Introduction And Questions About Mtf ( Also Desiring Others Opinions )

[Guest Kitten]

I feel personally that to get any acceptable responses from others that I should tell you basically my life story. I'll start with my birth. I was born to two biological parents who were hooked on drugs, screwed up beyond belief, and were not thinking about anyone but themselves. Whether my biological mother had me out of ignorance, by accident, or as some ploy to try and keep my biological father with her, I don't know. All I know is I was abandoned when I was born and I was lucky enough to be adopted by my two loving grandparents.

All through life I've never considered myself to be the norm. In school I was relentlessly picked up, beat up, and never had any friends; I didn't even fit in with the freaks and geeks and the other outcasts. I learned very early on what it meant to be alone and although it was tough, rather than breaking down, I figured out how to deal with it. Through elementary school I was really affected by it. When someone picked on me or beat me up, I usually cried. Then through the years I started to shut in, all through this time I had the added problem of my biological father ( who unlike my biological mother, did not vanish when they abandoned me ) he stayed around as an endless source of pain. He continued to hurt me, dissapoint me, and treat me badly. I vividly remember the love that I had for him when I was little, he would call and promise that he was comming to pick me up and I would wait outside for hours and hours; all day.. Only to get the call later that day that he was "busy" ( Doing drugs ) and those nights were usually spent crying, wondering what was wrong with me. Why did everyone hate me? It always felt like no one but my grandparents wanted me.

Eventually when I got into middle school I came to the realization that nothing was ever going to be right for me. A new place, new kids, and they still picked on me and treated me horribly. So upon accepting that, I began to totally shut myself in. I learned how to turn off my emotions, I learned how to totally disconnect myself from the world, and how to flood my mind with anger so that I was unapproachable even to pick on.. Well, so I thought.

Even in highschool I regularly got death threats from kids and was routinely picked on, but less reactive to it since I failed to show any emotion. Then I made what possibly was the worst mistake of my life ( This after countless dissapointments and times being hurt by him, he even stole from my parents ( my grandparents are who I consider my mother and father, that is how I refer to them. My biologicals are just that, biologicals. ) one of the things I was finally unable to forigve ) but I moved in with him and went to Florida to try and live with him, hoping to have a regular and good relationship with my biological father. Of course things went down hill from there. The kids at the highschool I went to ( Osceola ) were horrible to me, by this point I wasn't at all normal. I had stopped being happy all together, I hated everything whether I was at school or not and felt an intense dislike for these people. Riding home from school I was even assaulted on my bike by school kids who thought it would be funny to throw a rock at my head from their pickup. Back at home my biological father became worse and worse, anything I did wrong resulted in him screaming at me and eventually taking me out back to scream at me, degrade me, and insult me.. All the while pushing and beating me around the yard. I was on the brink of suicide by this point and still have scars from all the times I cut myself trying to relieve the mental anguish. Regularly I would grind my nails into my skin until I began to bleed and had dug the skin raw. Then after a year of that, I finally managed to get back to my grandparents.. Only he followed. My grandparents allowed him to move in with us ( This was the second time they did, the first was when I mentioned that he stole from them. Something I blame myself for because as young as I was, they gave me the decision of whether I wanted him there or not. ) and he continued to act as he had been. I'm not sure why my grandmother never stepped in or did anything, but I know she didn't approve of what he was doing. Now she speaks with disgust when we discuss him, that she couldn't believe how ignorant he was. He continued to beat me around ( All the while I'm dealing with my peers at school tormenting me and various stresses of my life ) until the day came that I finally snapped.

He would regularly call me out and say "Well then lets go outside" ( in other words, lets fight ) fully knowing that I was a non violent passifist, but that day I said "Yes, lets." and followed him outside. Rather than attack him as he wanted, when he started to push me I figured to just test something, a hunch I had. I jumped at him as if I were going to hit him and he jumped back and flinched rather openly, I just smirked and said "I had surmised as much." and turned to walk in. As soon as my back was to him he began to hit me in the back and the back of the head ( Full blown punches ), so I huddled up trying to stay calm and take it, and pressed against the storm door. Something inside me was growing, though. I hadn't ever felt it to such intensity before this point and when he continued, I snapped. I screamed at the top of my lungs in rage, something inside me had EXPLODED and filled me with so much anger that I couldn't think straight, I lunged at him, and punched him so hard in the jaw that he literally was knocked back into the garage door and the door itself was broken. ( The lock smashed through the wood and the door was literally forced open as if someone had kicked it in. ) It was the first time I ever struck anyone, but not the last.

