Just... Too Weird

[Guest AlexanderG]

OK. My (female) friend and I share the indignation about being labeled as 'women' as we both are not typically so (she's more feminine than I, as her dress et cetera is particularly feminine). I've been sorta fishing at her POV and stuff to try and get confirmed she'd accept me if I'd have to come out sometime, and she just hintedly admitted that though she doesn't seriously want a sex change and that it wouldn't really change anything (her words), the notion is not strange or new to her. 'but...' and then she cut off the topic.

Which makes me wonder. Is it maybe not so 'abnormal' for me to have these thoughts? Is it that everyone, or many people, at some point thinks about this? What are the chances she'll turn out to be transgendered (too)? I mean... seriously, what ARE the chances?

This is confusing. Especially since I'd just finished writing down what turned out to be an assertion that one of the reasons I'm on here and considering all of this is my resentment of being labelled 'woman' and generalized according to stereotypes I don't identify with - - - - social notions of gender, not the intrinsic/autonomous feeling. So what - maybe I'm just rebellish against society's standards? Maybe I'm just a girl with some deviant view on things?

I'm either very much unsure about all of this, or very much in denial of what I at some moments think I 'know'. Someone turn off my thinking-mode, PLEASE?!

[Sally]

Well, Alexader,

The only way that I know of to shut off your thinking mode for a little while is with the application of a blunt object to your head, so let's not do that.

I will tell you that the doubts and denial are very common but I do not believe that most people have any serious thoughts about actually changing their bodies.

i believe that your self doubts are very much like the ones that I had and they are your mind trying to find a way to convince you that nothing is wrong just be who everyone else says you are.

It won't work so try to decide based on what you feel not what you think, your heart and soul communicate with you and you need to listen.

That didn't help at all did it?

Maybe I should drop by with a blunt object?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest viv]

OK. My (female) friend and I share the indignation about being labeled as 'women' as we both are not typically so (she's more feminine than I, as her dress et cetera is particularly feminine). I've been sorta fishing at her POV and stuff to try and get confirmed she'd accept me if I'd have to come out sometime, and she just hintedly admitted that though she doesn't seriously want a sex change and that it wouldn't really change anything (her words), the notion is not strange or new to her. 'but...' and then she cut off the topic.

Which makes me wonder. Is it maybe not so 'abnormal' for me to have these thoughts? Is it that everyone, or many people, at some point thinks about this? What are the chances she'll turn out to be transgendered (too)? I mean... seriously, what ARE the chances?

This is confusing. Especially since I'd just finished writing down what turned out to be an assertion that one of the reasons I'm on here and considering all of this is my resentment of being labelled 'woman' and generalized according to stereotypes I don't identify with - - - - social notions of gender, not the intrinsic/autonomous feeling. So what - maybe I'm just rebellish against society's standards? Maybe I'm just a girl with some deviant view on things?

I'm either very much unsure about all of this, or very much in denial of what I at some moments think I 'know'. Someone turn off my thinking-mode, PLEASE?!

Jeepers AlexanderG ,

You do analyze stuff .But thats cool , I mean there"s nothing like being aware of what and who we are , thing is , amigo,

if you overdo it you can burn out some "chips" , by that and only imo , things can become unclear you know??cant see the forest for d trees.

Chill and surf some fun waves a while , put the serious stuff away for another day dude. (finding man talk difficult ,sorry.), So hun, let someone

else drive a while and love yourself some. Luv, Viv.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Sally, viv,

thank you. As in: thank you very very much. That seriously helped, heeps!!!

[Carolyn Marie]

Alexander, I know so well what it's like to be confused. It's common to many of us, so you're in good company.

If you're not seeing a gender therapist, my suggestion is to do so. That will really help clarify things for you. They won't tell you which way

is up, but they will give you the tools to figure it out for yourself.

But since you're here at LP anyway, just look through the forums and find posts from other people who've had the same questions and doubts as

you. That will help get you mind around it. It really helped me A LOT hearing about the experiences of others. I wouldn't be on this road

to transition if I hadn't read and learned so much here.

