Reflection

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

8 Months in,

Reflections on my transition

10/12/2009 9:50:23 AM

©2009

Joanna Marie Phipps

This is a project I really should have started ages ago but for some reason I didn't have the emotional or mental energy to sit down and see just how far I'd come. Looking back since my diagnosis in January of this year, what changes have I made and how do I see things going from here on out?

I was diagnosed in January but for the first 6 months I didn't do much about it; my marriage was not on the most solid of terms and there were many questions as to whether we could make it work any longer. I had mentioned to her an odd dream I had about me being happy and content but as woman not a man, this just added to the confusion, the distrust and pain that we both felt. Things continued pretty much as they had with me sleeping on the couch and later the spare bedroom. This gave us bot space to start thinking of how we were going to be over the coming weeks and months; during this time I started wearing women's underware rather than the male stuff that I had been used to, initially this provided some relief but it was short lived. 

I was asked by my psychiatrist if just dressing as a woman would provide enough relief of the symptoms or if I felt I needed to transition all the way and actually become a woman. I told him that cross dressing was not the answer, I felt that for me to be happy, content and productive that I would have to do the complete transition up to and including surgery. I also told him that I felt like it had to be transition at all costs, since I could see no other choice. I have since backed off on the surgery soley because of the cost and the fact that no health plan I can afford will cover it. I can't say that my wife was totally unsupportive because she had purchased a couple of tops, a skirt and some othe things for me before I had to go full time. Before RLE she would help me buy things but didn't want to see me in them, this confused me greatly because I wasn't sure just what was meant by those gifts. 

Then came that dual natured day, June 12, 2009, the day I went to my PCP (Primary Care Physician) to see if she would prescribe the hormones I needed to begin the second phase of my transition. This day I happened to have my wife with me, and it was a good thing with what happened. I expected to have what I called the "Estradiol Discussion" with her but found out that the team had other ideas; I was told flat out that I had to do two months of living full time as a woman (known as Real Life Experience or RLE) before they would consider hormones. Needless to say there was a rather pregnant silence in the Dr's office while this news was digested and I aborbed the idea that they had just thrown me to the sharks for two months. From the beginning there was no question that if I was going to do the RLE I was going all the way. Not doing the RLE, thus stopping the transition, was not an option as far as I was concerned.

My wife seemed to sense the fact that I was going to do this and, I think, grudgingly went along with it since she had heard what the doctor said. Then came the thought process of how to, with out hormones, make this fifty year old male body look as feminine as possible; I did not think that was going to be easy since I am 6' 2" and over 240 LB. The weekend of me being put on RLE by my team, my wife and I went shopping to get me some of the clothing I would need to do things properly. Our first stop was a local second hand store where I found a couple of nice skirts, some slacks and tops. Later on that day we went to one of the larger Wal-Marts in the are and got me some more tops, in a similar style to ones she likes to wear, along with some other things. During this time, of prehormone RLE, I accompanied my wife to a major statewide teacher's conference; I think it was this that cemented in my mind that this was the correct diagnosis because not only was I comfortable doing it but if I was read by anyone nothing was said.

It was during this time that I got increasingly frustrated with what I saw as foot dragging on the part of my team. I wanted to move on with my transition but they all seemed to have other agendas and other ideas. Things got so bad that my wife and I actually discussed finding a therapist in Albuquerque to hand things. After all I was well past the three months of counseling suggested by the standards and was closing in on the two months of RLE that my team dumped me on. The more I pushed them the less things seemed to happen but I had become too stubborn, and demanding to see that if I backed off I might get somewhere. Finally my wife told me that if I didnt let them do their jobs I would never get anywhere beyond where I was then. What she said made a great deal of sense and I sat down to see how I could change tack with them and maybe get to where I want to be, it was this change of approach that inspired me to write "The Zen of Transition". That essay showed how I needed to change my approach to my team and my transition. 

Aug 12 was fast approaching (the day the RLE was supposed to end) and I had an appointment with both my psychiatrist and my counselor, although not at the same time. My wife accompanied me to both of these appointments although she was not happy being there and she acutally walked out of the one with my psychiatrist. Towards the end of my psychiatrist's appointment I gave him a copy of my essay, this seemed to allay his fears to the point that, at the end of the appointment, he said he would clear me to begin hormones on Aug 12. As I left his office I said to myself, finally victory, I can go forward. Oddly enough I got what I wanted not by demanding, and having tantrums when I didn't get what I wanted but by being adult enough to realize that they had their reasons for testing me and delaying my next phase until I could prove to them that I was going to act in a responsible manner. 

