Intersexed, Made A Man But I'm Not.

[Guest Lindsey59]

Hi all,

Yes, being intersexed is real. I am intersexed.

I have a two inch scar where I once was female, and the doctors cut it out and sewed me shut, leaving fully functioning male parts only. I had most of my female parts fairly exposed, yet the doctor played God and made me male....he thought he was doing me a favor to make me a boy. The testicles and male hormones ruined my body yet I have more female bone structure, small hips and still had a fairly feminine butt from puberty ( I have size B breasts due to the hormones i've taken ove the years, (I want to be a full C), I tried to hid it all for fear someone would find out that I was part woman in the past, but I really don't care anymore who sees what through my clothing. God forbid if there was anyone different than the "norm" in my small home town. If anyone had found out, it would have been all over town that I was a freak, so I hid my heart (who I am), and body as much as possible.

My diagnosis from 2 gender specialists, my brain is female since birth, and all I have of my physical female half is a scar ( and man made breasts, very little my own natural body produced estrogen and progesterone).

It really hurts sometimes. I got robbed of my first period, watching my body change into a young woman, never getting to enjoy being the woman I am, fixing my hair, painting my fingers and toe nails with female friends that never happened, going shopping for new cloths and shoes, short shorts, tight jeans, teasing the boys, sleepovers with girlfriends, long talks with a female best friend, going though puberty with other girls my age... all this I wanted more than life itself yet, it never happened.

Yes, I went through the same things as others like me, getting picked on when I was a kid, wanting to be friends with girls and to be like they were, but could not. This was so painful, and still is at a manageable level. (I'm almost 50 now). I'll never forget the first time in 7th grade, 4 girls all called eahc other and coordinated what to wear one day at school.. dresses, blouses and skirts, pantyhose and heels. I fought off the worst jealousy and gripping heartbreak I have ever had in my life, I just went home that afternoon and cried, then cried some more. There was no one to talk to, or understand living on a farm like that way out in the country.

So as you can tell, my childhood was filled with confusion, raised on a farm with two brothers (I was adopted 10 days after my infant surgery to (correct me to the wrong gender). My adoptive parrents were not even allowed to know, but I'm yet to figure out how my mother did not notice the scar. It's very plain to see. I think they new, but were told to keep a lid on it so I would not be "confused" HA (sadly spoken)

My father beat me on several occasions because of my confusion, and neither parent were able to address the issue, and would not speak of it. They forced me to be a male. My mother could not understand why I was trying on women's clothes. It was just exciting and natural, but how embarrassed I was made to feel by my parents. I was so ashamed.

Do you know how hard it is to see girls your same age standing off form you because you were a "boy" when all I wanted was girl friends to run with. One problem, I dared never tell anyone! Gym class at school was very difficult. I feared someone would see me in the locker room.

I've been to gender disphoria clinics and two specialists with 4 other therapists, tested until I was purple. They all say the same thing...I had gender issues. Duh! I cannot afford the expensive tests, hormones are expensive enough.

Thank God for several good endocrinologists and some rather intense hormone therapy over the years. I was a fairly attractive woman in the late 80's to early 90s with extra parts I did not want and never wanted. Always having to hid it, tape, tight panties, anything to feel like I could 'fit in" with the other girls.

I was married to a girl for a whole year in the early 80s as I thought it was the right thing to do, and tried to please my parents by doing it. I just could not handle it. It was not right. I was supposed to be where my wife was, not a husband. I learned a big lesson...at least I thought.

I almost made it to corrective surgery, but allowed fellow believers in Jesus Christ to talk me out of it. The job I had at that time threatened to fire me if I even mentioned corrective surgery. They told me it was a sin. Just how can that be a sin..I never asked to be a boy. I thought I wasto be a pretty girl.

The truth is, I am a woman in a doctor-made male body (modified some by the hormones now), which breaks my heart on a regular basis. It really peeves me that surgeons can determine what sex an intersex baby should be.

I was stupid again and re-married. My wife knows, but has a very hard time (understandably) that I cannot live as a man anymore. My hormones are crazy because I allowed the prior brain washing to come back and kick me again, thus why I got re-married.

I have finally made up my mind that I just cannot do this anymore. If I cannot be the woman I was supposed to be now-today, I will go insane. Corrective surgery is not covered by insurance plans available to me here. $17,000+ just to get rid of the male parts and put one half of the female back, not to mention and the $2-4K to get rid of the testosterone formed abnormalities like a small adams apple and hair re-growth on my head..but it has got to be done this time...it just must be done. I cannot let this go anymore. Enough is enough. How I will ever get the money to do this I haven't clue. I am committed though, and can only hope there is help out there somewhere to get surgery.

