Repercussions Of Telling Your Spouse

[Guest ChloëC]

Well, for my first new topic, I'm going with a real heavy one.

I didn't tell my first wife that I had proclivities/desires to cross dress, and I cannot tell you (or anyone else) exactly how happy and relieved I am now, that I didn't. I hoped our divorce (after 6 years) would be amicable, but it wasn't by a long shot. My current wife having met her (in several different circumstances) believes she is bi-polar, and that may be true. I don't know. If my ex had known, I have no doubt she would have used it against me as much as possible; because she used everything else she could possibly think of.

Which is why I was very apprehensive when I told my wife within our first year of marriage (now past 30). I wanted to be honest with her, yet, I knew that I was providing very intimate and deadly ammo if our marriage ever disintegrated.

She has continously reassured (without any prompting) me that no matter what she would never use it against me. Yet, having gone through a bitter divorce (and child custody, which I eventually won, and everyone! (except 1) agrees it was for the better for my child), I know that there is always the possibility when a relationship ends, that it can end bitterly and what would ever prevent the 'aggrieved' spouse from using it, if he/she thought it could sway a settlement. Or worse, exact some kind of revenge for years of built up feelings of 'wrongs'.

I understand and have seen in others, that some people going through that, need some kind of reassurance that they aren't to blame, and finding great fault with the other often provides for a victory, which is often really hollow.

So, my question here is, (and other tg people are welcome to join in), do others have this concern (or similar), and are there any situations that it may not be in best interests to tell?

Chloë

[Guest Kayliegh]

Hi, Chloë –

I’ve not told my SO yet, although I’ve been wanting to. My GT has told me that I’m not ready yet and I’m “going by the book”, so to speak.

I know that I will, after the holidays, and I’m very apprehensive about it. I’ve wanted to tell her for months now, but have been listening to my GT and will when she feels the time is right.

I have to admit, I’m tired of the lies and the waiting – I just want to let her know all about me now!

Hugs! - Kayleigh

[Carolyn Marie]

Chloe, this is a very important topic. Thank you.

As you know, I recently came out to my wife. I have a 16 year old son. His age limits the amount of "damage"

the information about me would have should our marriage end (which of course I hope does not). That

said, I can understand why it would be a concern.

Every situation is unique, and there can not be any one set of guidelines on whether to come out or not.

Honesty is probably best, and is usually what I recommend, but I certainly appreciate the angst that it

creates, having experienced it myself.

Since few of us can ever hope to put the genie back in the bottle, assuming we would want to (and most

don't want to), then a decision on coming out is almost inevitable. All you can do is be as sensitive and

supportive as you can, and hope for the best. I think Laura has mentioned in one of her SO Support Forum

pieces that most marriages of CDers do not end in divorce. I hope that is true, and should give support to

those who are in the situation you faced.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest rachael1]

Hi Chloë,

I had suppressed my transgendered nature for all of my adult life and when I had my awakening I had no alternative but to come out to my wife because I couldn't keep it bottled up inside. I had to tell her as I needed to express myself and and commence on this journey to who knows where?

It crossed my mind that she could use this against me some time in the future if our marriage went south and we ended up in divorce courts.

This was only fleeting however as I love my wife dearly and I was in it for the long haul, I think if I felt this to be an issue than that would mean I no longer trusted her or doubted that our marriage would last. To me this is similar to a pre-nuptial; why would you marry someone if you had any doubts about them or whether it would last.

Rachael

[Guest ChloëC]

rachael,

I didn't not tell my ex because I was afraid of what she might do if we ever divorced. At that age, I still thought I could successfully suppress my feelings and perhaps the 'love of a good woman' would help. Which I now suspect is a very common either misconception or denial. Which is why being older and wiser, I came out to my wife when I did.

As I said, I was lucky in a way. The end of my first marriage was not about my desires, it was about our emotional relationship and financial situation. The physical part btw was the last to go.

Now that I look back, I have to say they were the right decisions. My life would have been and still be h***, if my ex had known.

Yet, I do see it from both sides. Honesty has to be there from the start in a marriage, yet this is still such a delicate situation we're in. I can see as information gets out that it is being more accepted, but I also suspect that in today's economic and political climate, that outing people when they really aren't ready can have devastating consequences. (and back in the 70's even more so!)

So, that's why I'm asking the questions. Because it is something we have faced or will have to someday.

Huggs

Chloë

[Guest rachael1]

rachael,

I didn't not tell my ex because I was afraid of what she might do if we ever divorced. At that age, I still thought I could successfully suppress my feelings and perhaps the 'love of a good woman' would help. Which I now suspect is a very common either misconception or denial. Which is why being older and wiser, I came out to my wife when I did.