After that point I made an effort to cut ties with him, everything that I once felt for him died. Nothing but the purest forms of overflowing hatred, rage, and anger remained. He was told that he was not to so much as address me any longer, it was over. He would not do this any longer because I wanted him out of my life period. I wanted worse, worse than death for him and I still do. Time went on and eventually he pulled the same thing and the last time he did it was a night that he was having a 'bad day' and he came in, demanded the phone from me, threatened me when I looked at him, so I simply dropped the phone onto the ground and stood up to go into my room. ( hopefully defusing the situation ) to no avail, however. With my back turned ( He seems to have a problem attacking anyone head on, a bit of a coward I would gather. ) he grabbed me by the hair and tried to throw me up over a table. With me pinned against the table, he began to bludgeon me in the back of the head with the phone and finally I snapped again. This time, it was worse than before. At that moment, I'm not sure what happened. Everything changed, everything got slower, everything but me seemed to move in slow motion. I wasn't thinking for myself, but my body moved on it's own. My foot came down into his, stomping his toes. He backed up trying to get away and I threw a punch over my shoulder, smacking him square in the nose, and the second that he let me loose I turned and grabbed him. It was like he was a child. A fully grown man and my strength was so far above his that he couldn't do anything but struggle in vain. I took him down, knocked him to his knee's, and held him to the ground.. And this was where I really got scared. When I spoke, I spoke in two voices. Not one, but two. Literally. One was overlapping my own and was growling, filled with rage and hatred, while my own seemed to be overtaken by that one. I told him in that voice with my hand to his throat, my fingers digging and prepared to kill him. ( I almost did ) "IF you EVER touch me again, I will rip your throat out with my bare hands and kill you myself." ( I had somehow managed to get a little control back over myself at this point. Probably from the shock of nearly killing someone. ) and spit in his face before standing and walking away. This was the last time that he actually attacked me, although he would make many problems in the future ( Including calling the police on me for no reason and claiming that he didn't call, but it was me. Basically to get me in trouble with them. ) and finally he just drifted out of my life for good ( thankfully, because if he ever attacked me again; I was going to kill him. Not out of choice, but out of anger. ) but my hardships and my families hardships didn't stop there.

In July of 06 my father ( grandfather, the man that raised me. ) past away of sudden heart failure. I blame myself personally because I somehow felt that it was going to happen ( I seem to have a sixth sense ) and said nothing.. For the next three days after my mother told me, I lied to myself and told myself he wasn't dead and totally shut down. No emotion, no feeling, not even inside. I couldn't sleep, couldn't cry, couldn't do anything. I was a wreck.. And then when we went to the viewing and I saw his body in the casket, I came so close to insanity that all I needed was a little push and my mind would of broken. I screamed at the top of my lungs ( in the viewing hall ) in rage, sorrow, anger, every single emotion you could think of were so intense it was like those explosions of rage, but worse. Solid around my body like an aura. I ran outside and put a twelve inch hole in the earth, unable to control myself. At his funeral, I somehow managed to work up the strength to say a few words about him ( my mother was amazed ) and honored his memory in my own way..

Through the past year since July 06 my mother and I have been going day by day. ( We barely make bills ) my mother doesn't work and is nearly 63, I am 20 and don't have a job currently ( personal reasons ) - Life never seems to stop throwing hardballs at us. Recently I finally after years of pain with the problem ( Since I was 10 about ) came out to my mother and told her that I wasn't a male. ( As hard as it is for some to grasp, I'm a female in a mans body. ) and she.. Amazingly accepted it as did my family, it's the one thing that I seem to have that I can count on. My family not turning their backs on me and understanding.. I struggled and for three months planned and clawed at a way to make the initial $57.00 to afford my first bit of HRT ( Hormone Replacement Therapy ), I recently made enough ( Only $107.00 ) to afford four months of therapy. ( Although we don't have the money and can't afford to even see a normal doctor, so a doctor like this is out of the question. I'm self medicating and doing it my own way because I can't stand being the way I am any longer. ) - I'm not sure how we're going to make it.. But my mother has promised to help me ( She probably can't afford it but is going to give me the money anyway ) to continue the therapy so that in the upcomming months I can finally get a job and pay for them myself. ( The rest of my money will be given to my mother. ) This is my life. It's definitely not perfect, I hate a lot of things, I've got so much anger and rage in me that I don't know what to do with it. I just felt like telling my story and seeing what feedback I got ( if any ) or thoughts of others.