I do have a Christ following Church family now, but the pastoral staff, and one other female friend I told in my choir are having a difficult time with it. I knew better than to tell anyone, but I did it anyway like a stoop. I'm my own worst enemy.

I am very sorry this got so long. There is so much more, but I would do well to stop writing now.

Thank you for reading this.

Lindsey (my real name).

[Sally]

Lindsey,

I can identify with your feelings about watching all of the other little girls and feeling jealous but only from the aspect of being transgendered and knowing that I should be a woman but for you - they had a fifty- fifty chance of getting it right but they always go for male.

There is supposed to be something wonderful about having a masculine child so that is what they do.

I would think that by now it would be a good idea to wait before doing anything about selecting a gender until the child is old enough to be tested and to make his or her own determination.

It is my understanding that until the onset of puberty that it really is not a health issue just to make everyone else more comfortable.

Well you are on your way now and you have found a great place to be yourself.

So come on into the member's lounge and get comfy, I'll bring you some of my fresh baked cookies and some of Donna Jean's hot cocoa, she always makes some in the mornings.

Welcome to the family and know that this is where you can be you, no judgement and no expectations just be happy.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Robin Winter]

It must be doubly hard for you, knowing that you already had the right parts to be you and they were taken from you

I can only imagine how much anger that would create in me.

I'm so sorry this was done to you, and I hope it all falls into place as smoothly as possible as you continue to work toward correcting it.

*Hugs*

[Guest rachael1]

Hi Lindsey,

Welcome to Laura's that sure was a long introduction but it always feels good to talk about things that upset us.

I'm not intersexed but can relate to some of the thing you have said and sometimes feel sad for what might have been.

I look forward to seeing you around the boards

Hugs

Rachael

[Bulldog1948]

Hi Lindsey and welcome to Laura's. This is an excellant site with so much to offer those who are seeking help and understanding.

Man, what a story you have. I'm 61 and intersexed also. I was brought up in a small rural area where the good ole country drs didn't know much of anything. You were either a boy or a girl or so they thought anyway. ha ha , what a crock of crap that is. I was raised as a girl [ that was the biggest farce in a 10 county area]. Pardon the expression, but I looked like a yoy know what in drag. I was the biggest tomboy in the school, could outfight,out play sports over any of my male counterparts.

But,I have lived fulltime as a man now for many years and have been legally married to two differnet women. My first wife passed away and my second wife and I have been married for almost 17 years now.

I can fully empathise with you, as I've walked down that long and lonley hiway. It's a pure hell on earth that few can truly understand unless they've had to endure it. The little country church I'd attened as a kid, well some of the members can cope with it, but a few cannot, so to keep the confusion down we don't attend church there.

I also want to add that my wife and i are Christians. I just hate to hear that so-called well meaning Christians had disuaded you from your first attempt to have corrective surgery.And, now that you've seemingly reached your rope's end, your new church family may try to do the same. But, they are not being influenced by the Holy Spirit because the Lord wants you to be happy with yourself. And, from what you've said concurring with the gender therpatherists and other test, that you were born both ways and the drs chose to make you man and in reality your brain said and still says you are a female. If you have too, I would take that info to your pastor,present it to him and if he and any other church members try to disuade you again from having this life saving surgey; then cast them aside, wipe the dust from your sandals and proceed forward and not backwards. Because, I'm afraid that if you don't get this surgery done, they're going to be gazing down upon the shell of a man in his casket. And, I'm sure that you don't want that to happen.

Type in Dr. Marci Bowers, she does corrective surgery out in Trinidad Colorado. Contact her, with your story and all of your info. Maybe, just maybe she'll take you on a s a pro-bono or time payment paitien. So, start praying and ask God to open up the doors that need to be opened for you.

God Bless,

Mike

[Guest Lindsey59]

Thank you all for your kindness and support. You all are very kind.

Mike, thank you for sharing your past troubles too, just on the opposite sex end. Your testimony has helped me much and thank you so much for it.

I E-mailed DR. Bowers, but I'm sure she can't help without the money up front. I got an auto response telling me the options and payment is required before anything can be done, including full payment for any kind of surgery up front.

I am also sure that she would require me to pay for a battery of physiological and sociological testing as I have no clue what ever happened to the gender specialist in Omaha I saw back in 1983. He was elderly then, and just a year from quitting his practice. My other doctor quit his practice and went to work for the Clinton Administration years ago, and there's no sign of him anymore either.

It is a shame all that is required even though I physically have (had) one half female, with a brain that is a woman. I don't need to keep proving that (I did not think).

