Hello From Nevada

[Guest Bax]

Hi all, I'd just like to give an introduction here. I'd guess you'd usually start out with a name, but I really haven't come up with one yet so you can just call me Bax for now (it's an abbreviated version of a name I've always used for internet forums). So I'm 28 years old, a pharmacy student, and I'm engaged right now to a guy I've been dating for almost seven years. I've always identified myself as a guy for ever since I can remember, I just haven't felt very strongly about it since about a year and a half ago. I can't really say exactly what changed, though it was coincidental that it was right around the time I quit taking birth control, but that's a whole other story in itself.

So, I'm just really glad I can find other people to talk to, 'cause I haven't told anyone; I'm just scared to death 'cause it will pretty much change all my relationships, and I'm happy enough at times with the way they are. It's like one of the things that frustrates me a lot is when people point out (or use the "wrong pronoun" as the saying goes) that I have a female body; it just like pulls me out of I guess this state of being I have where I really see myself in my mind, and feel in my mind, that I'm a guy (I'm probably not explaining it well, but if anyone's ever experienced that jarring feeling where its like "wait a minute, did they just call me a girl?"). So if I could just get that to stop, I'd be much better off (the other thing, well, the technology just isn't there yet, but, well--at least I have a lot of emotional angst to inspire some material for the books I write); but unfortunately, you know (back to the other thing), the way you look is the way you look, or the style you have is the style you have (I'll never cut my hair short, and I don't see nothing wrong with guys having long hair. I also like tighter clothes than looser ones, though not girly; I've always thought of myself as having an effeminate guys' style of clothing) and you can't get very far transitioning without people noticing (then I'd have to tell a lot of people I know, and I'm just scared to death of that---so like my perfect fantasy world is that if I can just start with the hormones and perhaps top surgery, and not have anyone say anything: they would just be like "oh yeah, that's a guy; always has been, what's the problem?" yeah, aren't fantasy worlds great).

So, I'm in the process of trying to schedule an appt with a gender therapist. I'm not really sure what I want--I guess at the moment, I just need to talk to someone about this (though I did tell the person who advised me to see this specific therpist that I think I might have GID, and gosh, it was just wonderful to actually say it to a real living person; incidentally she was like "what's that?" so, yeah, I knew she wouldn't be the one I was actually going to see). I'm also tired of having a soft body, and am working at building up muscle, but you can only get so far with all that estrogen (though I feel very good about being able to do 40 push-ups when I started out a year and a half ago at being able to do only seven). My fiance knows about how I want to get stronger and he's like you're not going to get much stronger unless you want to take steroids; he didn't sound entirely opposed to it, though he does believe it will "mess me all up"; I mentioned something like "well, I'd really just like to get an estrogen blocker 'cause I can't stand that stuff (the estrogen) anyway", and he was okay with that (he said "well, you're the pharmacist, you should know about that stuff"; not sure if that's actually what I want to do though, 'cause then there'll be the problem with osteoporosis).

Well, these are all things I'll hopefully be telling a therapist, I guess when I get to talking about something I tend to ramble on and on about it. So, sorry! But I'm also a writer, so I guess that's just what happens when we get going. Anyway just saying "hello", and I'll hope to be talking to some of y'all in the forums.

[Sally]

Hi Bax,

I want to welcome you to the forums.

Would you like to come in and sit down, I'll get you some hot pizza and a glass of iced tea (I used to always have soda pops - but I'm trying to lose some weight and they are just too tempting for me)

It seems like you have a plan of action and going to a gender therapist is the perfect starting point.

I am o glad that you have decided to join us here and I am sure that you will be too.

Welcome to the family, the others will smell the pizza and come by to say hi (take an extra slice - they are almost as hungry as they are friendly)

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Leigh T]

Wow! That is some synopsis. Sounds like you are living in quite a minefield. I think your approach of slow assimilation and evaluation is your best route. There are many sympathetic and understanding ears at this site that will listen to you and if wanted, able to offer up their opinion or advice. You are very welcome here among friends.

Leigh

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Bax

Welcome to Laura's

LUV

Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Bax, and welcome to Laura's. I see that my sister Sally has got you all settled in, so relax and enjoy

your new home!

You needn't worry about labels or where you fall on the gender spectrum. Lots of folks here are or were

confused about things, including myself. Take your time, explain it all to your G.T. when you get started,

and eventually all the pieces will fall into place. It's a long, strange trip, as the song goes.

We are a moderated site, meaning folks like me and Sally look out for the well being of all of our

members, especially the teens, and keep it PG-13. So sometimes you might notice a short delay

in having a post show up. Just SOP.

We are like a family here, and we support each other and look out for each other. It's a great place

to make friends, explore your feelings and ask questions. I hope you enjoy it.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Bax]

Thanks, all! I've set up an appt for Oct 6th. I can't wait (though I'm sure I'll be awfully nervous right before), and I'm really surprised at how soon I could get one; here I was figuring maybe sometime late october or november the earliest.

[Guest Kayliegh]

Hi Bax, and welcome to Laura’s –

I’ve met so many wonderful folks here and I’m sure you will too.

So, sit back, take your shoes off and relax in a big comfy chair and make yourself at home!

Hugs! - Kayleigh

[Guest Amanda joan]

Bax,

Hey Dude.

It's great to have a man around who can communicte as well as you do.

Don't mind if I grab a slice do ya?

This is a great place many people here are traveling the same road as you. We are all glad you are here. Pleae post and ask questions.

I love my GT she has helpped me so much in a short time. The best part is you can ask all those technical questions that you want to know. Like when they do the..... surgery what happens to your.....

