That’s What Friends Are For…

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora,

Well since some members here have been talking about ‘friends’, {Donna Jean and her long lost friend being one of them} I just thought it would be nice to share what it means for trans-people to ‘really’ have friends…

I guess this thread would mostly apply to those who are ‘out’ but all are welcome to comment on their ‘friends’-Some may just ‘feel’ that certain friends are going to accept them no matter what-Other may feel certain friends are not…One will only know who their ‘real’ friends are only in their time of need….

So here goes…

When I finally left the closet for good, this meant everyone who thought they knew ‘me’, now [if they so chose] had to get to know ‘me’ again…I can honestly say that I only had one ‘friend’ whom I found[after he severed our friendship after receiving my coming out letter] 'Steve' was a friend in name but not in nature, -he slammed the closet door back in my face…He was the ‘friend’ who traveled to Australia with me way back in 1969 we had maintained contact over the years[by letters and Christmas cards]…

The others that I called ‘friends had taken my coming out in their stride-some joked about it[which is part and parcel of how some people handle change] but I still had their ‘respect’ and I guess one could say ‘acceptance’-even though most didn’t quite know what to make of the whole transgender thing that is, they knew about people wanting to have a ‘sex change’ but didn’t know the ins and outs of it all…Andy & Sina on the other hand had opened their hearts and their homes to me…Offering me a place to stay when I lost my job-they helped me to get back on my feet again…I’ve known Andy for 40 years and Sina for almost 30…

Another good friend ‘John’ who now lives back in the UK, when I told him, the first thing he said[which is typical of his sense of humor] was “ When I come to visit you can I feel your tiits!” which cracked me up no end -Sadly has it often happens, I’ve lost contact with John, he and his wife move around quite a bit…

I also have a dear friend whom I went to both primary and high school with ‘Denis’, he was over the moon when my sister told him of my transition-He got my phone number off my sister and rang me the next day, he told me that when my sister told him, he was so excited he couldn’t sleep-now he could openly talk to somebody about who he really was, he’s ‘gay’ and as been living with his ‘life’ partner for over thirty years…Denis has always been a close friend of my family back in the UK, but even though most of us had guessed his sexual orientation, he had stayed in the closet preferring to kept his sexuality a secret…

Having somebody to confide in who won’t judge you “That’s what friends are for!”

Anyway enough of me and my friends, how about you what have your ‘friends’ been like? Are they still ‘friends’ ? Will they still be friends ?

Want to know what's ironic???-back when I lived in Sydney[this was the early 1980s] I work with Steve for a big pest management company, one of the office staff was 'transsexual' she was very passible [ transitioned quite young -I think she must have been in her early twenties when I first met her] , sadly as usual gossip tends to spread that's how I got to know of her 'transsexual' past- well irony of irony 'Steve' slept with her...

Metta Jendar

[Guest Donna Jean]

Jendar....

Honey, that was truly heart warming!

You know, when we hear all of the caveats about transitioning and what we're going to lose...we need to understand that it's not the rule of law....there're warnings...

But, there are lots of beautiful things that do happen, too....like with friends...

You would have to hope that if you were in a terrible accident and disfigured, a true friend wouldn't abandon you...you would still be you...

Some find reasons to leave you...maybe their own insecurities or prejudices...

My friend, that you mentioned, promised to stick with me during my transition and said he wanted to be counted as "Still Standing" when I got to the end of all of this...

True friendships are to be valued and nourished...they grow...

Look at how well Paula is doing with keeping her friends after coming out....

I think that , as far as friends are concerned, transitioning is what separates the wheat from the chaff.....

You can always make new friends...but, it's the ones that stick with you that are the treasures....

Huggs!

Donna Jean

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora DJ,

It is heart warming to know that a friend in name is truely a freind in nature...They say that 'blood [family] is thicker than water[friends and strangers], but for many trans-people this is not the case-when they are thirsty and in need of a drink [ understanding and acceptance] it's water that quenches this thirst...

I'm happy that your muso friend's a 'friend'-if you play together you stay together - That's true 'harmony'

Metta Jendar

[Sally]

Sadly I don't have very many true friends, I think of three and one of them has moved to Seattle.

For the most part I have had users, people that act like friends when they need something and disappear if you need them.

That is why I find myself alone now.

Donna Jean mentioned staying with someone after a disfiguring accident - my sister was in a car crash that sent her through the windsheild just about six months before her wedding, her fiance was living 5 states away at the time and when he called he never asked how she looked only how she felt.