Good luck, and BTW, you can put your thinking mode in "park" for a while and need not turn it off entirely. That can be bad when your driving!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Robin Winter]

Well, Alexader,

The only way that I know of to shut off your thinking mode for a little while is with the application of a blunt object to your head, so let's not do that.

I will tell you that the doubts and denial are very common but I do not believe that most people have any serious thoughts about actually changing their bodies.

i believe that your self doubts are very much like the ones that I had and they are your mind trying to find a way to convince you that nothing is wrong just be who everyone else says you are.

It won't work so try to decide based on what you feel not what you think, your heart and soul communicate with you and you need to listen.

That didn't help at all did it?

Maybe I should drop by with a blunt object?

Love ya,

Sally

Actually, that's a good idea Sally, just replace "blunt object" with one of those inflatable squeaky hammers.

*Hugs*

Shi

[Guest AlexanderG]

your mind trying to find a way to convince you that nothing is wrong just be who everyone else says you are.

My mind is definitely playing tricks on me, either way. If my wish in this is sincere, it's tricking me into thinking it isn't & all the half-witted theories and alternatives I come up with are just that - trickery in attempted denial.

On the other hand, I find it all too wondrous that things all suddenly make sense now. Why did I need someone to point out to me he sensed a certain detachment from my body in me before I could remember all the accumulated moments in which I resented my breasts? Why did I need that to be able to say that, hey, not only do I find them too big, and hanging too low - I find they just don't belong there. I would look much better and much more proportionate and such without them...

How come I realize all these things NOW, and not earlier, and only after being prompted? Am I not being manipulated into this stream of thought?

How'd you know if this is all coming-out-of-denial-and-letting-yourself-think-these-things OR being-overly-focused-on-the-subject-and-'making-things-up'?

Is this a familiar struggle - that you're half trying to convince yourself you're making it all up for some reason unknown?

At the same time - I notice I've carefully begun checking my friends' attitudes & making remarks that may someday prove to be preparation for coming-out...

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Its normal to question things. I think this is part of the reason that the SOC takes things in stages and generally suggests periods of time between each step. We need time to sort out our feelings and ask all of the appropriate questions.

Ive been in therapy for a year and a half off and on. Ive been on hrt for 9 months. And I still have days where I just wake up and go, "are you crazy?" I dont really wonder whether or not this is what i want so much as whether or not I will ever manage to find any peace or whether or not I am just setting myself up for failure in a dozen different ways. But then I have days like today. Today my feet are too big, my face is too masculine, I wiegh too much, I'm too tall, and my hair looks like something died on my head after losing half its fur. I hate every inch of my body, hate my voice and half my mannerisms, hate the way people relate to me, feel utterly trapped, and cannot look at a woman without wanting to cry. So yeah. Trans.

But everyone experiences this stuff in their own way, to their own degree, and ultimately everyone should be able to find the degree of help and change, if required, that makes them feel better. Thats the issue. Keep asking the questions, keep thinking about it, so long as you dont depress or tax yourself too much, and keep on being honest with yourself. That above all other things is the most important. Dont lie to yourself. Dont trick or fool yourself. Trans or not, be true to who you are. If it takes you a while to figure out who that person is, thats ok, too.

::hugs::

Good luck!

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thanks!!!

Hm. I had an appointment today but the psych was sick so go figure... won't be till the end of next month now. I could go earlier but I have to get off of work AGAIN so I'm not gonna (whatdayamean just needed an excuse to postpone?). But next thursday's my meeting with my counsellor, and I'll be able to get at least somethings straightened out, or so I hope...

I more or less told my friend that I was serious about 'growing a beard, losing my breasts, and getting a penis.' She either doesn't take it very serious or doesn't really care (& likes me for who I am). She said 'if you figure out how to grow a penis, share the secret?' hehe. But I dunno. She talks about wanting bigger breasts and stuff... I don't think she's serious about wanting to be a man.

In the mean time... looking for a second name!!! Now ain't htat nicely diestractive from the importnat stuff?!