Transgendered Or Just A Tomboy?

[Guest AlexiThink]

The earliest I consciously remember wanting to be a boy was when I was 8 years old. I gave away all of my barbies and dolls and would only agree to play with them at friends' houses with two strict conditions. No playing dress-up barbie, and I was only expected to play as Ken.

I remember wanting to be a boy almost constantly up until I was 14, refusing to wear anything but my dad's old sweaters, unisex tee shirts and jeans, despising being called cute, never ever wearing my hair up, having no interest in make-up or any of the girly stuff my friends were into. When I was forced to dress up for church or special occasions, I wore suits.

When I was 14, a friend told me about the LGBTQ community and took me to a school meeting. I was instantly terrified although at the time I didn't know why. My parents had made very clear the life they wanted for me. I was to go to university for law, start my career, then meet a financially stable Roman Catholic man who would be able to support us while I raised our child and worked from home. According to my upbringing, the ideas that were presenting themselves to me were not to be tolerated at all, and I shut them out. I craved normalcy, (whatever that is) and I tried my hardest to be "normal" from then on.

I was very homophobic for about 3 years, but when I met my wife, knowing even at that time that the idealized life in my head would never be mine, I didn't care and my whole outlook changed. We talked often about her gender identity, and about 6 months into our relationship, she called me on my gender issues.

That was over a year ago, and since then I've been very confused. Periodically I've been having these bouts of gender dysphoria (hating my body, my birth name, getting angry when my spouse calls me by it and does things for me like offer an arm while we're out walking or open the door for me when in man-mode.) When I'm like this, I seem to be incredibly angry at everyone and everything, constantly. Also, when I'm like this, dressing in men's clothing and trying to take on the role of a man often makes me even angrier, because its not good enough. I want the body to match.

The thing is, I don't know what the point of these feelings is when I know for a fact that I'll never go through with SRS. When I'm not feeling the gender dysphoria (which is about half of the time), I'm completely indifferent to my body image. I just go around as a girl in my tees and jeans and suits and all's fine with the world. So why go through the physical pain and the emotional hardship of transition for something that only distresses me half of the time? If that's the case, even if I am transgendered, what am I supposed to do about it?

I'm sorry, I know this is a long rant. I'm just confused right now about who and what I am.

[Guest CJwar]

it can be very confusing. I don't know if you're doing it but have you spoken with a therapist about this. I really think they can help you connect the dots. Because if you are only bothered by it sometimes, then there is no need to shell out all that money for surgeries or hrt if you are okay half of the time.

So I think maybe if you talk with a therapist they can help you figure out the big picture.

[Guest phxbrising]

The thing is, I don't know what the point of these feelings is when I know for a fact that I'll never go through with SRS. When I'm not feeling the gender dysphoria (which is about half of the time), I'm completely indifferent to my body image. I just go around as a girl in my tees and jeans and suits and all's fine with the world. So why go through the physical pain and the emotional hardship of transition for something that only distresses me half of the time? If that's the case, even if I am transgendered, what am I supposed to do about it?

First off *hugs* It's super brave to come here and dump all that. In addition to those who wish to transition there are also plenty of people who choose not to transition, or don't find they have the need. (for the record..not trying to say you are either, or any...just sharing info ) I don' know if your aware of all the different "labels" (for lack of a better...ermm..label! HA) within the trans spectrum but hopefully we've got one that feels comfortable for you. Not because we NEED labels but...they seem to make most people feel safe, and at least gives a direction to do some research into! Ryles posted a great description of terms in the androgyn section, feel free to check it out if you feel that might be something your interested in. Everyone's great here at Laura's.

Oh...ermm...what pronouns would you like used? Feminine (she, her, ect) Masculine (he, his) nuetral (ze, s/he, they)? If you don't know that either...that's cool!! I generally strive to use people's names as much as I can as the idenitfier...just easier that way.

Me? Oh yea....we'll I'm a fun mix of a spouse (I think I already told you this in your intro thread...never hurts to repeat myself!) to a M2F and I identify as bi-gendered. Again, welcome!

[Guest AlexiThink]

Oh...ermm...what pronouns would you like used? Feminine (she, her, ect) Masculine (he, his) nuetral (ze, s/he, they)? If you don't know that either...that's cool!! I generally strive to use people's names as much as I can as the idenitfier...just easier that way.

Me? Oh yea....we'll I'm a fun mix of a spouse (I think I already told you this in your intro thread...never hurts to repeat myself!) to a M2F and I identify as bi-gendered. Again, welcome!

Masculine pronouns would be better.

And actually, reading your thread "Let's See if I Can Brave Up and Tell the Truth" was one of the things that convinced me to stop lurking around Laura's and sign up. Its good to know I'm not alone in what I'm going through. Thanks for sharing your situation with us

[Guest kyattei]

"The thing is, I don't know what the point of these feelings is when I know for a fact that I'll never go through with SRS."

If you decide to go FTM, a lot of FTMs are unsatisfied with the actual surgery (bottom surgery anyhow) so they don't have it. Some don't even have top surgery, they just do the HRT or just a lifestyle transition.

"So why go through the physical pain and the emotional hardship of transition for something that only distresses me half of the time?"

Well, that's certainly worth considering. But remember the other side too, why go through all the emotional hardship of living a life where you're happy and non-frustrated only half the time too? Everyone's deserves a life where they can be themselves, ALL of themselves, and be happy... And your wife and family deserves for you to be at your best and happiest too, don't they? Gender dysphoria can be surpressed and coped with, but it never ever truly goes away..

I'm not able to tell you if you're TG, TS, or a tomboy, that'd be best to talk it over with a therapist if you're not sure... But (and this is just my opinion from what I read in that post, please don't take it too personally or anything if you disagree @~@) it sounds to me like, regardless of gender identity, is that you crave acceptance... That could be why you acted so strongly in your parents favour after being introduced into GLBTQ things, and why dressing simply isn't enough since others still see you as a woman, and why you get upset when your wife if she does something to make you feel less manly. It could also explain the anger at everyone... If that is the case, wanting to be accepted and gender dysphoria, though mixed together, are seperate things. Dealing with gender dysphoria takes accepting yourself and accepting that many others prolly will not accept you, it's something that you can't let the rest of the world or conventional ideas of sex and body hold you back if you choose to pursue it.

I really hope you feel better soon and find your answers, Alex. *hugs* Gender is very important, but it's not the most important thing in life. If it's really upsetting and frustrating you, take a step back for a little while, enjoy your hobbies and the company of your wife who'll love you no matter what, and come back to it when you're feeling less stressed and can think about it objectively.

[Guest CutieNaomi]

Just a statement from me...

My husband and I have a hard time talking to anyone but each other about what we're going through. I don't think either of us are quite ready to talk to a counselor or anything. I know I find it awkward, so I can't exactly speak for Alex, but I'm sure he feels the same...

I want you to know I love you so much, and I want both of us to be happy... I want my Husband, and my Wife... not just one if you're both... and I'll give you all of me, too.

I love you Alex.

~Naomi ♫