The Diagnosis

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

This is fiction but does show some of the things which MIGHT happen when we come out to our spouses/SO's

It was a day like any other as Mika walked back into the home that he and his wife Mary had shared for the last twelve years. Sometimes they both wondered how they and the marriage survived the hell that had been the last three or four. Mika had entered therapy for his anger, and depression; he had been seeing a psychiatrist for his depression as well but it seemed like nothing they gave him to do, or no pills that they gave him helped. Mika knew that there must be something else going on but for the life of him there was no way he could fathom what it might be and there was no way either he was ready for the diagnosis that he received today. On thing was for sure if he wasnt ready for it he knew that Mary certainly wasn't.

"You home hun?" he asked as he came through the front door with his heart high in his throat and pounding like a hammermill

"How'd things go?" asked Mary as she gave him a welcome home hug

Mika felt his willpower escaping him and was seriously wondering if he had the fortitude to go through with what had to be done. He and his counselor had spent much of the session covering just how to handle this delicate and often relationship destroying moment. He lead Mary to the couch and asked her to sit because he had something important to tell her.

Slowly he began the monologue and almost immediately wished he hadnt, "Mary, you and I have been together for some time and during that time I know there have been stretches where I've not been the greatest person on the planet," he paused to try and stop his voice from breaking and the rest of him from disolving into tears, "You know I have been seeing my counselor and psychiatrist for over a year now an nothing they seem to have done or given me had done any good "

"Isn't that the truth, " thought Mary as Mika continued

"Over the last several sessions we have finally managed to get to the bottom of what the issue is and today I got handed the diagnosis. It's one I wasnt ready for and I know you certainly arent."

"What ever it is we can work through it," said Mary blissfully ignorant of how badly blindsided she was about to be.

"I sincerly hope you are right," Mika began; continuing almost where he left off he started, "Dear, I love you and know of no other way to tell you how things happened today in therapy. I knew it was going to be an unusual session because Doc D. was there as well and this is the first time that he has been in on one of my couseling sessions." It was just then that he felt his emotions breaking and knew his voice wouldnt be far behind summoning up what were almost his last reserves of courage he continued, "I dont know how familiar you are with Gender Identiy Disorder but..."

Some how Mary sensed where he was going with this and cut him off. In fear, uncertainty and anger she began a monologue of her own, "IF YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU NEED TO BE, WANT TO BE OR SOMEHOW ARE A WOMAN THEN THAT WILL BE IT FOR US. I AM NOT LESBIAN, HAVE NO DESIRE TO LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AS ONE AND CERTAINLY DONT WANT TO KNOW THAT FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS YOU HAVE LIED TO ME. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A MAN AND TOLD ME WHEN WE MARRIED THAT YOU WOULD DEFEND, AND HONOR ME. HOW DOES THIS QUANTUM CHANGE FIT THE MARRIAGE VOWS YOU SPOKE THOSE YEARS AGO?"

This explosion was something that Mika was not ready for, and he knew that in many ways she was right or at least as she saw things she was. His counselor had told him that if this happened to let her vent and the give her some room and maybe over time he and Mary might be able to pick up the pieces.

Like a volcanic eruption this one was not yet over. Mary, hardly missing a beat or stopping for breath continued, "I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY MOTHER SHE KEPT TELLING ME THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING ODD ABOUT YOU, THAT YOU WEREN'T ALL THAT YOU SHOWED ON THE SURFACE. SHE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE RIGHT ON THESE THINGS. WHY DONT I LEAVE RIGHT NOW, OR THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR SORRY LESBIAN ARSE, I HAVE NO IDEA."

Mika sat there as her words like the blows of a hammer or the stab of a knife hurt him more and more to the point that he realy wondered why he bothered to do this and if there was going to be enough of him left to carry on, or if there was going to be enough of the relationship left to pick up the pieces of. He knew he couldn't take much more of this but also sensed that Mary was, or maybe it was wishful thinking that she, was just blowing off steam. He was also wondering why she got so hung up on this lesbian thing; all he could do was sit and take it until she finished, when ever that was going to be. Sitting there, and being torn to shreds the way he was did nothing for his equilibrium and he slowly started to cry. If Mary noticed she said nothing and, to his mind, callously continued with her destruction of everything Mika.

