Jennifer's Heart

[Guest Jennifer T]

This is where I started. I think this is where I'll end. Please, any who read, forgive the resurrection. But I did not want to start a new thread or write in the general forum.

Yesterday, while listening to some beautiful music, I cried for what seemed hours as my heart felt it might burst at the beauty of what I was hearing! I've no words to describe what I feel; what is in my heart. But the longing; the desire and passion to create such beauty of my own for others to see and hear; to share with the world, consumes me.

I had Chinese cuisine for dinner last night. We always enjoy reading the fortunes which are usually pretty generic; often vague. Mine last night, however, read "you'll have a new adventure this weekend." It gave me pause.

Lord Alfred Tennyson must have understood something of my heart two centuries ago when he penned. "The Lady of Shalott".

In this day, Jennifer is that Lady.

"She left the web, she left the loom,

She made three paces thro’ the room,

She saw the water-lily bloom,

She saw the helmet and the plume,

She look’d down to Camelot.

Out flew the web and floated wide;

The mirror crack’d from side to side;

“The curse is come upon me,” cried

The Lady of Shalott. "

So her fate is sealed; her future revealed. When the boat arrives at Camelot, maybe someone will note "she has a lovely face."

Peace to you all. I wish you great beauty in your journeys.

Jennifer.

[Jennifer T]

Three years ago I made that last post. Eight years ago I started posting here.  Time...

I've been told by my therapist and others that once you open this Pandora's box, you can't really close it again.  There is some truth to that, but time does help calm the commotion stirred up because of said opening.

The revealing of 'Jennifer' cost me far more than I think I was willing to give. I lost several friendships that were very important to me. I lost some respect from my wife and son. 

Others who knew still don't know how to reconcile the "T" and "Jennifer".

But the waters of time are washing away the mess I made and "T" is in control.  I listened to something on the radio this morning that made me ache once again to let "Jennifer" be, but I brought the feelings back and pushed them deep.

Too much to ask of anyone. She is a dream; a ghost that must sleep.

Peace

[Jennifer T]

I don't get it.  I feel like fate is out to get me. 

Everything was going along mostly ok. I was controlling this. I wrote that last post having just come from a vacation with my wife which was honestly probably the best vacation I've ever had. 

This Tuesday, someone made a negative post on fb about Trans folks and Christianity. It went through me; angered me and I responded. Yet, I am not out.

Then a discussion ensued with a friend who does know, and the whole mess came crashing in on me again. And I was embarrassed, ashamed, angry and then supremely depressed. I haven't spoken to anyone at work in three days short of supplying a one or two  word response  to a direct question. I wrapped myself in a black fog that I have not been able to shed. I've listened to Linda Perry's "Letter to God" a gazillion times over the past three days. It's become my own prayer. 

My wife is hurt because I won't talk with her about it. 

Three days of silence and depression and alcohol. 

I was supposed to go to a retirement party for a friend Wednesday. I didnt. I couldnt.

I can't see the end of this. 

-expletive-.

 

[VickySGV]

Poop happens, and it is not aimed really at you.  Dysphoria is a single stress which adds to other stress and there goes a bout of depression that can lead to withdrawal as a coping tool.  You mention one of the least effective sources of depression medication there really is, and I am asking you to stop the alcohol because it actually adds additional stress to your whole life system.   Since you have therapist, I would call them on the double and they can help your doctor prescribe some helpful medication to take the edge off the stress so you can work on it with them.

Dysphoria and religious antagonism can be murder, and it sounds like you may have done the right thing by just getting away from the other person.  You will NEVER win a fight with a Fundy no matter what you have discerned about your particular faith and no matter how many Bibles you can throw at them.Turning around and reciting The Serenity Prayer three times, and just walking away with purpose ends things nicely in my experience, in fact very nicely.  He cannot damn your soul, nor can you save his, and wringing his neck will be only a short lived pleasure.  We have the religion Forums here, go load them up.  If I remember correctly, I have used them that way more than once.  I am both Christian and Shamanic with a touch of Celtic in the mix.

I attended a professional conference the last two days.  During one of the sessions the presenter did a physical exercise with the group, that in 27 question separated the Cis from the Trans participants by the 25' width of the room.  The questions would have "yes" answers by the  non-trans folk and a "no" answer from the Trans* folks. If your answer to the question was "yes" you took a step toward the other wall, if the answer was no, you did not move,  The room had 50+ people in it, I and the presenter and one other person had our back ends plastered on the wall where the question march had started.  One Queer Lesbian was about 1/3 of the way across the room, she had somewhat fewer concerns that the Trans* folks, but still did not feel as safe as the cis-het folks. The eye opener was that some of the folks on the North wall were some of the Professional's that we Trans* folks rely on.  Lesson to be learned is that even our best allies and caregivers do not have the investment in this Trans* thing that we do.  I am not the silent type on this type of thing, so I was pretty hoarse from wagging my chin at people, even where it was the presenter that was off the base.  

As far as your wife goes, the best thing I can thinks of is actually tell her that you are working on something, and as much as you love her you cannot talk to her.  Give her hugs and cuddles as  you can, but do not be ashamed to feel you cannot talk just now.  I am glad you came out to us here, we do speak and translate Trans*.  Let your wife know that you are safe, you just need to run the internal trash compactor for a bit, and if she grins at that you will be on the mend to her.

