Updates And A Little Venting

[Guest andreahilton]

Hai, wow, haven't been on in two months!

Since then, I changed slowly to rapidly on the inside while my physical body changes like pulling off a band-aid very slowly (ek!). Life is becoming a big mess for me too.

Lately, I have been sad every day but it's different everyday, some day, depressed and others just all grey. It's extremely difficult to type this properly and in good grammar while having billions of things on my mind.

I'm not sure if I am actually typing properly, heck, I'm not even sure what to do in life. I tried reaching out for help from others but families/friends kept offending me and professional help (a few doctors and therapists) kept making me angry and extremely offended. Basically, so far in others view, I'm just a typical strange boy that need to grow up and be a man. Even the therapists thought I was a boy that was either lying or forgotten crossdressers does exist (yes, they did say that). It properly was because I dressed like a boy and did things as a boy.

Nowadays, I do not even dress like a boy completely, it makes me angry and sometimes make me wishes to do suicide. Before, just a girl necklace made me forget who I really am but it leaded to having to wear a bit of makeup to girls clothes, to high heels and now bras. Almost nothing can stop me from forgetting who I am and I cannot look in the mirror without giving a bad look on myself (the evil look, disgust look and angered look).

I pretty much cannot reach out to anybody in real life, nobody can talk to me without offending me. My name, pronouns (he, him etc), male clothes and even the boy lifestyle offends me.

I can barely sleep, study or even live now. I once thought I could survive in the wrong body for another two years but now heck, it's only months, weeks or even days until I won't be able to live in the wrong body! Yet, in the life I live in, it would be impossible to correct my body now without getting abused, harassed, bullied, attacked, possibly expelled and higher chance to drop out of school.

So, this is pretty much what I have been up to. It's not everything but it's most of the stuff.

Sighs, signed Andrea Hilton.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Andrea

Hey sweetheart - you are ALWAYS who you are here! When you get down - come talk with us. You are NOT making this gender dysphoria stuff up! It is all tooooooo real! Trust me on that! I have had it for 61 years., it won't change - there is no way to make it go away - what you feel is exactly what you feel.

People who don't understand are confused - teach them. People who try to understand are rare finds - cherish them. People who refuse to understand and mock you? SHUN THEM!

The world will someday know. We are just a vanguard now, examples of what is a very rare condition. It's so difficult.

But what choice do we have?

SOOOOO

MUDDLE MUDDLE MUDDLE - much of this we have to do alone. BUT remember - we are here for you at Laura's.

We are all muddling through. It is the only way - as we must me true to ourselves.

Just a mild rant in the form of a reply.

Hope it helps a bit!

Lizzy

[Guest angie]

Good day my sister,

Being misgendered and not understood early in our real life,

is part and parcel of becoming our real self.The only way to

win respect in your true gender, is by never backing down on

who you know you are,no matter the situation.Hold your head

high,and be proud that you have the inner strength to let the

world see the real you.Time is role will change others perspective.

I have a depressive disorder,so understand where you are coming

from on that and most all your points of considered being a cross

dresser.And if you are at this time in your life,don't let it bother you,

I was a CDer at an early age too.And I guarantee,no one understood.

It has been over two years I have lived as my real self,and still I get

that hehimman stuff too,from people who refuse to accept who I am.

Others opinions don't phase me in the least any more though.I am the

happiest I have ever been,just living my life honestly as who I know I am.

Be true to who you know you are,and the world will come around.

Big Soft Warm Hugs Andrea,

Angie

[Guest yvonne]

Andrea,

Thanks for sharing your feelings. It's important to do that and there are always sympathetic ears here at Laura's.

I wrestled the demons myself for a lot of years, read my profile. I had to learn to love myself first (warts and all). I had to learn that it's not what I look like on the outside that's important, it's how I feel about *me* on the inside. Things work slowly, too slowly for too many of us, but that's how things get done. Getting an education doesn't happen in a week, it takes many years. So does anything worth having. It's just chipping away at it over time.