"I DONT KNOW AND REALLY DONT CARE WHERE YOU SLEEP, I HAVE NO DESIRE TO HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN IN BED WITH ME SO FIND SOME PLACE ELSE", she continued with her voice rising to a pitch that he had not heard before and carrying such vehemence and venom that it truly cut him to the core of his being, "UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN MY BEDROOM SO YOU'D BEST FIND A PLACE TO SLEEP AND HANG ALL OF THOSE CLOTHES OF YOURS SINCE I DONT WANT OR NEED THEM IN MY CLOSET TAKING UP ROOM THAT I MIGHT NEED."

With that she stormed off to the master bedroom and he could hear her, none too gently, pulling his stuff from the hangers. Slowly he got up from the chair he had sat, or more than likely collapsed, on and made his way to the guest room. This wasn't the way they, he and the counselor, had thought it might go. Mika had been ready to offer to move into the spare room but now there was no choice in the matter. It seemed like there was no choice in a lot of other matters as well. How was this going to play out, would they be able to salvage things he didnt know. What he did know was that he had to get used to being, as it felt to him, on the loosing end of a family feud.

The second slam of the bedroom door told him that his stuff was ready to be picked up. Slowly he headed down to what used to be their room to pick up his clothes. On top of the pile was a small box that he recognized instantly and its presence with his things hurt him worse than all of her words. It was the box that once held the rings he gave her twelve years ago, he knew that this was her way of saying she wanted out. It took him several trips but he finally got all of his clothes into the closet and put that small box here he wouldnt have to see it again. He laid down on the bed and cried like a baby, this had not gone at all the way he hoped and now not only was he in limbo with his life he didn't know if he would have his wife along side him for this journey.

[Guest Donna Jean]

This is fiction but does show some of the things which MIGHT happen when we come out to our spouses/SO's

It was a day like any other as Mika walked back into the home that he and his wife Mary had shared for the last twelve years. Sometimes they both wondered how they and the marriage survived the hell that had been the last three or four. Mika had entered therapy for his anger, and depression; he had been seeing a psychiatrist for his depression as well but it seemed like nothing they gave him to do, or no pills that they gave him helped. Mika knew that there must be something else going on but for the life of him there was no way he could fathom what it might be and there was no way either he was ready for the diagnosis that he received today. On thing was for sure if he wasnt ready for it he knew that Mary certainly wasn't.

"You home hun?" he asked as he came through the front door with his heart high in his throat and pounding like a hammermill

"How'd things go?" asked Mary as she gave him a welcome home hug

Mika felt his willpower escaping him and was seriously wondering if he had the fortitude to go through with what had to be done. He and his counselor had spent much of the session covering just how to handle this delicate and often relationship destroying moment. He lead Mary to the couch and asked her to sit because he had something important to tell her.

Slowly he began the monologue and almost immediately wished he hadnt, "Mary, you and I have been together for some time and during that time I know there have been stretches where I've not been the greatest person on the planet," he paused to try and stop his voice from breaking and the rest of him from disolving into tears, "You know I have been seeing my counselor and psychiatrist for over a year now an nothing they seem to have done or given me had done any good "

"Isn't that the truth, " thought Mary as Mika continued

"Over the last several sessions we have finally managed to get to the bottom of what the issue is and today I got handed the diagnosis. It's one I wasnt ready for and I know you certainly arent."

"What ever it is we can work through it," said Mary blissfully ignorant of how badly blindsided she was about to be.

"I sincerly hope you are right," Mika began; continuing almost where he left off he started, "Dear, I love you and know of no other way to tell you how things happened today in therapy. I knew it was going to be an unusual session because Doc D. was there as well and this is the first time that he has been in on one of my couseling sessions." It was just then that he felt his emotions breaking and knew his voice wouldnt be far behind summoning up what were almost his last reserves of courage he continued, "I dont know how familiar you are with Gender Identiy Disorder but..."

Some how Mary sensed where he was going with this and cut him off. In fear, uncertainty and anger she began a monologue of her own, "IF YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU NEED TO BE, WANT TO BE OR SOMEHOW ARE A WOMAN THEN THAT WILL BE IT FOR US. I AM NOT LESBIAN, HAVE NO DESIRE TO LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AS ONE AND CERTAINLY DONT WANT TO KNOW THAT FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS YOU HAVE LIED TO ME. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A MAN AND TOLD ME WHEN WE MARRIED THAT YOU WOULD DEFEND, AND HONOR ME. HOW DOES THIS QUANTUM CHANGE FIT THE MARRIAGE VOWS YOU SPOKE THOSE YEARS AGO?"

