Anxiety Issues And Stuff

[Guest My_Genesis]

When I was only 8 years old a psychiatrist diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and put me on zoloft...which i stayed on for about 1-2 years. Pretty much since then i have been on and off antidepressants, which I guess were mainly to control anxiety more so than actual depression...which I'm not convinced I have (in the neurochemical/biological sense, at least....)

anyway since april of this year I stopped antidepressants and now I just take an anti-anxiety med as needed.

Coincidentally, in this class I'm taking, Abnormal Psychology, we went through all the anxiety disorders in the DSM-IV on Wednesday. And all of them are much more prevalent in females than in males, with the exception of social phobia. Every time I think about that, I just feel...i dunno, emasculated? Like being born female doesn't give me enough of that already

So the irony comes in when I start to think through why I have panic attacks and anxiety problems...usually it's just a feeling of overall lack of control over anything in life... and a lot of times, for some reason, it will result from a heightened sex drive (which I often have ) but it's like, I'll consciously realize I find any random person I'm talking to to be attractive, and it can trigger panic. So I think a lot of all this is actually rooted in the fact that I don't have a male body; how I feel like I can't really plan anything out because my parents are not doing much better off financially than I am, and also because I feel like I will not be happy with the body I have given the technology available at present..and who knows how long that will take??..and also the fact that I feel like I am missing out on a lot of college just because of this... lol i guess maybe that's a good thing cuz I'm not doing much that I can regret... but then there are just basic things, like I could be living with a guy instead of a girl, which I'd be so much more comfortable with.. I could have had a good social life instead of being somewhat socially inept, introverted, and misfit. In reality I feel like my real niche in college is probably the "nice guy"... and there are a lot of those here, so I hate how much I hate seeing what I could have been....

I've been thinking about it today because I had an initial consult on-campus but requested to be referred off-campus for longer-term counseling, primarily for the anxiety stuff but also just to sort out some of these things that are bugging me... I guess when I feel like i have more support, better friendships, and am financially stable I will find an actual gender therapist and start transitioning....

The funny thing is I've gone the complete opposite direction emotionally which I guess should counteract this, because for instance I can talk about all this with complete apathy...and I'm apathetic a lot of the time....actually sometimes I wish I felt a little less emotionally numb. lol.

I dunno, sorry about the rant, that was probably all pretty boring to read. I just thought I'd share and see if anyone has similar stuff going on...or what you all think about the whole thing...

[Guest Martin]

I also have disorders that are more common in women than in men. Sometimes that makes me feel emasculated, but I try to remember that men get these disorders, too. A LOT of men. There's just even more women.

Transitioning did help me in a lot of ways - made me more comfortable socially, helped me not dissociate, lowered dysphoria, helped me make sense of my emotions, lowered my depression, etc. However, remember that it is NOT a cure-all. I'm still anxious (in social settings as well as in others), I still have mood distrubances, and so on. I'm still mentally ill. I hope you will be able to transition soon and that it will help you - but I also hope you'll have realistic expectations.

[Guest Eck]

I have several psychiatric diagnoses. I purposely disregard the sex ratios when they come up because my gender - transitioned or other - is not going to suddenly heal all my wounds. Do not allow your diagnosis to define your entire person. Having mental illness full-time is hard enough without it messing with your identity and your self-image. I have learned to trust my doctor, take the meds that make life manageable and somewhat enjoyable, and acknowledge the challenge inherent in mental illness. It is a matter of taking inventory of yourself one thing at a time.

Hope this helps,

Eck

[Guest My_Genesis]

I purposely disregard the sex ratios when they come up because my gender - transitioned or other - is not going to suddenly heal all my wounds. Do not allow your diagnosis to define your entire person. Having mental illness full-time is hard enough without it messing with your identity and your self-image.

That's the thing, when i look for root causes it seems the majority goes back to gender dysphoria things, sexual dysphoria things, etc. And I'll have cis-guy friends that aren't struggling with any of what I am (the anxiety stuff, not the gender stuff..) and I'll think, why can't I be like that? Because when your body and mind match you inherently have more control over your life...? And I feel like once I graduate college I'll be on my own and if I'm on my own there's no way I can go on with the fake female act any longer. And i won't feel prepared to be on my own, as badly as I want to be-wanted to be for a long time... just because of this. I'm used to hiding from society because that's my comfort zone right now... I'm not really a "people person" anyway. I don't see how I can integrate into society like I've always wanted to.