My ex, lost a finger in a work related accident and I not only stayed with her (even through all of her violent out bursts from her emotional disorders) but when it no longer hurt, I held that hand when we were in the car, just like I had before - I never felt any differently.

But like so many others in mylife she left when I told her about myself - one way caring is my life story.

I have had more offers of comfort and support from all of the little black letters on a white screen here at Laura's than I have gotten from my own family.

I have always known what it was to be a friend but until I got to Laura's I never knew what it was like to have a friend.

Sorry, but this is just not a very up and cheery topic for me.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Sally,

I'm sorry to hear that, but and it's a big 'BUT', the vast majority of Laura's members are your friends and quite recently you have met two in perso...You might have not had real friends in the past, but it's NOW what counts and you girl have bundles of genuine down to earth friends...

I know at times I'm a pain in the butt-but[excuse the pun] I'm your friend[whether you like it or not] and with friends like me who needs enemies...

Metta Jendar

PS Sorry for the slip of the finger DJ I almost wrote fiends=A cruel wicked and inhuman person- instead of friends[or was that just my subconscious expressing my warped sense of humour]luckily I did add an 'r'...

[Sally]

Thanks Jendar, and I do consider you a friend.

All of the poeple here are the black dots on a white screen - my true friends.

I love all of you,

Sally

[Guest angie]

Let me tell you about my friend Buck(real name Richard)

He is a man that I met ,oh twenty three years ago.I had known him about

a week.When he said to me,"You know,I like you,I don't know why I like you,

but I do.And you are going to be my friend." He and his son became like family,

in fact he called me brother.Lived with my wife and I on and off for years,he

would move away,but always got back in contact somehow.We went to nudie

bars,preformed on stage,acted as his liasion when he was trying to pick up girls.

Point blank,he is a real friend and honest friend,who knew the old me very well.

When I came out to him,he was moving out of state.So I lost contact for the next

few years.The next time I saw him,I was eight months in transition,living female

100% of the time.He and his girlfriend now wife,were so open and accepting of me.

Rich is a highly intelligent man,more open than I ever figured.He made an observation,

that blew me away."It must have really been hard your whole life to know about her.

And to have suppressed her,all this time.Every decision,every move,every time you

had to make a choice,she was there with you.Having an impact in everything in your life."

That open and honest observation,made me more aware of how right he was,than I

had even admitted to myself.Then they moved to the country,and I lost contact again.

The next time I saw of him,was October of last year.He told me," Dude,I mean chick,I mean

D.... oh he.l,Angie.(lol) After knowing the old you all these years,and how macho and manly

you once were,it took me some time to get used to the real you." Then he hugged me

and kissed me on the neck.I am welcome at his house,his daughter only knows Angie,

and these fine people are my only true friends from my past life.But what wonderful friends

they are.And I am blessed to have them in my life,proud to call Richard my friend and brother.

Lucky Girl,

Angelique Michelle

[Guest Edu]

Anyway enough of me and my friends, how about you what have your 'friends' been like? Are they still 'friends' ? Will they still be friends ?

What does "friend" mean? I had spent most of my life hiding from everything, including myself.

For too many years (despite I'm quite young) I simply didn't trust anyone, not even my closest family... not even myself.

Fortunately, things changed a bit some years ago. Even before I was able to understand and accept my gender issues, I managed to open myself to some people. Among those, there are at least three people who have proven to be real friends "beyond any reasonable doubt". These are the only people (besides close relatives), until now, I have come out to: they have some trouble understanding the nature of the issue (it's a complex thing, and my lack of experience on sharing my feelings and opening my heart to others doesn't help too much when explaining something like that, so they are not to blame), but they are entirely supportive and accepting.

There are a few people that will soon go through the "real friendship test", and I'm glad this whole issue will reveal who are really my friends. I may lose some people on the path, but how much worth would be keeping them? I can cope with someone not being able to understand something like this (it's not easy to understand for most cisgender people, and I can be quite bad at explaining anything that can't be quantified or encoded as computer code ^^; ), but I expect that those who are really my friends will, at least, try to understand, and respect it.

The first person I came out to was my girlfriend. Definitely, the most complex case. She's made an effort to separate her feelings as a partner and as a friend. That's not an easy task, and she's put a lot of effort on it. From the "friend" perspective, she's quite worried about me trying to go to fast through this. I'll admit that I often feel frustrated from not being able to speed up things a bit (for example, I have been going to therapy for roughly have year and my impression is that I have made zero progress with it); but I'm sane enough to understand that things must take their pace.