This explosion was something that Mika was not ready for, and he knew that in many ways she was right or at least as she saw things she was. His counselor had told him that if this happened to let her vent and the give her some room and maybe over time he and Mary might be able to pick up the pieces.

Like a volcanic eruption this one was not yet over. Mary, hardly missing a beat or stopping for breath continued, "I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY MOTHER SHE KEPT TELLING ME THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING ODD ABOUT YOU, THAT YOU WEREN'T ALL THAT YOU SHOWED ON THE SURFACE. SHE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE RIGHT ON THESE THINGS. WHY DONT I LEAVE RIGHT NOW, OR THROW YOU OUT ON YOUR SORRY LESBIAN ARSE, I HAVE NO IDEA."

Mika sat there as her words like the blows of a hammer or the stab of a knife hurt him more and more to the point that he realy wondered why he bothered to do this and if there was going to be enough of him left to carry on, or if there was going to be enough of the relationship left to pick up the pieces of. He knew he couldn't take much more of this but also sensed that Mary was, or maybe it was wishful thinking that she, was just blowing off steam. He was also wondering why she got so hung up on this lesbian thing; all he could do was sit and take it until she finished, when ever that was going to be. Sitting there, and being torn to shreds the way he was did nothing for his equilibrium and he slowly started to cry. If Mary noticed she said nothing and, to his mind, callously continued with her destruction of everything Mika.

"I DONT KNOW AND REALLY DONT CARE WHERE YOU SLEEP, I HAVE NO DESIRE TO HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN IN BED WITH ME SO FIND SOME PLACE ELSE", she continued with her voice rising to a pitch that he had not heard before and carrying such vehemence and venom that it truly cut him to the core of his being, "UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN MY BEDROOM SO YOU'D BEST FIND A PLACE TO SLEEP AND HANG ALL OF THOSE CLOTHES OF YOURS SINCE I DONT WANT OR NEED THEM IN MY CLOSET TAKING UP ROOM THAT I MIGHT NEED."

With that she stormed off to the master bedroom and he could hear her, none too gently, pulling his stuff from the hangers. Slowly he got up from the chair he had sat, or more than likely collapsed, on and made his way to the guest room. This wasn't the way they, he and the counselor, had thought it might go. Mika had been ready to offer to move into the spare room but now there was no choice in the matter. It seemed like there was no choice in a lot of other matters as well. How was this going to play out, would they be able to salvage things he didnt know. What he did know was that he had to get used to being, as it felt to him, on the loosing end of a family feud.

The second slam of the bedroom door told him that his stuff was ready to be picked up. Slowly he headed down to what used to be their room to pick up his clothes. On top of the pile was a small box that he recognized instantly and its presence with his things hurt him worse than all of her words. It was the box that once held the rings he gave her twelve years ago, he knew that this was her way of saying she wanted out. It took him several trips but he finally got all of his clothes into the closet and put that small box here he wouldnt have to see it again. He laid down on the bed and cried like a baby, this had not gone at all the way he hoped and now not only was he in limbo with his life he didn't know if he would have his wife along side him for this journey.

Oh my......

There's a lot of "close to home" in this post, Joanna.....

The "I am NOT a lesbian" kinda hits me in the head as well as the deciet and lying parts.......

Well, no one said that this would be easy.......

I guess that instead of all of the pain and expense of transitioning...I should of just bought me an airplane!

Thanks ....

Donna Jean

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Oh my......

There's a lot of "close to home" in this post, Joanna.....

The "I am NOT a lesbian" kinda hits me in the head as well as the deciet and lying parts.......

Well, no one said that this would be easy.......

I guess that instead of all of the pain and expense of transitioning...I should of just bought me an airplane!

Thanks ....

Donna Jean

Dee Jay, i cried nearly all the way through that as i was writing it. Much of it was from my own situation so yeah... super close to home

[Guest skyy]

this is one of the saddest stories i've ever read, because i know i might as well be true. it is true for way too many people. i'm so sorry you guys have suffered like this. you didnt deserved to suffer through that. i wish i could do something to help

i supposes i'll have to settle for helping the future by getting our community in the public eye. hopefully we can reach out to the new transgender groups and help them come to grips with what they are before something like this happens. no one deserves to suffer like that.

just know that if they truely love you, they wouldnt hate you for something like this. they would feel sorry for you and want to help you through it, one was or another. there is no room for harsh words and hate in love.

love all of you guys.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Skyy unfortunately this story is all too common, many of us come home with what is the best and worst news that we could possibly have. Even though, over time, some SO's come around and decide to stay with their transioning partner far many more up and either leave or chuck the poor person out. Right when we need the love and support the most, it seems that it is removed from us by those who cant understand why it is we need to do this, and for those of us transitioning it is nearly impossible to explain.