[Guest hayden_jude]

Wow, I definitely feel your pain here. About wanting to be a "nice guy" in college, having a male roommate, etc. - story of my life. Thank you for voicing those thoughts because I've been thinking the same things myself and I've been worrying if they're irrational. I definitely feel like I would be a more social, more involved person, if I were male right now. I definitely feel like it affects my social life, having people look at me and see a girl rather than the guy I am. It makes me not even want to bother talking to people, because I know they will not see the real me. They will see the "fake female" act.

I have wanted to be on my own for a long time as well, simply because I somehow got the idea into my head that once I was away from my family/the ties that bind, I would be free to transition and more fully explore my dysphoria and my other various issues. But I'm starting to realize that may not be the case. I don't know. I guess I'm just getting very nervous lately because I thought that I would be happier "on my own" - living at college, etc. And the truth is I hate it here. I miss my home. And I haven't quite figured out why yet. But I do. So I'm getting very nervous because I'm starting to wonder if I will ever feel ok on my own. Or if all of these are related to The Gender Issues.

But I wouldn't let the gender-ratios for your disorder make you feel emasculated. Those kinds of things....Statistics in general I think must be designed to make everyone who is the exception to the rule feel terrible about themselves. It's just stupid stuff. Forget the percentages, forget the ratios, forget the statistics.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hey there Genesis,

If it makes you feel any better, I too suffered from anxiety a lot when I was in my teens and early twenties. I used to have serious anxeity attacks where I had to breathe into a paper sack to calm down and to keep from passing out. I was nerdy (still am) when I was in school. Being a nerd, femme (I'm MTF), and otherwise socially awkward led to me being pushed away by many people. This and many other reasons led to my depression and anxiety.

Being older now, my anxiety issues have all but disappeared. I have been through far more stressful situations than I ever did when I was young, but I don't have the anxiety problems as in my youth. I think that the reason for this is that as I got older, I became more and more accepting of myself and less concerned about what others thought. As I began to realize that I was someone of worth, my anxiety began to fall away. Now this did not happen overnight, and it is still continuing today.

I am transgendered, a nerd, and darn proud of it!!!!

Love you

Brenda

[Guest My_Genesis]

@ hayden_jude im glad you can relate, I kinda thought i was being irrational too. i have kind of a love/hate relationship with the rooming with a girl thing. i kinda see it as a "privilege" and at the same time it just becomes awkward and i hate it, start feeling like i have to get out of the room due to awkward silences, feel paranoid that im being judged on everything i do, etc.

i am definitely happier at college..and at the same time I'm not. Because pretty much what I see around me is "the life I wish I could have." People are nice and all, I feel like if my life were different and I was born properly I'd fit in so well, my social life from elementary school onward would have been a lot more productive and I would probably be getting so much more out of college right now than I am. In fact I find it sad that I don't ever get homesick since I've gone away to school because I was never happy at home, felt I didn't fit in and needed to go somewhere else where I did. And I definitely think I do (or would) fit in really well here it's just the way everyone views me that's preventing me from actually settling into my niche. I just have to sit there and watch my empty niche being filled by other people with similar personalities instead.

Sorry if that didn't make sense, I had this little visual diagram going in my head, lol.

@ bernii I'm more of a semi-nerd haha my IQ isn't high enough to be a full-out nerd. (my emotional IQ on the other hand is probably more in the retardation range ) probably another hindrance to my ability to make friends and have a social life :/

[Guest hayden_jude]

Genesis -

Maybe it's a privilege for you, haha, but speaking as a gay man it's kind of an issue.

But yeah, I understand wanting to get out of the room and feeling judged on your actions, etc. And it's not like people are mean or anything, like you said. People are nice. But it's like we can't properly fulfill our roles because we don't yet have the ability to. I get that, totally. It's like there's all this potential for What Could Be, But Isn't. So it's kind of a bummer, because we're the only ones who see how different things could be. Wouldn't it be great if everyone could see the true gender of a person through the exterior? That would definitely solve some problems. But maybe it would create more, who knows.

I understand about not fitting in at home. My life was kind of the same way, and I thought that moving here would change that, but if anything, it just caused further damage. I know this is a shamefully closeted thing to say, but if I could fit in at home - even by playing a role that I know is not the real me, the role I have always played there - I would rather be there. Among people I know, who know at least 65% of me, rather than the 3% most people here know. Again, I know that is terrible to say and it makes me feel guilty to admit, but I can't change that.

