What Have I Become

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

What have i become

a shadow of what once was

what have i become

not sleeping there any more

what have i become

that she whats nothing to do with me

what have i become

she says she laughs to herself when I pass by

What have I become

this house once a home

where once love did flow

where she and I lived and loved

what have i become

now a thing of ridicule

a thing of hate

a object of her scorn

can't she understand

won't she understand

that I didnt chose this

that if I dont do this i'll be dead

on top of her scorn

on top of her ridicule

there are others who laugh

there are others who are cruel

I'll die if I dont

I might die if I do

this trail is not easy

scared am I to begin

there is no way back

no way forward it seems

if she wont come with me

then alone again i must go

one foot in front of the other

into the blackness

one foot in front of the other

on a journey to where i'm not sure

[Carolyn Marie]

Joanna, your pain runs very deep. I feel it and I'm sorry that it is the way it is.

What you are trying to become is the woman you are.

What you are trying to become is the woman I hope to be someday too.

What you are trying to become is the person you were meant to be.

You will get there, my friend. You are strong and will survive.

Have faith that you will become the woman you are.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I am on my way to that end Carolyn, but these dark and depressing opusses are part of my way of working out all of the pain that I have experienced over my life and trying to figure out why my wife decided to stay with me. I am sure that there have been many times where I didnt deserve that honour from her.

[Sally]

Janna,

I do not know your wife but I do believe that the wives who decide to stay or at least try to stay, not all make it, are truly special people and they still see something in us that they feel is worth staying with no matter the costs.

My wife did not care so she listened to her sisters and left, I have been told by a friend who has seen her says that she is looking very old only a year after splitting up.

You can never understand fully why she is staying just as she can never fully understand why you must change in order to live.

All you can do is to treat her with all of the love and compassion that you can, she deserves it.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Many of the pieces that I will write in the coming days and months are more historical in POV since they are the beginnigs of me working out my inner demons. They are likely to be quite dark, depressing and for some triggering but this is something I must do if I am to come into completeness as the woman I know I am. My wife, bless her, has decided to stay with me and now we begin to work out just how things will look in the future as i try my best to sort out the past.