It has taken my wife 6 months to come to this level of acceptance, and I realize that some SO's never get this far. My wife put this in a letter to her family, most of whom have disowned me,

"I realize that TG is a difficult concept to adjust to. I was extremely upset by the news at first. You might say horrified. I fell into a pretty deep hole and wasn't sure I could get back out even IF I had wanted to. I know I expressed this to you as well. I really didn't want to be around Joanna any more at first. I even thought it was a mid-life crisis thing that '***' was going through.

I would imagine you all are a bit confused by my 'acceptance' of Joanna and wonder if I've gone totally mad by remaining friends and roommates with her. Maybe I have. or maybe I always was. Part of the acceptance was the realization that I had nothing to do with this 'sudden' change. I had done nothing to cause this. It was already a part of the *** I knew.

Time has shown me that Joanna is a calmer person, she is more considerate than *** was and she helps me for givingly than previously. I'm not sure I can explain it, but I have learned that she and I can live together peacefully and in doing so also help each other. I can help her adjust to her new womanhood. She helps me get around and around the house as I can no longer do all that I once could.

Yes, we are still married, and may remain married. It will be better financially if we do remain married, and we may just do that. We do plan on remaining roommates and helping each other."

I am glad that she has got this far and I am truly wondering how far this wonderful experience can continue. I know I have been down recently but that has little to do with what is happening at home. It is more me allowing my emotions a freedom that they have never had and me dealing with 50 years of stuffing, ignoring and just trying to ignore the pain and do what society wanted.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

just know that if they truely love you, they wouldnt hate you for something like this. they would feel sorry for you and want to help you through it, one was or another. there is no room for harsh words and hate in love.

love all of you guys.

Not sure that I can explain this because I am not sure I understand it myself, but through all the recriminations, anger, frustration and confusion many of our spouses still love us. I dont know how they can, or why they do but given space and time they may come around to accepting us.

[Guest skyy]

i cant even imagine what 50 years of release must feel like. but this letter helps me feel a lot better. i'm glad you are adjusting well, and i wish you the best of luck coming to grips with the ball of repressed feelings. good luck to you, and i hope that a would of happiness waits for you on the other side.

and about the other comment, i meant it as the end of all things. of course people need time to adjust. i was only referring to those who wouldnt even try to deal with it. this wasnt a reference to anyone's relationship on this site, because i dont know the details about them. it was just my opinion of those who abandon forever those they primiced to be with through better or worse. please dont take my comment as directed at anyone specific. i am speaking only in generallity. i'm glad to know that some do try to work through it. working through horror and misunderstanding that would send anyone else running for the hills really speaks of love i think. to keep trying, against all fear, to understand takes great courage, and great love.

sorry if i'm confusing. i'm sick. i hope i didnt offend anyone

[Guest Donna Jean]

I think that whatever we feel about ourselves in this whole thing...we must remember that our spouse is

in a grieving process...they are losing the person that they married and don't recognize who is replacing them...

We are driven to do what we do, but we can't demand understanding and immediate acceptance...this is all VERY hard...

I belong to another group made up of older TG folks...and many are post-op and have the same spouse that they started out

with. But, none of it was easy...it took work and effort on both parts to make it succeed.

I think that sharing a Gender therapist is a good idea for married couples that are having trouble getting past this...

And most importantly....TIME....

It takes time!

I notice on posts like this that so many issues are common across the board...we're all having

similar issues...

It's not an easy thing to do ...and equally hard on a spouse....

Love

Donna Jean

[Guest angie]

Ummmm,

Sounds almost exactly like my coming out conversation with my ex.

We were sitting in Red Lobster,lunch had just been ordered.When I

told her of this driving need I have to become a woman.Her reaction

I didn't and couldn't plan on.Said at the top of her disbelieving and

very angry voice,"You want to be a woman?Grow boobs and change

your Name???? Are you F...n nuts to take me to lunch to tell me something

like that?" then she stormed out of the place,leaving a very embarrassed me

still sitting in the booth.Hmmmm not the most auspicious of beginings now was it?

My true story sounds a lot like your work of fiction Joanna.

Angie