Start by liking the person in the mirror and I don't mean the physical appearance, I mean the you that's inside. I've found that when I help others, it makes me feel really good. Perhaps there are things you could do to help others. Maybe there's an old lady in the area who needs help getting her groceries home, anything at all will make you feel better.

There are many gradients on the gender spectrum and it's not important where you fit, only that you feel good about where you finally do fit.

This is a great place and lots of people understand how you feel. Talk it out with us if it helps you.

Hugs of support to you,

Yvonne

[Guest viv]

Hai, wow, haven't been on in two months!

Since then, I changed slowly to rapidly on the inside while my physical body changes like pulling off a band-aid very slowly (ek!). Life is becoming a big mess for me too.

Lately, I have been sad every day but it's different everyday, some day, depressed and others just all grey. It's extremely difficult to type this properly and in good grammar while having billions of things on my mind.

I'm not sure if I am actually typing properly, heck, I'm not even sure what to do in life. I tried reaching out for help from others but families/friends kept offending me and professional help (a few doctors and therapists) kept making me angry and extremely offended. Basically, so far in others view, I'm just a typical strange boy that need to grow up and be a man. Even the therapists thought I was a boy that was either lying or forgotten crossdressers does exist (yes, they did say that). It properly was because I dressed like a boy and did things as a boy.

Nowadays, I do not even dress like a boy completely, it makes me angry and sometimes make me wishes to do suicide. Before, just a girl necklace made me forget who I really am but it leaded to having to wear a bit of makeup to girls clothes, to high heels and now bras. Almost nothing can stop me from forgetting who I am and I cannot look in the mirror without giving a bad look on myself (the evil look, disgust look and angered look).

I pretty much cannot reach out to anybody in real life, nobody can talk to me without offending me. My name, pronouns (he, him etc), male clothes and even the boy lifestyle offends me.

I can barely sleep, study or even live now. I once thought I could survive in the wrong body for another two years but now heck, it's only months, weeks or even days until I won't be able to live in the wrong body! Yet, in the life I live in, it would be impossible to correct my body now without getting abused, harassed, bullied, attacked, possibly expelled and higher chance to drop out of school.

So, this is pretty much what I have been up to. It's not everything but it's most of the stuff.

Sighs, signed Andrea Hilton.

Hi there Andrea,

Sorry to read your stuff, your are going through a rough spell right now. Well here is your port in a storm , we all

feel for you and only want to help. I would say to you to look for a therapist who is genned up on our stuff , tv/ts issues.

Phone a local Trans meet and ask for advice or go attend a meeting. When you are at those meetings and sitting next

to like minded people and listening to their stories you will be surprised at how good you will feel and this will help you

see things more clearly. A billion things on your mind ???yep, been there. A counselor once advised me to try this when

my head seems full of clutter , get a foolscap size sheet of paper, write down all the cr-p you feel is on your case, when you

have finished have a good look at it and honestly put it all in order of importance -first being the most hassle and so on,

now , to hell with the stuff at the bottom of the list. Start at the top and just work at that , dont stop till uve got it resolved,

then on to the next, in other words Andrea -dont look at the whole pile in one go , that would microwave** any ones**

head. So, hun, you should find a good "doc", explore some trans meetings , and in your spare time do a personal check

on yourself so as not to let the negatives build up . If nothing else Andrea please remember this ...YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL

PERSON, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO YOUR HAPPINESS , DONT EVER- EVER GIVE IN. Everybody here at Laura"s loves

you and want to see you succeed and you will . I would love to see you post again telling us you are much better ,

please make my dream come true , Luv, Viv.