I guess I'll hang in there until God opens a door, or in my case, opens up the whole house! lol

Lindsey

[Bulldog1948]

Thank you all for your kindness and support. You all are very kind.

Mike, thank you for sharing your past troubles too, just on the opposite sex end. Your testimony has helped me much and thank you so much for it.

I E-mailed DR. Bowers, but I'm sure she can't help without the money up front. I got an auto response telling me the options and payment is required before anything can be done, including full payment for any kind of surgery up front.

I am also sure that she would require me to pay for a battery of physiological and sociological testing as I have no clue what ever happened to the gender specialist in Omaha I saw back in 1983. He was elderly then, and just a year from quitting his practice. My other doctor quit his practice and went to work for the Clinton Administration years ago, and there's no sign of him anymore either.

It is a shame all that is required even though I physically have (had) one half female, with a brain that is a woman. I don't need to keep proving that (I did not think).

I guess I'll hang in there until God opens a door, or in my case, opens up the whole house! lol

Lindsey

Lindsey,

Thank you for your kind words. Listen, do not give up, as I am positive that God will open the right door for you, He always does if we ae listen and are paitent.

As far as Dr. Bowers goes. As far as the sutomatted email goes. Heck, that's just standard operating procedure to give a prosepctive client the basic info. But, don't stop there. She also has a phone number on her website or there should be one. Call and speak to nurse, and explain your situation. And, go from there. If that doesn't pan out, I have other surgeons names and ph numbers that you can try. When one is in such a desperate situation, one must keep going forward at all costs. now, I'm not saying that you don't need to listen to what God has to say. I'm just saying to keep your head up, and keep on ptruckin'. If that amkes any sense lol.

Listen you only need 3 more posts before we an PM back and forth. So, get your 3 post in. I would prefer speaking to you privately on this matter, if you don't mind.

God Bless,

Mike

[Sally]

Lindsey,

Do get back in touch with Dr. Bowers' office - I had exchanged a number of E-mails with Robin, she is the office manager and an artist as well (she has a link to her art website - you might check that out) she is the first one on the Meet The Staff Page.

They start out with an automated answer but you can ask more questions and Robin will respond personally.

I have also had very good luck with Dr. Christine McGinn - I even got personal responses from her when I was looking for someone to manage my HRT.

You can try either her name or the Papillion Center.

Good luck.

Love ya,

Sally

[Bulldog1948]

Lindsey,

Do get back in touch with Dr. Bowers' office - I had exchanged a number of E-mails with Robin, she is the office manager and an artist as well (she has a link to her art website - you might check that out) she is the first one on the Meet The Staff Page.

They start out with an automated answer but you can ask more questions and Robin will respond personally.

I have also had very good luck with Dr. Christine McGinn - I even got personal responses from her when I was looking for someone to manage my HRT.

You can try either her name or the Papillion Center.

Good luck.

Love ya,

Sally

Moma Sally,

Thank you ever so much for this added info, I really do appreciate it and hopefully so will Lindsey.

I do know that Dr Bowers is a compassionette human being and I feel that she might become involved with this problem. I sure hope so.

You know, sometimes people do have insurance but they may or may not cover SRS. Other times people only have so much money that they can pay to have SRS done. Usually, the drs can and will figure all of this out. They have a knack [ or their chief nurse] has a knack for sniffing out all of the important info.

There are so many Tss and intersexuals out there who are desparate for medical help.

I also like Dr McGinn. Shes new and seems to really care about her paitents. She's closer to me than Bowers is and if I were going to have surgery done I'd probably go to her. But, then again, Marci has far more experience in this field.

Mike

[Guest Lindsey59]

Thank you both Sally and Mike. I'll see about calling to find out if I don't get an E-mail back.

BTW Mike..I think this is my 5th message. I've become a real forum hog! :Plol

Lindsey.

[Bulldog1948]

Thank you both Sally and Mike. I'll see about calling to find out if I don't get an E-mail back.

BTW Mike..I think this is my 5th message. I've become a real forum hog! :Plol

Lindsey.

That's okay, wait till you have as many posts as Moma Sally and some of the other girls have on the forum.

Mike

[Guest Ryles_D]

It's awful when that happens. I'm disgusted that people still think they can, essentially, "play god" and choose a person's gender like that. I've heard from other people who, like you, had functioning female bits, but they decided that wasn't right so got rid of them and thought they could make the kid a boy. I'm sure it works fine about half the time, but the other half it's a terrible thing to do to anyone.

I'm sorry that happened, and that you had to go through that life just because some idiot thought they were doing you a favor. It's a terrible system, and I hope it's getting better. I hope you can find a way to transition- it's not optimal, but hopefully you can live hte rest of your life as you should've lived all of it.