I Spent A Decade Running

[Guest Sophie Jean]

I spent a decade

Running...

Running away from my gender

Because that was the way of things.

Friends...

I had only a few.

Because

I just

Could not

Truly share

Could not

Explain.

I slowed to a walk for a few years,

Looking back

Over my shoulder

Becoming curious of what I left behind...

What I forgot.

What I never learned.

I married

Started raising two children

And for a couple years I couldn't move one step more.

Ahead seemed a dark gaping hole.

Threatening to overwhelm me.

And gradually I started walking backward,

Aware of the life I had built

And was being pulled to leave.

My tears,

My struggle,

To hold on

My fingernails scraped at the pavement.

And I dreamed that those same nails were lacquered in lavender

And that I had never run.

Having gone so far

I was face to face with myself

In a struggle beyond denial.

And now

It is hard

So hard

To keep from turning and running...

Back to myself

To the comfort of my own gender.

It was in love

That I finally felt

Free

Free to come out.

Free to be me.

But that freedom has destroyed

Or threatened to destroy.

The relationship that love built.

As the relationship that we once knew

Withers and dies,

I pray that phileos replaces eros

Stronger than at the start.

Together

We are alone.

The intimacy gone,

And we each need more.

Will we reach for it?

As we once did for each other?

[Sally]

That is such a beautiful and sad poem.

Why is it that our lives seem to be filled with said rumenations?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Emily H]

Its so sad....It reminds me of all the fear I have that.l..I can't be MTF, just a crossdresser, because of those I love, especially my Ashley.... But she wants Steven, thats who she is in love with...

I love her so very very much.

~Andrea

[Guest Sophie Jean]

It is a sad fact that I built a life that was ultimately the wrong one, because I tried to run away from what I felt I was.

Male-bodied and female-gendered it is easy to imagine and morph yourself into what you consider an attractive image so I wouldn't be alone. While not athletically gifted, I did sculpt my mind, career and body in ways to have a family and tried everything that would "make a man out of you." None of the things ever worked. In fact, the more sex I had, the more I felt not-male and more female.

Needless to say, you can only stretch a rubber band so far, before it needs to return. And I am returning. In physical transition, I don't know when I will go full time with a name change, but I am ready and only need the opportunity now. Crossdressing will never be enough for me.

Trying to hold out for the family for me makes no sense anymore and only creates more pain that can only be alleviated by an eventual separation.

This is my grief, and for me it is unavoidable.

Hugs and God Bless,

Sophie