[Guest andreahilton]

Aw thanks Elizabeth K, angie, yvonne and viv for your supports and advices.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up so awfully and disconnected with my body. I literally had to take the day off from school and since who I really am is still private, it was wagging. However, today was the first time I cried 3 times, felt like vomiting and had a major headache from all the confusion. Plus it was the first time I could not even get changed, I was terrified to see the body I am in and when I could which was hours and hours later, it was so horrible. I literally thought I was having a nightmare that was worse than the scariest movie ever. Luckily I felt a little better when I put on my right clothes (female clothing) but my parents made me feel awful because they told me I was crossdressing because I am in a male body. I almost cried again but didn't luckily. I now know I am the only person in real life right now that can comfort myself and tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I now know that in others view, I'm a crossdresser but to myself, I'm wearing my right clothing even though my body clashes with it. It's just like fashion, only in this case, it's my body. I just really wish I could just wear a simple top and jeans and still look a girl. I'm getting tired of putting too much makeup, jewelery and extreme girly clothes just to be seen as a girl. I really wish I could be accepted as a girl, no matter what I'm wearing or doing.

Sighs. signed, AndreaHilton.

[Guest angie]

I really wish I could be accepted as a girl, no matter what I'm wearing or doing.

Sighs. signed, AndreaHilton.

Keep the faith and your day will come when all you see in the mirror is the girl

you always knew was in there.Keep on wearing your real clothes little sister.

Sticking to your guns and never backing down will convince your parents this

is the real you.

Soft Hugs Girlfriend,

Angie

[Guest CharlieRose]

Aw thanks Elizabeth K, angie, yvonne and viv for your supports and advices.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up so awfully and disconnected with my body. I literally had to take the day off from school and since who I really am is still private, it was wagging. However, today was the first time I cried 3 times, felt like vomiting and had a major headache from all the confusion. Plus it was the first time I could not even get changed, I was terrified to see the body I am in and when I could which was hours and hours later, it was so horrible. I literally thought I was having a nightmare that was worse than the scariest movie ever. Luckily I felt a little better when I put on my right clothes (female clothing) but my parents made me feel awful because they told me I was crossdressing because I am in a male body. I almost cried again but didn't luckily. I now know I am the only person in real life right now that can comfort myself and tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I now know that in others view, I'm a crossdresser but to myself, I'm wearing my right clothing even though my body clashes with it. It's just like fashion, only in this case, it's my body. I just really wish I could just wear a simple top and jeans and still look a girl. I'm getting tired of putting too much makeup, jewelery and extreme girly clothes just to be seen as a girl. I really wish I could be accepted as a girl, no matter what I'm wearing or doing.

Sighs. signed, AndreaHilton.

That makes complete sense to me. I know some transgirls who are a bit tomboy-ish, too. You'd never see them wearing heels or lipstick. Shame on those who said you had to be overtly feminine to "prove" you were female. It's a tactic they've been using against us for years. Alas, for some people we'll never be men or women no matter what their standards, so always keep in mind that your own personal standards are the ones that are really important.

It is possible to be seen as female no matter what you're doing. Even though you might feel incredibly male now, it's amazing what things like just a different hairstyle and voice training can do. If you're interested in estrogen, that will help a lot, too. If you're having trouble with that, then, I'm afraid your only options are not being true to yourself and playing up your femininity to trick them into believing that makes you a woman, or just keep trying and until you find someone who believes you.

You sound like your in a lot of pain. It must really suck. If only people could see that. If you keep trying, though, it'll get better. *big hug*

[Guest foxy]

always be who you are, never try to be someone your not. remember, sticks and stones. people always have opinions and things they like and dislike. the only way they can hurt you is if you let them hurt you. don't ever let others tell you who you are, after all how can others tell you who you are when their not you? so hold you head high! be proud of whom you are, and not what others say you are. after all its impossible to please one person in this life let alone more. some of us have have been dealt a bad hand in life, but its nothing time and little effort can not fix. if you want something bad enough there is nothing you can not achieve. remember we are all here for you, to lend an ear, a shoulder, and even some advice.

[Guest andreahilton]

Thanks angie, charlie rose and foxy for your advices and support.

Hopefully it will get better soon and I will try to keep strong for now.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Thanks angie, charlie rose and foxy for your advices and support.

Hopefully it will get better soon and I will try to keep strong for now.

That's right, Baby....

It WILL get better..I'm so sure of that....

You've received some really golden advice and thoughts on this and it was all heartfelt and given with love...

Remember, we're all here to love and support you in the times when the going gets rough....

We DO care.......

LOVE

Donna Jean