrea just tell your mom unconditional love is there and she is one of those special parents that not only loves you but understands your needs.....we are with you all the way..Mia