Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I'm A Bit Confused..


Guest aotearoa

Recommended Posts

Guest aotearoa

Hi. I am stoked to have found a site that is informative, supportive and genuinely caring. The whole gender identity stuff is so confusing and it gives me courage to explore it knowing that there are people who will not judge me and offer their thoughts and support in what has seemed such a huge obstacle. Thank you.

I am a 37 year old biological female, who has a male wired brain. I have known my brain works in a male manner for many years and I accept that quite comfortably. My appearance is more male than female and even when I try to look more feminine it just doesn't come off well. I feel so uncomfortable when I try to look feminine and if friends or family try to push me to dress that way I experience high anxiety and panic. I feel comfortable wearing more male or neutral clothing. I wear my hair short. I walk and talk like one of the boys. I have a few very strong female friends who accept me as I present and I appreciate them. I have very little tolerance for girly girls or catty woman. I just don't get them at all and find I have nothing in common with them. I get on better with men and understand how they work better.

I was sexually abused by a female cousin when I was 6 and I subconsciously suppressed it until I was 19. I was also abused by a number of men when I was a teenager. I wonder whether my early sexual abuse caused this bit I don't know. After the initial abuse I became or maybe just accentuated my tom boyish dressing and manner. I had grand mal seizures for a year after that and when my mother, who didn't know about the abuse, took me to a specialist they were reading my file. They said my name, my biological gender and then said "Should we check?" I was 7 years old. I have been teased mercilessly by other girls and teenagers through school and it really knocked my confidence. I felt so bad all the time. I started using drugs at 13 and had a needle habit by 14. From 13 I have had active suicidal ideation on a daily basis and have made many attempts. Maybe not to die, just to stop the pain. I self harmed for many years but no longer do that as I realise that behaviour is just an indicator of my stress levels at any given time. I have also learnt that just because I think about killing myself, I don't have to act on it. Again, the intensity of those thoughts and feelings are indicators of my emotional wellbeing at that particular time. I no longer use drugs and alcohol as I did in the past.

I have had relationships, some causal some longer term, with men and a woman. I have always experienced the same anxiety around physical contact with men. I felt like the male in the relationship with the woman I was with. I have recently left a relationship with a man who loves me very much because I couldn't handle any physical contact or when he looked at me in a sexual manner. It hurt me to leave. I felt I had no choice because I was screaming inside all the time.

I have a beautiful 17 month old daughther. Her father was a casual sex partner. He is part of her life on a sporadic basis by his choice. When I found out I was having a girl I paniced because I couldn't see how I could teach her anything about being a girl. I still feel that way but have enlisted my strong woman friends to help me fill that role. I don't want her to experience the teasing, confusion and feeling different like I did growing up.

I just wish I knew what to do. Please help. Thank you for listening.

Link to comment

Kia Ora.... welcome to LP.This is the place you've been looking for.... I can't give you much advice though as I am going the other way...

Cheers from the other side of the ditch...

Regards, Tassie Tiff.

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Its early here and I have to go to work so I cannot post a long message - and you so need someone to talk to. I am sort of rare as I am gender dysphoric, yet have a lot of gender dysphoric friends, including my first cousin who is pretty much like you. She does not like labels - so it is not a clear case that she is actually a FTM transperson - but I suspect she is. She has a man's mindset and always has had it.

Me? Strangely I am the other way. We always kidded about exchanging bodies - but science hasn't figured that one out yet.

So you are in the right place here at Laura's. We are very supportive of each other, and completely non-judgememntal. We also are here for you should you get depressed and/or self-distructive. Talk to us! We are always around. AND we understand you exactly - and instantly!

And don't worry about labels - just worry about happiness and sanity.

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
Kia Ora.... welcome to LP.This is the place you've been looking for.... I can't give you much advice though as I am going the other way...

Cheers from the other side of the ditch...

Regards, Tassie Tiff.

Kia Ora! Nice to know someone knows where NZ is! I am impressed with the scope of this site. I believe there is help here!

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
Its early here and I have to go to work so I cannot post a long message - and you so need someone to talk to. I am sort of rare as I am gender dysphoric, yet have a lot of gender dysphoric friends, including my first cousin who is pretty much like you. She does not like labels - so it is not a clear case that she is actually a FTM transperson - but I suspect she is. She has a man's mindset and always has had it.

