Identity Conflicts

[Guest yvonne]

Hi everybody! I just posted this to my profile and thought I would share it with you. I believe this may help many of our members that may be struggling to realize your identity.

It's also a reminder that we don't necessarily need to achieve everything all at once. Life is a long journey, take it one step at a time.

I was a young boy in the 50s and the concept of "transgender" hadn't been invented yet. Boys were boys and girls were girls and that was it. Gay people risked a lot and very few dared to be open about who they were.

I first became aware that I "wanted to be a girl" at around age 10. My parents were depression-era kids who had nothing and learned a steely resolve to survive and to work hard for whatever you wanted.

My Dad taught me to be tough and resolute. Not a bully, mind you, but a real man. Now, I had serious conflicts....

I guess I considered myself to be a cross-dresser at that point. I found various items of clothing, which I kept hidden and wore late at night. The idea of being open about any of this was strictly forbidden, so I kept it bottled up.

My thoughts were extremely powerful and could not be dismissed. Whenever I saw a pretty girl, I wanted to look just like that. I had girlfriends, because that's what boys do, but was seldom serious and, in hindsight, it was more friendship-based than anything else.

Dad drilled it into me that sex before marriage was a great way to ruin my life and I thought it was that life lesson that kept me a virgin until I was well into my 20s. Little did I know at the time that there was another reason I hadn't had sex with a girl.

Well, it finally happened and I succumbed to a pretty girl out of curiosity. I found I was unable to climax for a long time. The girl went wild over my stamina, but I finally had to produce a very strong fantasy that *I* was the girl. The whole experience was found to be quite lacking to me. I've never had intercourse with any female where I was able to reach a climax without this fantasy. I've never been much interested in sex with women, either. I'm not attracted to guys and gay sex is a complete turnoff to me, so I'm asexual.

I still didn't understand why I felt the way I did. I only knew I had to dress up as often as I could.

I was never comfortable with a group of guys. I always enjoyed being with a group of girls. I was handsome and funny and girls really enjoyed my company. I kept my secret.

Concentration was very difficult to achieve and my thoughts frequently were of being a girl. I went to a University and got a Bachelor's Degree. I nearly didn't make it for frequent lack of concentration. Today, they may have called me a victim of A.D.D.

I never shared these thoughts with anyone, as they were too far out. I remember Christine Jorgenson, the first person to undergo SRS. I wanted to be her.

I've lived this way a long time and it's just been in the last 4 years that I've come to really understand why I do what I do. I'm a girl. Period. Because of my career position, I don't believe it's practical for me to be totally open about all this to the public. I still have to dress like a guy on the outside, but I wear the right underwear and have a sleek front, which I conceal with clothes. I know that I'm a woman inside and that brings me peace. I can now dress more comfortably on my own time, for I understand why. I've never been happier in my life.

Since this revelation, I'm able to concentrate like never before. It's like I'm a new person, which, I guess, I am.

I really understand how a lot of you feel, because I do to.

The only advice I'd offer anyone is to get an education and develop a career or a solid way to earn a living. If you can't support yourself, you're in a heap of trouble. If you can, you can write your own ticket and be who you want to be.

Hugs,

Yvonne

[Guest Austen]

Agreed. I have a few young people asking what they can do, and my first response is "Get a strong degree, find a good career, and save money." I knew I wanted to transition since high school, and because of that I hid my trans status in the closet to keep people from picking at it. (In retrospect, this was a bad idea. ) I graduated with honors from high school, with honors from college, and my resume is full of volunteer services (blogger, fiction magazine editor, freelance graphic designer, etc.) The goal from the beginning was to be _so_ good that nobody could pass me up, even if I were a transsexual.

Also, younger transitioners should count their lucky stars that they have the latitude and the social support to transition at such an age. While there are occasional stories of transition in the 50s and 60s that gained support from the community, a number of compounding events made transition one of the most reviled and universally hated aspects of the LGBT community. That we can actually step up and get help for our condition at a young age is unheard of at any other time in American queer history.

[Sally]

It was almost like reading my autobiography!

Another child of those enlightened years the fifties, we had little time to discuss feelings and future plans because we were so busy learning that apparently siting on the floor in the hallway of a school with your head between your knees was the best way to protect yourself from radiation.

People built bomb shelters and all anyone talked about was 'the bomb' and how automation was going to give us so much leisure time.

