My God Another Break Through

[Guest mia 1]

I've been telling everyone on the forum, that the first time I cross dressed I was 15 yrs.old.

Well last night lying in bed, dressed in my half slip and my new ever loving thigh highs

I remembered sleeping at my grandma's house,while Mom and Dad were "doin' " a weekend somewhere.

Grandma's spare bed room had this long great 'big' closet.

Being about 6 yrs.old it seemed like it went on for about two blocks.

Well, I was the worlds worst sleeper.

I now remember I woke up and walked into the closet(the middle of the night) and looking at Grandma's clothes, and then taking her dress and putting it on,monstrously big on my tiny body,and then put on a pair of her heels and walked around the closet and then the bedroom.

Another time at Grandma's I went into her dresser drawers and saw her "Grandma" size bra and 'corset' (can you believe that?),and wore those wonderful articles of clothing...

and her shoes once again..

How in the world did these memories come back. Who knows?

Could be my new therapist, my daily diary and my close friend here at the forum,where we talk for hours about our youth.

Lost youth and found youth.

[Guest Natalie92]

I've had memories come back at the most random times. However, they usually tend to be bad memories that I try to repress into the back of my mind (Don't go back there, it's very scary! ) and they make their way back out at bad times. Which makes me wonder... did you ever go through a period between then and now where you were ashamed of dressing in women's clothes? That could be an explaination for a random memory if you did.

Natalie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Mia hon,

Yes, indeed, I have had recovered memories when I realize that I was expressing myself at a very early age. Memories that I did not realize that I even had. For example, quite some time ago, I remembered and posted a shopping trip with my mom back in the 60's when I asked her to buy me a dress. I was very young and I had long forgotton the experience until only recently.

Brenda

[Guest mia 1]

,. Which makes me wonder... did you ever go through a period between then and now where you were ashamed of dressing in women's clothes? That could be an explaination for a random memory if you did.

]

In a word in my lifetime...... YES!

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Feeling shame? Gosh, I have only stopped feeling ashamed a few years ago!!!

That is approx 40 years of shame.

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Mia, I too have begun remembering things long forgotten or surpressed since starting therapy.

I am not sure of the reasons, but I am glad for the result.

Self acceptance is a wonderful thing, after living a life in the shadows and shame.

We share that joy together!

Love you, my sister.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ChloëC]

Mia,

You remember an incident at 6. I can remember one at no older than 5 (I asked my mother to make me a dress and she did out of brown paper). I just know now, that it was always there.

I also can't believe that it happens all of a sudden like some kind of catchable disease. No internet, no TV, no friends pushing. To be so specific and precise at that age, understanding completely what was wanted, it was always there. That's where the writers in Ma Vie En Rose got it exactly right for Ludovic.

We know who we are and what we want from early childhood. And the tragic thing is that for so many of us, we were 'taught' that it was wrong, as it was mislabeled, misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and we were made to feel ashamed, to feel guilty. And that, I'm beginning to really understand through reading everyones' stories here, was and still is so wrong.

So, good for you, for learning more about yourself, and bravo, for embracing it as you have done, and enjoying life. Being happy with oneself is such a wonderful thing.

Huggs,

Chloë

[Guest mia 1]

Mia,

You remember an incident at 6. I can remember one at no older than 5 (I asked my mother to make me a dress and she did out of brown paper). I just know now, that it was always there.

I also can't believe that it happens all of a sudden like some kind of catchable disease. No internet, no TV, no friends pushing. To be so specific and precise at that age, understanding completely what was wanted, it was always there. That's where the writers in Ma Vie En Rose got it exactly right for Ludovic.

We know who we are and what we want from early childhood. And the tragic thing is that for so many of us, we were 'taught' that it was wrong, as it was mislabeled, misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and we were made to feel ashamed, to feel guilty. And that, I'm beginning to really understand through reading everyones' stories here, was and still is so wrong.

