Hi Laura's!

[Guest Elyncia]

Hello, everyone at Laura's! I'm Elyncia, in the e-world In the real world, I'm Jordan... and in both worlds, I'm sixteen years old. Although, being Jordan may be only a temporary thing. I'd like to have a new name, when I transition.

I've considered a few names, but it's really hard to choose a name, because you have to make sure that the name you choose rests well with other people as well as yourself. At least, I like to have it that way. My mom thinks I should keep Jordan, but I don't really like it. It sounds ugly, coming off of my tongue. One that I kinda like is "Karen Ellen". Etymologists could translate that to "Pure Light". It sounds beautiful, flows nicely, and has a lovely meaning, I think. The more I say it, the more I like it. I just hope my mom will like it.

But for here, Elyncia is a much better name (And on the Internet, I can get away with having a really weird name ). I chose the name because of what it means, to myself. In my story, she's a very loving, understanding, and caring person who wholly represents the idea of an angel. She is very young-spirited, but she is also very wise, beyond her years. She is a lot like me, in those respects, but she is uncorrupted by the things that I have to work around on our Earth... And so I strive to be like her. I made her, in the beginning, by taking best parts of myself, and breathing life into them. She's grown a lot since then, and I hope I can grow to be her as much as I can.

Standing in my way, however, in addition to the voice work, facial hair removal, psychiatrists, hormones, surgeries, and mental and emotional roller coasters of transition, is myself. Or, rather, the worst parts of myself. Where Elyncia is what I would like to be in every aspect, and how she was made by gathering all the best in me, Arkaea is the culmination of all the dark elements of my person. He's very mean, because of a very painful past. He hurts people, and enjoys it as justice, or payback, due to his own hurts. He walks across the spiritual realm with hate in his eyes, and an everlasting shadow hanging over his head. However, covered up by his fury and wrath are the tearful woes of a bright destiny he never fulfilled. He's really sad, but he constantly loses himself to his mindless rage, caused by a jealously that is constantly fed. I imagine that he is what I would be if I could never transition. He is a part of me, but I do my best to never let him surface. Perhaps I need an anger management course or two, 'cause if he comes out one day, that's going to be a lot of anger that I'll try to get rid of all at once... I feel terrible just thinking sbout it.

And on top of that, I have regular life stress. My family is, financially... in an extremely tight spot. If we weren't lucky, we might've been homeless now. Thankfully, my aunt would let us stay at her place if that happened. Right now, we're moving to a new city, and hopefully more opportunity. Alongside that, I have the regular pressures of school and home life. Like, keeping a B average, and doing homework, inventing something new to eat out of our mostly-empty cupboards, devising new ways to sleep while plagues with stress, feeling lonely/sad because I don't, and never have, had a relationship with anyone that went further than hanging out at lunches, while searching diligently for a part-time job to fund both my incoming university education, and transition. Maybe I oughtta take a stress management course or two, too, huh?

In spite of everything, though, I think life is great. My mom is helping my transition (in its current early stages) by arranging and taking me to my appointments (next one up is with a psychiatrist. The medical system is so sloooow....), and I'm really glad about that. She wasn't very happy about everything at first, but she's really nice nowadays. The next weekend she isn't busy with something or other, she promised she'd take me shopping for a couple girl's outfits. Fun stuff! I feel a little badly, though, because, quite honestly, I look horrible. Leastways, I look horribly male, in my own eyes. I'm the "cute" kinda guy, according to my sister. Not very masculine, in body or in face. I'm glad for that. But I really think I look gross. The facial hair doesn't help any, especially against my very white skin. However, I do believe I shall forget all that nonsense, and just enjoy myself. And when I'm in the outfits, I'll just avoid mirrors, and humanity! The plan is genius - it cannot fail!

