How Important Is Sex (as In The Activity)?

[Guest Ruben]

Okay.

The man (S) I talked to about my gender confusement (I don't really understand why I keep on using that term, really) & I also discussed sexuality.

What it boiled down to - as he pointed out, is that boys who like 'boyish girls' still like girls, and boys who like boys like... well, boys.

So, if I were to accept my body as it is it would mean that, if I'd get together with a boy who likes boys that wouldn't work for him because I lack certain parts and have others he doesn't care for.

If I get together with a boy who likes boyish girls, I'd still be the girl in the relationship, and he'd focus, during sex, on my female parts. S asked me if that would be in the way, and I think it would. Just the thought of my being 'the girl' ... I don't like it all that much. I hardly ever imagine 'it' like that, so to speak --- either it's two boys (usually) or me the boy with a girl (sometimes).

So I'd just have to hope, with my present body, to walk into that one singular person who's 'into' 'what' I am - a female who prefers to 'pretend' she's a boy, in that area as well. I know - the magic word seems 'bisexual.' But then still, he'd probably view me, in the end, as a girl (no hiding it when you'er naked is there )

On the other hand - I do feel at ease with the thought of being a male homosexual (not excluding bisexualism once on hormones - in fact, I feel something's shifting there a bit lately). It just feels... alright. Fitting.

Anywah - the idea of staying alone (I've never had a boyfriend yet and that's tricky too because without any real experience how can I be so sure being 'the girl' would bother me) because of all of this is a bit saddening at times.

In the consideration than, of possible transgenderism/transsexuality, sexuality is becoming quite a deal. And I'm not even saying anything about how much (more) 'fun' I think it'd be to have the other set of genitals in any case.

So the question is, really, how important a factor is sex/was sex for you in the whole transition process consideration? For me it seems to be one of the major themes around which my 'just leave it, accept you're a girl'-thought doesn't seem to 'work.'

[Guest Ryles_D]

It depends on how necessary a relationship is for you. For me- I could take them or leave them, I don't need a relationship, I barely even wanted one. I'm in a relationship now with a person who fully accepts me and my transitioning- but if I'd never met them, I wouldn't be searching and I wouldn't be miserable about it. But, for a lot of people, not having a relationship isn't an option for them.

If you really do need a relationship to be happy- you've got to take a long time to think about things. If you're willing to be the "girl", you'll have a whole lot more options, but you run the risk of being miserable in every relationship.

If you have to be a boy, whether or not you transition, you've just cut down a lot of your options. A lot of people aren't comfortable dating transpeople no matter what stage, so if you'll feel better about it fully transitioned then why not? And the relationships you do have will be limited to people who truly do accept you for who you are, so would probably be a lot more fulfilling.

I guess the question is this: Would you rather have a giant selection of poor quality relationships, or a hard to come by selection of high quality relationships?

[Guest Zabrak]

My boyfriend refers to me and thinks of me as a man, naked or not. He is bisexual and likes both the top and bottom roles. It is really that simple for me. If its not that way I wouldn't be with him or any other person. I don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend so not being with someone doesn't bother me. I also don't really understand why people feel the need to have a mate, life is life, its long enough to find someone for you if you want one.

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Sex has never been important to me. I have, actually, had my fair share of it and I have not enjoyed it at all. I just don't feel the urge for it. My last partner, however, required it for her to express her love. I express love in a different way. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I show my love through pure feeling. Like not touching or something but just "feeling." I show it in my voice, in my eyes, in my energy, and that's also how I like to be loved back. But I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find someone who can't forgo sex.

*sigh*

I don't know if my response is helpful to you or not.

-Anna

[Guest Mr.Yoav]

Okay, so I am 14, but I have never wanted a relationship or anything.

I often wonder about this, and I think a few people have had relationship problems because their partners don't get it.

[Guest Donna Jean]

You know, it's funny........

But, so many people think of sex as mainly interconnecting parts....Tab "A"....slot "B".....

Sex is many things to many people and for one to limit the definition to a very few acts does it a disservice!

Male, female, straight, bi, gay, Trans, ...it really doesn't matter....pleasure is pleasure....

And, although many people don't perceive it this way.....the ultimate is to please your partner and receive pleasure...

That is how it's meant to be....

Again, labels be damned!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

I am more than a bit unusual among my friends as sex has never really been a part of my life at all, even though I was married for almost 6 years I remain a virgin!

that is just how totally unimportant it is to me.

After my complete transition (the physical part) I have no idea if I will have an urge to 'try out the new equipment' or not.

Only time will tell so I would have to say that it has played no part in my transition.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest DeniseNM]

So the question is, really, how important a factor is sex/was sex for you in the whole transition process consideration? For me it seems to be one of the major themes around which my 'just leave it, accept you're a girl'-thought doesn't seem to 'work.'

Well for me sex and my sexual orientation has never been a factor in my being a transsexual and whether or not I will transition. Being trans is about my gender identity.

Now don't get me wrong I have had sex and enjoy it. My sexual orientation is bisexual leaning toward lesbian since I like females more than males, although here lately I have been leaning more toward being pansexual.

