Recent Talk With My Wife

[Guest Heather taru]

Well, I had a very emotional talk with my wife yesterday. She seems to be pretty supportive one moment, then mean the next. So we sat down to talk, and she starts telling me about how she feels about my transition. She says that she loves being supportive and helping me, but said that every time she does, she feels like I slip away from her just a little bit more. She says that when I told her my therapist was giving me my letter, she said she nearly broke down. She says she wants me to be happy, but does not want to hold me back from transitioning. She said that she wants to be happy too. She says that she deserves to be happy, but doesn't know what to do. Then she made comments alluding to us separating. All I could do was tell her that I want her to be happy. Then we stopped talking.

She is the sweetest, most selfless person I know, but I know my transition is hurting her. We have been together for nearly ten years (high school sweeties that lasted). I want her to be happy. The old adage "if you love something let it go, if it returns it's love" (or however it goes) keeps springing to mind. I'm torn. I hate where my transition is taking me in my relationship, but like I told her, I have to do this. I don't want to regret my life, and I don't want to live another moment as "sir".

I'm terrified an so freaking emotional. I hate this. I have been depressed for so long...which is new. I never truly understood depression until I started my transition.

I don't mean to pour this on everyone, but just typing seems somewhat theraputic. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but we'll see I guess.

Oh, and I think my wife has made up her mind on what she wants to do, cause she refuses to talk to SOs of other TSs. I dunno...

Sorry everyone, I feel like Debbie Downer heh.

On a positive note, after the talk I went driving, and ended up in a town an hour from home. So I purchased the lady gaga cd I have been wanting, along with a new kabuki style makeup brush. Got the brush from a beauty supply store. That was a small positve moment for me. I did that little bit of shopping with no nervousness.

Ok - end rambling.

[Guest viv]

Well, I had a very emotional talk with my wife yesterday. She seems to be pretty supportive one moment, then mean the next. So we sat down to talk, and she starts telling me about how she feels about my transition. She says that she loves being supportive and helping me, but said that every time she does, she feels like I slip away from her just a little bit more. She says that when I told her my therapist was giving me my letter, she said she nearly broke down. She says she wants me to be happy, but does not want to hold me back from transitioning. She said that she wants to be happy too. She says that she deserves to be happy, but doesn't know what to do. Then she made comments alluding to us separating. All I could do was tell her that I want her to be happy. Then we stopped talking.

She is the sweetest, most selfless person I know, but I know my transition is hurting her. We have been together for nearly ten years (high school sweeties that lasted). I want her to be happy. The old adage "if you love something let it go, if it returns it's love" (or however it goes) keeps springing to mind. I'm torn. I hate where my transition is taking me in my relationship, but like I told her, I have to do this. I don't want to regret my life, and I don't want to live another moment as "sir".

I'm terrified an so freaking emotional. I hate this. I have been depressed for so long...which is new. I never truly understood depression until I started my transition.

I don't mean to pour this on everyone, but just typing seems somewhat theraputic. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but we'll see I guess.

Oh, and I think my wife has made up her mind on what she wants to do, cause she refuses to talk to SOs of other TSs. I dunno...

Sorry everyone, I feel like Debbie Downer heh.

On a positive note, after the talk I went driving, and ended up in a town an hour from home. So I purchased the lady gaga cd I have been wanting, along with a new kabuki style makeup brush. Got the brush from a beauty supply store. That was a small positve moment for me. I did that little bit of shopping with no nervousness.

Ok - end rambling.

Hello Heather,

My first Marriage got annulled cos of me being trans. Nothing I could do . If yours ends make sure its

a friendly split . Stay friends as she will turn out to be your best, no one knows you better than your oh. Like you

said , you love her enough to let her go. Even if you stopped transition your relationship would never be the same,

if you think about it , it would be worse. What I have just said Heather has been difficult to say to you . Few want

to "get involved" but, Heather, imagine in a few years down the road, you have happily transitioned and your best

friend is your ex. Things will turn out for the best and both of you will be all the happier. Luv, viv.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Heather you have just found one of the hard points that nearly all of us who are married or in committed relationships go through, the confusion, hate, hurt, anger and still behind it all the love of our SO. It has taken my wife nearly 6 months to come to the place where not only is she my biggest supporter but is also going to stay married to me even though the fundamentals have changed drastically.

It will take your wife lots of space and time to get used to the idea, process what has happened and figure out what she is going to do with the information and how your relationship will look durring and after it. She may not find a way to come to terms with it and that might mean the end of the relationship but if she does come to terms with it and decide to stay with you your marriage can survive darned near anything since this is one of the worst things you can do to a marriage.

How can you help? There are many things you might want to try, let her have plenty of time to herself(even if this means moving on to the couch or into the spare room), I would recommend that you not bring the subject up, but if she does try your best to answer her questions. Know that she may well seek the counsel of members of her family or trusted girlfriends (yes this will out you to some but please try not to loose your cool). It is my feeling that by showing her you still love her enough to let her make her own decisions on this extremely important matter she MAY come around and decide that it is somthing she can live with and still love you as her partner.

Best of luck on this, we are always here for advice

[Carolyn Marie]

Heather, I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well for you at the moment. It seems to be par for the course for nearly everyone in our

situation.

Joanna is right, it takes a long time for the spouse to adjust to the new reality, and frankly, she may never get to the point of total acceptance.

In order for the two of you to stay together, she will have to get to the point of understanding that she loves the person you are, not just the

physical shell of the person. You need to make her see that you will be the same person she married, except that you won't look the same.