I also enjoy life because I enjoy school. Foods class? Really fun! It's a real shame that we're moving away though. I'm really sure the person I was grouped with was transsexual... like I think I am. Another class I really liked was my English class. I didn't really know anyone, and I don't think I would've got to know anyone, but I really enjoy writing, and I excel in English. I have 98% right now. My other courses in chemistry and planning are kinda bleh, but in planning I get to listen to music, and in chemistry, well, I sit beside a couple of comedians, so the hour-and-twenty goes by quickly.

When I get a job, I hope I'll enjoy that, too. And if I do, I'll be able to fund some after-school entertainment. My collection of games is a little old now, but with a few hundred, I can get a laptop that will serve for school, transition, and, maybe, starting to play WoW. I hear it's fun.

Wow... well, I don't really know which direction I'm taking this post. I'm so disorganized sometimes . Um... I'm really glad to be here, and I'm really glad to be able to be with you all, at Laura's. I've known you for a while, really, and I know how awesome all of you are. Every one of you! I'm really glad that I decided to join in, and I'll be even more really glad if I can join in more often. Currently, it's a little hard to find time on Laura's without my own computer. I have to post in the middle of the night, make sure I don't leave any History behind, and make sure my mom doesn't find out... She doesn't like me being here because she thinks I'll be influenced by you guys 'n' gals. I know where she's coming from, but I enjoy listening to you guys too much to stay away. I hope I won't have to stay away too much.

Love,

Karen/Elyncia (choose the one you like best )

[Guest angie]

Well Hellloooo Karen Elyncia!

Welcome to the Playground young lady.I loved your life story of finding

yourself and the peace that it is giving you doing so.The inner anger is

a part of who some of us had,that we are so pleased to shed of.That you

have the understanding,love and support of your mother on your journey

is huge little sister.That you have found self acceptance is beyond measure.

Be yourself here,which ever name you would like to be.Personally,I think both

names make a great combination,because they fit so smoothly together.

Once again,welcome to the Playground,and we are happy to have you be

a part of such a loving,supportive community.

Warm Hugs of Welcome,

Angelique

Bye the way...I loved your story of just who Elyncia is and how you chose the name.(smile)

[Sally]

Good Morning and welcome to the forums.

I think that I will just use Karen for now, one thing that I have noticed here is how everyone agonizes over selecting the perfect name.

I know that I did until the time came to open an E-mail account for my female side and start finding out about transsexualism from the Internet and then I sat down and typed in a name almost without thinking, it was a combination of names that I had never used before - just sort of typed itself and I am still using it.

When we are born and our parents name us we have no input so matching your name to who you are is a luxury let's not make it torture.

Select a name that is a little popular with your age group and that you like the sound of and use it.

It is great that your mother is accepting you that is a major plus and a tremendous bonus when transitioning.

I almost forgot to offer you some cookies and hot cocoa.

Your story was very well told and I love to see things so clearly expressed (it is the writer in me) you have already done so much of your soul searching and that is great because it has to be done at some point and the earlier the better, it helps calm some of the periods of self-doubt.

Enjoy your time here and your life in general, I like to take the stigma that society places on us away by refering to myself as Gender Gifted, try it and see if it doesn't make things seem a lot nicer.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Leigh T]

Good morning Elyncia,

First, welcome to Laura's, a place where you're always family. It's enjoyable to meet new people who describe themselves well enough so we feel we've known them for years.

Next, I agree with your mother. I think Jordan is a beautiful name for a girl. I had a family who lived across the street from me that had a young girl named Jordan. I've watched her grow up to a beautiful adolescent of 12 before they moved last month. She would always say hi and often run across the street for a hug. I'll miss her. Trust me, if you transition, you'll find the administrative headaches less so when you retain your former name. It is also easier on everyone else. When I petitioned for name/gender change, I only added Anne to my existing middle name as my name was mainly androgynous as it originally was.

Many to most of us had a huge amount of anger within us while trying to live a life that was the complete opposite of what we felt was true. I think most, including myself, lost a huge amount of that anger once we tackled our gender issues. I hope the same thing will happen for you.

