It's All About *me*

[Guest yvonne]

Many of us have spouses or SOs that end up having to deal with something nobody should have to deal with--"The person I fell in love with is completely changing. The finished product is like nothing I ever bargained for in good faith from the start". From their perspective, life couldn't get any crueler. What a rip off. If we were merchandise, the buyer would be perfectly correct in contacting the Attorney General in our state or province, filing a complaint, and rightfully expecting their money back. So, why do so many of us expect a spouse or SO to accept the fact that, It's all about *ME*. What do they get out of the deal?

So, what do we do to salvage the situation? Just walk away or figure out a strategy? A key to success I learned a long time ago is to turn your weakness into an asset.

So, the weakness is that we're not men anymore, we're simpering, whining, self-centered little girls. We expect our mates to help us pick out clothes and make-up and watch us turn into something they never bargained for. So, what's wrong with this picture?

Girls, I see 2 alternatives for us, here. For those of us who are also suffering depression from the journey, perhaps it's time to go to the GT and ask if maybe we shouldn't sit back and take stock of our situation. Perhaps there's some other way of resolving what's in our heads, other than the course we've chosen if it's making us depressed, when we weren't before.

For those of us to whom the journey has brought us great joy, keep the train rolling.

Just some random thoughts. I somehow think that if we do something and feel bad about it, it may not be the right thing and if it makes us feel really good, that's a positive sign. I'm certainly no head doctor, just thinking out loud.

For myself, being a man meant that I was more concerned about things and actions, rather than relationships. Women really value relationships, men value activity and competition. That's why men like sports and women don't put such a high priority on it.

Since I've accepted my true identity, I've slowly been sliding the man aside and working on developing the woman. As such, I've worked on relationships, just for the sake of relationships. I find it's become important to me to make the people I come into contact with feel better for having been in contact with me. This is crazy, but people I don't even know and will never see again? C'mon, how goofy is that?

I wrote that I'd been stuck in a check-out line in a store for 20 minutes (when I had an "incredible-pressure" time deadline that I was watching melt away) and, somehow, I felt compelled to banter nicely with the checkout clerk, to let her know that the line wasn't her fault and I appreciated her.

I've been staying in a hotel for the last week on business and have become very good friends with every cashier, waitress and cook at the restaurant downstairs. I've told nearly every one of them something nice I observed about them. I've gone out of my way to compliment them. (I've pretty much made myself sick over the girly stuff ), but I've loved every minute of it. Every time I make somebody else feel a little better, I feel great.

I just got off the phone with my wife. We talked for nearly an hour. We haven't done that since we were kids.

She commented on it. I said talking like this was like "the old days" for us. We've been together nearly 30 years. She said it was like before we'd (insert major time-taking event here) 16 years ago. We both changed jobs and we loved the jobs we had and each got immersed in them. It drifted us apart.

Now, the new girl in me says that relationships are important and I'm really working at this one. There were long pauses in our conversation. The man in me would have said it's time to go. The girl in me just sat back and savored the pleasure in having a relationship at that moment. No hurry to hang up, who wants to quit now? I'm enjoying every minute of this. The real, true joy this is bringing me (as a girl) is immense.

If there are those of you suffering from depression, take it upon yourself to make as many other people happy tomorrow as you can. EVERYONE you come into contact with should feel better having seen you.

OMG---I've become a friggin cheerleader.....

Anyway, I digress, as usual. The wife said this is great and we're achieving a closeness we haven't had for years. All because I'm risking it all letting the cat out of the bag and becoming the real me. I think this me is going to have a lot of fun going forward. I love the pom poms... I love being a girl.

Hugs to all of you sisters here. It means a lot that I have a place I can talk things out. Wow, talk things out. That's how girls resolve conflicts in their heads. It' really true, I'm a girl.

Yvonne

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Time, space, pacience and love seem to be the keys.