All of this is just me though and I am not about to say that how I feel or am is how everyone is or should be, it just is how I am. I enjoy sex but I base whether I am attracted to someone not on their gender or my gender but on the person themself. I consider myself a female, although right now I am seen as a male, but all that really matters to me is how I see myself.

Denise

[Guest Ruben]

Thanks everyone!!!

I'm not sure I 'need' or 'want' a long-term relationship. I am very much desiring to be intimate with someone though, and that for me does mean 'love and affection' are 'needed.'

But yeah. I don't really see myself finding that person, really.

Darnitwhycan'tIjustbeaboy.

[Guest CJwar]

hmm. Sex is pretty important to me. I have a girlfriend, and I think that communication, intimacy and our connectivity is great, but it really shines if we have all that plus sex.

So for me it's like a big circle, or maybe a big puzzle. All pieces are equally important to make the big picture. Does that make sense?

Sometimes I think I make way to many analogies.

[Guest skyy]

i like sex, even more now that i have my hormones. but i still dont use the plumbing i've got. i've done so on two occasions, one on hormones and one before hormones. neither was that pleasant, and i dont really care to try again. the trick is that i've mastered a sort of mental exercise that makes me 'feel' like i have the parts i'm supposed to have. my sensory input doesnt know the difference. its quite effective, to the point of climax, but without all the male plumbing getting involved and ruining the moment. until i am post-op, its the closest i'll have, but it is good enough for me

if i werent seen as a girl, then there is no way i'd be doing anything. just not gonna happen, i dont like it. i imagine its like the feeling gay people get from heterosexual sex. besides that, i dont have many restrictions, and my mental exercise allows me to be satisfied without all that unpleasentness.

i'm in a very committed relationship, so i cant really say if having someone around is important in a casual sense (never having it happen that way). from what i recall, i didnt really care to date, and i cant imagine hormones really changed that. i sore of just chose the one and went with it from then on out (over two years and still counting ). very uncommon and unlikely, i know, but nothing in my life seems to be ordinary

in a broader sense, sex isnt the most important thing in the world. i can do without if it is for good reason. i'm not addicted to is in that sense. but i DO like it a lot. i had a healthy libedo before hormones, but afterwords, it shot through the roof. its not as panicky and blinding as male, and is more enveloping and peaceful, which i'm far more comfortable with. that is most likely the reason for the increase. so i guess the answer is yes and no. now that i've shared more than anyone really wanted to know about me, i'm going to bed.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

For me it isnt, havent had sex for nearly a year and dont miss it

[Guest N. Jane]

Well AG your question reminds me a lot of my own puzzle back when I was a teen (a LONG time ago before anyone ever heard the word "transsexual") and how hard it was to figure it out.

I was attracted to boys, WAY attracted to straight boys, and they were attracted to me because they were attracted to girls but I was supposed to be male so sex (the act) was never going to come into it. There were one or two Gay guys (who liked femme boys) attracted to me but I didn't see myself as a Gay male so that wasn't going to happen either! There were a couple of girls over the years that thought I would make a good partner, a gentle, thoughtful "guy", but that didn't work for me. Sex was (or would have been) really important for me but there just wasn't any combination that I could really get into.

What HAD to happen, for me, was to put everything right (or as right as it could be) and live my life according to my mind and my heart - as a girl. Once my head was in the right space and I was happy with the rest of my life, sex and relationships sort of worked themselves out.

I was still mainly attracted to guys and my "flings" were with guys but there were a few girls here and there over the years. What mattered most for me was the "social dynamics" of the relationship, being seen and treated as just a normal girl by someone who was "a normal guy", regardless of what "equipment" they may have. I could quite comfortably have been partnered with a FtM. Regardless of "the bits" it is all about the dynamics, what is going on in your partner's head and your head. If the dynamics are right, everything else will work out.

[Guest AshleeB]

i know my reply isnt exactly profound or enlightnening...

but my view is simple and i think its coz i have NO sex drive what so ever...

sex is unimportant. lol but i guess your friend had a point... it seems a hard one to work around...

Lots of love

Ashlee

[Guest scooby]

i agree with Donna Jean!

Scooby x

[Guest angie]

I also don't really understand why people feel the need to have a mate, life is life, its long enough to find someone for you if you want one.

That is a good life philosophy Z-man.

Because I dang sure want one,will I find one,I can only hope so.

Angie

[Guest angie]

After my complete transition (the physical part) I have no idea if I will have an urge to 'try out the new equipment' or not.

Love ya,

Sally

Oh I will use my parts very willingly once I am healed.And am anxious to see how It feels to have

my lover slide inside of me the way it should be.

Angie

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thanks again, everyone, for such open responses!

I've had a weekend full of revelations and one of them was that I don't want anyone seeing and touching me sexually as I am now. I simply have no sexual desires or fantasies that include me as a/the female. I've realized this is the reason I've failed to present myself as... available to guys. Trying to avoid being percieved as a sexual being, period - unconsciously but yeas.