At current, things aren't looking very good. The more I think about it, the more I worry. I'm not sure if I'll end up acceptable to begin with, I'm not even sure I can afford to stay on HRT, I know I can't ever afford any surgery with the way things are and have always been, and it's almost a total no to the question "Will I ever be able to afford electrolisys?"

I finally got so sick of this that I started the HRT because I couldn't keep living without doing anything. I'm not sure if this is going to be enough, though. And I keep worrying that if it doesn't do enough to even make me happy with myself, well.. Thats it for me.

So...

The question is. This is me,

I'm pretty big, but I'm relatively slim. I train every day for about an hour and I'm training in Martial Arts.

And all of that said..

Does anyone here think that HRT is going to make me passable in any manner? Do you think I should hold any hope or do you think that I should go with what I've believed for the majority of my life, "Hope is for the hopeless."?

Looking forward to hearing responses even if they're not good, thanks. ( And if anyone is wondering, I've been on Estrofem and Sprion for about a week now. )

[Petra Jane]

Hi Kitten, wow, well, welcome to the forums, BUT and you aren't going to like this bit, we cannot advise nor endorse your taking un-prescribed drugs/hormones whatever.

This is DANGEROUS! I'll freely admit I do not understand the American medical system but you do need to see a doctor before taking drugs of this type!

No one here is allowed to give advice on drugs, dosage etc, it is illegal for us to do so.

Other than that though, welcome to the forums.

[Guest Bethany]

ok I'll share my thoughts. Hrt is only a single part of the whole trip. No one can tell you if Hrt is right for you or if it is wrong. Passing can come from the inside as much as the outside. Do not accept anyones opinion when it comes to Hrt You must Know for you're self, anyone elses adivice would come from their own bias. There is also the fact that any path you take you will need faith to go along with it, which is another thing you must find for yourself. With all the dangers involved you must determine your own risk to reward ratio. and all this before you seek the meds.

Oh an hi Kitten, its nice to meet you

Bethanny

[Guest AlexJ]

Those moves are pretty cool

Hi, Kitten

I can't really answer questions about mtf transition, but you look feminine the way you stand in the last pic and have a 'soft' face.

You should listen to Petra Jane though about the drugs. It's not going to happen overnight, be patient and get the right help.

Your life story was interesting, it made me so sad that your father wasn't stopped by anyone during his abuse of you.

Anyone who's been abused to breaking point will relate to the feeling of wanting to kill someone, that's a natural reaction.

It's only the fact that you're a 100 times better person than him that you didn't do it.

You seem to be very resilient though and you will come to terms with your childhood over time.

Having a lonely childhood doesn't necessarily mean you'll be a lonely adult.

It will probably take a while for you to drop your defences, but remember there are people out there who are your future friends.

It's what the internet is for

Well that and pron lol

Regards

AJ

[Guest kunoichigoddess]

ok well i have two things to say about your story, well 3 1 of those being omg your dads a total @$$ sorry for mentioning him

another being i think you look very girly if you we're to show a smile you'd be amazed with how much better it makes you look

and the third >.> i ended up having to block my emotions too, to the point where theyve died altogether, do you think that you could tell me a way to help revive them, ive lost the capability to cry and like you said the only emotion i ever feel is anger

[Guest Kitten]

Couple of things here.. One is, I've already started HRT. I've been on it for almost a week now and I'm hoping to have considerable changes from it. My question wasn't about dosage or the drugs themselves, I've been ordering from **************** to be honest and that was suggested to me by another woman in transition that has had excellent results with HRT.

I also cannot afford to see a doctor, we can't even afford for me to get sick. Period. I haven't been to a doctor in years simply because we don't have the money. We don't have the money for anything. I sold my art to afford the first two months of HRT treatment and it's all I can do, I'm taking the dosage that most trans-women start on.. So far, nothing bad. They said in rare cases some problems will arise, but I have a strong body and as I said before. It was this or I'm going to kill myself. I just can't stand it anymore.