Bummer about our empty niches. Maybe we just have to find different ways of fitting in, ways that aren't influenced by true gender v. perceived gender. If those exist.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Genesis -

Maybe it's a privilege for you, haha, but speaking as a gay man it's kind of an issue.

But yeah, I understand wanting to get out of the room and feeling judged on your actions, etc. And it's not like people are mean or anything, like you said. People are nice. But it's like we can't properly fulfill our roles because we don't yet have the ability to. I get that, totally. It's like there's all this potential for What Could Be, But Isn't. So it's kind of a bummer, because we're the only ones who see how different things could be. Wouldn't it be great if everyone could see the true gender of a person through the exterior? That would definitely solve some problems. But maybe it would create more, who knows.

Bummer about our empty niches. Maybe we just have to find different ways of fitting in, ways that aren't influenced by true gender v. perceived gender. If those exist.

most of the time it is an issue, lol i wonder how many guys would actually be comfortable living with a girl they hardly know/aren't friends with. or, hardly know/aren't friends with but often have lustful feelings towards. that makes it more awkward...cuz i didnt have that issue with my roommate last year and there was still a lot of awkwardness and feeling uncomfortable, and since one of my guy friends told me she didnt like having me as a roommate because i "never went anywhere"... so she probably just thinks im this loser no-lifer loner person....and then i start to wonder how many other people view me that way... so this year i feel like i have to at least make it look like i have more of a social life than i actually do. so i dont end up being perceived the same way as last year. i also have this fear that that's more or less my "reputation." maybe, going back to my original post, i have social phobia

i think a lot of the fear of being judged comes from not really understanding how i am perceived by girls... like something as simple as im "weird" or "different" or whatever because I don't have as many bathroom products and clothes as anyone I'm living with does (I also have suite-mates.) I always just used the excuse that I'm poor last year when people told me how empty my closet was... yes it was always a girl who pointed it out... and it's not like im lying: i could use more clothes, i just dont have much money right now. but that also makes me self-conscious. i guess for some reason, i get paranoid that girls can read right through me and figure it all out on their own and i automatically out myself.

and my roommate from last year never even talks to me, if we're in a group of friends she pretends i dont exist. and it's like, "what did i do wrong??"

i dunno if its possible to fully fit in when you are not perceived as you should be if you figure it out let me know haha...somehow for me the problem of perceived vs. true gender is just always "there"

im not even out to my closest friend here, maybe that will make my life a little easier. i just don't know how he'd react. he's very far left politically so he's very pro-gay and things like that...though hes not gay himself... but the both of us are horrible at discussing anything personal..probaby why we get along lol. and he also always makes sexist jokes and if hes gonna incorporate those into me being trans somehow (even something as simple as "you aren't masculine enough") i probably will regret ever having told him.

[Guest Cricket]

I have a number of psychiatric disorders, one of them being generalized anxiety which I was diagnosed with at age 8. It runs in my family which means the females and males have it. My dad does and two of my male cousins do, and it's possible more of the men in my family have it but just haven't told anyone! It may appear more frequently in bio-females, but it occurs a lot in bio-males too. The best advice I've ever, ever gotten is to not let psychiatric problems define you. You are not your disorder and having anxiety doesn't make you who you are or any less of a man! It may color the way you react to certain situations but it doesn't make you who you are. I know it's hard to remember that but try to, because I really believe they are some of the truest words ever spoken.

[Guest hayden_jude]

i think a lot of the fear of being judged comes from not really understanding how i am perceived by girls... like something as simple as im "weird" or "different" or whatever because I don't have as many bathroom products and clothes as anyone I'm living with does (I also have suite-mates.) I always just used the excuse that I'm poor last year when people told me how empty my closet was... yes it was always a girl who pointed it out... and it's not like im lying: i could use more clothes, i just dont have much money right now. but that also makes me self-conscious. i guess for some reason, i get paranoid that girls can read right through me and figure it all out on their own and i automatically out myself.

i dunno if its possible to fully fit in when you are not perceived as you should be if you figure it out let me know haha...somehow for me the problem of perceived vs. true gender is just always "there"

im not even out to my closest friend here, maybe that will make my life a little easier. i just don't know how he'd react. he's very far left politically so he's very pro-gay and things like that...though hes not gay himself... but the both of us are horrible at discussing anything personal..probaby why we get along lol. and he also always makes sexist jokes and if hes gonna incorporate those into me being trans somehow (even something as simple as "you aren't masculine enough") i probably will regret ever having told him.