You can also point out that you will almost certainly be a happier person.

It may not be enough, but then again, maybe it will.

It is as difficult a road for the spouses to travel as it is for us, but we've had a much longer time to adapt and adjust to the idea than they have.

Give her time, and with lots of love and support from you, hopefully she will see that it can be done and you can stay together.

I wish you luck. Keep us posted and we'll continue to offer support.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest angie]

My heart goes out to you Heather,

Your wife is experiencing the first stages of the grieving process,

that is why the anger after the words of acceptance.My ex did the

same thing.If she has made up her mind to move out,try separation.

All you can do is to make sure to be there for her if ever she needs you.

This is the hardest part of our journey to our real selves for some of us.

I hope that she decides she can handle the change and tries to work it out.

Big Soft Hugs of Empathy and Understanding,

Angelique

[Guest yvonne]

Heather,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I came out to my wife within the last month. She's always known I was a crossdresser, as I told her very early in our relationship and she says, "go ahead, dress your brains out, I don't care one bit".

She's deadset against HRT, however, and really went negative at that point. I had an appointment with a GT at that time, which was later canceled by the GT. I have to find another.

But, I digress. My wife of 30 years threatened to walk out. She's never talked like that, ever. I was scared to death. She said she married a man and wanted a man. She didn't need another girlfriend. She said if I think for a minute that she'll sit around with me and talk about nail polish, forget it. I should mention at this point that she has no sex drive, nor do I. Sex has been something we haven't had for decades and we're both very happy with that. That's a point for me in this situation.

She shut off conversation regarding "going further". She was very clear, however, that I was free to dress all I wanted at home. Our kid is grown and gone, so it's just us.

Fine, I shut up about anything else. I did begin to dress every single minute at home and never mentioned anything regarding my journey again.

All I could do was to do my best to be the best little spouse I could. I really enjoyed talking to her and we've spent a lot of time just enjoying each others company and there's a lot of things people can talk about that don't involve journeys.

I've been out of town on a business trip for a while and have called her frequently and gone out of my way to spend a lot of time talking to her and showing her that I was kind, thoughtful, considerate and caring. Hey, all I can do is be my sweet, lovable self....

Yesterday, after we'd been on the phone a while, she blurted out--"You've just been amazingly thoughtful and kind recently. You've never called me this much on a trip before, ever. Ever since our talk you've been an amazing person". I said, which talk was that? We'd have a few, so I wasn't sure. She made sure I knew it was THE talk...

That doesn't mean I'm out of the woods, by any means, but it does mean she's at least demonstrating some understanding and potential flexibility. There's a lot of road ahead.

It takes time to overcome the shock and each person deals with it in their own way. All you can do is be sweet, considerate and as caring as you can. Both of you are very vulnerable now and it may be difficult, but you must reach for the strength to show her you're there for her now, you care now and you're still nice to be around. Let her have something positive to try to build on, while giving her whatever space she seems to need.

I think the key, if there is one, is to give, give, give and do your best not to take. Use us if you have to, we're here for you and we're all pulling for you.

A big, long hug for you, my sister,

Yvonne

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Heather,

You cannot deny who you are. Once you see who you are, there really is no turning back. Actually why would you want to anyway. You have been freed. I do hope that you can continue to have a meaningful relationship with your spouse. Keep in mind that you are not doing something to her. You are not going out of your way to drift away from her. You are truely being yourself at long last. Whether she can accept that is up to her, not you.

I am glad you were able to do some shopping Makes me feel better too.

To deny yourself who you are now is unrealistic.

Continue to be yourself. Let things work out as they will and know that it is all for the best for everyone in the long run.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Heather taru]

Thanks everyone. The kind words and helpful advice....helps. ^^

That is something that she said to me, tha I was much nicer and consderate since I started my transition. I told her that is because I am finally able to drop the BS masculine persona. She understands that I am me, and becoming more like my true self all the time.

It's weird, I don't know what she is going to do in the future. She has helped me so much. I owe my new wardrobe to her, she has taught me tons about makeup, about feminine behavior, everything. I know she is scared, but I don't know what to do. I dont bring my transition up with her, but I can't hide it; I'm already living fem at home.

I don't like our future being so uncertain. I am just going to hang on for now and hope for the best.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try not to let this depression get the best of me. Mayb soon I'll be my normal, irritatingly funny and talkative person again.

Hugs all around

[Guest AshleyRF]

I know how you feel Heather. My wife and I are highschool sweethearts. We were barely teenagers when we started dating. She was 13 and I was 15. Granted she has known about me since about a year after we started dating and has always been totally supportive of this, (in fact she prefers it as she identifies as lesbian). However that's not to say it has been easy for us. My personality has changed so much since starting HRT and living full time that I'm almost like a totally different person now. I honestly never expected this kind of change in my personality. I figured I'd of changed some physically from the HRT and possibly a little emotionally, but I never dreamed it would change me this much emotionally. I think the the hardest thing for my wife to deal with now, is that I no longer identify as lesbian, but rather I am bisexual. I never really thought about guys prior to transition other the seeing one that I thought was kind of cute occasionally. Now, it's more than just thinking they are cute. Some of them are just HOT and YUMMY!!!

The two of us are totally in love with one another, but honestly, if she were not so into women herself, there is no way we could have stayed together.

I hope everything works out for you.

Hugs

Ash

[Guest Erin Quinn]

Wishing you the best Heather. Listen to these other ladies here, for they know much more than I. But still, many hugs and I wish you the best my sister, those of us who have significant others all come to this point at one or another