Shortly after I came out to her, she was speaking with a common friend (whom I have considered my best friend for several years). He easily noticed (even through the phone) that she was quite upset, and at the end she told him (however she could), and he panicked . I hadn't done a very good job in explaining her the issue, and she paraphrasing my less-than-optimal explanations didn't help that friend to get an accurate idea of what was going on... It took nearly an hour over messenger and a heavy introspection effort on my part to calm him down (he was convinced I was planning to get into SRS ASAP, despite I'm not even sure if I'll ever reach that step; and he had heard too many stories of trans people relying on prostitution to save for their surgeries, so his initial panic was quite justified). It's been several months since that, and he's been quite supportive and has made his best to try to understand what I'm going through.

Finally, the last "friend" I came out to: it was just one or two weeks ago; so I can't know how things will go with him on the long term. He has at least shown respect, and has been quite willing to read stuff on the topic to better understand things. Of course, his first reaction was a bit of a shock: after all, he had known me as a male, and because of my fears I had done a quite good job on projecting that fake image of myself; but there doesn't seem to be any kind of rejection or hatred around the topic, just a bit of confusion and maybe ignorance, but also a spark of curiosity that translates into an effort to better understand the issue.

So far, so good. I won't complain ^^ . Of course, I started speaking with the few people I most trust and I expected each of them to be, at least, respectful. Eventually, I'll have to come out entirely, and I know there will be rejection on some cases; but at least I know I have at least these friends to yield me their support if/when I'm in need of it.

Next step: I'm planning to come out to at least two more people: a childhood friend and a cousin. I expect both of them to be respectful and able to understand it (actually, both of them have had a good glimpse of my "true" self from the days we were role-playing, despite I wasn't really aware that was my true self; so they, especially my cousin, may even be prepared for this). Furthermore, in the case of my cousin, I expect her to be really supportive: we have always trusted and supported each other during hard times. I gotta find a moment when I can meet her, however, and that ain't an easy task ^^;

Within my family, I have come out to three people: my sister, mother, and brother, roughly in that order.

In the case of my sister, it doesn't seem she even realize the magnitude of the issue. Her answer was like "so, instead of a bro I'll have another sis? fine!" Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd bet she hasn't even a remote idea of what I'm going through with this. I can't really say she's supportive about this, because she isn't able to realize that I might need support; but she'd definitely be if she noticed that I need some support from time to time.

My mother is a complex case: she's supporting and respectful, but it's taking a lot from her to understand things. I know she wants the best for me, she's my mother after all; but sometimes I wonder if she's able to differentiate between what's best for me and what's best for her. I'm working hard to make things easier for her to understand, but without much success for now.

And finally, my brother. Quite a corner case: because of his insane job scheduling, I have only had one chance to speak with him about the topic, early this year, and I think he got the wrong idea (not his fault, of course: it was quite early for me to try to explain this properly). My impression is that he took me for a crossdresser... I have nothing against crossdressers, but either I failed to explain things properly or he missed the depth of the issue. Anyway, his answer to the whole topic was something like "no matter how you look or dress, we'll always be siblings", which seems quite supportive ^^

In summary, I have found that I have some great friends upon which I can rely, both inside and outside my family, and I'm really glad of it.

[Guest angie]

Good Girl Ethian,

I am very happy for you that you have the acceptance and support of

Real Friends that mean so much on our journey.Congratulations young woman.

Biiiiiig Hugggggssss,

Angie

[Guest Robin Winter]

Sadly I don't have very many true friends, I think of three and one of them has moved to Seattle.

For the most part I have had users, people that act like friends when they need something and disappear if you need them.

That is why I find myself alone now.

Donna Jean mentioned staying with someone after a disfiguring accident - my sister was in a car crash that sent her through the windsheild just about six months before her wedding, her fiance was living 5 states away at the time and when he called he never asked how she looked only how she felt.

My ex, lost a finger in a work related accident and I not only stayed with her (even through all of her violent out bursts from her emotional disorders) but when it no longer hurt, I held that hand when we were in the car, just like I had before - I never felt any differently.

But like so many others in mylife she left when I told her about myself - one way caring is my life story.

I have had more offers of comfort and support from all of the little black letters on a white screen here at Laura's than I have gotten from my own family.

I have always known what it was to be a friend but until I got to Laura's I never knew what it was like to have a friend.