I have always wondered if girls (or for that matter, biomales as well) notice something inherently different about me. Something that says, "I am not like you." Because I do lack bathroom supplies. I have absolutely no fingernail polish with me whatsoever, while my roommate's desk is covered in bottles of it. I have a lack of clothing - although I admit that's partialy because I really am poor. I get paranoid that people in general can read through me. I think that is probably just genuine insanity peeking through. I doubt that anyone reads me that way, especially if I made it through school with the same group of kids (nearly) for thirteen years and no one seemed to catch on. So I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about that.

About coming out to your friend - it's something I would never do (at least, not yet - but that's partially because of who my closest friend is), but if you decide to make that move, make absolutely sure that it's the right thing to do. In other words, don't do it if you feel even the slightest hesitance pulling you back.

[Guest My_Genesis]

I have always wondered if girls (or for that matter, biomales as well) notice something inherently different about me. Something that says, "I am not like you." Because I do lack bathroom supplies. I have absolutely no fingernail polish with me whatsoever, while my roommate's desk is covered in bottles of it. I have a lack of clothing - although I admit that's partialy because I really am poor. I get paranoid that people in general can read through me. I think that is probably just genuine insanity peeking through. I doubt that anyone reads me that way, especially if I made it through school with the same group of kids (nearly) for thirteen years and no one seemed to catch on. So I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about that.

About coming out to your friend - it's something I would never do (at least, not yet - but that's partially because of who my closest friend is), but if you decide to make that move, make absolutely sure that it's the right thing to do. In other words, don't do it if you feel even the slightest hesitance pulling you back.

I hesitate on it with everyone though! I even hesitated on it with someone I just met a few weeks ago who's mtf.... second time we had a convo he told me... two weeks later I send a pm on facebook. so it's hard for me to judge whether hesitation is a determining factor... lol.

i kind of feel like i need to tell people in order to be good friends with them, otherwise the entire friendship is basically "fake" because I am a fake person. so as a result, regardless of who I'd call a "friend", i feel like I have none. because of the way i have to hide so much from people that it becomes difficult to maintain a friendship... i mean if a "friend" can only know so much about you.... that really limits my ability to have a functional social life.

@Cricket I am not saying the diagnosis is defining me - yes I'm still trying to tell myself that because it does still make me feel "inadequate" (i.e. less masculine) but my point was the irony behind feeling less masculine about struggling with something that is more common in girls when if were biologically male to begin with, a lot of my anxiety issues probably wouldn't exist in the first place

[Guest hayden_jude]

Genesis - I feel that. The fake friendship thing, I mean. It's hard to be friends with someone when you have to hide a large and growing portion yourself from that person. I'm dealing with the same thing. My best friend and I - we've had some issues, to put it simply. We've each had dumb high school crushes on the other, and by the time he was serious about it, I was over it, but I accepted anyway for his sake, even with my newfound realization of my gender dysphoria. And then I realized that was a bad thing to do, but I couldn't tell him why, so he never got a real answer, something he's still sort of bitter about. But how could I ever tell him that the GIRL he was in love with doesn't exist? Besides, he's so...conservative. He's one of those people who "are ok with gays" as long as "they don't come on to him". Ugh. That's slowly changing, but still. He makes jokes about transsexuals - how could I ever tell him? And if I can't tell him, does that mean our friendship is fake? Does that make it not worth continuing? I feel like he could've been a really good friend if I were born male. So it's a kicker. I debate telling him all the time, but every time the answer comes back no. I don't know how I would even begin to tell him, for one thing. We don't really talk about personal things too much either. Which also makes me wonder if our friendship is fake or not worth continuing. It's all just really complicated.

