My Story Thus Far

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Another woman on the sidewalk

© Sept-09, 2009

Joanna Phipps

 

If you ask several transsexuals  the eventual goal of their  transition you are likely to  get as many answers as  people you ask; however I have noticedseveral underlying  themes most of which seemto  center around the easing orelimination  of the dysphoria and angstthat we all  feel. How long have we  felt this way, again the  answer willdepend on the  individual transsexual;  many knew as kids that they had the wrongbodies, others seemed to know that something was wrong but they didn't have aclue as to what. 

Some had the opportunity to transition early and have hadmost of their adult lives to enjoy the fruits of their labours; others (such asme) couldn't put a diagnosis on our problem until very much later on in life.No matter the age of the transitioning person they all have the samepsychological and sociological needs the most basic ones are to be accepted intheir target gender,  and to live in that gender for the rest of their lives. 

Acceptance in our target gender is probably the hardestthing that we have to do since we don't have the years of socialization andupbringing to tell us what it is to be a girl or a woman in our westernsociety. Since many of us transition later in life we know that to do so willfix our psychological and medical issues but it will also put us in a groupthat society doesn't know what to do with; so society denigrates us, despisesus, and discriminates against us. For many of us it comes down to a simpleparadigm that is cold in its simplicity and brutal in its reality"transition or die".  Thesuicide rate among pre-op transsexuals exceeds 30% and many have had at leastone attempt before age 20. I have said to many of my transsexual brothers andsisters that for me it came down to a case of transition or suffer one of twoless desirable alternatives those being death or confinement to a mentalhospital.  I was getting increasinglybitter, hostile, depressed and was starting to lash out at those around me;looking back it may only have been a matter of time until I did something thatI would have regretted for the rest of my days.

I was already under a psychiatrists care for mydepression and was seeing a counselor as well; however it seemed that nothingthey offered was helping the situation. It was playing  hell with  my marriage, my relationship  with my  step daughter, with my fellow employees, and withthe management of the company I work for. I was already close to losing my job,my marriage and who knows what else I had been warned several times  about mybehavior  at work and  what would happen  if I didn’t 'straighten up and  fly right' (mywords). I really have to hand it to my manager for not firing me on themillionth opportunity to do so. I don't know how the concept of gender, and myfeelings about my gender came into the discussions with my counselor andpsychiatrist but back in April of 2009 they did.  After some good talks with my counselor, anappointment and several phone conversations with my psychiatrist the diagnosisof Gender Identity Disorder was confirmed. This eased my mind somewhat but Iwas still unsure as to what it actually meant; I found that no matter how muchI thought I knew from my research I was off the mark. 

Almost from the beginning I was an awkward patient for myteam, I thought I knew it all and wanted them to do it my way and on my timetable. They, however, had other ideas as to the timing and pace of my earlymonths. I will never forget my doctor's appointment back in June 2009 where Iexpected to have what I called ‘The Estradiol Discussion with her. This wasnot to be since my team had decided that I should be tested to make sure that Itruly was transsexual. This lead to them putting me on full time WITHOUT hormones, something I referredto as being thrown to the sharks for two months. Much to everyone's surprise,not only did I survive this quite well but I actually thrived under it. Duringthis time I accompanied my girlfriend Lyn to a state wide math teacher'sconference, if I was read nobody said anything or reacted differently towardsme. I think it was that which, in my mind, settled it that I was on the rightcourse.  

It finally took Lyn sitting me down and telling me in nouncertain terms that I had best let those around me help me with this. Ofcourse she was right and I began to change my tune. I went from demanding myway and, in effect, throwing temper tantrums when I didn't get my way toallowing my team to do what they were there to do.  It was after this conversation that my otheressay, The Zen of Transition, was written. It delineates a much moremeasured and slower pace to what I want than I had demanded in the past. Whatone of my sisters said finally made sense, she told me, when I first began onmy transition trail, “…Transition isn't a foot race…” back in my ‘ I want it alland I want it now ’ phase her statement made little sense. Looking back on thattime, I see the wisdom of those words; she was trying to tell me to slow downand let my team do their jobs. Unfortunately I was too anxious, blind,stubborn, and stupid to understand what she was trying to say. Once I settleddown and was able to answer the last few nagging questions my psychiatrist hadhe cleared me to begin my hormone therapy as of August 12. I had jumped throughthe hoops, done the unsupported RLT, answered all of the initial questions andnow the reward; it was time for the next leg of my journey to begin. 