I had originally had an appointment with my PCP for around Aug 10, however since the hormones were slated for the 12th I re-slated that appointment for the morning of the twelfth. I still wasn't sure that things were actually going to happen until the nurse walked in and half asked, half told me "starting hormone therapy today" to which I replied that I hoped to be. I still was not one hundred percent sure that things were actually going to happen until my doctor came in and began discussing the risks associated with Estradiol and Spironolactone what finally sealed things was when she put the release form in front of me to read and sign. I read it, but it contained nothing I didn't already know, then signed and dated it when my doctor came back into the examining room she asked if I though I was ready for this. I think I said something like I was ready two months ago. Then she reached for her prescription pad and wrote the orders for the hormones and Spironolactone. She then told me she wanted to see me in a month and that I was to have labs done the week before my appointment. She wrote out the lab order, asked if I had any other questions and since I had none she sent me on my way. 

On my way out of the office I set my next appointment, however I was walking on air because I had finally got what I needed to continue my journey. I drove from the clinic to my local Wal-Mart and after checking the balance on my credit card placed the order for my meds, thirty minutes later (although it seemed like forever) I had what I wanted and headed home. Once I got home I placed the two bottles on my desk and tried to figure out if I would take the dose then or wait till later. Taking it then won, I guess because I felt like I had waited enough. I didn't really notice that inner peace that many of the ladies on the various support boards talked about but what I did get over the next couple of weeks was something akin to PMS; my wife told me one morning that i was an owly woman (not quite her words but they get the point across). Luckily this lasted for only a couple of weeks before settling down and allowing me to move on with my transition. I have been seeing my PCP and counselor once a month and my Psychiatrist every two to three months.

The on going reactions of my wife and her daughter (I was step dad) could not have been more different. My wife, though initially hostile, frustrated, angry and hurt, has eventually come to the place of acceptance of my transition and accommodation of what it means for both of us. She uses the right name and pronouns 99% or more of the time and even when she slips up I just let it ride. Things have got to the point between us that when we are out we are just two women, for example I did something yesterday and her reaction was to call me a silly woman. This caused us both to chuckle. This morning I was taking her to work and did something, I don't remember what, she responded that I would give us women a bad name. I laughed and replied that we already have one as far as men are concerned, and that men don't know anything. Both of these incidents were in the privacy of the car so nobody but us heard it. Looking back on that last reaction I think it indicates just how much my attitude has changed because, not only did I not have to think of the reaction, it happened in the most natural way possible.

Some may wonder why I refer to her as my wife when they think she should be a girlfriend, well the answer to that is simple. She is my wife because we are still married, she is my girlfriend because that is one other dimension of our relationship so I refer to her both ways. Her's and my relationship has evolved in its own peculiar direction and we are quite comfortable and happy with how it has evolved and is evolving. Where this interesting road will end up is anyone's guess but right now both of us are enjoying the ride. 

Her daughter, on the other hand, either can't or won't accept my transition. I will admit that the last few year have been some what rocky between us as my need to do something about an unknown condition got worse and sadly she wore the brunt of my anger and pain. I am truly sorry about what happened and I hope that one day she can come to the realization that there wasn't a lot that I could do about the way I felt or the way I was reacting. In the early days (yeah I know I'm not really that far in) of my transition I used to argue with her and try to force her to use my right name and pronouns. I have sat back recently and asked myself if this is a battle that is really worth fighting, I have come to the conclusion that if I give her the same kind of time and space that I gave my wife she may eventually come around but even if she doesn't I can now handle being wrong named by her, she many have to realize that it might take me some time to answer to a name and gender I no longer use.

My Mum is accepting, even if she doesn't fully understand why I am this way. She is in her 80s and, as with my stepdaughter, I am not going to fight the battle of getting her to use the right name and pronouns she has enough issues of her own and along with dealing with the terminal cancer of a cousin it is my feeling that she has enough on her plate. My brother and his partner are both accepting of my transition and my gender dysphoria, however there is much history that my brother and I have to work through.

I am at the stage now where I really don't like to pull out things like my bank card because the name and information on them is not correct. Even though I have not been questioned about it; its like I am still living a double life only one of the lives is now on paper only. I was going to do my name change here in the U.S. and then finish things off in Canada until I found out that British Columbia will not recognize a name change that is done outside of Canada. There seemed little point in paying for the same thing twice so I will have to tolerate the disconnect for several months more.

How far have I come? Hmm that is somewhat indicated by the length of this reflection; there is no way I could go back to living as the old me and be happy about it. Indeed having tasted life in the correct gender the results may well be dire if I was forced to. At my last appointment my Psychiatrist asked me how I am when I am out, I looked at him and said "what you see is what you get, I live and work as a woman with no thought of returning to my old life." I will be continuing with counseling but in three months I go to my last Psychiatrist's appointment. He told me that I had outgrown the need for his services. I am now basically where I want to be, living and working as a woman, accepted as one by most of the people around me. I have, indeed, arrived and it feels so good to know that I have come this far in the time I have been working at this. There is much further to go but I have much time to do it.

[Guest yvonne]

Joanna dear,

I'm so happy to read of your success and how it's affected your feelings. Thank you for taking the time to put it all out there for the rest of us to read.

You go, girl!

Yvonne