How's The Beast Today Ladies& Gentlemen?

[Guest Jolene4ever]

When I was going thru the AODA program I made some good friends especially my counseler. We have a good rapor we talk about EVERYTHING. Well she suggested that I start using my talents, we all have them. I was a little hesitant and shy because of all negativity my folks instilled in me. They told me I would never amount to anything and that all i would be was a truck driver, Gosh darned if they weren't right, by the way trukers can make good bucks. Anyway I have a penchant for photography and she said I should work on that. It took all the nerve i had to walk into the newspaper that day and ask if they could you some local nature. To my surprise they said yes. That was in March and to date I've had about a dozen printed. What I am trying tto say is the beast kept telling me that I was a loser, the beast that was me. Slowly my confidence came back and realized tha i can do it. Put the booze together with my gender confusion mix it together and it can be very potent. I think you all know who the beast is....that little whisper in your ear. No more rambling. Love Jolene

[pennyjane]

wow! congratulations, jolene! isn't often one gets published right out of the gate. yeah, the beast is a congenital liar. glad you don't listen anymore. lotsa love and hope, pj

[Guest Jolene4ever]

Hi PJ, oh you have to listen. It's always there. That's the nature of the beast. If anything good happens or if anything bad happens...it tells you to celebrate or it tells you to use. Sounds like a no win situation, don't it? Well it isn't. Thanks for replying. Jolene

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

My beast is doing very well today. Every blue moon it torments me with the whisper. like today i see my endo tomorrow and it is trying to get to me. That is why i got to go to meeting , call my sponsor and help other alcoholic. My beast like it when my life is good and things are happenening like success it trys to undermine that.

I'm glad we have a place to talk about drugs, alcohol, How to live sober and LIKE IT!!!

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_5.html

[pennyjane]

hi bobbi. you have the plan to undermine the beast! trust in God, He will see you through. good luck with the endo tomorrow, i'm sure your clean and sober body has everything under control. lotsa love and hope, pj

[Guest Jolene4ever]

Hi Bobbi or Robin-thanks for replying. It means alot to methat we can admit something others already know; but somehow we fail to see. When we do see we want to slap ourselves in the head and say how can we have been so stupid. There are other words that I can use but---ummm you get the drift. Take care. Jolene

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

Hi Bobbi or Robin-thanks for replying. It means alot to methat we can admit something others already know; but somehow we fail to see. When we do see we want to slap ourselves in the head and say how can we have been so stupid. There are other words that I can use but---ummm you get the drift. Take care. Jolene

No problem hon ...this help me remember that i am an alcoholic and sober. As for the name I'm a t-girl we changes our name at will. you should here all my names.

I will be Robin Kem something soon when i get done transitioning the people around me

[Guest Jolene4ever]

Hi Robin-I just got a letter from my AODA folks addressed to Jolene. It is so great to see that. Hopefully on August 9th I 'll grt my letter from my physchitrist. Then the fun begins. I am at the stage where I am busting out all over and I don

t even try to hide it anymore. I don't get sirred anymore so I must be at that androgenous stage. It's so cool to see the expressions on peoples' faces. Yet even with all the obvious changes I get the impression that most folks don't care and I am even seeing acceptance by the other women I come in contact with. Who knew that 14 months ago I would be where I am today. Jolene

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

Hon, Like my sponsor told me when i came out in the meeting three months ago. "Once it stop being an Issue with me I move on to the next one".

I just chaired in a meeting Wednesday and i said "some of you may have a issue with me and i must remember to leave you alone and give you the patience, love and tolerance of an alcoholic practicing the steps"

another thing to I'm getting quiet i dont feel the need to be out there. Plus i just started hormones on monday. Kinda self absorb listening to my body.

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

My beast is alive and well. I just had a Drunk Dream. What made the dream scary was i did not care one bit that i drank. The "f-it" or "oh well" attitude that can happen.

H.A.L.T = Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

Actually i was sic for the first time in 9 months with a summer cold. Also my birthday and anniversary is coming up. So the beast tried to used that against me and mount a probing attack.

Constant Vigilance i must have.. As i learn to live sober one day at a time. The beast gets stronger too waiting for that "F-it" or Oh well attitude to whisper to me that it is alright to drink or used. That you deserve to be numb.

It's a lie

Also, a friend let me down this week and it hurt. This person did not show up for a celebration. The hurt i felt maid me remember all the time i did not show up for My family, My Job, My friends and My life. It took another alcoholic's action or inactions for me to see the behaviors that i did in the past that made me lose the trust of other's.

One alcoholic working with another alcoholic is valuable in recovery. I can't see myself but I can see myself through you. Maybe then i can change my mind, actions or behaviors.

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_11.html

Hugs, Robin_p

[Guest Robin/bobbi]

Restless and lonely i was.

It's funny how the last thing we want to be is alone. Yet we isolated ourselves. (hanging out in your room on the computer in a virtual world is not good)

I had to shake it off and just go even though i felt raw and vulnerable. I'm having a good time despite the drama of life.

The jealous, the fear and the anger. I can't work on those thing by myself i need people for that, Neither can i wish them away either. I have to get uncomfortable before i can change.

This weekend was the first big snow storm for New England and it shut down most of the meeting on Sunday. I was lucky, one was open in the afternoon the people that show up to that one hour of peace were awesome. They restored the love that i have for the people in AA.

When we share our pain, we can walk through it together and learn New way's of living this life.

The Human Touch nothing beats it when i let myself be vulnerable, then i can love unconditionally

[Guest Robin/bobbi]

The Beast within is quiet. The drama of coming out and the holiday season are over. I realized that i didn't need my shields during the holiday season. I did not get hurt emotionally. I did have emotionally moments over money i don't have and made a desicion not to spend the money i don't have.

Pg 559 in the Big Book Of Alcoholic Annonymous, Fourth edition; Talks about the fantasy world vs living in reality. I'm enjoying living in reality as Robin. With all of the emotions and relationships. I had joy these past couple of week. My life is not much but, it is what it is.

My sponsor shock me this past friday. He said "Robin, Your almost 5 years sober" I was shocked it did not even dawn on me. 4 years ago i could not imagine the life i have today. 5 years ago the Beast was in controlled it did not want me dead i realize today, it wanted me to Suffer and Suffer.

So, I'm having a great time with the new job in AA and life in general. I check often and try to be aware of being Restless, Irrtable and Discontent. I tried to be aware when i am being selfish and childish. That is the Beast for me today.

IDK .. I'm Grateful