Lastly, I'm sorry you and your family are going through a rough financial period. With all the pain and despair that was caused, I sometimes wished that Wall Street was wiped off the face of the Earth in order to start clean with, this time, ethical and moral financiers. As during the Great Depression, we can and will pull out of it after learning a lesson presented to us for the second time. You'll hit the job market in your adult life during a growth period. That's kewl!

Again, welcome here and make yourself at home.

Sincerely,

Leigh

[Carolyn Marie]

Elyncia, welcome to Laura's!

I see that you have already met some of my wonderful sisters. There are many many more for you

to meet, and I'm sure you're going to make some friends here.

Please look around the forums, try out the chat rooms, and make yourself at home.

It's great that you have the support and understanding of your mom. That is such a crucial thing for

your success in transitioning, if that is your goal. You are a very lucky girl in that respect.

I like your positive attitude and outlook. It will serve you well through the inevitable bumps in the road.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[gennee]

Welcome to the site, Elyncia.

Gennee

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's, Elyncia.

[Guest Natalie92]

Welcome to the forum Elyncia! I've got a bit of advice for you, sweetie. First off when you move, you need to make friends, preferabably making sure that at least one is female. They'll help you deal with your stress. To be perfectly honest, without my friends, I'd be dead by now. The reason I say female, is that they will undoubtedly help you in your transistion. Plus, with girls, if you become good friends with one, you'll soon be friends with her other female friends (or at least some of them. Sometimes your personality won't click with all of them) which is always a plus. If you've ever noticed, girls can be cliquey, and it feels great to be accepted by them and just be able to talk to them about anything, and I don't even necessarily mean talking to them about you, either. (Although it IS great, especially sharing secrets. ) Being able to joke with them, share in the daily gossip, talk about school, college, boys and literally every other subject will help you tremendously to transistion (You might not even notice it at first, but trust me, it will ). All you have to do is just be nice to everybody, and you're bound to make some friends.

Another piece of advice. When it comes to loathing your body, I'll tell you what my best friend told me (who is a natal female) when I complained about how I hated my body to her. After I tried to put her in my shoes and asked her what she would feel sick if she was born with a male body, she said this: "Not at all. That’s just how the body is." Take those words to heart. They'll help you actually FOCUS on your transition instead of FREAK OUT over it. You're in high school. You can't worry about your body on a constant basis and expect to do well in school, so you can go to college, so you can get a decent job, so you can afford therapy, hormones, and surgery.

Here's a Natalie hug as a welcome present:

**HUUGGGSS**

Natalie Alexis

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hey Karen

Welcome to the family.

I see you have meet alot of our brothers and sisters and I'm sure you'll meet even more as you spend more time and post.

They really are very wonderful people and just love to help

I'm sure you'll get to know many of them in no time.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Elyncia]

Thank you all! It's such a rarity to find a group of people as wonderful as you are not only on the Internet, but in the world as well. Thinking of you guys makes everything feel alright... And it makes some of the stress go away.

Thank you angie... *hugs*.

Sally, I really appreciate the words you always have. Thanks ... and bless you. The world is lucky to have you. (And the rest of you )

Leigh... that's very sweet. And, thanks for your input. There's still plenty of time to think about everything.

Carolyn, thanks

Natatlie, I know. I usually have a few female friends, and when I have nobody, my sister is there. They're so much better than guys, mostly. Thank you

And to the rest of you... Many thanks, hugs, and my blessings . I'm really grateful to have you all... I can't thank you enough for just being here.

... Now, I think I'll go find some more great music. I kinda need it... I have some non-transition-related stress really pulling me down . Good music is a little hard to find these days. The world isn't short of wonderful melodies, but great lyricists are spread thinly, it seems. The search is half the fun, I guess.

Best wishes!

[Guest Kaz]

from one newbie to another - welcome

[Guest Elyncia]

From another newbie to Kaz... Thank-you, and welcome also!

I hope you will enjoy being here as much as I do.