Male Terminology And Us

[Guest angie]

I was doing my voice program one day about two months ago,

And heard something that caught my ear and stuck like glue.

It is a male thing to Need and Want and Have To Have.

These are male patterns of pharseology that out you to women

because they are simply not used by women.Women use I Wish

or Would Like or It Would Be Nice.They are taught to ask for and

suggest since birth.While males are taught to demand things.

And I found myself guilty of using them myself all the time.

To change these habits of demanding,takes a mental shift, and a

constant reminder to use the the female speech patterns in everyday

language until they come naturally without thinking.That is why if you read

newer my posts,I am trying mightily to not use the male habit of demanding.

It is something I am making a mental point of using when coversing with gg's

also.And it seems to be working,they listen better,are more open to what

I am saying,because in thier minds,it doesn't sound like a males style of speaking.

Just a suggestion,and every little bit helps my sisters,

Angelique

[Guest Donna Jean]

Thanks, Angie....

Very good stuff!

And a very good girlfriend of mine told me about this some time back...and I try to use it a lot...

And how true that it is a "Male" speech pattern...The demanding type of patterns that are testosterone fueled!

If you ever notice some of my welcome posts to new folks...

I'll say for instance..."Sit in this chair over here by me........OK?"

Asking permission ....never demanding....such a small thing, yet, so important!

Thanks, Angie.....we all need to realize that there are subtle nuances that complete the girl!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest NatalieRene]

Would you share some more tips with us? I would like to know more please.

[Guest yvonne]

Would you share some more tips with us? I would like to know more please.

Sure, you can practice this at the fast food places.

"May I take your order?"

Good---Could I get a cheeseburger?

Bad--Give me a cheeseburger or I want a cheeseburger or I'll have a cheeseburger.

More good--Is it possible to get a cheeseburger? I'd like a cheeseburger.

Think in terms of a request that could be easily denied and you'll be on the right track. We've just been programmed how to talk since birth and it can slip out before we realize it. This goes back to the caveman days when the men killed something and brought it home to eat. The men jumped in and ate their fill in competition with each other. The women and children only ate (if they could) when the men were done.

This means that some days you ate and some days you didn't--unless you had a good day with the roots and berries....

[Guest EricaG]

OMG Angelique, That is so prophetic I have never given that a thought, such nuance a simple turn of a phrase and you are outed. Thanks for sharing, that it is the most wonderful advice.

Hope to talk again soon.

Hugs & Kisses

Erica

[Guest gentleman1]

Wow! I never thought of this topic before! I've always used the phrases "I need, want, give me," etc. and I was born and lived most of my life as female! I guess this is why some people, men and women both, would react almost in a hostile manner to me. (?) I never think about how I talk even now since transitioning. Being male always did come naturally to me without trying. In fact, I can relate to many of the MTFs here because before transitioning, I did make a mighty effort to "feminize" myself so I could feel more like a lady. I gave it up permanently for lent in 2007! ;o) -S

You go girls! I love and appreciate all of you!!!

[Guest AllisonD]

A corollary:

I ask permission to speak, usually with a glance.

So in the scenario presented, I give the waitress a glance that says, "When you are ready I am ready to request what I would like." And then I wait, knowing that she knows I have essentially raised my hand for my turn to speak, as she deals with whomever else (usually a man, unless s/he is my escort) first.

Same with help in the department store, or the garden store, or where ever.

Especially with men.

The other day I had a flat, drove the hundred yards to a nearby garage (gosh awful looking place, must have been pre-war), in the rain, got out of the car and entered the little office area. And stood there. Waiting. A man eventually came in (small minutes), and I waited until he essentially gave me permission to speak before I said, "Please, I have a flat. I would like some help if that would be convenient. Is there someone here that can change my tire for me?" 10 minutes later I was back on the road even tho when I entered the little office I saw a large, plainly written sign that advertised that they only did muffler and brake work, and that only by appointment, no walk in's accepted. The man even told me before he got started that they don't do tires. If I was a man, I really do expect he would not have helped me. He smiled as I left, pleased with how pleased I let him know I was that he was willing to help me.

People, especially other women, that are under constant barrage of customer requests, seem to really light up with this little courtesy of waiting to be acknowledged, and then gently requesting what is wanted. Flight attendants come to mind in particular. They wheel those little carts down the aisles, painting their formal polite smiles on their faces, going as fast as they can, and when they see that rare genuine smile, and a gentle request, they warm right up, and you wind up with extra peanuts or the very last vegetarian plate or whatever. Receptionists in busy doctors' offices also seem to exhibit this behavior. Clerks, particularly government clerks, also come to mind.

It is cliche, but if one is patient, and makes any request seem like a special favor that you would really appreciate being tended to, then the service person you are paying to do her job (one way or another) often as not gives you outstanding service. These same women, faced with what they consider to be a 'pushy' woman customer, often return substandard service. I have observed this many many times.

Allison

[Guest NatalieRene]

This explains why I am more likely to get my way if I ask instead of demand. It works very well when I need something moved even when I'm dressed in drab male crap.

[Guest My_Genesis]

haha are you kidding! women are always like, "I want that dress! I need those shoes, and I have to have matching pants to go with them"

[Guest angie]

Ah but if an MTF uses them it outs her.

They being natural women, can wear anything,talk how they want,

be as demanding as they wanna be.While we,are trying to blend in.

Angie

[Guest NatalieRene]

haha are you kidding! women are always like, "I want that dress! I need those shoes, and I have to have matching pants to go with them"

Might work better with the SO if you dropped a nice little hint like "Don't you think that dress would look great on me?" It makes perfect sense they need to think it was their idea.