Well, no one dropped the bomb and I have no idea what became of that leisure time - I have always worked more hours than my father ever did and I do not make enough to support four people - he did.

Yes in some ways the world is better I guess in some ways worse but in the end it is the only world we have so we should try to fix it.

Starting with ourselves, being who we always should have been and picking up the pieces of our former lives that are worth saving.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ricka]

Yvonne---I was moved by your story and I can identify with a lot of what you expressed except I was attracted to boys sexually early on. I also dated girls but that was what was expected to be "normal" but like you girls were more friends than anything and I never felt any sexual feelings toward them. I remember wondering what the big deal was about kissing as it did nothing for me, LOL. And like you I didn't lose my virginity with a girl until I was 21 (she was the aggressor ) Anyway what I wanted to say is that hopefully all of us find our way to adjust and be comfortable in the world. Many of us entered professions/careers as one gender and have to appear as that gender as long as we are employed. And many of us do not have accepting or understanding families where we can be ourselves openly. Laura's Playground is such a gift as a place to be able to relate openly and with understanding and acceptance to others who share our feelings and our issues.

Today I am a facilitator for a GSA (Gay/Straight Alliance) drop-in center. I have volunteered with the local GSA groups for a few years now. This is a high school/colleged aged group for GLBTQ young people that provides a safe haven for youth who are questioning and those who are out. In our state we passed the safe schools act which provides protection for GLBTQ youth in public schools for the first time.

ricka

[Guest Sakura_Stingray]

even though im younger i have experianced alot of your story... the only parts not close to identical would be i never had a father. my mom expected alot out of me and still do.. i have never made anything my own instead o adepted whatever was around me.. and acted whatever was around me.. when i was te or so i would change my voice every day.. nd change the accent every day because i somehow figured if they laughed at me because of being silly or something els it would make me happy that they did not know i was hurting inside because of my body being different then mentality... i kept a mental barrier from peoples name calling and physical abuse for years.. and i am trying to ""tear down the wall" of my coverup of lies ^.^;;

[Guest angie]

Hello Yvonne,

I was born in the fifties also,was raised a lot like you.My daddy made me tough as nails,

trying and succeeding,in supressing my deep desire to be a girl.Both my parents were

also depression era kids,in fact my daddy almost starved when his father left his family.

So I became the man I thought I was supposed to be.I started dating girls,because that

is what was expected of me.And like you,sex was never all that good,for me it was the

chase that was fun.The sex was very anti climactic,even had to have the same fantasy.

It took me until I was forty seven to finally admit the truth.That I am a woman and had

to follow my heart.It has been over two years I have lived as my true self,and I have

never been happier,just by being true to who I knew in my hear of hearts that I am.

Welcome to the Playground.

Another mature voice to help the young ones through.

Hugs,

Angelique Michelle or just Angie

[Guest yvonne]

Hello Yvonne,

I was born in the fifties also,was raised a lot like you.My daddy made me tough as nails,

trying and succeeding,in supressing my deep desire to be a girl.Both my parents were

also depression era kids,in fact my daddy almost starved when his father left his family.

So I became the man I thought I was supposed to be.I started dating girls,because that

is what was expected of me.And like you,sex was never all that good,for me it was the

chase that was fun.The sex was very anti climactic,even had to have the same fantasy.

It took me until I was forty seven to finally admit the truth.That I am a woman and had

to follow my heart.It has been over two years I have lived as my true self,and I have

never been happier,just by being true to who I knew in my hear of hearts that I am.

Welcome to the Playground.

Another mature voice to help the young ones through.

Hugs,

Angelique Michelle or just Angie

Angie,

You have no idea what it means to me to meet other women whose lives read like a carbon copy of mine (Somebody might want to explain carbon paper to the youngsters LOL). I never considered transitioning to be a serious objective, since I looked so manly. After seeing you and many others, it gives me a lot of hope for the future.

I love success stories and I thoroughly enjoy being part of this group.

God bless the Internet. I wish Al Gore was around in the 50's. Thanks for your great contributions. You and many others are a real inspiration to me, especially Joanna. THAT girl has guts.

This is all like a great dream.

