So I Talked To My Wife

[Guest Heather H]

(Quick recap - My wife knows I cross-dress, but for the last six months or so, I've been feeling that its not enough, and that I want to be Heather all the time. My doc has referred me to a specialist, and I have an appointment in a couple of weeks time.)

So, I talked to my wife about my appointment last night, and it kinda went okay, and kinda not. She said that she was willing to support me through the decision making process, but that if I did decide that I really do want to transition, then she doesn't think she could make the necessary changes in her life that would allow us to remain together as a couple.

Now I'm really unsure about what to do next - On the one hand, I do feel that, if I were single, it wouldn't be an issue, and I'd go for transition tomorrow. But on the other hand, I really love my wife, and I don't know if I can stand the thought of losing her, and the hurt that it was cause her too for us to break up.

What do I do now?

[Guest Emily H]

(Quick recap - My wife knows I cross-dress, but for the last six months or so, I've been feeling that its not enough, and that I want to be Heather all the time. My doc has referred me to a specialist, and I have an appointment in a couple of weeks time.)

So, I talked to my wife about my appointment last night, and it kinda went okay, and kinda not. She said that she was willing to support me through the decision making process, but that if I did decide that I really do want to transition, then she doesn't think she could make the necessary changes in her life that would allow us to remain together as a couple.

Now I'm really unsure about what to do next - On the one hand, I do feel that, if I were single, it wouldn't be an issue, and I'd go for transition tomorrow. But on the other hand, I really love my wife, and I don't know if I can stand the thought of losing her, and the hurt that it was cause her too for us to break up.

What do I do now?

Unfortunately, it sounds to me like her only problem is that, you not being a man. That's what she's after, that's who she thought she was marrying.

I think her completely leaving you would be a very drastic step on her part. You might want to ask her why she would leave you, ask her to be specific about it. I think that would be the best way to go for now.

~Andrea

[Carolyn Marie]

Heather, I think you should just take it one step at a time.

Go ahead and keep your appointment. That's really important. It will likely take weeks before you know

for sure whether transition is right for you. If so, at least you will have the support and guidance of the G.T.

to help you and your wife work out the options and explain the process to both of you in detail.

That will at least buy time for you, and allow your wife to let the possibilities sink in. Perhaps she will come

to realize that you are more than just the sum of your parts, or certain parts, and that keeping together is

worth what it will cost. Or perhaps not, but it isn't a decision either of you has to make right now.

Keep her involved in the process. Let her know what progress you're making. At the appropriate time,

your G.T. will likely invite her to a session or two to explain things to her. Being fully informed will at

least make her decision making process better.

As my therapist has said, transition usually, although not always, involves loss of some kind. You may

have to face that decision, but it need not be right now.

Best of luck to you on your patch forward.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Unfortunately, it sounds to me like her only problem is that, you not being a man. That's what she's after, that's who she thought she was marrying.

I think her completely leaving you would be a very drastic step on her part. You might want to ask her why she would leave you, ask her to be specific about it. I think that would be the best way to go for now.

~Andrea

Andrea, I went throught this several months ago, I had reached the point where not transitioning was not an option. The reasons that SO's will leave are miriad and seem to vary from SO to SO. However the common one seems to be that they dont see themselves as lesbian (fair enough) and dont want that kind of relationship with a woman.

Things are more than likely to go badly, rare is the one that doesnt. You cant stress to her enough that you love her, even though she is likely to take everything that is said and throw it all back at you with a vehemence and anger that only a scorned woman can muster.

If she doesnt immediately toss you out or leave herself, then there is a chance of salvaging something from it but it is going to take lots of time, space and patience; for example I was diagnosed in April and it took my SO 4 months to come to some form of acceptance (even that is fast by some standards). The marriage cannot be saved but we get along well as housemates and girlfriends. I havent insisted on sleeping with her, I have my own room and my own space.

the folks here are wonderful at keepinng you on the tracks or laying new ones for you if it seems like yours have gone in a thousand different directions. I dont know how many times they have helped me out.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Heather....

Honey.....

Staying together during and after transition is one of the terrible things that we face ....

The general rule of thumb is that "The longer together, the better the chances...."

My wife and I have 30 years in.....

We plan on staying together.....

It happens with relationships that are nowhere near that long, too.

Strength of a relationship is paramount ... in getting through this and remaining a couple..

This is a very heavy burden to lay on a partner....

But, If you do indeed need to transition, and don't to save the relation ship....it will be back.

If you are truly Transsexual...you can't just turn it off...that is what causes so much pain in our ranks...trying to control it.

This is very hard, Sweetheart......I wish you all of the luck that I can send you......

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

OK Heather (HUGS)

You and your wife are jumping a little far right at the moment. You both need to slow down right now. Keep your appointment and see how that goes. I personally think it is premature right now to consider what would happen with the relationship if you follow through with transitioning. Transitioning is a very long process over time. Your marriage will evolve as you and your wife evolve around transitioning.

One step at a time hon. See your therapist.

HUGS

Brenda

Here is a link that I hope will help the both of you

http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf

[Guest Heather H]

Thanks for all the comments, and good wishes, and thanks for the link, Bernii.

I know that I am getting ahead of myself a bit, and I know that transitioning is not something that's going to happen overnight, or maybe won't even happen at all. And I know that the conversation I had with my wife could have gone a lot worse - she didn't just leave, or kick me out, which is great. And know that I know she knows what's going through my mind at the moment, its actually a bit of a relief.

We'll both take things slow, and I'll try to keep her involved and informed about all that's going on. And Joanna, I have been stressing how much I still love her, and how that this is not in any way 'her fault' or down to something we have done, or didn't do, together. And I think that she understands that. So while she did say that she didn't think we could stay together if it did come down to me transitioning, I don't think the relationship is entirely a lost cause right now.

I'll certainly have more questions to ask, both before my appointment and after, so I'd like to say thanks again for the support. You folks are all great.

[Guest mia 1]

It's so hard for our spouses to understand the dilema...The person they married fit so well into their plans..aftre I outed myself to my wife..actually months later we ahd an conversation about how she wanted to lead a "happy, normal life" and couldn't get over the fact that I loved to dress and be in touch with my feminine self.

It hasn't destroyed our marraige but there is any area she won't go..i have no plans to transiton so that is not the problem...the problem is she won't share in my joys..my therapist told me that others including spouses don't like sharing in those 'private' sections of other people's lives..

My life is fine and I sahre my times here at Laura's but it would be wonderful if I could share these times with my lovin' wife.....

So Heather, tread lightly and think your thoughts through...

[Guest rachael1]

Good luck with whatever you eventually decide to do Heather.

I am out to my wife but she also has said that if i ever transition she would leave me as she can't/won't identify as a lesbian.

I have no plans in doing so, however this definately has been a major influence in my decision as I love her dearly.

It sounds like you are in a similar situation and at the end of the day you will have to decide which path to travel.

As the other girls have said don't rush things and wait to see where it all leads.

Hugs

Rachael