Love her enough to give her the time and space that she needs to figure out the new realities,

love her enough to give her the space to make the choices she needs to make

love her enough that if giving her space means you have the couch or spare room then so be it

love her enough that she is the one to bring the subject up, or you risk having her think your are pushing her

love her enough that when she askes her girlfriends what to do you dont freak because she outed you. This is the female way of finding accomodation

have the pacience to know that things like this take time(and lots of it)

have the understanding to know that she may never come to the place of full acceptance, but as long as she can live with the changes you are miles ahead

LOVE HER ENOUGH THAT THE CHOICE OF CONTINUING WITH YOU OR LEAVING YOU IS HERS

DO NOT SAY THIS IS THE WAY IT IS, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT (OR SOMETHING SIMILAR) FOR SUCH AN ULTIMATUM CAN NEARLY GUARNTEE EITHER SHE WILL LEAVE OR YOU WILL BE TOSSED OUT

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Yvonne hon,

I am glad that you have reached a new point in realizing your humanity. Please do not mistake being human for being feminine. If identifying yourself as female has made you realize that you are human then I am all for it. I have seen many sterotypes being thrown around here recently. The assertion that women are all about relationships and men are all about competition is not necessarily true. As we all must be careful not to assume what other transgender groups are all about, we must not also assume what biological genders are all about.

It is wonderful that you have reached a new level of closeness with your wife, and with the people who are around you.

Welcome to humanity.

Brenda

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Many of us have spouses or SOs that end up having to deal with something nobody should have to deal with--"The person I fell in love with is completely changing. The finished product is like nothing I ever bargained for in good faith from the start". From their perspective, life couldn't get any crueler. What a rip off. If we were merchandise, the buyer would be perfectly correct in contacting the Attorney General in our state or province, filing a complaint, and rightfully expecting their money back. So, why do so many of us expect a spouse or SO to accept the fact that, It's all about *ME*. What do they get out of the deal?

So, what do we do to salvage the situation? Just walk away or figure out a strategy? A key to success I learned a long time ago is to turn your weakness into an asset.

So, the weakness is that we're not men anymore, we're simpering, whining, self-centered little girls. We expect our mates to help us pick out clothes and make-up and watch us turn into something they never bargained for. So, what's wrong with this picture?

Girls, I see 2 alternatives for us, here. For those of us who are also suffering depression from the journey, perhaps it's time to go to the GT and ask if maybe we shouldn't sit back and take stock of our situation. Perhaps there's some other way of resolving what's in our heads, other than the course we've chosen if it's making us depressed, when we weren't before.

For those of us to whom the journey has brought us great joy, keep the train rolling.

Just some random thoughts. I somehow think that if we do something and feel bad about it, it may not be the right thing and if it makes us feel really good, that's a positive sign. I'm certainly no head doctor, just thinking out loud.

You'll have to excuse me if I lost you after a point, but I need to understand the above quote. The rest of your conversation seemed to divert from it. What I'm reading, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that you recommend finding another solution to transitioning if its hurting the people around you. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. How is that fair to me? Sure, maybe this "sudden" personality shift, as my mother seems to think, isn't what some people bought at the store. I know that when I bought my car it was shiny and clean. Now its grimy and dirty. Do I demand a refund from Toyota because of nature? I know this isn't the greatest example (and honestly, what would be?) but should our parents, spouses, and SOs pressure us into stagnating because it makes them happy? In the long run, I know its not going to kill my mother for her to adapt. In the long run, it will kill me if I have to stay miserable.

.Anna

[Guest yvonne]

You'll have to excuse me if I lost you after a point, but I need to understand the above quote. The rest of your conversation seemed to divert from it. What I'm reading, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that you recommend finding another solution to transitioning if its hurting the people around you. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. How is that fair to me? Sure, maybe this "sudden" personality shift, as my mother seems to think, isn't what some people bought at the store. I know that when I bought my car it was shiny and clean. Now its grimy and dirty. Do I demand a refund from Toyota because of nature? I know this isn't the greatest example (and honestly, what would be?) but should our parents, spouses, and SOs pressure us into stagnating because it makes them happy? In the long run, I know its not going to kill my mother for her to adapt. In the long run, it will kill me if I have to stay miserable.

.Anna

Hi Anna,

It was a pretty rambling jumble of thoughts, wasn't it?

Here's what I think you're concerned about:

"Girls, I see 2 alternatives for us, here. For those of us who are also suffering depression from the journey, perhaps it's time to go to the GT and ask if maybe we shouldn't sit back and take stock of our situation. Perhaps there's some other way of resolving what's in our heads, other than the course we've chosen if it's making us depressed, when we weren't before."

My above statement on being depressed is for us only, it would be almost expected for some around us to get that way. I'm talking about the transition journey causing depression in the transitioner. Those sentences of mine contain no reference to anyone other than the transitioner, themself.

