Just.... Ouch

[Guest Ruben]

I don't want to offend anyone, and this is not a judgement or a conclusion or anything about anyone outside myself; this is purely meta-analytical.

While talking about relationships and how difficult it is to find someone who'll accept you as you are - in general but specifically also if you're ' deviant' - I was reminded that, no matter what, I will never be a real man (as in, biologically).

So even if I'd be living as a male, even IF I'd find a special someone to have a relationship with (as a female I don't see that happening at all, as a male I would like it I think) - I just cannot imagine it, really.

Suppose I'd go through the whole process - the testosterone, the surgeries, the legal sex & name changes.

There'd still be, there'd always be, the past.

When I'd apply for a job and would have to give references I'd have to explain why my former employer refers to me as a female; why there's a female name on my diplomas.

When (no, if) in an honest intimate relationship there is no way around revealing, in the end, my biologically given sex. There'd be scars. There'd be pictures of me as a child, stories of me as a child. There - a random suggestion - might be parents who refer to me as a female.

Even if I would go back to Australia, start over, with no tangible past and no one who'll remember me from 'back when i was a girl.' There would always - always, always - be the knowledge that I am not a real man, but a transsexual. A man-who-once-was-a-woman.

I don't want to be a transsexual. I want to be a boy. Which means there is no way between earth and Heaven for me to become that which I desire to be. And, besides that, I've already missed out on boyhood, male puberty, adolescence.

And also, as an aside - why do I keep telling myself that 'maybe' I'm 'transgendered' or 'just a bit of a weird, boyish girl'?

If thoughts like these hurt like this - when I'm thinking God please just give me a do-over in a different body?

I know it's late, and I think my monthly period is coming, so maybe I'll feel better in the morning but love. Right now that all just hurts like hell and I needed to get it out of the system.

[Guest Zabrak]

I went through school with my male name so school stuff wont effect me. If you didn't go through school as a boy can you not have your records changed? In Canada we can change any record, it just takes time and effort and some times money. Also, all it took was me was calling my old jobs and explaining who I was to the boss only. So if someone calls for me and calls me he/male name then they know why. The boss has to keep my personal info to himself and cannot by law go around telling people about me or any one who calls about me. He has to respect my word or I could sue him here. Beside, everyone I called was cool about me. I do not have to put any job on my resume if I want and people can't search my job background without getting my concent anyway.

I am a 'real' man because who says 'real' men have to be born all male? What about people born half and half then decide to go either way? Their real gender is what they choose. Although, I can understand your fear.

I have a boyfriend and put little to no effort in looking for one. It just happend. Many, many transmen have boyfriends or girlfriends. Why do you think /you/ are different in some way that you will not find one?

Look into your laws and rights as a transperson. It might not be as scary as you think. However, I only know Canadian laws so I cannot be 100% sure about you.

[Guest kyattei]

"When I'd apply for a job and would have to give references I'd have to explain why my former employer refers to me as a female; why there's a female name on my diplomas."

If it's really an issue for you, you could start from an entry level position (ie - no references/prior work experience) and work your way up. There's lots of jobs that don't require a diploma or work experience if you're patient enough and know where they are or who they're with. And there's lots of open-minded and LGBTQetc bosses nowadays too that prolly will just assume you're trans and not bother questioning it any further. And in a lot of areas of the world, it's illegal for them to ask if you are anyhow, and just as illegal to reject you or fire you for being one.

"There would always - always, always - be the knowledge that I am not a real man, but a transsexual. "

But if it's what you want to be and what you work towards becoming, then you are a real man; at least that's what I feel... A real man who worked (or will work) for every shred of masculinity he has and earned it all. I think that "real" men and women are the ones who devoted their life to pursuing what they want to be and endured all the hardships that came with becoming that. Not the ones that were just born into it and take it for granted.

"When (no, if) in an honest intimate relationship there is no way around revealing, in the end, my biologically given sex."

There's plenty of people out there, trans and otherwise, that won't mind at all what you use to be. You wouldn't need to hide it if the person cares about you enough and is accepting. I've talked with two FTMs, one dates a man, the other dates a woman. Both lead perfectly normal relationships with mates that see them as men.

"If thoughts like these hurt like this - when I'm thinking God please just give me a do-over in a different body?"

Try your best to not think like this... it's easy to feel this way, but it's not at all good for your health to wish ill on your body or life or beat yourself up over something you had no control over. When you start feeling this way, try to take a step back from transitioning for a bit until you can collect your thoughts, and come back when you're feeling less depressed and can view things from a more objective or productive point of view?

"I don't want to be a transsexual."

I know it's so hard and scary to get past this, but try to stay positive and take an optimistic view on life. Being a transsexual isn't all bad, you'll learn more about yourself and about being a man than most cismen ever do. And the experiences you gain, one day, you'll be able to use to help others who are going through what you did. And you'll know that you worked hard and earned every bit of masculinity and recognition you get.

Stay strong Ruben, and I hope everything works out for you. *hugs*

[Guest Ruben]

Oh, guys! Thanks heeps.

Well, I was right that a good night's sleep got me back my perspective, but your responses also help heeps. You got some great ideas and great notions! Thanks a million, seriously

I'm not usually depressed about this at all, really. Up to now I've been preoccupied with the whole 'thing' in the mood of an explorer investigating new territory or something. I guess stuff just misplaced itself a bit last night. Booy howdy go with the cryptic!

[Sally]

Hey Ruben,

I am waiting to call you by your other name until you get back to me on that PM about changing your user name.

I have read your doubts and the responses of our wonderful FTMs - they hit it right on.

Even J told me very early in my time here back when I was shy and afraid to post that I wasn't about to start transitioning but I had already transitioned in mind.

He went on to say that for all of the doubts about your body and passing you ARE a woman and will always be a woman even if you never transition physically - for you that would be you are a man!

Listen to them and put those thoughts out of your mind.

As to the past always being there it is true but do remember that everyone has parts of their past even if they are not transgendered.

Names on records can be changed and former employers can be asked to refer to you by your new name.

Life is what you make of it - I am going to make my new life better than my past and that is a challenge because I traveled to every continent and sailed on almost every ocean.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Adrian]

You'd be suprised the number of 'regular' people are happy to have relationshonships with a trans person once they are over the initial idea of the process. If the initial reaction scares you then yeah it's hard but you would probably get used to it... I hope I will. Later on, when someone - friend, girlfriend / boyfriend - knows you well, they should see you as male.

And just for the record if you are a slightly girly boy, that doesn't make you transgendered or anything.

Me, I'm not 'girly' at all, but when I have a few drinks, I just love to play it camp. It makes me laugh and everyone else.

I've been told, in affect, I seem to cute (or is it cutesy?) to be male. But I don't really let it bother me, because I'm the only one who knows.

I'll never be a 'macho macho' man, but I don't care. That's all a bit old school in my opinion, especially where I live right now, where being a slightly effeminate boy seems to come as standard. We call it metrosexual, haha.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I don't want to be a transsexual. I want to be a boy.

That says it all, Hon.....

I know how you feel.....

Love

Donna Jean