My question was more along the lines of "Do you think HRT is going to make me passable in looks? Or should I abandon all hope right here and now and just prepare for what may be the inevitable?"

[Guest Sophie Jean]

Hi Kitten,

HRT will feminize your body, but the effects vary from person to person. And the effects of unmonitored HRT can be lethal. A thromboembolism or heart attack can take down the strongest man or woman or even cripple them for life. I think you want to live. You have struggled against the bullies, and that man who claimed to be your father, but it sounds to me if you are still nursing the hurt and feeding the anger.

You want to feminize yourself before you get a job, but I'm not sure that you realize that feminizing yourself could prevent you from getting that job. I understand you are suffering tremendous pain. If you can scrape together 40 dollars, I am sure you can find a gender-specializing counselor that can help you with not only your desire to become a complete woman as safely as possible, but how to negotiate life, and land a job as well.

You are a woman on the inside first, and to be the best possible woman you can be, you must work from the inside-out. Please consider it. You yourself said you would rather be a woman than die; that means taking the safest approach possible instead of risking it all in a gamble.

Passing, as any member here will tell you, is more about attitude than presentation. I have been passing for several months now and am not yet on HRT, though I expect to start soon; I just wear a skirt and a smile.

You have a lot of courage and pinache. You can do it.

We are hear with you,

- Sophie Jean

[Guest Kitten]

Well, I looked at my calandar and I've been on HRT for ten days with no sign of anything wrong. I've also heard that typically these 'dangers' are rare and if they do come, you will probably feel them ahead of time. As for the risk? I've considered that. And others need to consider this, I'm going to die one way or another. This may prolong my life if anything, if I don't.. Well, then.

As for finding a gender specialist? Not going to happen. I live in one of the worst cities in the world and have no way of getting to any place that could offer me a specialist. I live in Memphis, TN. Like I said, I also lack the funds.. So I'm stuck doing it this way or no way.

[MaryEllen]

Ten days is hardly long enough for any effects to show. You are playing with dynamite on a short fuse, my friend. What you are doing is foolhardy. You are risking stroke, thrombosis, heart attack, liver disease, death. Is that what you want.? I think not. These conditions will hit you like a ton of bricks with little or no warning. Better think this over. You're gambling with your life.

MaryEllen

[Guest Kitten]

So be it, then.

I've still yet to get an answer on the question I actually asked.

[Guest Kitten]

I've spoken with my mother just now and if it makes any of you feel any better, we're going to spend money we don't have ( Because I lack insurance as well ) to go to see a doctor, get a checkup, and talk to them about the drugs I am on.

I would still like responses to the question asked, however.

[MaryEllen]

HRT will soften your features and redistribute body fat but it won't turn you into Miss America. From looking at your pictures, I'd say you already have a femminine look. I don't think you'll have a problem passing.

MaryEllen

[Guest Madison_Always]

welcome kitty if i may call u that hormones as u probably have guessed r like playing w/ fire but seeing ur situation just be very careful and im glad ur gonna see a doctor oh and as for feminization itll redistribute fat make skin softer hair finer and cause some breast development how much depends on the person and agood website to check out is secondtype.com best wishes

-melanie

[Guest Kitten]

HRT will soften your features and redistribute body fat but it won't turn you into Miss America. From looking at your pictures, I'd say you already have a femminine look. I don't think you'll have a problem passing.

MaryEllen

I apologize by the way, I was not.. Snapping at you as I gather I probably seemed. I have never been the type of person to follow the crowd and my way has always been a very straight forward approach, my favorite saying has typically been "I break things, things don't break me" with a very "Extreme Unbreakable Body" type of mentality.

It's been the same basic way all my life. When I started my training ( I train Shaolin and Ninjutsu ) people told me 'take it slow or you'll hurt yourself' what did I do? I spent day after day slamming into the ground because I couldn't land a move or a flip right, injured my muscles, etc and just kept going because I don't like to stop short of what I want.

This is the first thing in years that I've been optimistic about and I'm not going to give it up. Like I said, we'll be spending money we don't have because I lack insurance to go to see a doctor for a checkup and to discuss the medication I'm taking, but aside from that.. I'm going to keep going. I'm taking safe dosages and as far as I'm concerned, even if I saw a doctor what could go wrong will go wrong if it is.