Sorry, but this is just not a very up and cheery topic for me.

Love ya,

Sally

Me either The only people I have I can call true friends are my mom and my wife and to lesser degrees, other various family members, and the dynamics of those relationships are somewhat different. Having a true friend who is just a friend is a completely foreign idea to me. I know my wife would disagree with me, because friends she brought to the relationship do care for me, and I know that, but it's not the same really, they're my friends because they're her friends, and honestly, we don't chat on the phone or hang out really. My wife and I will visit together occasionally, and that's pretty much it.

So yeah....I have several positions open for friends if anyone wishes to apply lol. The work is easy, and on holiday's you get double hugs and a half!

*Hugs*

Shi

[Guest Edu]

So yeah....I have several positions open for friends if anyone wishes to apply lol. The work is easy, and on holiday's you get double hugs and a half!

I'm applying! Seriously, I have noticed from your posts that we have similar thoughts and views on many things; and you can count on most people here to be supportive... I know it's not the same that a friendship with real-life contact, but nobody deserves to be alone, so I won't allow you to be alone if I can help it.

Regards,

Ethain

[Guest Robin Winter]

I'm applying! Seriously, I have noticed from your posts that we have similar thoughts and views on many things; and you can count on most people here to be supportive... I know it's not the same that a friendship with real-life contact, but nobody deserves to be alone, so I won't allow you to be alone if I can help it.

Regards,

Ethain

Okie, you're hired

Hi Shilo,

I'll come for those hugs - someday would love to see Nova Scotia again. Until then, I thank everyone for their online friendship.

It seems to be a common thread for many - when you're not true to yourself, you can't have true friends. I find that to be my situation. Luckily, I can be true to my wife.

I'm interested to see what the next few years bring.

Kat

If you ever are in Nova Scotia, you'll have to let me know I brew a MEAN cup of coffee. lol

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora,

And thanks to those who have participated so far with your thoughts on friends and friendship…I hope they will continue and be of benefit to others…

Now comes the twist in perception…Surely you didn’t think I was going to just leave it at that did ya?

From a Buddhist perspective there are only friends-no enemies[i’m talking about other human beings here]… If someone can teach you one of life’s lesson whether it be for you to practice patience-tolerance-acceptance etc…then that person should be considered a ‘friend’…And if one cares to think about it, the concept of an enemy with all the negative meaning that goes along with this term would disappear - leaving one with the more positive aspects of the term friend…It all depends on how one ‘chooses’ to look at life…

Or as the late great Rasta Bob Marley paradoxically summed it up “Sometimes your worst enemy can be your best friend and your best friend your worst enemy!”

I’m sure if we all look at life in this philosophical way, ones frustrations and angry towards others would gradually dissolve which in turn should bring about peace of mind…

Well that’s how I personally ‘choose’ to see things…And one does not have to become a Zen master for this to occur,[if I can do it-then anybody can] it just takes a slight shift in ones perception…Why not try-you have nothing to loose [only the feelings of negativity that you may have towards others and lets face it negativity is not a ‘good’ thing to carry around ]…

So here lies the answer to one of life’s conundrums='friendship'

Treat/see everybody as a friend…[Even if they don't see/treat you as theirs] and your world will be full of 'friendly' people!

Now you don’t have to accept this free advice but I hope that you will at least give it some thought…

Metta Jendar

[Guest angie]

Ya know Ms J,

I could have been angry and held a grudge when done wrong.

But that is not the way I am made now.I would rather forgive,

for it not only gives me peace of mind but helps the other one also.

Namaste My Sister,

Angelique

[Sally]

Jendar,

Here's a surprise - that reminds me of a quote from a movie!

No, really!

In "Silverado" Scott Glen comes across Kevin Kline lying in the middle of the desert in his long johns and his hat.

He asked him what happened and the reply was that when a group of men rode up he decided to ride along with them because, "You can go through life like everyone is your friend or no one is - it doesn't really much matter."

A little Zen in that remark but they all drew their guns and stole his horse, saddle, pearl handled pistols, boots and his best hat.

However even after all of the times that I have been burned I would still rather trust everyone rather than distrust everyone.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Angie and Sally,

A wise Hindu sage once said "If you don't feel that you are enlighten-you can always try to be!"

"Oh gosh! Oh darn! I'm running really late-

I might lose all my 'calmness' if I fail to meditate!"

You all have a nice day!

Namaste back at ya 'friends' ...I'm off to wash the dishes, meditate and bed...

Metta Jendar