Huggs

Chloë

Hi Chloë,

I think that each of us knows whether we can trust our SOs with our deepest secrets and whether or not they can handle it.

You were right about your first wife so you wisely kept it from her and yet loved and trusted your second wife enough to tell her.

I knew my wife would react badly initially but would eventually adust and happily for me this is how it turned out, either way I didn't have a choice with coming out as it was tearing me apart.

Hi Chloe,

I told my wife about a month ago. I was like Rachael, supressed for my entire life. Over the last two years my TG side grew. When it got to the point that I had to act on it, I told my wife. My wife is bipolar, has had several hospitalizations for her mental illness, so my primary concern was that she would react badly. However, it went well - she was relieved because she'd seen the tension that I was having. And once I reassured her that my feelings for her hadn't changed, she became supportive and our relationship is solid.

I didn't ever worry about her using it against me - first she's not that kind of person, and secondly, I'm not afraid of being outed (would it be easier than outing myself?)

Kat

Hi Kat,

I'm starting to feel the same way; i'm not ready to come out the world but if someone outed me I could live with it.

Rachael

[Sally]

To answer the very simple questions laid out in the first post, yes we all have that fear and the only time it is acceptable to not tell when you have realized that it is a part of who you are is if you are planning on trying to go against your true nature and give it up - but then one day you will be right back here asking the same questions.

You do need to tell them and if they leave you will actually be better off.

I know that I am.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest mia 1]

Well, for my first new topic, I'm going with a real heavy one.

I didn't tell my first wife that I had proclivities/desires to cross dress, and I cannot tell you (or anyone else) exactly how happy and relieved I am now, that I didn't. I hoped our divorce (after 6 years) would be amicable, but it wasn't by a long shot. My current wife having met her (in several different circumstances) believes she is bi-polar, and that may be true. I don't know. If my ex had known, I have no doubt she would have used it against me as much as possible; because she used everything else she could possibly think of.

Which is why I was very apprehensive when I told my wife within our first year of marriage (now past 30). I wanted to be honest with her, yet, I knew that I was providing very intimate and deadly ammo if our marriage ever disintegrated.

She has continuously reassured (without any prompting) me that no matter what she would never use it against me. Yet, having gone through a bitter divorce (and child custody, which I eventually won, and everyone! (except 1) agrees it was for the better for my child), I know that there is always the possibility when a relationship ends, that it can end bitterly and what would ever prevent the 'aggrieved' spouse from using it, if he/she thought it could sway a settlement. Or worse, exact some kind of revenge for years of built up feelings of 'wrongs'.

I understand and have seen in others, that some people going through that, need some kind of reassurance that they aren't to blame, and finding great fault with the other often provides for a victory, which is often really hollow.

So, my question here is, (and other tg people are welcome to join in), do others have this concern (or similar), and are there any situations that it may not be in best interests to tell?

Chloë

My god absolutely. I had those same concerns about my ex bi-polar wife of five years and was worried about a child custody case. The ex found out about me when she went to look for pantie hose and couldn't find them. I had naively used them and paid the consequences.

My wife knows the entire story of my cross dressing, and gender dysphoria.

I had just come out to her last November. I had suppressed my real self for nearly 19 yrs. so it is still fresh in her mind and we work through of who I am regularly and sometimes with pain and tears.....

Sound familiar to every one.....

What a true sisterhood we have......

[Guest Danielle2]

rachael,

I didn't not tell my ex because I was afraid of what she might do if we ever divorced. At that age, I still thought I could successfully suppress my feelings and perhaps the 'love of a good woman' would help. Which I now suspect is a very common either misconception or denial. Which is why being older and wiser, I came out to my wife when I did.

As I said, I was lucky in a way. The end of my first marriage was not about my desires, it was about our emotional relationship and financial situation. The physical part btw was the last to go.

I too thought that I could suppress my feelings after meeting my wife. I dated quite a bit when I was younger and single, and when I found my wife, I knew she was "the one." Now, after roughly a decade of marriage, every part of my relationship is great....except for one. You mentioned that the physical part of your marriage was the last to go. I am in exactly the opposite situation. My wife has all but lost her sex drive. She rarely even wants to touch me. Simple things like trying to hold her hand or snuggle up on the couch only causes grief. She says, "Do you have to be all over me?" or "I just want to sit here. Is that alright?" She doesn't try to ignore me. She has had some medical issues and just hasn't been the same woman the past few years. She gets tired easily and can become irritated over the littlest things. When this happens, our sex life becomes non-existent.