But here's the thing: regardless of who and when and why, we are all going to have a "first time we ever came out" to someone. And it's probably not going to be a pretty thing, generally speaking. And that hesitance will always be there. So maybe it's just a matter of getting up the nerve to actually do it, knowing full well that it might be a disaster and you might lose that person. I would just keep in mind that you don't want to endanger yourself - don't tell anyone who might spread the news to people you aren't yet ready to tell, don't tell anyone who might hate you for it or try to harm you, don't tell anyone who has the authority to otherwise heavily influence your life (and here I mean school officials, etc.). As long as you trust the person, and you know that you are at a point where continuing with the "act" is useless, or else too frustrating to keep up, go ahead. Right? Since your friend makes sexist jokes, though, maybe this is not the time or the person to tell. Or maybe, if he is emotionally intelligent enough, he will realize that this is not something you want to joke about and will keep his mouth shut.

[Guest Cricket]

genesis: Oh, I'm sorry! I misunderstood what you were saying. I agree with that, though, and I feel for you ...I truly think once I transition my anxiety won't be nearly as bad, even though I'll still have problems with it, but I also feel like being female causes me a lot more than I would have were I born a bio-male. It's very possible that a lot of your anxiety IS stemming from gender dysphoria although I'm not a psychiatrist so you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. Situational anxiety can be just as bad if not worse as chemically caused anxiety disorders.

I haven't made any new friends after I started coming out and presenting as male, but I can understand feeling like a fake friend because something like this sometimes needs to be kept secret from certain people for safety reasons. But maybe if you tried to think of it this way: a lot of friends don't know everything there is to know about each other. A lot of friends keep personal secrets from each other, but that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't true friends. It just means there are things one of them isn't comfortable in sharing yet. Very few friends know every detail there is to know about each other. Coming out is a difficult, stressful, and delicate process, and I think, when you are to come out to the friends you have now who don't know (whether that's near or far in the future), if you just explain to them why you kept it secret (you were afraid of their judgment, losing them as a friend, you weren't sure how they'd react and wanted to wait until they seemed like they might be open to the idea, you were nervous about a fight, whatever your reasons are), and explain that you're still the person you always were, still have the same beliefs and feelings (and that's probably why they're your friends, not because of your gender) if they are true friends hopefully they should be understanding about it and not hold it against you. Relationships, whether they are platonic, romantic, or between family, are always complicated and being transgendered can sometimes complicate things a little more on top of that. The only person who can decide when it's the right time is you ... but like hayden said, be very careful about not putting yourself in a dangerous situation when you decide to come out to people. That's really the most important thing to think about.

I still have very close friends that I haven't told because I'm scared of how they'll react. They are some of my best friends and I would just be devastated if I were to lose them. I keep telling myself I'm just waiting for the right time but I know I'm just stalling because I'm scared of what they'll say or think. So I definitely empathize.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Besides, he's so...conservative. He's one of those people who "are ok with gays" as long as "they don't come on to him". Ugh. That's slowly changing, but still. He makes jokes about transsexuals - how could I ever tell him? And if I can't tell him, does that mean our friendship is fake? Does that make it not worth continuing? I feel like he could've been a really good friend if I were born male.

But here's the thing: regardless of who and when and why, we are all going to have a "first time we ever came out" to someone. And it's probably not going to be a pretty thing, generally speaking. Since your friend makes sexist jokes, though, maybe this is not the time or the person to tell. Or maybe, if he is emotionally intelligent enough, he will realize that this is not something you want to joke about and will keep his mouth shut.

Ha so funny thing that happened with my friend today (yeah the sexist joke guy....who hates guys and has like 90% female friends..lol.) I mentioned before about feeling awkward with my roommate situation this year because...well I guess basically the way I see it now is we hardly ever talk to each other, I feel like there are a lot of awkward silences and i sit there trying to think of things to start talking about but always draw a blank and often end up leaving the room... and additionally im kind of attracted to her physically so all that put together, its just weird we live together.

So back to my friend... our dorm has a game room and we sometimes play the arcade stuff, while we were playing today, we somehow started talking about our roommates, and very bluntly, he's like "I wanna date your rooomate." And I said "what? really? are you kidding?" and he said "no. i would date her....she's cute." and im just thinking (restrained myself from actually doing that lol) because it's like, on the one hand it seems we have "similar taste", i guess, and i just find that frustrating when i can be so much like a cis-male and then NOT actually be one, and additionally have to be self-conscious about not behaving like one and accidentally outing myself (i.e., in this case, "yeah i know right!" ).... and on the other hand, he doesn't know im trans, so when he said that i almost felt obligated to come out to him just so my response would be-well, my honest response (which would be something along the lines of "haha yeah i know why do you think i find it so awkward to be rooming with her?") cuz im tired of having to be so deliberate in my behavior, what i say, etc. and not being able to have a truly honest conversation with anyone.