Hugs,

Yvonne

[Guest jennifer_mcg]

Oh Yvonne dear! Thank you so much for this! I too had to live as a boy in the early fifties, meeting my dad's expectations (it was truly inconceivable back then to be anything "different". I was sent to a boy's boarding school, made to follow sciences instead of arts as I would have dearly loved to, did " macho" things even to exaggeration; all that and even more! Thank you for sharing. It's too late for me to be a "sexy young thing" but at least I can try and be a "kind, compassionate grandma

JJ

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yvonne ....

Well, Honey, here comes another "Carbon Copy" response.....I could of cut/paste your post with very few alterations ....

Those days without the internet and no way to know that we weren't the "Only' ones out there!

But, now us seriously senior girls and guys STILL can achive our dream.....

I'm 8 months on HRT, Got my therapy done, got one letter for surgery and there is no stopping me now!

I'm Donna Jean and even if I have arrived a bit late to the party, it's not over yet! I'll be 60 on Christmas Day!

And, DANG IT! I've got lots to do!

Huggs to you, Girlfriend....

It's never too late to be who you really are!

Donna Jean

[Guest N. Jane]

I guess I missed the carbon paper!

I was born in 1949 and grew up in similar circumstances but was never able to pull off the "act like a boy" thing, it just didn't work and I couldn't "pass" so all that left was "freak". But I guess that was a good thing - somebody had to make a stink to get things to change (treatment) and who has more incentive to push for change than someone with nothing to loose? You're dead if you do nothing so you might as well fight. Even a small town library had access to resources so I found out about Jorgensen and how she did it, started (illegal) hormones at 14 (1963) that gave me morning sickness LOL!, went to see Benjamin in New York in '66, on hormones legally at age 18 (1977), and had SRS at 24 (1974) as soon as I found a doctor I could afford.

In some ways I am glad I was born when I was. If I had been born 5 years earlier, I would not have survived because the resources would not have been available and people (doctors) wouldn't have listened - I would have been just another teenage suicide and few would know why. If I had been born 10 years ago, maybe I would be one of those kids you read about who transition in elementary school.

Everybody is different but the one commonality about this "disease" is that when things get bad enough, you jump, no matter what the cost or the consequences.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

It seems like I am the odd one out here, I didn't graduate with honors from anything except the school of hard knocks. I have had several jobs in many different fields but always felt like I was drifting with no course charted. I have been diagnosed as many things over the years (add, depression, manic depressive) except for the depression none of the diagnosis felt right. I am on my third marriage, have lost 6 kids over the course of the other two (how much of this is attributable to my then undiagnosed GID we may never know).

[Guest angie]

I was eleven when my family came back to the states from europe,

this was 1968.My grandma had saved a stack of Life magazines for

us to peruse.I found one that featured Christine Jorgensen as the

subject of the month in 1954.The full magazine was all about her journey.

And to a trans natured preteen,it was like finding a gold mine.

I kept that mag until the pages were rags,for it showed me one can

change genders,it doesn't have to be a dream.Soooooo it took me

46 more years.I never forgot,kept it in my heart, that one day I could

follow my heart. And I finally did.And could not be a happier girl.

Angelique

[Guest yvonne]

Yvonne ....

Well, Honey, here comes another "Carbon Copy" response.....I could of cut/paste your post with very few alterations ....

Those days without the internet and no way to know that we weren't the "Only' ones out there!

But, now us seriously senior girls and guys STILL can achive our dream.....

I'm 8 months on HRT, Got my therapy done, got one letter for surgery and there is no stopping me now!

I'm Donna Jean and even if I have arrived a bit late to the party, it's not over yet! I'll be 60 on Christmas Day!

And, DANG IT! I've got lots to do!

Huggs to you, Girlfriend....

It's never too late to be who you really are!

Donna Jean

Oh, Donna Jean, you're right about it never being too late. I've fought serious emotional issues my whole life. It was my own private H*ll. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, but I didn't understand it, either.

The compulsions to "dress up" were too strong to deal with, but I never knew why. I couldn't get the constant thoughts out of my head. Every time I saw a pretty girl, I wanted to look just like that. I was weird!

I've gone through the "purging" that most of us have probably done. Tossed all the clothes and makeup out and said, "It's over". But it never was.

It's just been in the last year or so that I've finally understood what's going on. I must say, I've never had the clear head and focus that I do now. My productivity has gone through the roof and my emotional roller coaster has stopped at the station...

I'm 62 and have never felt better emotionally. This group has been a tremendous help to me. I am who I am and I love who I am.

I'm not a freak and I no longer have the strong, uncontrollable emotions. I'm just me being me and loving every minute of it.