This brings me to a thought.....I have come to notice that my urges and desires to become Danielle have been the strongest over the years when my wife falls into these unfortunate spells. It almost seems as if Danielle becomes the woman in my life in order to fill the void that is left from my wife. Has anyone else noticed this in their own relationships? When my wife is healthy and happy, our physical relationship thrives. During these times, Danielle is basically on permanent vacation. On the flip side however, we have gone as long as nine months in certain stretches where, not only have we not made love, but their is no physical intimacy whatsoever. It is during these times when Danielle is kicking down the door and trying to get out!

I also feel that telling my wife about Danielle and coming out to her is a very bad idea, indeed. She has a distance relative who is also a cross-dresser. He recently came out and is now living as a woman 100% of the time. Her first outing in public was at a family function where things did not go well at all. She has been tormented and banned from the family to say the least. She lost her wife, her kids, her home, her friends, and her job. With that said,.....I love my job, I love my children (whom are still quite young, might I add), and I do still love my wife. I'm in a similar situation as many of us are.....Dying to be who we really are and who we want so desperately to be, yet scared to death that we will lose most of what we cherish most in this world. But I can't seem to stop thinking about what I stated earlier about the possibility of Danielle filling the void when things just aren't the way I would like them to be. So I ask of you all again....

Do any of you tend to feel the urge to dress more often when the intimacy in the bedroom declines?

I look forward to reading your responses!

Love,

Danielle

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Danielle,

I had to think and consider some things after reading your post, because it has touched on some issues I have thought heavily about - as well as worried about - over my two marriages.

Basically is there some kind of correlation between being satisified in my marriage and succombing to my desires. To consider this is to accept several 'truths' that seem uncomfortable at best, and devastating at worst. Can my cross-dressing desires be a refuge for emotional release when I am being stressed by my relationship with my spouse? Is it fair to my spouse and my marriage to retreat into myself for comfort? Am I using it as my own crutch?

I thought that was a very distinct possibility as my first marriage ended and over the course of the next several years I was single, and into the early stages of my second marriage. I felt even more guilty about my desire and acting on it. All these considerations were probably among the several reasons I decided (against all the fears I/we have) to come out to my wife. Because I wanted to make sure my desires were in the open.

And when I did, and continued to dress - not too often, and usually not together - I came to the understanding (tho some could say rationalization, but I will disagree vehemently) that my dressing was for my own emotional release having little if anything to do with how I related to my wife. (both wives, actually). And we have been married over 30 years, two children, and I would hope a fairly satisfactory relationship, physical, emotional, sexual.

The only difference was that there was more 'opportunity' to dress as the first marriage ended. The desire itself didn't change. And it never has.

I can't speak for everyone or suggest this may be what you're going through, Danielle.

Cross-dressing gives me a release from stress. The stress may change and may be different over time, but this release (among others, I should say) is fairly powerful. But...it comes and goes, as I've related in some of the other threads, and sometimes not particularly in reaction to stress. And sometimes, my overcoming stress in my life takes different forms, not related to cross dressing.

So, I'm comfortable (as much as I can be) with my cross-dressing desires. It's mine - tho I have shared it with my spouse at times.

Hope this helps.

Chloë

[Guest nayomi2438]

Chloe,

Come here dear and let me give you a hug.

I wish I could say that I can in some way relate to your past, I can't. My wife and I have known each other since 1966 (2nd grade). She was a rotten little girl and always poked me because I was chubby. I would pull her pony tails which invariably got me in trouble by the big bad penguins at the Catholic school we attended. Later in life I felt an urge to get some revenge by making her life miserable so I asked her to marry me.

It turns out I really love her and became great friends but it took 25 years before I revealed the truth about myself to her. In all those years I feared that she would use my desires against me. Even now after 31 years, if anything were to happen that might lead to a legal separation, I occasionally think of that little devil sitting on her shoulder telling her to out me. I am confident that our relationship is strong enough to not have to worry about that now but it sometimes comes up in a thought.

You know your relationship and must consider that aspect of your life. At some point you will need to trust someone if you want to be truly happy. I only hope that someone is the person you share your life with. The decision rests between you two. Professional counseling may be of benefit (you don't need to bring up this issue) just to establish a baseline for your relationship that may give you the confidence you need to trust her.

Take your time. The very questions shows a desire to work this out but you need to understand you need to take baby steps. This seems to be the right place for that.

Another big hug.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi, nayomi,

Thanks for the hug(s)!!!

After reading your response above several times, I'm not sure if in you're post you're responding to me or to Danielle. Just to make sure, I've been married twice, once for 6 years, and now for over 31. My ex- never knew, but I came out to my (current) wife in the first several months of our marriage. So she has known for almost 31 years. I don't think my above post made that entirely clear (lots of others have, but it would take a mind reader to find them all!)