So, good for you, for learning more about yourself, and bravo, for embracing it as you have done, and enjoying life. Being happy with oneself is such a wonderful thing.

Huggs,

Chloë

Well said. Yeah how come we are that way,,no given path..no compass, we just found our way..Chloe you are amazing..now I have tears in my eyes.....you are wonderful...

Thank you my sister,, your sister Mia

[Guest Robin Winter]

I used to wear my sisters nightgowns when I was 3 or 4, but I seem to recall mom only let me when dad wasn't home. He made a big fuss over it at one point, I think.

In my very early teens,, maybe even 11 or 12, we were staying at my grandparents place for a few days, and I was staying in my aunts old bedroom (she hadn't lived there in ages), and a lot of her old clothes were still in there. I snuck some of them on in the middle of the night. This one I actually forgot about until you mentioned your memory, Mia.

Aaaaand.....when I was maybe 16, I put on my sisters prom dress and heels while she was out God I loved that dress....

[Guest Emily H]

Yes, I am not that old, I but I remembered somewhat recently I used to pretend I had breasts, this was about six yars or more ago, I would just put something in the front of my shirt and pretend I had breasts, this was before I ever started dressing.

~Andrea

[Guest rachael1]

I was talking to a friend the other day about this very topic.

We were amazed at how many memories have started coming back after awakening from years of suppressing our TG natures.

She was going to make a post about this but it looks like you have pipped her at the post Mia, hahah

Love

Rachael

[Guest brenda lee]

I've been telling everyone on the forum, that the first time I cross dressed I was 15 yrs.old.

Well last night lying in bed, dressed in my half slip and my new ever loving thigh highs

I remembered sleeping at my grandma's house,while Mom and Dad were "doin' " a weekend somewhere.

Grandma's spare bed room had this long great 'big' closet.

Being about 6 yrs.old it seemed like it went on for about two blocks.

Well, I was the worlds worst sleeper.

I now remember I woke up and walked into the closet(the middle of the night) and looking at Grandma's clothes, and then taking her dress and putting it on,monstrously big on my tiny body,and then put on a pair of her heels and walked around the closet and then the bedroom.

Another time at Grandma's I went into her dresser drawers and saw her "Grandma" size bra and 'corset' (can you believe that?),and wore those wonderful articles of clothing...

and her shoes once again..

How in the world did these memories come back. Who knows?

Could be my new therapist, my daily diary and my close friend here at the forum,where we talk for hours about our youth.

Lost youth and found youth.

Mia1, Sweetie ,I am glad to hear that you have some wonderful memories , I too have those to fall back on at times . LOL Brenda Lee

[Guest nymphblossom]

Memories, they have flooded back like a tidal wave. Mostly snippets of my childhood years, trivia like toys, TV shows and pleasant things that make me smile. And the bad . The terrible fight I had in 9th grade because a boy kept calling me a sweetheart; the homosexual-sissy cajoling about playing with my spaceman dolls; the incessant teasing about the way I walked and having my books tipped out of my arms because I carried them like a girl; the daily sweetheart notes stuffed in my locker; the mocking that my book bag was purse, the endless jokes that I should be on the girls’ team in gym.

And then I locked my female self so far away I didn't even remember it.

Blossom

[Paula ult]

It was not till i started therapy did lots and lots of memories came trickling back, i would wake up around 4:00am with something i remembered and would write them down. When i was 5 - 6 i polished my toes with my grandmothers nail polish then wore my moms flip flops around, of course i got caught but do not remember what happened. Playing jump rope and games with the neighbor girl that was the same age as me till other boys started making fun of me. Laying in bed and wishing if i said i wish i was a girl 3 times it would happen, of course it never did but after remembering this i completely accepted my self and i knew transition was the right thing for me as did my therapist.