I probably shouldn't even talk this way, as I'm certainly no expert in how the brain works. However, it seems to me that, if a girl was not depressed before beginning the transition and she is now depressed as a result of it, that maybe there's something that may not be right about it for her. That's all. It's the old "if your head hurts when you bang it on the wall, maybe you shouldn't bang it on the wall" and nothing more.

For you to say you would be miserable if you're prevented from transitioning, I think that would be an expected, normal outcome. Since I've discovered my true identity and accepted my true self, which I never understood before, I never want to go back (to the idea I must be a man).

I'm sorry if I caused any confusion.

Yvonne

[Guest angie]

If I had waited until I didn't hurt someone to be my true self...

I wouldn't have come out,chose my real name,decided to transition.

Most of our loved ones are never ready for the reality that we Must be

true to our gender.And the girly ones who can cry to their wives asking

for their help,if she is understanding and willing,or even if she isn't a

willing participant,are lucky to have the help wandering this new sea of

femininity.No our spouse didn't sign up for this gig.And yes it does take

being selfish thinking of ourselves.As my ex told me last week,"If you

hadn't been selfish and put yourself first,you wouldn't be where you are now."

How True,

Angelique

[Guest yvonne]

Yvonne hon,

I am glad that you have reached a new point in realizing your humanity. Please do not mistake being human for being feminine. If identifying yourself as female has made you realize that you are human then I am all for it. I have seen many sterotypes being thrown around here recently. The assertion that women are all about relationships and men are all about competition is not necessarily true. As we all must be careful not to assume what other transgender groups are all about, we must not also assume what biological genders are all about.

It is wonderful that you have reached a new level of closeness with your wife, and with the people who are around you.

Welcome to humanity.

Brenda

Brenda,

That's a very good observation and one that had escaped me. This conflict that I've been forced to deal with my entire life has apparently been harder on me than I'd previously realized, and I knew it was extremely stressful to deal with.

I shouldn't be giving advice to anyone. All I can do is relate what this has done for me. My self acceptance is ongoing and developing.

Physically, I don't look any different, but when I look in the mirror I see a girl looking back, not a man, like before. Every day it seems to soak in deeper and deeper and I become more accepting of my girlhood. This was not something that just happened overnight to me, it's a continuum that's progressing. The more it progresses, the better I feel.

I'm so lucky to have finally figured this out. I'm not sure I even know what a bad mood is, anymore (for me, that is. I can readily recognize it in others).....

After my first post that started this thread, I left the motel I'm staying in and went next door to the restaurant and, during the course of my meal, made friends with the little girl that was my waitress and her mom, who owns the place. Apparently, my demeanor was so nice that mom wanted to take a picture of me with her daughter. I'm spreading so much joy and cheer, I might make myself sick...

Thanks for your observations. This is one of the reasons I've come to be so fond of becoming a part of this group. It's helped me a lot and means a lot to me to be able to express myself from the heart.

I haven't started therapy and I continue to publicly present as a male. It's all in my head and all in my heart and I love every bit of it.

Thanks to all of you for allowing me to share it.

Hugs,

Yvonne

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yvonne......

I guess that many of us share on some of your points....

Yes, many of us are selfish when we finally come out to the spouse...it's all me...me...me...

I did that, too...

I had to step back and re-evaluate what I was doing and I realized that I was running over anything or anybody in my path...we do have to be aware of the feelings of those around us..they are our support and we should be theirs...

As far as not transitioning to spare other's feelings....well, you can't make an omlet if you don't break the egg...

And the total come around in attitudes and feelings?

Well, a lot of my feelings came to the surface about last Christmas and I nearly went broke putting money in those Salvation Army pots...

It got so the my wife would grab my hand and hold on tight until we passed one by.....LOL

We do change a lot! And what we gain is totally worth it!

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

OMG---I've become a friggin cheerleader.....

Nothing wrong with that!

Yes as a woman we can do that - love each other - talk to other girls - we are finally in touch with the world.

Its so liberating!

As to the ME ME me thing?

I had to find a therapist for my wife, one that understands gender dysphoria (RARE) It has helped her. Our therapists have been working on the guilt/betrayal cycle. It was not really my fault I was born this way. My wife asks why I didn't tell her before. I explain I didn't understsnd, and thought iif I ignored it - it would go away? DUHHHH.. And the two therapist showed me I needed to go slow. Baby steps...

Lizzy