Hi, Jade Here!

[Guest Jessica?]

On the Live Chat, some of you may know me as Lil Confused (which does not stem from the name Lil actually). If you see me on live Chat now, I would appreciate it if you would call me Jade =D. By the way I am 18 years old right now.

Ok, so let me start out by saying that I found Laura's about two years ago, this was about my first attempt to accept myself and I only posted once, read the answers to my post for about a week, and then I couldn't accept myself so I kept looking for some other explanation, just something else that would fit, some way for me to not be the way I am. As I'm sure most have you have probably had some sort of experience similar, you will know that in the end, this doesn't work and that the only explanation for being who you are is because it is who you are. The past two years since my last post have been hard, but I am FINALLY able to accept myself for being who I am. At that time I had chosen the name of JESSICA, however I feel that that was a different time in my life and not the name that is right for me. Instead I am going with the name JADE, as I have always loved that name and my fav color is green! I feel that Jade is a much better representation of who I am, than for the reasons that I had selected Jessica.

So, let's start with my story shall we? Please bare with me as I describe various events that have happened in my life. I have always felt that I should have been a girl, for as long as I can remember or at some age of 6 or earlier. As a lot of us have, I spent most my nights praying, hoping, wishing, willing myself to wake up a girl, at times wishing my penis away, not that I really knew what would replace it but I felt that it didn't belong. I had spent my child hood wanting to do the things that girls did, and while I DID enjoy boy activities, I always longed to play with barbies, and do a lot of the things that little girls did. I soon found out that this was not too acceptable for boys to do so instead, I tried to prove to myself I guess that I was a boy and constantly rejected and denied any type of girlish pleasure. I remember spending the nights at my cousins house and having to sleep in her room and protesting till (but not TOO much) eventually I just agreed to sleep in her room which was completely pink. I enjoyed this a bunch, even though I actively advocated against it. I do not remember this but my other cousin remembers me coming over and constantly playing with her barbie dolls. As I got a little older, around the age of 9 or so, I was always trying to come up with some sort of game where the person who lost would have to get make up put on them with my twin brother, and next door neighbor and best friend, along with his sister, his sister being old enough to have and wear make up so she had access. This in itself never happened as no one else besides me and my friends sister seemed to like the idea, and I just used the excuse of "Well, I'm not afraid, because I won't lose!".

At this age, I told my mom that I wanted to be a girl. She was ecstatic as she had always wanted a girl and got me all dressed up and I ate dinner with the family as a girl. I enjoyed it but remember so clearly the questioning looks from my father and brothers that instantly told me that this is NOT normal. I guess I thought I had a choice to switch genders but after this dinner I was embarrassed and did not anymore say that I wanted to be a girl to my family anymore.

And even later on when I was 13, I would talk to my girl cousins over instant messaging and pretend like I didn't know how to work the profile editor and if they could come onto my account and help me, but "Don't Make it girly", obviously in the hopes of them actually making it girly for me, which they did. And I could bore you all to death with more instances like this and so forth but as I feel that would probably take too long and this is already going to be a winded post, so I will stop at there. If you don't want to read the above, let me summarize, I always tried to create situations where I would get to engage in girlish activities, and yet seem as though I didn't want to.

This is where it get's a little confusing for me still but as I have been told by some other members, Gender and Sexuality are completely separate. I have always been attracted to girls and this seems to be contradictory to the condition of being transgendered. But after some further research I guess it is possible to be both Transgendered and Lesbian also.

When puberty hit me, my cousin, who must have been 17 at the time told me that he remembers and was at my house when I got my first erection. I apparently was crying and asking my mother what was happening to me. I am not sure if this is because of a GID or if this actually confused many other boys who go through puberty and perhaps they have had similar reactions as some part of your body enlarging to abnormal sizes and becoming hard when it was soft, could cause distress to many people. I unlike many others on the other hand from what remember, have not had too much of a problem with my body since puberty. Not anything out of the norm at least. I don't know, maybe I just got used to it. I do still and always have wanted a feminine face, feminine hair, breasts, and would not mind losing my male genitals, although this is not extremely important however, but it is still present, I may have just gotten used to them, I don't know, but this IS how I feel and can't say that I can not stand them. Facial hair is about the same.