[Guest cjnoble71]

Thank you much Angie. I will be more mindful of that in the future, though to be honest I often use "I wish" or "I would like" at least as often as "want" or "need" but that could be part of my upbringing. My dad was the more passive partner, and quite frankly "selfish" language was frowned upon by my "hippy" parents.

[Guest amie]

Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

Too much behavior modification after a not-so extended period of time becomes something too much like a lie, dontcha think?

[Guest Sarah]

Ah but if an MTF uses them it outs her.

They being natural women, can wear anything,talk how they want,

be as demanding as they wanna be.While we,are trying to blend in.

Angie

those sayings kind of annoy me. maybe because I'm raised to not be so stereotypical in thinking. An mtf friend of mine says the same thing, we can't be too maculin or dress too masculin, because it will out us. GG's can, but we can't.

really, I hate that kind of attitude! If you feel better in less feminin clothing, or less stereotypical behavior, then so be it! All my friends, male and female alike are really angry at my mtf friend for saying that. they all are like: be who you are and dress how you want, F*** society. people won't notice that hard if you're not trying to force yourself to be more feminin than you really are. no ones 100% one or the other.

Maybe it's more cultural difference or me living in a more open environment. But i've been raised to be WHO I AM, not who I want to be (I'd like to be just a normal girl, but I'm not. I'm different even if i wouldn't be transgendered) or who others want me to be.

I don't like it either when people say: "Is that a dude?" but I'm trying to ignore it, as long as I'm myself and my friends accept me for who i am, I doesn't matter what other people think.

Okay, ofcourse I'm talking for myself. In my way of acting i've always been more feminin than masculin (and not in a gay way, according to friends), it's mostly my face that gives me away, body wise I'm pretty girly. but i just started hormones only recently.

SOoooo, I know i probably have it a lot easier than most people on here, regarding my environment and appearance. Which makes it easier for me to say the things i just said, but that doesn't make it any less true.

"Be who you are, no more no less"

grtz & hugs,

Sarah xxx

ps: and yes I know I too try sometimes to be more like what people want to see, but I'm at least trying to stay myself.

[Guest angie]

You and I and all the rest, are being ourselves.

But if you can make a minor mental shift to sound more like a gg,why not?

We come in all shapes,sizes,sexuality and choices in how we present.

No one is saying,you have to do it this way.Just because I am a girly girl,

does it mean that all have to or will be.Be who you are and nothing more.

There is no right way or wrong way,as long as you can find happiness in your real gender.

Hugs,

Angie

[Guest Sarah]

my apologies, I kinda lost it there

I didn't mean to sound so offensive, I just have a strong opinion about stereotyping. If you just are that way, no problem, i just don't want someone to act all stereotypical if that's not who they are...

again my sincerest apologies,

Sarah

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Sure, you can practice this at the fast food places.

"May I take your order?"

Good---Could I get a cheeseburger?

Bad--Give me a cheeseburger or I want a cheeseburger or I'll have a cheeseburger.

More good--Is it possible to get a cheeseburger? I'd like a cheeseburger.

Think in terms of a request that could be easily denied and you'll be on the right track. We've just been programmed how to talk since birth and it can slip out before we realize it. This goes back to the caveman days when the men killed something and brought it home to eat. The men jumped in and ate their fill in competition with each other. The women and children only ate (if they could) when the men were done.

This means that some days you ate and some days you didn't--unless you had a good day with the roots and berries....

Id not noticed it as a feminine thing maybe because I have always asked for what I want off a menu, for me its always been can I have, or I would like... its the way I was raised. Even if Im ordering for two of us I would use we would like.... give me or get me sound so ummm demanding and crude

[Guest AllisonD]

Sarah

I had to think about what you said.

I agree with Angie, I try to fit in. I think I got the impression that you were arguing not to do that, but that was a misconception on my part. You never advocated not fitting in.

I know that how I behave comes naturally, a product of how I feel, how I was raised, how I competed with other girls, and then women, as I grew up. Some comes from maturity, some definitely from a sensitivity that I am different, being trans, and so have a permanent emotional bruise of not 'measuring up.'

But the reality is, after I think back on so many years of how I socialize, that how I behave is simply what has proven time and time again to actually work for me. So being femme, leaning as heavily as I can on poise (deportment, demeanor), courtesy, wit, intelligence, modesty (claims to any other attributes notwithstanding), and appropriate dress has evolved into a style that has enabled me to navigate my world and survive.

This is really just what you said. "Be who you are, no more no less."

Right. Be yourself. I think that that is the objective of everyone here. I think that sometimes people go a little overboard toward what they think they must do in order to be accepted as themselves. They simply try too hard. It takes some practice to find the style that works for you, and you only get that practice with lots of social interaction.

Having had the practice, and developed your style, you do naturally fit in, I think, as your confidence in being yourself is perceived by others as the real you.

Allison

[Guest NatalieRene]

Id not noticed it as a feminine thing maybe because I have always asked for what I want off a menu, for me its always been can I have, or I would like... its the way I was raised. Even if Im ordering for two of us I would use we would like.... give me or get me sound so ummm demanding and crude

I was brought up the same way, but maybe it's more telling then anything. thinking back I remember my Mom talking about what she would have named me if I had been born a girl. Maybe she was dropping a hint and I was just too clueless to pick up such a subtle question.

[Guest angie]

What I found is that the vision I had of what kind of woman I would be,

how I would carry myself,dress and act...Is far different than the woman

I have and am becoming.We have an idea,an inkling,a fantasy,that life

lived changes with day to day living female.Few can live the stereo typical

feminine woman that some envision of how they will be as women.Some

do,not many.

Angie

[Guest mia 1]

I'm working on your idea Angie..all day at work I visualized the thought of just moving a bit closer to feminine honesty and a certain deference to the other party,

Thinking of their point of view,a nd what they are hearing instead of what I ma saying I'm liking it.....Thanks for the idea....Mia