Hello World, Where Do I Fit In?

[Guest MisMatched]

I'm new here, 41 years old and born male. I'm wondering what it is that I have that makes me feel different from Just about everyone I know.

May as well start at the beginning (at least as early as I can remember). I recall clearly feeling something was not right when I was 3. I started school when I was 4, once around other kids (girls in particular) I knew what didn't feel right... I thought I should have been a girl instead. I would still be ok doing most boy stuff, but I had this overwhelming desire to be "pretty". At that time all I knew about the difference between girls and boys was that girls had better clothes, longer hair (with options on how to wear it) and they used a different bathroom.I could do that!!! I would try wearing things (that were nowhere near my size) that made me feel pretty. Even at 4 I kind of knew other little boys didn't have this same need so I was always careful not to be seen. All I needed to do was make myself pretty in the mirror and then somehow it was OK to also go and be a boy, sometimes for months between letting my inner little girl out to play.

Although I didn't have the words then to describe it, my whole self seemed like it finally matched when I was "pretty" (like this is how I was meant to be and wished I could be like this all the time).

I was a relatively bright kid, I found the whole duality as fascinating as a science experiment! My normal boy self, for lack of other things to compare, likes vivid colors. Purple with more blue in it is still my favorite, followed by blue and then green. When I was feeling like a girl, my favorite color was purple with more red in it, pink and sometimes yellow, but not vivid like the boy, my girl "side" preferred pastels. I learned how to apply makeup from the pages of women's magazines like Cosmo. I could make my eyes "pop" by age 8, when real girls were still trying to find their own sense of style with makeup, often times crossing the "Tammy Faye" line in the process.

I can't say it was a negative experience at all, imagine being able to transform yourself for a few hours into the vision of how you were meant to be, and that was enough to make existence in your birth shell seem ok!

At this point everything SEEMS clear-cut... enter the puberty fiasco (at age 11 and a half). According to most people that know me, I am somewhat of a perfectionist (although I don't see it, I feel like the most flawed person ever) and when I could no longer convince myself that the person in the mirror was my true inner girl I kind of "split". My uber-girly "self" couldn't be made happy anymore so I put her in a mental box, gave her a name and spent the last 30 years protecting her from the world. Not that my boy self is even all that boyish, but nobody would guess that I am someone who would have rather been been a girl. It became important for me to not ruin my memory of myself as truly happy, so I stopped dressing up. I still didn't feel connected to the idea of being a boy, so I was just mostly depressed from ages 12 to about 17. (as if that age isn't trying enough!) I started taking some summer classes in college and had a psych class, that's when I decided to try and figure out what it was that happened to me. Back then there wasn't much to go on.

I did figure that I should try to find something to make being a man ok, so I chose sex and romance. I eventually got a girlfriend (not until age 19) and that seemed to do the trick. It still didn't feel like my right body, it's like a rental car, but when I could find something to make it OK, it was like getting an upgrade from the rental company (still not MY car, but not so bad either).

I still have my girly self existing in my head almost like another person who never comes out. I still feel like my body just isn't right, but I have no alternative... My perfectionism about the issue would prevent me from doing anything about it because it just wouldn't be REAL. And even if I could pull off pretty, how could I pull off 11 which is where I left her? I feel like life was one big rip-off on a personal level. Interpersonally, I have been married for the last 14 years and have 3 kids. Even if there were a pill to make me a real genuine 100% female, I could never give up being DAD, which is a lifetime job.

I still miss that little girl, I still truly believe I would have had a more personally rewarding life if I had been a girl and I sometimes feel I'm just a really good method actor playing a man. My girl side never got past age 11, I can sometimes hear thoughts that I might have had when I was 11 about things I see that she would have liked to wear... sometimes I agree (but not always). I kind of have her almost idolized, she is my one great creation, a lone example of perfection in my otherwise flawed life. She's my little stepford girl, almost like a Cullen. She can never get sick, never be hurt, never grow old and never be spoiled by the world.

So what am I exactly? (Sorry for the long first post, but now you know a lil bit about me)

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi MisMatched,

Welcome to Laura's Playground where the people are friendly and supportive, information is available and helpful, and support is always available.

Yours while unique is a familiar story. I have memories of wanting to dress as (or be, maybe) a girl from at least 5, probably before. But what your are, that's a tough one. The best answer is to find a qualified, helpful and knowledgeable gender therapist who can ask (and maybe answer) the right questions and help you find out who you are and what course you should take to help you live a full life.

Here on the site, there are links to all sorts of good information, or you can ask questions and lots of people will respond as best they can.

We're glad you're here.

Chloë

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Slipped down without a whole lot of comments - happens sometimes - sorry if you were disappointed.

What are you? Well... to find out? Stock answer - a gender dysphoria trained therapist is the answer. We at Laura's are not trained to tell you.

I can say that you are somewhat like me - knew early you were probably a girl, and worked to be the best you could be - until you had to peform as a boy - then you playacted forever - holding back. So if you feel you cannot connect with yourself - well that's not true.

My inter girl stayed with me and got me through some tough times. I never had the 'girly' things I deserved but I did develop into the woman I am today, but just in a male body. I worked with my therapist when it finally became apparent I could not hide myself from the world anymore. I was age 61 at the time. Yes - joy of fatherhood - three children - now grown up - that's understandable. BUT its my time, now!

I am in transition. It's a terribly difficult thing to do - and you cannot do it without guidence. You cannot even START on that road unless you get the preparation you need.

So I know you want to know what you might be. I cannot say - you should not self-diagnose.

But your story is typical. I would say you are at least genderr dysphoric.

There is nothing wrong with you - you were probably born that way.

So look around and ask more questions. We wil try to help best we can - plus, we value the opinions and life experience you have.

Hope this helps a little

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi and welcome MisMatched.

What you have experienced and are experiencing is very similar to mine. Like you, I am also a dad, and will always be dad to my kids. That is all OK!! They know me now (as I have come out to them.. they are adults now so it really was no big deal for me).

You may want to consider exploring and getting in touch with that little girl inside you. In my case, the woman inside me burst her way through the male fasade practically overnight.

I am glad that you have joined, and are asking questions. I will tell you this, the more you post here, the clearer you will see yourself

So post!!!!

Love

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Mismatched and welcome to Laura's. I see you've met my wonderful sisters already. They are fine ladies.

Like many of us older transwomen and transmen, you have a life that is fully developed and therefore more complicated than the

younger members here. That doesn't mean that developing your true self and letting her shine through is impossible. I have a

teenage son and a wife but I am planning to start transition soon. It is hard, but it is doable. That doesn't mean that it is for you,

only you will know that after time in therapy.

Explore the forums and listen to all the experienced voices you'll find here. They will help you find yourself, as they helped me and so

many others. It is a journey of self exploration that will open your eyes and your heart. It is a journey worth taking. I wish you success.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest MisMatched]

Thanks for the replies! This site definitely seems like a great resource.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

MisMatched not only is this an excellent resource it has saved the lives of many. There are lots on here who wouldnt be here, me amoung them, if it were not for the kind, caring and compasionate people who are here. We are all in different phases of our transition journies, all with different goals in mind. Some are just beginning, some nearly complete, some have completed and moved on where as others have completed and remain to help their younger brothers and sisters with their own journies