...and it just kinda drove me nuts thinking about how weird my life can be . i swear if he actually does date her (i dont think he will cuz hes not really into dating right now... lucky for me a lot of people here are like that... i blend in a lot better that way...at least considering the circumstances... lol...) that would make this whole thing at least doubly as awkward.

I actually have a lot more friends than would be expected on the conservative side - I always feel that way about it too, like if i were born male i couldve been a lot closer friends with them. especially the guys just because it's hard for me to be in a group of guys and they all view you as a girl. sometimes i just dont like that type of situation and end up hanging out with girls instead but i also dont always relate to girls too well lol so that's where i get stuck in social situations, i have to find a co-ed environment to balance it out. Otherwise I'm usually pretty uncomfortable. :/

I've already had a "first time" lol it's just it never seems to get easier, sometimes it seems to get harder...and other times it's just like starting all over again, like each person is a completely new siutation....

[Guest hayden_jude]

Genesis - that's tough. It's weird, isn't it, being caught between two worlds, so to speak? I definitely get what you mean about being the "only girl" in a group of guys....That's so annoying because I naturally gravitate towards male friends but when they view me as a girl, it changes the way they act/speak/etc around me because I am not "one of them" or whatever. My best friend is always talking about how he needs more male friends and more "guy time" and it totally makes me want to just confess everything....Which I know is a bad idea, but still! Argh.

Honestly, I think Cricket probably gave you the best advice. I think it would be good for you to come out to this fellow, if you feel like it's a good time. And just explain, exactly as Cricket said, that you are still the same person and seriously, the two of your were never friends because of your perceived gender anyway, right? So explain that you still hold the same opinions, beliefs, whatever, and that you still find the same things funny....You know. That kind of thing. And the friendship shouldn't change. Because you are right about the honesty. It's hard not to be able to have a totally honest conversation with a close friend. And there's no real reason for it, if he is an accepting, liberally-adjusted person. If he makes annoying jokes after the fact, teach him not to. By whatever means available.

[Guest sphere]

I (used to?) have social anxiety, depression, and panic disorder. I think all of them are more prevalent in the female gender, but I don't think it takes away any masculinity personally. Transpeople are much more prone to getting these sorts of anxiety and depression issues anyway, and it's no surprise for obvious reasons...

I used to take SSRIs for these problems but on a personal struggle to be myself, also involving realizing and coming to terms with my actual gender identity, I gained more confidence though still haven't completely overcome these disorders. I no longer have access to SSRIs and am currently experiencing some very un-fun withdrawl symptoms, but I'm currently taking St. John's Wort tablets instead. I've looked it up and they're supposed to be just as effective without the terrible side effects. Can't tell yet, haven't been using it for long enough.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Genesis - that's tough. It's weird, isn't it, being caught between two worlds, so to speak? I definitely get what you mean about being the "only girl" in a group of guys....That's so annoying because I naturally gravitate towards male friends but when they view me as a girl, it changes the way they act/speak/etc around me because I am not "one of them" or whatever. My best friend is always talking about how he needs more male friends and more "guy time" and it totally makes me want to just confess everything....Which I know is a bad idea, but still! Argh.

yeah things like that too...

i dunno i am asking my mtf friend who's out to a ton of people about it tomorrow... or whenever we hang out together again, lol.

[Sally]

I no longer have access to SSRIs and am currently experiencing some very un-fun withdrawl symptoms, but I'm currently taking St. John's Wort tablets instead. I've looked it up and they're supposed to be just as effective without the terrible side effects. Can't tell yet, haven't been using it for long enough.

I read this post over several times before approving it, I am a bit concerned from these last two sentences that you have been self medicating.

I hope that is not the case because even over the counter - health food supplements can have serious side effects on some people.

Be aware that everyone's body chemistry is unique to them and that is where food allergies come into play.

I love shrimp and crawfish and could eat them all day long but a friend of mine has one bite of a piece of fish that has a shellfish sauce on it and if she doesn't get her injection right away will die.