Me? Strangely I am the other way. We always kidded about exchanging bodies - but science hasn't figured that one out yet.

So you are in the right place here at Laura's. We are very supportive of each other, and completely non-judgememntal. We also are here for you should you get depressed and/or self-distructive. Talk to us! We are always around. AND we understand you exactly - and instantly!

And don't worry about labels - just worry about happiness and sanity.

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

Kia Ora Lizzy! Thank you for your welcome. I appreciate the opportunity to offload all that stuff. I am in process of working it all out. It seems to me that I would be happy living on an island away from society as the anxiety comes from other people's reaction to me rather than from within. I am reasonably content just being me and being a 'mum/parent/human guidance and love receptacle' for my daugther. Have a great day at work.

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Kia Ora! Nice to know someone knows where NZ is! I am impressed with the scope of this site. I believe there is help here!

Arohanui, Ao

Well NZ is bigger and more populated then where I live.... I am in Tasmania..... AND consider myself Half Kiwi... Dad was from Dunedin..... SO I can relate to the folks from the Land of the wrong White Crowd LOL

Regards, Tiff XOXOX

Or should we be rubbing noses....?

Link to comment

I tried the Island Idea already mate...... And the less people there is... the more they know about you.... Strike that one off your list of 'To Do Items'

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa

Rogie Tassie Tiff! I'll get the hang of this computer stuff soon. Just noticed your little profile thing on the side of the page. Your dad was from dunners huh? Pretty cold down there! Im in Whangarei. The winterless north. They are having a drag night at one of the club's here on Sat nite.

Link to comment
Guest madelane

Hi Lizzy

Welcome indeed to a truly lovely and supportive site with many many shared experiences on offer to help us through those tough times.

So welcome from the Southern tip of Africa

Hugs

Madelane

xx

Link to comment
Guest Joanna Phipps

Welcome from the middle of New Mexico USofA, this is one fantastic group of people with so many countries represented and so many points of view it isnt hard for us to help nearly everyone. Feel free to post to your hearts content, there are no limits to how big your posts can be (or how short or silly).

Now its time to wander over to the table, nick a couple of cookies and get some coffee... sorry cocoa would put me to sleep since im on the back end of a night shift and havent slept for nearly 40 hours.

hugs and welcome

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

New Orleans here - Banana Republic of the United States!

But we love and work and play HARD! And eat strange foods...

Again - welcome - HUGE scope of people here at Laura's - huge diversity! you will like it here!

Lizzy

Link to comment
Rogie Tassie Tiff! I'll get the hang of this computer stuff soon. Just noticed your little profile thing on the side of the page. Your dad was from dunners huh? Pretty cold down there! Im in Whangarei. The winterless north. They are having a drag night at one of the club's here on Sat nite.

They have the "Queen's Ball" here in Hobart... Organised by the GLC (Gay and Lesbian Council)...... I went to one of them here and was disappointed.... I put in an effort to 'Dress' for the occassion..... ( I looked Hot)... Most of the rest arrived in Ripped Jeans and T-Shirts and running shoes.... I was Over Dressed..... LOL..... I went with an OLD Mate of mine who is Post Op and an Ex Les Girls Show Girl..... She is 62 now.... But Still Hot..... Men, Women and some folks I couldn't hang a label on were hovering around her like moths to a flame. She got really embarrassing and Flashed her Magnificent 'Sisters' in front of a crowd of men... LOL (and me cause I was with her) all night..... Lots of free drinks.... AND we were Both invited back to a swanky Private Club afterwards.... For more drinks and dancing...

I know a Few J.A.F.A T Girls... Apparently the GRS Surgeon in NZ is top rate... And booked solid

I am happy to chat on the Al Capone any time... IM me for the number...

regards, Tiff. XOXOX

Link to comment
Guest AlexiThink

Wow, this is a very demographically diverse group!

Welcome from Canada!!!

I myself am a biological female with a baby girl.

Yes, I agree. All of this gender identity stuff is very confusing. I'm still figuring it out too.

What name/pronouns do you prefer? If you don't know, that's cool too.

PM me any time.

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
Hi Lizzy

Welcome indeed to a truly lovely and supportive site with many many shared experiences on offer to help us through those tough times.