This may have been too long but I feel that it is important to share as much about my story as I can as there are many people who browse these forums and may be can not relate to one persons story but maybe some part of another person, so the more stories we have out there, the more chances someone can relate right?

I am in my last year of highschool, accepted myself for who I am, whoever that may be, whether I am an extremely confused straight guy, a slightly confused cross dresser, some form of a transgenderist, or actually a transsexual lesbian. I will be going to a gender therapist after highschool as I feel that I am able to trudge along for that long and will be able to see a therapist ambiguously while I am living by myself at college as to hide this from my parents as I believe they would accept me, but can not bare to think of what would happen now if they didn't. I am me regardless. I am Jade.

[Guest Robin Winter]

Welcome Jade!

[Guest Janessa]

Rawrr welcome *stays for the cookies*. lol

I can relate to some of your experiences. =x

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest AlexiThink]

Welcome Jade!

Its awesome that you're accepting who you are. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Alex

[TassieTiff]

G'Day Jade,

Pretty name..... Do you Like Green things ? Picking your own Girl name is probably the highlight of early transition...There isn't a real lot of them early on.... It all takes time ( lots of it unfortunately).... Welcome to the Madness.... It will all seem like a Bad dream when you come out of the transition Tunnel at the other end. The name will grow on you.... B4 long your Old Name will make you shudder in Disgust.

Regards, Tiff XOXOX

[Guest CDKat]

Welcome Jade. wow i can relate to alot of things you've experienced. Like trying to put myself in girly situations, haha. Hope to see you soon. ^^

[Sally]

Hey Jade,

It's me Sally, sorry I'm so late getting here with the cookies and hot cocoa.

So now Janessa will be happy!

Welcome to the forums and your new family.

So glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell us so much about yourself - we usually have to pry.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jessica?]

G'Day Jade,

Pretty name..... Do you Like Green things ? Picking your own Girl name is probably the highlight of early transition...There isn't a real lot of them early on.... It all takes time ( lots of it unfortunately).... Welcome to the Madness.... It will all seem like a Bad dream when you come out of the transition Tunnel at the other end. The name will grow on you.... B4 long your Old Name will make you shudder in Disgust.

Regards, Tiff XOXOX

YES haha. I love green! It's always been my favorite color. I can't wait to start "the transition tunnel". Well, maybe not as excited to start as I am to finish haha. I have to trudge through highschool this year and then hopefully next year I will be going to Seattle University. It has an extremely well accepted LGBT student body there so I want to go there badly. It is also in the LGBT part of Seattle so It's pretty much like my dream school, which is reachable as long as I can get some financial aide to go there.

I tried signing my name as Jade and the capitol J is hard for me haha.

[Guest erikka2046]

Hi Jade, welcome to Laura's

Erikka

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's, Jade.

Gennee

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome Jade!

Welcome to the forums sweetheart. It is good to see that you are thinking about your next steps in your journey. It will be good to work with someone to help sort out your feelings and sefl-identity. Being here at Laura's will help you tremendously too

Love

Brenda

[Guest Ariana]

Hi there, uhm, Jade, right? Green is a sweet color, but i still prefer pink . I love your craftiness, it is amazing how you thought of all of that! Ahaha, welcome, Jade!

[Guest Angel21]

Welcome

Angel

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Jade

Welcome to the family.

Don't worry honey your answers will come in time, it's good to see that you are patient as this is nothing that should be rushed into.

When you get to see a therapist, you will find alot of answers for the questions you could not find answers to before.

And the path you will want will be seen.

Until then please do try to enjoy your time.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Jack.]

Welcome Jade! Love the name. Did you know Tom Felton's girlfriend is named Jade?

[Guest Jessica?]

Welcome Jade! Love the name. Did you know Tom Felton's girlfriend is named Jade?

Don't even think I know who Tom Felton is so nope haha. And the google search reveals....Malfoy from harry potter haha. K I know who he is now

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Welcome aboard Jade, you will find lots of love, support and information here. Once you reach 5 posts you can use the Private Message system to contact others and keep the discussion confidential.