Paula

[Guest jaymie]

I seem to have these "moments" more and more lately, since I have began expressing myself here. It is very clear to me that Jaymie has always been a part (a VERY large part) of who I am...I am curious, that had I been brought up in this era, where slowly, some parents are begining to make the right choices for their children and allowing them to live their lives appropriately in the correct gender, she MIGHT have even been nurtured from a young age and that MAYBE I would be living as a woman (can't change the past though...unfortunately ). I remember many times when my mom would paint my nails, have me model dresses she would make for my cousins (I LOVED THAT!) and allow me to keep the dress on, wearing my mom's shoes, "playing" with her makeup, looking around in her underwear drawer (just because more than anything I wish I had panties and that one day I would wear a bra) sneaking on a nightie when I could. My mom was cool with me doing "girly" things, I now know when I was born she had hoped for a girl...little does she know she has one...it makes me wonder if she would be o.k. with me if I came out (o.k. i'm getting off topic now). I remember at a very young age after a "you show me yours and i'll show you mine" moment with my cousin that I wondered why I wasn't like her...I felt at that moment that i was totally wrong, I thought to myself "she looks correct" and that I did not. It actually made me sad, I remember that right after that I began tucking (I knew I started tucking young but had forgotten why/how I started), thinking that would make me a girl...praying to wakeup as a girl! I have recently recalled that one of my favorite "toys" was a doll (I would pretend I was the doll's "mommy") another of my favorite toys was a tea set that I begged to have. I now remember being young and sleeping over with a couple of the neighbourhood girls a few years older than me in a tent in their back yard (it just seemed like it was completely natural, like I was one of the girls) they would dress me up and we did my makeup...in fact they often did my makeup and believe me i was more than "cool' with that . I would always look through the girls section and later the women's section of catalogs...hoping...wishing that one day those clothes etc. would be mine! I guess i've rambled on and on and on for long enough already but these are just a few things that I have remembered...a few things that I have had moments of clarity about since I have found this outlet to be me.

[Guest ChloëC]

I'm finding it, oh, I don't know, sort of strange reading all these memories that people here are able to recall. Whether's it fortuanate or unfortunate, I really don't know, I have all my memories, all the time. I can remember quite clearly to Halloween when I was 3 1/2, my 4th birthday, lots of events from just before 4 to just after, when we moved to the house we were in when I started school, and there I'm overloaded with memories.

jaymie brought up something I've thought about for a long time, but am very unsure. My mother was a second child, like I am, and as such always felt that #1 got more, was more appreciated, etc. (an older sister!). As much as I admire my mother besides all the love, that is the only quibble I have. I understand being #2, and sometimes, that's what it is.

Her older sister married first, had a boy first (named Jr. after Dad) and then had a girl. So my mother's first child was a boy, named x x x III, after our father x x x II, and great-grandfather, x x x I. So I really think that when she was pregnant with me, she hoped and pretty much assumed it would be a girl. When I came out, I don't think she was, oh, greatly disappointed, but still....She loves us all, I know that, and I return it as I can (she lives 250 miles away).

So, when I'm 4 or 5 and I ask her if I can have a dress and she makes one for me, is she responding to that need? (by that time my younger brother was born and he was about 6 mos., so did she really miss a girl by then?) Dr. Spock was just making his move, and I think he was recommending letting children explore, to a point. Was it that?

Or was it that my father, her husband, had died accidently just a short time before, and she was just going through the motions. I don't know.

But I do know that being here on Laura's Playground, even though I feel very comfortable with where I am, I am now getting up the courage to sit down with her and talk about all of this. I need to know, I understand that now. I guess the next step is to see if she is willing to know. She is approaching 90, so it may not be something she wants to deal with anymore. So, I'll take it from there.

Chloë

[Guest ParalyzedCD]

i was similar because i started with grandma's clothes. i stayed at her house when dad worked at nght. she kept her extra shoes in the bedroom i stayed in. i would take every chance i had to slip 'em...although they didn't ft because i was 4 or 5.