So welcome from the Southern tip of Africa

Hugs

Madelane

xx

Kia Ora Madelane, Thank you for the welcome. I wonder why there is so much discrimination when gender difference is widespread all over the world. Is it because difference threatens other's perception of who they are?

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
Welcome from the middle of New Mexico USofA, this is one fantastic group of people with so many countries represented and so many points of view it isnt hard for us to help nearly everyone. Feel free to post to your hearts content, there are no limits to how big your posts can be (or how short or silly).

Now its time to wander over to the table, nick a couple of cookies and get some coffee... sorry cocoa would put me to sleep since im on the back end of a night shift and havent slept for nearly 40 hours.

hugs and welcome

Kia Ora Joanna! Cookies sound good, might skip the coffee in favour of an ice cold coke! Sleep isn't a bad thing although not get had with my baby girl! She is of the opinion that sleep is unnecessary! I beg to differ! Thank you for the welcome.

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
New Orleans here - Banana Republic of the United States!

But we love and work and play HARD! And eat strange foods...

Again - welcome - HUGE scope of people here at Laura's - huge diversity! you will like it here!

Lizzy

Kia Ora Lizzy! I did not know that New Orleans was the Banana Republic of the United States! It could be said that Northland is the Cannabis Republic of Aotearoa! Something to do with the weather. Not that I partake anymore but it certainly is a cash crop here! I moved up from Auckland, the biggest city in NZ, to live with my Brother and his wife. I don't know how they will feel about the gender stuff. I hope they will accept that this is who I am. I think they will. No need to talk to them about it until I have it more clear in my own head. Otherwise we will all be confused!

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
Wow, this is a very demographically diverse group!

Welcome from Canada!!!

I myself am a biological female with a baby girl.

Yes, I agree. All of this gender identity stuff is very confusing. I'm still figuring it out too.

What name/pronouns do you prefer? If you don't know, that's cool too.

PM me any time.

Kia Ora AlexiThink!

What part of Canada do you hail from? Name, Ao is fine. Not fussed with pronouns at this point. What does PM mean? How old is your baby? Was she a catalyst for you to seriously look at this stuff? Anika was my catalyst, along with a relationship with a man who I love but can not handle the physical contact etc stuff from. It has been rumbling along for many years and I have been able to crush it until it comes up again but know I think I need to get a clearer picture. Even if that picture changes and develops over time, I still need a starting point.

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
They have the "Queen's Ball" here in Hobart... Organised by the GLC (Gay and Lesbian Council)...... I went to one of them here and was disappointed.... I put in an effort to 'Dress' for the occassion..... ( I looked Hot)... Most of the rest arrived in Ripped Jeans and T-Shirts and running shoes.... I was Over Dressed..... LOL..... I went with an OLD Mate of mine who is Post Op and an Ex Les Girls Show Girl..... She is 62 now.... But Still Hot..... Men, Women and some folks I couldn't hang a label on were hovering around her like moths to a flame. She got really embarrassing and Flashed her Magnificent 'Sisters' in front of a crowd of men... LOL (and me cause I was with her) all night..... Lots of free drinks.... AND we were Both invited back to a swanky Private Club afterwards.... For more drinks and dancing...

I know a Few J.A.F.A T Girls... Apparently the GRS Surgeon in NZ is top rate... And booked solid

I am happy to chat on the Al Capone any time... IM me for the number...

regards, Tiff. XOXOX

Kia Ora Tiff!

I didn't go to the drag nite. No baby sitter and I'm not that brave yet! I bet you did look hot too and what a hoot with your mate doing the flash! Bonus with the consequences! Instead, my baby girl and I did the playcentre beach fundraising walk! No flashing there but a good day anyway!!! Lmao!! Not sure if I'll go so far as surgery. I guess those are questions to pose myself later on through the journey. Good to know they are good though. I wonder if I could be genderless? Or would that just complicate life more and make filling out forms impossible!

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest AlexiThink
Kia Ora AlexiThink!

What part of Canada do you hail from? Name, Ao is fine. Not fussed with pronouns at this point. What does PM mean? How old is your baby? Was she a catalyst for you to seriously look at this stuff? Anika was my catalyst, along with a relationship with a man who I love but can not handle the physical contact etc stuff from. It has been rumbling along for many years and I have been able to crush it until it comes up again but know I think I need to get a clearer picture. Even if that picture changes and develops over time, I still need a starting point.