Because of the two different actions I took, but still having the fear of what may happen should our marriage turn really bad - which the first did and why I have this lingering fear - I was wondering what others felt as they faced that decision and what would prompt different responses.

So, my wife knows for better or worse and even though she has re-stated numerous times that she would never use it against me, I also know what a very bitter divorce is all about and how some (could be either husband or wife) get to the point of wanting to hurt the other really badly regardless of the costs. And the outing of a cross-dresser would more than meet the needs of a rage like that...for a moment. So, telling may not always be the best thing, but it's still probably the right thing.

Oh, if the post is to Danielle, then that's really good, and she deserves a couple of hugs too!

Hugs to you,

Chloë

[Guest Emeraude]

Chloe:

To answer your questions, I don't have the same concern about my wife. First, she doesn't have that sort of mentality, to use a secret as a weapon. Even more importantly, she wants to keep my cross-dressing a secret from our children, and outing me would go contrary to that plan.

Are there situations where you should continue to hide your female needs and activities? I would say, only if you are sure you can be successful in keeping them secret. I can tell you that it was far worse when my wife accidentally discovered my cross-dressing after 25 years of marriage! On top of all the issues about my female side, were added the issues of secrecy and honesty--not a good combination! I can't see how anyone in a marriage can realistically hope to keep something like this hidden from their wife forever, unless they suppress it altogether and don't express their femininity in any way, even in secret. In my view, since being outed is inevitable, you might as well choose your own time and place and manner of telling her. I certainly wish I had.

Danielle and Chloe: On the relationship between my cross-dressing urges and my relationship with my wife--I've gone through very much the same thought process. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be the woman I would like my wife to be more like. I dress younger and sexier than she does. I realize that I used to buy her clothes that I would like to see on her--or on me! Now, I'm buying those clothes directly for myself (and I inherited a few of those other dresses from my wife)! However, I also often find that Emeraude wants to get dressed up even when my wife and I are being particularly close and loving. (Like a morning after we've made love and I get up and want to put on a skirt and heels!) I suspect there's not much of a direct correlation, after all, more of an additional element.

It's all part of the great mystery, I guess.

--Emeraude

[Guest Roberta1]

Wow! Lots of emotion on this one! Forbetterorworse means honesty is usually, strike that, always the best policy, period, no ifs, ands, ors,

buts.

It is my understanding that we all start out in the feminine in the womb, so I don't know where the masculine myth came from. On the other

hand GG's get away with murder when it comes to the issues we MTF's have to endure.

Not one of us hasn't agonized over what/how to tell the SO. I guess that you can only hope that when it is that special day the gift box you

open has some intimate, frilly thing in it. Wouldn't that be a HOOT?

Sincerely, Robert(a)1

[Guest Krystyna_Marie]

This is an interesting observation only, not a criticism, but interesting that so many of us have actively hidden this side of ourselves from our SOs, ChloeC told current spouse only after several months into the marriage, and not while they courted. If I ever were to move on to wife #__, I would want crystal clear out of the box the "duality of me".

I hid this for about 2 years, before my wife found some of my fancy undies in my dresser, and I had to tell her the whole truth when she wanted to know what woman had left those at our house (!!!!) My telling my wife the whole truth about me, and she being initially supportive, versus me trying to live openly in my home now that she knows, have turned out to be two separate issues entirely however. Even when things have been bad before, I never really gave separation a second thought because I love her, and I don't want to quit this if there's something there to save, but there've been signs lately that suggest to me that she doesn't now see me as the "me" that she thought she knew and loved. She is not where I'm at yet, and it will remain to be seen whether she can get past this - it's day by day. I was feeling similar tremors before she ever found out I CD, so there's not a direct correlation so much, as there is a sense that the person with the problem may not be me (who's actually been feeling pretty good herself(!) lately in spite of the bad karma floating around all up in here - I feel like I've had an awakening at 42 where I've started to live my life as I am and as I wish - you have to start sometime, is my thought).

Kisses, KM

[Guest Roberta1]

This is an interesting observation only, not a criticism, but interesting that so many of us have actively hidden this side of ourselves from our SOs, ChloeC told current spouse only after several months into the marriage, and not while they courted. If I ever were to move on to wife #__, I would want crystal clear out of the box the "duality of me".