As I nervously waited for the doctor on August 12, Istill didn't believe that I was actually going to start my HRT until the nursecame in and half asked, half told me (in that peculiar nursing fashion) “Startinghormone therapy to day” to which I replied “I hope to be”. I breathed a sigh ofrelief after she left the room. It wasn't until my doctor came in, and began totell me all of the risks and side effects of both Estradiol and Spironolactone,that I finally knew that it would happen. The final clincher was when she gaveme the waiver form to sign, which I did after reading it (not that it saidanything I didn't already know). It was only then that she got out theprescription pad and wrote the scripts for those magic pills, the ones whichwould slowly change my life and put me on the right course. I took those scriptsand headed straight for my local Wal-Mart, and wanted them filled. As usual thepharmacy took twenty minutes to half an hour to get things done but finallythere I was with them in my hand. 

Once I got home I nervously read the warnings andprecautions that came with the medication and decided that I would start rightthen.  So with more questions in my mindthan I had answers I nervously took the first couple of pills, the Spirosmelled funny but tasted awful, the estrogen tasted sweet. It was either thenext day or the day after that Lyn said “The hormones must be doing something”I asked why she thought that, she replied “you've been a regular b.itch”.  Looking back on it I guess I had and thatanswered one of my questions. The other big one was how I was going to react tothe Spiro; initially it didn't make any difference in the amount or frequencyof urination but recently OMG it's you'd best go now or the results might notbe pretty. A person gets used to dealing with things like that and knows ifthey can hold it till they get home or it they really should go right now.  

I have noticed that as the testosterone levels drop I amcalmer and easier to get along with, something that my manager and many of thestaff where I work have commented on. I don't know how low my Testosteronenumber is right now since I haven't had a chance to see the doctor. I see hertoday and we will see then how low it has gone, when I started transition itwas 380 Ng/Dl which is on the low end for a male I know it's considerably lowerthan that but don't know the number. There have been other changes going on as well; my breasts have begun tochange. There is an area behind each nipple that is tender to the touch andthere has been some growth although not much as of yet. It seems likespontaneous erections are a thing of the past, and it's looking like any kindof erection is nearly impossible, and as for orgasm that’s a thing of the pastas well. Not that all of these sexual changes actually bother me since I do notwant a romantic or sexual relationship right now. Frankly I am consideringbeing asexual for a while, at least until my transition settles down and I havea chance to think about my orientation. 

I know one thing no matter where I might move to therehad better be some good LGBT facilities; I am tired of living where there isnothing for a social scene for us. As I move along and tick off the stages ofmy transition I am now considering the big issues and where it would be best tolive in order to solve them. I am referring to the issues of my varioussurgeries and the funding of them. Here in the U.S. I am pretty much on my ownfor funding them and G.R.S. is going to cost between $10,000.00 and $20,000.00.Either one means that unless I win the lottery or have some other largewindfall there is no way I can get any of them. Canada, on the other hand,seems to have it covered in their provincial health plans and since I am aCanadian citizen a move back north definitely seems worth the money andtrouble. The only thing is that I would be moving back there with no job and noplace to stay; however my research is indicating that both might be fairlystraight forward to obtain.  A move toCanada is not exactly in the cards right now but I am sure that it will come upas my girlfriend Lyn and I discuss where we might want to move to and where itwould be better for the both of us. I know that both of us loved it there andhave said many times that we would love to move back if the opportunitypresented itself. 

That is the way things are right now but I bet some arewondering where the title of this piece comes from. The answer is fairlystraight forward at one time I was asked what the goal of my transition was, thetitle was my reply I desire to simply be another woman on the sidewalk; able todo what I need to do and be comfortable doing it. To an extent this has alreadyhappened, I have been living full time as a woman since June 12, and it justgets easier each day that I do it. Right now, due to lack of things likebreasts, I have to use some prosthetics to accomplish giving my appearance thelook of femininity that I desire it to have and that will help others see me aswho and what I wish to be seen as.

[Paula ult]

Joanna, i believe i am just another woman on the sidewalk, as far as i am concerned and everyone else i am just another woman buying groceries, shopping for clothes, getting her nails done etc. and so far nobody has treated me as if i am not.

it is all attitude.

My goal in transition is to live the rest of my life happy regardless if i passed or not, i have been happy for a long time now and yes i seem to pass well even thought i do not think so.

it is all attitude

Paula

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Joanna, i believe i am just another woman on the sidewalk, as far as i am concerned and everyone else i am just another woman buying groceries, shopping for clothes, getting her nails done etc. and so far nobody has treated me as if i am not.

it is all attitude.

My goal in transition is to live the rest of my life happy regardless if i passed or not, i have been happy for a long time now and yes i seem to pass well even thought i do not think so.

it is all attitude

Paula

I hear you there Paula, I am not sure how well I actually pass. Ive not had someone come up to me in Wally World and tell me I'm aught but a guy in a dress, or womens clothing so either people are too self absorbed, I pass with in the bounds of female behaviour, or people are too polite to say anything. No matter which one it is, it's all good.