Arohanui, Ao

Hi Ao,

I live in Ontario with my mtF spouse, and my 2-month-old baby girl. My spouse was more of a catalyst for me. Although I had known that I wanted to be male for as long as I can remember, she taught me that it was okay to feel that way and that started me thinking more seriously about my gender. I'm trying to get a handle on what it all means, trying to find my starting point too.

PM means private message. Its like email, but specifically for Laura's Playground. You can PM once you've posted on the forums at least 5 times. Which I think you're at.

Link to comment
Guest Wanderer

Hi Ao, it's nice to meet you! I'm here from the U.S., in Texas, specifically.

I'm a little less certain on any of this. Dunno if I'm androgynous, or mtf, or w/e. I DO know that I'm never happy being the 'guy' in a relationship, as society seems to see it ought be. It seems I can't get away from that though. Even when I'm with another guy (which I don't usually tend to like) I'm, for some reason, expected to be the stronger, more protective one, or something. I dunno if I give off that appearance or what, but I think I'm really effeminate in how I flirt, and try to put off the whole uke image as much. It's just annoying is all. I think when I actually try to flirt, the person either doesn't notice or loses all interest though. ;-;

Oh sorry, 'uke' is a Japanese term. The 'uke' and the 'seme', typically in a gay relationship, are the 'submissive', 'bottom' or 'girl', and the 'dominant', 'top', or 'guy', respectively, in a relationship. I'm kind of an otaku, among other things. ^^;;

And I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter honestly. I know that if/when I have kids, I'm going to make certain not to push them one way or the other in terms of gender biases. In my experience, in the long term, it's a lot more stressful to have your family expect you to be something you're not than it is to be teased for being who you are. *mulls over all the issues of raising kids*.... Oh dear. I'd be a horrible parent. >.< You probably don't need to pay much heed to my advice, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. ^^

Anyways, it's nice to meet you. =3

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
Hi Ao, it's nice to meet you! I'm here from the U.S., in Texas, specifically.

I'm a little less certain on any of this. Dunno if I'm androgynous, or mtf, or w/e. I DO know that I'm never happy being the 'guy' in a relationship, as society seems to see it ought be. It seems I can't get away from that though. Even when I'm with another guy (which I don't usually tend to like) I'm, for some reason, expected to be the stronger, more protective one, or something. I dunno if I give off that appearance or what, but I think I'm really effeminate in how I flirt, and try to put off the whole uke image as much. It's just annoying is all. I think when I actually try to flirt, the person either doesn't notice or loses all interest though. ;-;

Oh sorry, 'uke' is a Japanese term. The 'uke' and the 'seme', typically in a gay relationship, are the 'submissive', 'bottom' or 'girl', and the 'dominant', 'top', or 'guy', respectively, in a relationship. I'm kind of an otaku, among other things. ^^;;

And I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter honestly. I know that if/when I have kids, I'm going to make certain not to push them one way or the other in terms of gender biases. In my experience, in the long term, it's a lot more stressful to have your family expect you to be something you're not than it is to be teased for being who you are. *mulls over all the issues of raising kids*.... Oh dear. I'd be a horrible parent. >.< You probably don't need to pay much heed to my advice, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. ^^

Anyways, it's nice to meet you. =3

Hi Wanderer! Nice to meet you! Being expected to be the female in my last relationship is what brought it to an end for me. It caused some much anxiety and anger for me that I couldn't keep going with it. My daughter was picking up on my unexpressed feelings and was becoming unsettled. I don't blame my ex (a male) coz he was just doing what came naturally to him. Unfortunately for him, it doesn't come naturally for me. I feel bad about hurting him and will one day soon try to explain to him how I feel about my gender stuff. I don't know how he will take it, but he deserves the truth. Being a part of this site is helping me become clearer about how I feel and what that means for me. I am still unclear of my course of action ie will I take testosterone, will I get surgery, will I pursue this legally? However, I do feel some peace having worked a few things out and finally admitting and accepting that this is what it is for me. That to continue to try to 'be' female is unhealthy for my state of mind. I am very grateful for this knowledge as some bits of the puzzle actually fit now.

Thanks for the translation too! This is a new world for me and, as in any arena of life, there is jargon. Understanding that jargon continues to demistfy this new world and make it more accessable.