Please everyone, consult with your physician before trying a lot of 'natural' cures on your own.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest My_Genesis]

SSRI's never did much for me... the ones i had been taking for several years, i had like no emotional range and my appetite wasnt great, and when I went off one id been taking for years I actually switched over to weekly Prozac for...well, i took it once. because it caused me all the problems it's supposed to solve (increased anxiety, insomnia, more depressed, mood swings...) pretty much turned me into a girl for a week and that was not fun. that was a week from hell, im afraid to ever take ssri's again..

actually the only reason id be willing to go back on them is for sex drive decrease.

I would just like to feel like I can control my life, I'm tired of feeling like I have to leave everything up to chance. That's where I think a lot of my anxiety/panic is rooted - feeling like I'm lost and have no direction in life.

Doesn't help that it's sophomore slump time... lol

[Guest hayden_jude]

Mmhmm, I'm tired of leaving things up to chance too. But I find that the more I try to control things and take charge of my life, the anxiety just increases. Ironically enough. So for now I am (attempting to be) in a relaxed state of letting things happen. I will see where it gets me. I guess it's my way of taking a break from life until November, when it's time to early-register for the spring semester....

[Guest My_Genesis]

like my friend said today who's mtf, when we were talking about wanting better techonolgy etc. "I can almost guarantee 99.9% that it won't happen" (meaning having internal organs etc.) - because of immune system rejection and all that. but then I brought up these studies that were done in the 80s that this may i fact not be an obstacle for us, we may actually have a genetic predisposition that has compatibility with the chromosomal makeup of the opposite sex. and then i started talking about how one of the reasons i decided to become a biology major was to advance the technique on my own because i feel like i just cant sit around and keep my fingers crossed that it will happen.. and how i dont even know anymore whether a career in biology is what i actually want or if it's something im doing because i want the technology to improve badly enough to go through 8 years of school to do it myself. but really i do always see myself in some kind of biomedical career - though there is also fantasy vs reality to take into account...

so yeah i guess suddenly i feel like my life is very up in the air and i dont have a clear direction to move in - kinda scary to think about. because it's almost like im not even a real person at this point in my life, ive been going through the motions of living but havent actually lived. it's all very weird the more i think about it.

[Sally]

Well MyGen,

You have just stated so well the true felling of being transsexual - you have yet to live because all of this is so far has been a play for someone else.

Sort of a shadow puppet theater and we are always in the shadows until we finally come out and make our physical transitions and step into the light and begin to live.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest My_Genesis]

Yeah, it's just difficult to comes to terms with that. Life has no do-overs...

[Guest ChalenAustin]

Hey there Genesis,

If it makes you feel any better, I too suffered from anxiety a lot when I was in my teens and early twenties. I used to have serious anxeity attacks where I had to breathe into a paper sack to calm down and to keep from passing out. I was nerdy (still am) when I was in school. Being a nerd, femme (I'm MTF), and otherwise socially awkward led to me being pushed away by many people. This and many other reasons led to my depression and anxiety.

Being older now, my anxiety issues have all but disappeared. I have been through far more stressful situations than I ever did when I was young, but I don't have the anxiety problems as in my youth. I think that the reason for this is that as I got older, I became more and more accepting of myself and less concerned about what others thought. As I began to realize that I was someone of worth, my anxiety began to fall away. Now this did not happen overnight, and it is still continuing today.

I am transgendered, a nerd, and darn proud of it!!!!

Love you

Brenda

Thank You!!!!

READ FABULOSITY BY KIMORA LEE SIMMONS!!!!!!!!!!!

I mostly blame my father- he was schitsofrantic and pychopathic.

I'm not related (adopted) but I know EXACTLY why I and where I get my quirks and panic attacks from (not just him) so I take control by visualizing who I want to be and actually start becoming that fully realized person NOW.

That's the real secret in trasitioning. It's only half physcial it's mostly being the kind of person you want to be INSIDE AND OUT!

Still nice to know I'm not the only one thinking I was seeing ghosts from my past yesterday, though.

I think love, support and tough love work best for me.

When no one's going to do it for me sometimes a good old fashioned kick in pants and do it myself attitude helps.

Makes you feel invinciable like I CAN DO THIS! Be warned you need good people to keep you grounded, though.

I kinda became this way out of life or death nescetity though.

My mom or dad couldn't help me after everything else they've inevitably done NOT help. (he controlled and brain washed her and she still tells herself things are better in a different way than they really are to help, and than believes herself.)

It's survival basically. Take control for yourself. Think old soviet athelete mentality.