I Couldn't Do It...

[Guest Adrian]

To suceed in this would have been a point of pride for me. Just why destroying myself is the aim I don't know but...

One time, recently, a 'friend' of mine spoke plainly as she does and made a comment about how much I was eating... Same old story I'm sure.

Now I've been very obsessive over my weight in the past. I hate what it does to my shape and I hate that it hides the muscle I work so hard to build.

That particular day I took myself into the loo and rammed my fingers down my throat as far and far as I could... I retched heavily and my fingers slipped forward. I had to breathe then, so i stopped a second before trying again. That time, I choked and gasped and my head swan for a good minute before I could even bring my fingers near my mouth again. Nothing was coming back out, just saliva, but i felt awful without the promise of relief. I felt like someone wrung my stomach out like a sponge. I shook from the waste down.

After two more fruitless attempts my eyes were watering and I still had had no sucess in purging. I felt... Pathetic, would be the word, but it isn't strong enough. I just sat hunched on the stone toilet floor for ages, still weak and also with the sensation like the blood vessels in my face were close to bursting, especially at the top part of my nose.

But, I couldn't do it again and it could be a long while before I ever try... It was that unpleasently memorable. I hear it gest easier as you go, but it just wasn't something I could do. I should think this a good thing, but even from the perspective of being away from that situation, I still quite iwsh I had managed it... If only to privatly spite my friend. Is childish, I know, but there it is.

In case you wonder, I am eight stone and two pounds (or so I was recently weighed as at the doctors). I'm 5"2, so that makes me about average weight. Average BMI. Should be pleased. But I'm not. I spend a huge amount of time in the gym and am never satisfied with my day's endevors.

[Guest Angel21]

once you start purging it is hard to stop believe me i know what you are going through not matter what i say wont make you feel any better about yourself that has to come from you learning to love yourself no matter what size you are

is there any one that you trust that you can talk to about these issues any one you think will be understanding

am here if you need to talk more

take care

Angel

[Guest AlexanderG]

I agree with Angel. It's addictive stuff, and at first it may make you feel victorious and superior - in the end you won't be able to go without.

I purge a lot but I'm still at an average weight and am altogether physically weak and constantly tired. Trust me. You don't want to start this. I'd definitely recommend you work this out before it gets any worse. I still wish my mother had been good on her threat to drag me to the GP 5 years ago.

Take care, dude.

Alex

[Guest Adrian]

Yeah... It's like I know the logical thing to do would be to not start (like smoking, which I started at eighteen) - studied EDs for A Level Psychology and everything, but I don't feel it, in my heart - the logic I mean. Just isn't there.

I can look at the people closest to me who have had EDs and look at what it does to them. I have a mate younger than me and I saw pictures of her skeletal thin a few years back. made me want to throw up just from the concept that she would feel the need to do that to herself.

After that I sorta see what it could do to me... But it still feels like it'd be different, like it will in some way solve something.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Yeah... It's like I know the logical thing to do would be to not start (like smoking, which I started at eighteen) - studied EDs for A Level Psychology and everything, but I don't feel it, in my heart - the logic I mean. Just isn't there.

I can look at the people closest to me who have had EDs and look at what it does to them. I have a mate younger than me and I saw pictures of her skeletal thin a few years back. made me want to throw up just from the concept that she would feel the need to do that to herself.

After that I sorta see what it could do to me... But it still feels like it'd be different, like it will in some way solve something.

*brings out da cliche*

I know what you mean. 'for me it'll be different - I won't become like that - I'll know when to stop - I'm not going to get hurt/die from this' - et cetera.

I just really hope you'll be able to steer yourself away from this ravine. - really.

Alex

[Guest Adrian]

I agree with Angel. It's addictive stuff, and at first it may make you feel victorious and superior - in the end you won't be able to go without.

I purge a lot but I'm still at an average weight and am altogether physically weak and constantly tired. Trust me. You don't want to start this. I'd definitely recommend you work this out before it gets any worse. I still wish my mother had been good on her threat to drag me to the GP 5 years ago.

Take care, dude.

Alex

I know that weak feeling. I've had it before, not from eating too little which appears to be having no affect on my shrunken stomach whatsoever, but from malnutrition, where I could only cook baked beans so that was all I ate. i was under the impression it would be enough, but the lack of iron in particular killed me. If I'm going to feel like that I may as well lose fat.