Whatever my daughter decides to be is all good with me. I just want her to be happy and comfortable with herself. I kinda hope she has no gender/sexuality/identity/anything different stuff coz that will make life easier for her. However, it is from difference that character is built. Character is a good thing! I know I am very proud of her everyday and I love her intensely. She is my redemption for that not so cool stuff I did when I was younger.

I hope I can, one day, explain all this to my family. That is in the future and life is lived in the now!

I hope this finds you well and becoming clearer about life!

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest aotearoa
Hi Ao,

I live in Ontario with my mtF spouse, and my 2-month-old baby girl. My spouse was more of a catalyst for me. Although I had known that I wanted to be male for as long as I can remember, she taught me that it was okay to feel that way and that started me thinking more seriously about my gender. I'm trying to get a handle on what it all means, trying to find my starting point too.

PM means private message. Its like email, but specifically for Laura's Playground. You can PM once you've posted on the forums at least 5 times. Which I think you're at.

Kia Ora AlexiThink!

I reckon its pretty cool that you have a partner who gets it and is supportive of your journey! I have some good friends who have encouraged me to be me and I without them the world would be a lonely place. I'm sending you some good vibes to find your starting point... :)

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest Wanderer

Oh, lol, don't worry about knowing what 'uke' means. I only know it because I hang out with anime fangirls too much. xD

And yeah, my dad is bi, and he kind of has some problems with my choices because he identifies with the suffering entailed and considers this suffering more than he wishes me to bear, and while I recognize this and respect him for it, it is very stifling. S'yeah, try not to push the way you feel about what you're going through too much onto her if she does start to tell you that that is how she feels about stuff. That's all. ^^; There comes a point where we have to accept people we love for whom they are, and not keep trying to push the path of least resistance onto them because we think that will make them happier.

I'm sure you won't make that mistake though, I'm just sort of ventilating a bit about my dad's silliness.

He went on and on about how when people are truly at peace with themselves, they don't feel aspect like a 'gender' that can be dissonant with their bodies, or whatever else like that, and when I talked about the relationship I had with my ex, where I was basically more the classical 'girl' and her more the 'guy', he insisted that I could easily find this again, if it was what I wanted, and didn't have to change my body and yatta yatta yatta.... "It's dangerous"..... I KNOW that. >___< I weigh my decisions much more carefully than he ever did growing up.... He's admitted to me that I'm probably smarter than he was at the same age.... It's cuz I had good parents too.... He should know better than to doubt me after raising me. =/

Sorry. Eheheh.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest aotearoa
Oh, lol, don't worry about knowing what 'uke' means. I only know it because I hang out with anime fangirls too much. xD

And yeah, my dad is bi, and he kind of has some problems with my choices because he identifies with the suffering entailed and considers this suffering more than he wishes me to bear, and while I recognize this and respect him for it, it is very stifling. S'yeah, try not to push the way you feel about what you're going through too much onto her if she does start to tell you that that is how she feels about stuff. That's all. ^^; There comes a point where we have to accept people we love for whom they are, and not keep trying to push the path of least resistance onto them because we think that will make them happier.

I'm sure you won't make that mistake though, I'm just sort of ventilating a bit about my dad's silliness.

He went on and on about how when people are truly at peace with themselves, they don't feel aspect like a 'gender' that can be dissonant with their bodies, or whatever else like that, and when I talked about the relationship I had with my ex, where I was basically more the classical 'girl' and her more the 'guy', he insisted that I could easily find this again, if it was what I wanted, and didn't have to change my body and yatta yatta yatta.... "It's dangerous"..... I KNOW that. >___< I weigh my decisions much more carefully than he ever did growing up.... He's admitted to me that I'm probably smarter than he was at the same age.... It's cuz I had good parents too.... He should know better than to doubt me after raising me. =/

Sorry. Eheheh.

Hey Wanderer! All good! I just know I want to be the best parent I can and be supportive and all that good stuff! I reckon one way to do that is to be honest about who I am and teach my little girl to love people for who they are not what they look like. Kids have an amazing capacity to do just that. My ex-partner is here at the moment for my sister in laws 39a birthday party on Saturday (she's actually going to be 40 but doesn't like the sound of that so 39a it is! Now who's in denial!!!). It's pretty tense between us. Lots of unresolved feelings on his part and my anxiety at having him here. Baby girl was so excited to see him and at least that's great thing. I think I will talk to him about my new learnings about myself, if only to be honest with him. He deserves that. I feel a bit scared though. It'll all be ok.