Thanks to you and everyone else for sharing. It's meant a lot to me and been a great help.

You're right--it's NEVER too late to be who you really are.

Huggs to you, too, girlfriend.

Yvonne

[Guest brenda lee]

Hi everybody! I just posted this to my profile and thought I would share it with you. I believe this may help many of our members that may be struggling to realize your identity.

It's also a reminder that we don't necessarily need to achieve everything all at once. Life is a long journey, take it one step at a time.

I was a young boy in the 50s and the concept of "transgender" hadn't been invented yet. Boys were boys and girls were girls and that was it. Gay people risked a lot and very few dared to be open about who they were.

I first became aware that I "wanted to be a girl" at around age 10. My parents were depression-era kids who had nothing and learned a steely resolve to survive and to work hard for whatever you wanted.

My Dad taught me to be tough and resolute. Not a bully, mind you, but a real man. Now, I had serious conflicts....

I guess I considered myself to be a cross-dresser at that point. I found various items of clothing, which I kept hidden and wore late at night. The idea of being open about any of this was strictly forbidden, so I kept it bottled up.

My thoughts were extremely powerful and could not be dismissed. Whenever I saw a pretty girl, I wanted to look just like that. I had girlfriends, because that's what boys do, but was seldom serious and, in hindsight, it was more friendship-based than anything else.

Dad drilled it into me that sex before marriage was a great way to ruin my life and I thought it was that life lesson that kept me a virgin until I was well into my 20s. Little did I know at the time that there was another reason I hadn't had sex with a girl.

Well, it finally happened and I succumbed to a pretty girl out of curiosity. I found I was unable to climax for a long time. The girl went wild over my stamina, but I finally had to produce a very strong fantasy that *I* was the girl. The whole experience was found to be quite lacking to me. I've never had intercourse with any female where I was able to reach a climax without this fantasy. I've never been much interested in sex with women, either. I'm not attracted to guys and gay sex is a complete turnoff to me, so I'm asexual.

I still didn't understand why I felt the way I did. I only knew I had to dress up as often as I could.

I was never comfortable with a group of guys. I always enjoyed being with a group of girls. I was handsome and funny and girls really enjoyed my company. I kept my secret.

Concentration was very difficult to achieve and my thoughts frequently were of being a girl. I went to a University and got a Bachelor's Degree. I nearly didn't make it for frequent lack of concentration. Today, they may have called me a victim of A.D.D.

I never shared these thoughts with anyone, as they were too far out. I remember Christine Jorgenson, the first person to undergo SRS. I wanted to be her.

I've lived this way a long time and it's just been in the last 4 years that I've come to really understand why I do what I do. I'm a girl. Period. Because of my career position, I don't believe it's practical for me to be totally open about all this to the public. I still have to dress like a guy on the outside, but I wear the right underwear and have a sleek front, which I conceal with clothes. I know that I'm a woman inside and that brings me peace. I can now dress more comfortably on my own time, for I understand why. I've never been happier in my life.

Since this revelation, I'm able to concentrate like never before. It's like I'm a new person, which, I guess, I am.

I really understand how a lot of you feel, because I do to.

The only advice I'd offer anyone is to get an education and develop a career or a solid way to earn a living. If you can't support yourself, you're in a heap of trouble. If you can, you can write your own ticket and be who you want to be.

Hugs,

Yvonne

Yvonne , Sweetie I too grew up much of the same way. I was put down alot for my lack of maleness. I am now so pround that I admited to myself that I am a girl .I am happy with me ,so that is all that matters .LOL Brenda Lee

[Guest yvonne]

It seems like I am the odd one out here, I didn't graduate with honors from anything except the school of hard knocks. I have had several jobs in many different fields but always felt like I was drifting with no course charted. I have been diagnosed as many things over the years (add, depression, manic depressive) except for the depression none of the diagnosis felt right. I am on my third marriage, have lost 6 kids over the course of the other two (how much of this is attributable to my then undiagnosed GID we may never know).

Joanna,

I've followed your story with great interest and I have a lot of respect for you.

So, please share your current feelings with me and tell me how you feel now that you've started your well-charted journey. I doubt that many here would have done what you did (Real Life Experience with NO Hormones) in order to finally get the permission letter to get Hormone therapy.

Has your recent experience changed any of your outlooks, thoughts and feelings?