You have to understand, I've lived for years and years with nothing but hatred and rage to fuel me. I don't know halfway, it's one extreme or the other. I'm socially inept and I realize it, I lack the ability to speak to others without often seeming threatening or angry, especially over forums.. When in fact, I am not.

What I've tried to express to everyone is basically, I'm so desperate now that if I don't keep this up, I'm going to die anyway. We're poor, literally live in 'the ghetto', this is all I have to choose from. It's this or I just can't handle life any longer. It's gotten too painful and too hard to keep it all in.

[Guest Sakura_Stingray]

i can say one thing for sure.....you have long hair.....how did you grow long hair? i cant get my hair to grow longer than the beetles hair style =*(

[Guest Sakura_Stingray]

i knew your moves reminded me of the anime naruto and the movie crouching tiger hidden dragon.....i love the combination....but you should add kenpo for an acrobatic touch

[MaryEllen]

I know it seems like we are coming down hard on you but whenever someone says they are self medicating, we tend to go into ballistic mode. Believe it or not, we do have a genuine concern for the health and well being of our members and now that you're a member, that includes you. I'm glad to hear that you are going to see a doctor. He'll give you a thorough physical along with bloodwork to see if you are physically able to take the regimen you are on. A dosage that is safe for one person can be deadly to another. Don't be surprised if he also insists that you take counseling from a gender trained therapist. You've obviously had a very hard life. More than what most of us have gone through. Keep your head up and keep going. If this is something you want badly enough, you'll make it. Just don't kill yourself doing it.

MaryEllen

[Guest Kitten]

Well, I doubt he's going to tell that. ( I'm taking the general dosage most trans-women take ) as for my hair..

I haven't had a haircut in three years, that may contribute to some of it. Heh..

I don't want to be 'Miss America', I'm not expecting that. I want to be passable as a woman and attractive on some scale at least.

[MaryEllen]

I don't want to be 'Miss America', I'm not expecting that. I want to be passable as a woman and attractive on some scale at least.

Your facial features are quite femminine. You are passable.

[Guest Kitten]

And like I said, I'd also prefer not to be the scourge of the Earth and frighten small children with my horrifying features. Y'know..

This I just took a couple of moments ago. ( It's a rainy day so I haven't bothered to brush my hair or anything. ) kinda scary, huh?

[Guest Sophie Jean]

And like I said, I'd also prefer not to be the scourge of the Earth and frighten small children with my horrifying features. Y'know..

This I just took a couple of moments ago. ( It's a rainy day so I haven't bothered to brush my hair or anything. ) kinda scary, huh?

Not at all...except for the scowl. A smile would make you look oh so feminine

[MaryEllen]

You're being way too hard on yourself. Your features are very femminine. You look like a girl. Sophie Jean is right, a smile would go a long way in improving your image.

MaryEllen

[princecharmless]

Hi, you look very much like a girl I went to school with. I'd say you pass

[Guest Madison_Always]

Hi, you look very much like a girl I went to school with. I'd say you pass

ditto

[Guest angie]

Hey Miss Kitten,

While i didn't have parents that were druggies or abandon me.

I was very physically mentaly and emotionally abused.

At sixteen,i too had had enough.

My Dad grabbed me by the throat and threatened to (kill)me.

And i snapped,grabbing him by the throat in turn.

I drew back to pound him...Then i thought of my Mother.

It was the last time my Father ever hit me.

After a lifetime...Too long in coming...But atleast he did stop.

Dear,take transition real slow...Take baby steps.

Plan where you are going and how to get there.

A nice slow transition will give the mind and body time to meld.

Start buying your wardrobe...Dress at home with the support of your Momma.

Practice applying your makeup and get used to wearing it...That takes time and practice trust me.

Take tips on womanly behavior from her too...I'm sure she's got plenty to pass on.

Buy a human hair wig(very realistic)Paula Young sells them the cheapest.

Practice wearing it around the house until it becomes apart of you.

Above all...SLOW DOWN YOUNG WOMAN SLOW DOWN.

Remember Baby Steps Itty Bitty Baby Steps...They All Count.

And Will Get You Where You Want To Go As A Much More Complete Woman...TRUTH.

Welcome To Laura's Playground.

Pull Up A Swing And Play Awhile...Here You Are most Welcome.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Big Hugs,

Angie.