Arohanui, Ao

Link to comment
Guest Wanderer

You sound like you will be an awesome parent. Kids are awesome like that. I used to think I would never want any, but I'm starting to reconsider. This won't affect me anytime soon, but it's still something to think about. Heh, I said earlier I'd be a horrible parent I realize... but I can learn.

That sounds like a good age. I can hardly wait to be 39a. lol

It sounds like you'll be fine. It's never comfortable being stuck close with an ex; I imagine it must be much more so after having a kid with them, but your little girl gets to see him. =3

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   0 Members, 0 Anonymous, 121 Guests (See full list)

    • There are no registered users currently online
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      769k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,047
    • Most Online
      8,356

    MAN8791
    Newest Member
    MAN8791
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Adamtoeve
      Adamtoeve
      (38 years old)
    2. Andy C.
      Andy C.
      (22 years old)
    3. Asher the Enby Goddex
      Asher the Enby Goddex
      (23 years old)
    4. camerashy
      camerashy
      (52 years old)
    5. Stacy S.
      Stacy S.
      (55 years old)
  • Posts

    • Lydia_R
      Yes, my programmer friends and I think that antivirus software is a virus.  It's constantly searching your system and slowing it down.  If you install your own OS and software on your machine, and you make backups of your personal files, then you can recover from viruses in an hour or two.  My computer is 10+ years old and is working as good as the first day I had it.   As long as my computer is doing what I want it to do, I don't care if someone is spying on my system.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      If you get a ticket, always say not guilty and go to court. Much of the time, the officer will not show up, and often the district attorney or the judge will not want to take the time. They ticket harvest because most people just agree to the fine and send them a check by mail.   If you are not a commercial driver, Most states also have a ticket forgiveness program. You take a little easy Driver's Ed Course, and it doesn't go on your record or increase your insurance prices. Explore your options!
    • KayC
      Shaving my legs (very early on) was the first BIG STEP in my self-affirmation.  It also felt Real and Natural ... Finally (after all my years with fairly hairy legs). My wife was shocked but I think she thought it was 'OK' as long as didn't go any farther ... well that wasn't going to happen.  It was actually Step 1 of many to follow.  I did feel the need to hide it from others but eventually didn't care.  And, men shaving their legs is much more common these days. Home IPL (laser) made the hair removal permanent over the course of a year or so.  Whatever was leftover has been reduced to peach-fuzz by HRT. I don't deny or reject all my years living in the realm of cis-males ... it was part of my Journey to get to where I am today.  But since committing to HRT and living in an environment and community that supports my transition, I find it difficult to go back into Boy-mode.  The times that I do have to do that ... I can feel the dysphoria rising up again.  No going back ... at this point. 
    • KayC
      Congratulations @EasyE on your continued progress! I think it was about 6 - 8 weeks for me that I truly started to notice (and feel!) the changes.  They were not enormous (no pun intended) but I could notice my breasts were starting to plump up and my hips also.    fyi - I talked to my Provider a couple of days ago and based on recent labs agreed that I could start progesterone.  I did a LOT of research and after expressing any concerns with my Provider we both felt confident in starting.  I have been almost a full year of estradiol and I think my breast and other body changes have started to settle down.  Hoping the 'P' will give them another jump start. Thank you for sharing your progress.  I think you're going to be Happy with with the next couple of months brings  
    • Ladypcnj
      I have this one particular antivirus with the VPN, I thought I paid for everything to be activated, but it turns out to be I have basic protection and they want more money from me to turn it on. I wished the store salesperson told me this soon, I would have brought something else that has everything in it, not half protection missing lol
    • KayC
      Hi @Mealaini - nice to meet you and Welcome! You have an important story and experience to share so I am happy you are open and willing to do that.  Also, I want you to know that this Forum was a very important part of my own Self-Acceptance and helped me navigate both my Progress and the Coming Out process to my wife, kids, and other family/friends.   It's not an easy Journey - sometimes it can seem slow and painful - but for most of us here, it's one that is essential to our Well Being.  I hope you have a similar experience as myself as you connect with others on this Forum and gain the benefit our each individual Experience and our Shared Humanity. Deep breaths ... One step at a time