I love to talk about the advances in surgery tichnique with her and she gives me tips about finding the things I will need. Mostly she keeps me from runnig off in the wrong direction and going crazy.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Oh here is your introduction

Welcome Bax!!!

Yes, it is me again. Bax, you have the maturity and focus to understand yourself. You are going to be just fine.

Remember, take your time. Take is slow. Everything will work out just great!!!

Love you

Brenda

[Guest InkCloud]

Hey Bax, welcome to the forums! The intro wasn't too long. But I'm a writer as well, so I can relate to the rambling. Haha. Brevity is a foreign concept to a writer.

Hmm, I suck at welcoming people. I do relate, however, to that whole state of mind where I start to think that "hey, maybe I can just bind my chest and that would be enough". I feel like a guy, think like a guy. To me, I am a guy! But then someone reminds me, in one way or another, that I have a female body and it's like having the carpet ripped out from under me. Then there is the whole issue of relationships. Along with being transsexual I'm also gay (as a guy), so that is a huge mess all by itself.

I'm only 19 and have not sought out a therapist yet, for financial reasons alone. I'm horribly broke. But I'm getting more anxious to save some money up and set up an appointment with one. I'm a little nervous about the whole idea of talking to someone about how I feel. But I guess it's unavoidable considering I want T, and am starting to think seriously about surgery in the distant future. I can't get near either one without a therapist. Freaking necessary precautions. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I can't just walk into a hospital and say "I...would like to be a man now!" I'm very impulsive, would have done it a while ago, and undoubtedly would regret doing it spur of the moment. Lol. What is even more nerve wracking is having to tell everyone. Like you, it would change every single relationship I have. So I understand that too. But I suppose it's the same for everyone.

Right. Well, now that I've somehow managed to turn my welcome to you into some spiel about myself, I think I'll end it there.

Anyway, good luck with the therapy session. Hope it goes well!

And you've found a great place here. It's almost become my second home.

Justin

[Guest Bax]

Well, now that I've somehow managed to turn my welcome to you into some spiel about myself, I think I'll end it there.

Don't worry about that with me, though I know what you mean; whenever I start turning someone else's post into something about myself (unless that's like what the post is about), I'm always think "are they going to get mad at me for this?"

Then there is the whole issue of relationships. Along with being transsexual I'm also gay (as a guy), so that is a huge mess all by itself.

Me too, and do I well know what you mean about that! When I first really started figuring out that I really was a guy, I was like--wait! This is *totally* messed up-- why would I go through all this trouble to be a guy when I like guys anyway? Wouldn't it be just logical to just be a girl and be with a guy since that's more "acceptable". So I tried doing that for a while, but it made me feel even worse, like I was living an even worse lie than before. I thought I was like totally messed up and that no one else could ever possibly feel the way I did. That's why it was such a huge relief when I got to forums like this and found out that actually, the way I feel is sort of common (respectively); so yeah, that made me feel that I wasn't totally and completely messed up without any help whatsoever.

I'm a little nervous about the whole idea of talking to someone about how I feel. But I guess it's unavoidable considering I want T, and am starting to think seriously about surgery in the distant future.

I know I'll be nervous as the time approaches, but right now, I feel like it will be a huge weight taken off me once I do; even that little bit that I told that other therapist over the phone--I couldn't believe how much better it made me feel. I really, really, would like to start T, but then there's the whole problem of that I'll more than likely have to tell people once I do that. Gosh, if it weren't for all these relationships, I'd have no second thoughts about wanting to start it. But then I wouldn't be anywhere without those relationships, and I don't want to not have them; its such a dichotomy.

I'm very impulsive, would have done it a while ago, and undoubtedly would regret doing it spur of the moment. Lol. What is even more nerve wracking is having to tell everyone.

On the good days when I don't feel so bad, I'm like so glad I never said anything to anyone about it; but then there's the other days when I just feel so terrible about not saying anything, and I really, really want to, and almost do; its like this awful emotional roller coaster. And I'm sure there will always be those times when I'll regret it if I do end up telling people.

Like you, it would change every single relationship I have.

Yeah, and I'm getting the feeling that my fiance is becoming more and more suspicious; just last evening he asked me why I'm talking more "butch" than usual. I didn't even realize I was doing anything like that. And then thing is, somehow my fiance thinks I'm part-lesbian, probably because I think some women are hot; though I tried telling him again and again that I don't want to *do* anything with them, I just like to look. So, he is always thinking I'm going to leave him for another woman, and I'm pretty sure if I told him I'm a guy, he'd think it's because I want to date other women or something. It's so messed up. He even had a dream last night that I left him and threw my engagement ring in the ocean; so I told him I'd never leave him, I'd always love him, and that he's the only one for me. Gosh, if only words were enough.

Well, that's enough here I suppose! I really must be heading off to work (oh my gosh--last week, the pharmacist I work with for some reason said "Yes, sir" to a statement I said. I was so happy till he was like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that" a few seconds later. I really wanted to tell him, "oh no, but you said the right thing," but I wasn't sure how to handle what would come after that. But it was a really nice feeling at least for a few seconds). Okay, yes, I know--I'm going on and on again. Okay, I'll talk later! And thanks for the welcome, Justin--it's always nice to talk about these things!

[Guest ricka]

Welcome Bax!!!! Like bernii said, you are bright and articulate and you will get it all sorted out for yourself in time, and now you have all of us to talk to and encourage you. Relationships are not easy for anyone. But us transfolk especially need people in our lives who are open, accepting and patient with us and willing to stretch themselves for us----not that doesn't go both ways.

ricka