Kind of painful; I'm 22, I'm... well my libido's exceeding, but if I decide to accept this body I won't want anyone near it and if I transition it'll be, what, 5 years in the making? Noooo! Am I truly going to be ... 27 and never been kissed? That sucks... fingers crossed until they cramp out that I'll miraculously run into that one guy with whom I can share a mutual love that can wait for those sexual activities...

[Guest Robin Winter]

Sex, or rather, intimacy, is pretty important to me. But, I'm not that active, my *needs* come and go. I think I might have sex, maybe on average once a month, though I USUALLY avoid intercourse. I'm not comfortable using my boy bits, but sometimes my need for intimacy outweighs my hangups. I guess I get around the uncomfortable feelings by imagining it's a strapped on version. Kinda silly, but it helps.

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

I have had my share of sexual partners over the years mostly guys over girls. I've always been attracted to strait men though, gay men just don't hit it with me sexually. I can no longer see myself with a female as a male and will never have sex in that manor again. When I started my transition I had lost all hope of finding a mate because Missouri law let's me marry a man after SRS but I have to disclose my past, with that I had given up. But to my surprise a close friend of mine that I had been doing disabled rights advocacy with Larry, he and I started getting closer than before since I started my transition. Well we both feel head over heals in love with each and had our first date on New Years Eve 2008 and since we have been inseparable. He started staying with me shortly after our first date and in March of 2009 we moved into an apt of our own together and have been living as man & wife.

Now the one thing about Larry he is hopelessly strait and he won't touch anything that is male that's left on me, Happy Happy Joy Joy!!! He has patiently waited two years for me to have my SRS performed. We do have sex in a limited way right now as much as we can, but he keeps telling me he's going to get me as soon as the surgeon gets done with me. But I know he's going to wait until I'm ready but I'm a little scared about losing my virginity again. Right now sex is not as important to me as it use to be, I can take it or leave it. My sex drive is that of a woman my age which I personally enjoy. But we are both anticipating that it will be a very nice part of our relationship.

Charlene Leona

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Thanks again, everyone, for such open responses!

I've had a weekend full of revelations and one of them was that I don't want anyone seeing and touching me sexually as I am now. I simply have no sexual desires or fantasies that include me as a/the female. I've realized this is the reason I've failed to present myself as... available to guys. Trying to avoid being percieved as a sexual being, period - unconsciously but yeas.

Kind of painful; I'm 22, I'm... well my libido's exceeding, but if I decide to accept this body I won't want anyone near it and if I transition it'll be, what, 5 years in the making? Noooo! Am I truly going to be ... 27 and never been kissed? That sucks... fingers crossed until they cramp out that I'll miraculously run into that one guy with whom I can share a mutual love that can wait for those sexual activities...

right now for me sex is intimacy, and not the act, that means a good cuddle with my wife is plenty. Idont miss the act and cant add to the world population anyway; Spironolactone has seen to that.

[Guest scooby]

yep-i also agree with Joanna-

for me-im full of t so yeah-sex is important-having said this-i have the wrong bits and pieces-

also-i see more than the sexual act-and i think intamicy is important-

and i think that as trans-people-the intamicy is more inportant to us than most people-

i think that we often think we in a bad posision-but i dont think we are-i think we re in a better posision-because of the way we are-we can find a way round it-

can you see what im saying?

scooby x

[Guest angie]

yep-i also agree with Joanna-

for me-im full of t so yeah-sex is important-having said this-i have the wrong bits and pieces-

also-i see more than the sexual act-and i think intamicy is important-

and i think that as trans-people-the intamicy is more inportant to us than most people-

i think that we often think we in a bad posision-but i dont think we are-i think we re in a better posision-because of the way we are-we can find a way round it-

can you see what im saying?

scooby x

Well yeah I can,

Intimacy is so much more satisfying as a woman.With a man it is all about the visual.

While with the ladies,everything counts, mood, scent, lighting and setting that makes the moment special.It is taking your sweet time and enjoying each others company and attention.And young Scooby,once on hormone therapy for a few months,desire about goes away or at least diminishes dramatically very quickly.

Angie

[Guest Melanieshaman]

You know, it's funny........

But, so many people think of sex as mainly interconnecting parts....Tab "A"....slot "B".....

Sex is many things to many people and for one to limit the definition to a very few acts does it a disservice!

Male, female, straight, bi, gay, Trans, ...it really doesn't matter....pleasure is pleasure....

And, although many people don't perceive it this way.....the ultimate is to please your partner and receive pleasure...

That is how it's meant to be....

Again, labels be damned!

Donna Jean

Wise words from a wise woman

This is so very true

[Guest ricka]

,once on hormone therapy for a few months,desire about goes away or at least diminishes dramatically very quickly.

Angie

I gathered that and for that reason alone would preclude my going on HRT and subsequently having SRS , although like you Angie I would like very much to experience the joy and fulfillment of having my lover penetrate me as a woman.

Being "hard-wired" sexually as a female I do have a much stronger need to be romanced and need to be kissed and cuddled and caressed to feel fulfilled sexually and I mostly experience "body" orgasms as opposed to ejaculatory orgasms.

ricka