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It seems to me that antivirus software often acts like a virus.  McAfee is really tough to get rid of.  I got a laptop a few years ago that had it pre-installed.  Didn't want it, and the process to cut out every last piece of it took a long time.    As for VPNs, check out Ultrasurf: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ultrasurf   It may not be the best, but it is free and seems to bypass many government restrictions.  Its one of the few tools in GF's toolbox that I actually understand how to use.  As in...click the button!
    • Ladypcnj
      Hi Thea, I can relate to that, to this day I find video games that has female role characters in them, the ones that takes leadership. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Divorce sux.  My husband has an ex-wife somewhere...far, far away.  I guess she turned into somebody completely different right after the marriage, and she divorced him after a couple of years.    My partner (his "Wife #1) married him pretty soon after that divorce, and I guess he kind of missed her back then, but that fades with time.  I wonder... is it harder to stay in contact after divorce, or harder to cut off all contact completely?    I was very clear with my GF when we got together years ago.... to choose me is to keep me forever, as a breakup (and heartbreak) would probably be fatal.  I told my husband and other partners the same thing.  Once I've made my nest, don't push me out of it.  I will curl up in a corner and make myself very heavy and hard to grab   Even GF has never said she wanted to get rid of me, although she gets frustrated with me sometimes.  I'm pretty sure I'm safe here. 
    • Siobhan F
      Odd that this topic showed up today. With the warmer weather approaching, I decided to do something about my legs. When I was in my twenties, my legs were quite hairy, but have become less hirsute as I age. I decided to mow the hair with my manscaping device to make eventual shaving less messy. This made me realize that due to a lack of limberness and practice, shaving might be a major undertaking, so today I applied depilatory from mid-thighs to my ankles (no hair on feet, fortunately). The odor wasn't as unpleasant as I expected (didn't use a common store brand*), and the results were gratifying. I'll try it on my chest next.   *I'm not sure whether mentioning product names is allowed – think of a musical by Lerner and Loewe.
    • MaryEllen
      The correction has been made.
    • Mealaini
      Hi all, Thanks for the warm welcome.     Yeah... The UK flag is a mistake.  I didn't notice it until I came on here today. I'm from Illinois, in the U.S.  I can't seem to find the way to change it in my profile.  Moderators?  Any ideas?     I met with my therapist today.  She thinks that this will be a good place to get started, and I am hoping I can find some support and offer support.     I'll be checking in from time to time :)      
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Went to my local American Legion I am a member of after supper,had 3 beers and my 19 year old niece Allison as a designated driver.Staying for the night,her apartment got fumigated today and told her she can stay at my place.I know better not to drink and drive.She had a couple Cokes I bought for her.Good thing is the other members are good to me and know I am transgender.
    • Ladypcnj
      Approximately 12 hours ago I created a post in the "intersex" forum, however on YouTube 17 people can relate to my story.
    • EasyE
      It has been about six weeks since I started the HRT journey. Today I officially "upgraded" to a new level of patch. I can't believe how giddy I was when A) the doc responded so quickly to my request for a new prescription, as I thought as I was going to have to wait a few weeks for my current one to run out; B) the pharmacy filled my new prescription so quickly -- in like an hour from when the doc emailed; and C) when I got home and put the new patch in place as quickly as possible...   Six weeks in and I would say it is subtle changes at best. But there are changes. They are just hard to describe... Sometimes I get these little rushes of emotion or mini-euphorias. Is that the hormones? I am emotional anyways, anger included ... I've noticed very subtle changes in my chest, like are my areola getting bigger? Or is it just my imagination? Are things getting smaller downstairs? Again, or just my imagination? I feel ... different ... yes a little more feminine...   I think it has surprised me how much I actually want a female chest. I keep checking it out all the time. That is brand new! But it's like I look down, notice what appear to be some changes and I say to myself, "This is going on with my body, and I like this! A lot!" Nothing ceases to amaze me anymore. I am such a mess, lol...    I feel like this patch upgrade is going to bring about more noticeable changes. Like I am really in the game now. Like the first part was just a warm up. Maybe not. But that's what it feels like.   So far, no problems with the patch itself (aside for forgetting a couple of times to take the old patch off when I put the new on one. I went a whole day once with a double-patch). Internally I think I am so ready for the next step... Externally, I feel like I am continuing to poke a hornet's nest, a den of scorpions and a mama bear all at the same time.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...