This disorder can flat mess you up and it's difficult to get a grip on what's really going on in your head.

Hugs to you, girlfriend,

Yvonne

[Guest angie]

I didn't Have to do RLE before HRT,no physican ever made me.

I started living female in October of 06,because I had waited

two long frustrating years,of having only a limited way to

express my feminine identity that everyone all ready knew

about and had for four years.My inlaws,mother inlaw in particular,

were intolerant of my female self and confined her to a tiny bedroom.

That was after living alone two years,and trying to find the strength

to walk out my door daily in the clothes I knew were mine.I made a

personal choice to put somebodies needs in front of my own desires.

I was support for a man I loved with all my heart,who even though his

daughter,my ex,and I were not together,still loved me and accepted me

and my quirky ways.It was only after he passed,that I felt free to follow

the path I all ready knew was mine.I started transition in May of 07,after

six months of living fulltime.Because the minute I walked in my door on

the 11th of October 06,I cast off the enforced shakles of my manhood for

once and for all.And I have never,not once in three years,looked back with

any regret.

Angie

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Joanna,

I've followed your story with great interest and I have a lot of respect for you.

So, please share your current feelings with me and tell me how you feel now that you've started your well-charted journey. I doubt that many here would have done what you did (Real Life Experience with NO Hormones) in order to finally get the permission letter to get Hormone therapy.

Has your recent experience changed any of your outlooks, thoughts and feelings?

This disorder can flat mess you up and it's difficult to get a grip on what's really going on in your head.

Hugs to you, girlfriend,

Yvonne

Thank you for the complement, however when it happened there was no question that I was going to do it right or risk having my transition stalled before it had truly begun. Mess me up?!?!?!?! Ask some of the other ladies here how I was when they threw me to the sharks for two months. I think there was something positive that came out of it, not only did it prove to me that the diagnosis was correct but it also made me much, much stronger than I would have been if it had not happened. Doing RLE without hormones means you really have to be on your game and act the part better than you ever thought you could. I survived a major statewide conference with my GF Lyne, and I don't know if I was ever read.

It wasn't a choice I would have made for myself but it was one that I somehow managed to not only survive but to thrive under, I guess this told everyone that the diagnosis was correct and that I should be allowed to continue with the next phase of the journey. Many times I had tried to nail my shrink down as to any other issues he wanted me to work on before he would allow things to continue but I was unsuccessful in doing so. It finally took my essay "The Zen of Transition" for him to accept that I had solved all of the issues and I should be allowed to continue. Most of my essays are scattered around this site but I have them all on my site, along with some which aren't here.  I write my verse and essays by way of sorting out my feelings and putting some semblance of order to the jumble of thoughts and feelings that regularly mill around in my brain. Sometimes something I read on here or one of the other sites I am on will spark the thought process for another piece of verse or another essay. Maybe one day I will take them and flesh them out into a book or short story, but right now I have enough going on without thinking of the complexities of writing a book and getting it published.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Hey yvonne thanks for posting this! I'm in college and I can relate to a lot of what you've described, the sexual dysphoria, social situations etc. I find it hard to make friends because of this, I find it hard to relate to girls a lot of the time... I guess part of it is I'm afraid they're going to get too personal and I'll have to out myself even if I don't want to lol. Guys I'm a lot more comfortable around for the most part but it's also awkward when they treat me like a girl. :/ I'm waaaay too dysphoric to be in any sexual relationship and I wish I could just get over that but it's something I've been struggling with for several years now... sucks when you have the sex drive of a male. lol.

I'm actually kind of eager to just get out on my own and make a living already but at the same time I'm kind of apprehensive about it, I keep questioning whether I'm on the right path or not career wise. and on top of that the transition path - whether ive timed it properly. but what you said about making your own living etc. I found encouraging, so thanks.

PS, LOL at "The word filter really made the Latin for with honors a little bit strange." thought that was hilarious

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

As so often happens something I read, or answer sparks another essay from me Yvonne's comments caused me to sit back and think about how I actually felt about what happened and how I felt about surviving and thriving under it. I have posted it, like the others on my site in the articles and verse section. It is called RLE (No Hormones), feel free to drop over and read it.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Giggles this will stump some of the younger set but why didnt we prepare a mimeograph master of the replies and just run them off because they all say pretty much the same thing. Hey does anyone remember the smell of mimeograph fluid....