Now we see the double edged sword of our society coming upon us. Females, God bless'em want a "knight in shining armor" to keep and protect them, Males, God____'em want

only to pshaw any other male who shows a bit of the feminine. It is like some cruel game called catch 22. If you have outdoor plumbing, you better be built like the preverbial

brick _____house. (physically, mentally, sexually...) We are not, as children, properly educated, that is: Yes there are not only other colors, languages, beliefs, but that there

many inconsistancies in process of reproduction. O.M. Gosh, is it possible that God makes mistakes? Some that we have no control over. The hors-moan!!! Sorry, this could get

"political" and/or "religious" (sp?) quicker than I could slip into an elastic waistband skirt. Actually, I think this could turn into an interesting "Topic" but off my soapbox...

Sincerely, Robert(a)1

[Guest ChloëC]

I suppose I could make a little decision chart here

Don't tell spouse --> never finds out, marriage continues, (but your stress level remains high)

Don't tell spouse --> finds out, can't deal with it, marriage crumbles

---------------marriage crumbles --> doesn't tell others, future is not as bleak

---------------marriage crumbles --> uses it against you, future is very bleak

Don't tell spouse --> finds out, after some discussion (short or lengthy), can deal with it and marriage is saved but is changed

Tell spouse --> can't deal with, marriage crumbles

--------------marriage crumbles --> doesn't tell others, future is not as bleak

--------------marriage crumbles --> uses it against you, future is very bleak

Tell spouse --> after some discussion (short or lengthy), can deal with it and marriage is saved, etc

I hate to say it, but just looking at (all other things being equal) the decision/outcomes (and, yes, I know, a lot more gets involved, but a marriage/relationship either makes it or doesn't), it looks like from not telling one's spouse, there is a 66% chance the marriage continues. With telling your spouse, it goes down to 50%.

Because, really, people, we are dealing with other humans, and even though one can really get to know one's spouse over years (or sometimes right away), there are some occurrences in life where the response just can't be known or predicted.

And that's part of the reason I feel that even though it is important to tell one's spouse, the odds just are not that good that a relationship will survive, so one really has to be strong to do it...and understand upon doing so, that one might need to be prepared for the worst.

Of course, if you decide to tell, what should be the timing?

Some here say, early in the relationship before vows are taken, others have waited until afterwards.

I guess I waited because - having been through a previous marriage and coming out with some bits of knowledge on what makes it work and what may not - I know that I was going to be faithful and loving and caring and supportive of my spouse, and I wanted her to see all that. And our courtship was actually rather quick, 3-4 months tops. (remember we've been married now 31 years). I wanted to make sure I had some feeling about how she might respond. Yet, I knew it was a chance, and it could have gone all wrong.

I told her on a weekend vacation trip, away from home, no children (my one from the prevous marriage), no other hassles, no 'stash' to be dragged out and displayed. We could just talk about it. That worked for us.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest AlexiThink]

I'm sorry if this thread was not open for SO's. I just thought a fresh perspective might be helpful.

As a spouse myself, I can tell you that if my wife had not told me, if she had kept it a secret until we were serious in our relationship, I would have felt hurt, and betrayed, and it would have been very difficult for me to stay with her.

Because I knew before we entered into the relationship, it was never an issue.

If you try to think about it from the other side, your spouse has been sharing his or her whole self with you, trusting you completely with every part of them, and expecting that you have been doing the same. And then when you reveal that there is a part of you which you purposely hid because you didn't trust your spouse to be able to deal with it (although you are understandably doing it to protect yourself from emotional pain) ... that hurts. It would be the same with any big lie.

It would be better to lay all of the cards out on the table before you get into a serious relationship. That way, if your SO can't deal with who you are, you'll know they aren't meant for you. And if they accept you from the get-go, then you can build your relationship on mutual trust and openness. Which seems much healthier to me.

[Guest Roberta1]

I'm sorry if this thread was not open for SO's. I just thought a fresh perspective might be helpful.

As a spouse myself, I can tell you that if my wife had not told me, if she had kept it a secret until we were serious in our relationship, I would have felt hurt, and betrayed, and it would have been very difficult for me to stay with her.

Because I knew before we entered into the relationship, it was never an issue.

Amen, brother, and right on. I admire your style. OTOH, Chloe presents a completely logical choice because of her situation. Yes, dealing with people is the most dificult

thing I can imagine, because, no matter what you want someone to do/think, they will do/think what they want. ie: Hi, mom, i'm going to join the Army so I can jump out of

perfectly good airplanes... Immediate response: (the sound of sucking air) then: Oh no, my little girl wants bad things to happen.

Well, maybe not the best of similies, certainly one that plays out occasionly. BTW, I really enjoy when SO's join in. Makes for fresh viewpoints.

Sincerely, Robert(a)1