[DenimAndLace]

I feel for you Jennifer.  Being in a spot where you can't truly be yourself and having no one to talk to about it is a veritable [insert proverbial place of fire and brimstone].  I've been called strong many times for transitioning but the strongest among us are those who cannot transition and somehow still survive.  My thoughts are with you and all like you.

Ya'all do what ya want but IMHO, Facebook is NOT a good place for us!  I wonder what percentage of times Facebook has been mentioned in these forums followed by something negative.  If you must however, I recommend downsizing your friend list to the 10-20 people who you actually talk to and know to be your advocates.  One of my "rules for FB friendship" is if I haven't shared a meal with you in the past year, you can't be my friend.

I like what Vicki said about "Fundy's".  They can't damn your soul and you can't save theirs ...or change their minds.  Uggg!  I know - I used to be one.  God / universe, please forgive me.

 

[Jennifer T]

Thank you @VickySGV @DenimAndLace for your replies. 

Reading your responses and having a conversation with my wife this morning (unrelated), I had an epiphany of sorts.

I owe everyone here a huge apology. 

Last year my wife and I took a week long bikepacking trip with a group of folks. One of them was completely inexperienced with this type of adventure and in the weeks and months leading up to the event, she had tons of questions and I offered the best advice I could based  on my own experience.  I knew the trip and what it took, knew what she should reasonably expect to accomplish daily and what she most likely couldn't do.  With each question of hers that I answered, she would refute my advice or explain how she knew better. 

Needless to say, the trip was hard on her.  She had several 'meltdowns' along the way and at one point near the end we had to literally rescue her. 

She learned a lot.

My wife and I were talking about this trip this morning and I told her that during the trip I didn't typically offer this person help, but would assist her when she asked. My reasoning was that it was difficult for me to just simply step in and help when she refuted all my advice up front. 

(Side note, I dud help her a lot. It's not my nature to simply stand by.)

It hit me hard as I said those words to my wife. 

All of you have taken this trip. All of you, especially those of you who've been living transitioned for years, know the journey; know the pitfalls, the struggles, the ways out, etc.

Since I came here, I've posted my struggles and I've received lots of advice. And it would seem I've refuted that advice over and over again. 

I cannot expect anything when I couldn't heed any advice.

You have my sincerest apologies. I've been a jerk.

 

[Jennifer T]

@VickySGV, what kinds of questions were asked during that exercise at your conference? And what type of conference was it?

[Jennifer T]

@DenimAndLace, thankfully you are correct. No human can damn my soul. Or yours.  

 

[SugarMagnolia]

It doesn't sound to me like you've been a jerk, Jen. Rather, that you just weren't quite ready. 

I've spent a lot of time beating myself up over things I wish I'd done differently and the beatings have never solved a single problem for me. 

Be encouraged and hopeful about being open to things today, and try to look forward. You've just allowed yourself to contemplate ideas that you previously rejected. I think that's amazing and wonderful and that you should celebrate yourself for being able to do that. :-)
 

~Julie

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Jennifer T said:

what kinds of questions were asked during that exercise at your conference? And what type of conference was it?

The conference was for health care providers, teachers and business professionals with contact in the Transgender community with the presenters being recognized leaders of groups that provide those services.  There was also a good number of Parents-turned-activists of Trans* children who were telling others how they had gotten better community support in all forms in their communities.

Here are a few of the questions in the activity --

You do not have to think about how another person will see you in a public place.
You do not have fear when a group of people gather around you and look at you.
You do not have to worry that your right name will be called out in your doctors office.,
You do not have to think your voice will sound unnatural to others.
You do not have to sneak out of your house for fear your neighbors will see you.
You do not have to fear an approaching police office on the street
You do  not worry about being told to go to a different restroom than the one that matches your dress.
You do not have to walk long distances to find a special rest room for "your type".
You do not have to worry about being asked to leave a clothing section in a store,
You do not have to worry about being refused at a homeless or emergency shelter for your target gender
>>>>>

Those are just a few of the questions asked in our exercise (I have about 1/3 of them here) and of course Cis Gender people do not worry or have to think about those kinds of things. The issues in there showed that Trans* and Cis folks are literally on opposite sides of the room in many ways.    My point was that your friend to whom you are out has not way of completely relating to you, in more ways than these, and that can make them want to give help, but it will be difficult, and "forgive them, they know not what they do".

[Jennifer T]

14 hours ago, VickySGV said:

 My point was that your friend to whom you are out has not way of completely relating to you, in more ways than these, and that can make them want to give help, but it will be difficult, and "forgive them, they know not what they do".

Yeah, I get that. Honestly in this instance, she entered the duscussion with me, and because I don't discuss this tg thing with anyone anymore, the floodgates started to burst and I shared more than I should have, felt really embarrassed, realized how deep all this goes and then used old coping technigues to back away from her and shut it all down. I hurt her in this instance, not the other way around.

I hope she can forgive me, even when I do know what I do...

 

[Guest Laura Beth]

It sounds to me that she saw that you needed to talk and was willing to listen. I have learned that a person can't keep very thing bottled up inside no matter what it is. Not talking about your tg thing with someone on a regular basis, I find will make it where you will share more than you want. If your friend is supportive of you then they will understand to certain extent that you need to talk and may open up. To me it sounds like the two of you are really good friends and trust one another so you felt comfortable talking and that is why you had the floodgates open up and shared more.

[Jennifer T]

Can't seem to break out of this funk...

[MarcieMarie12]

Jenny,

I'm sorry that your are still in a funk, and wish I could help. But I know for myself, there were things I had to do regardless of how others would react. Denying my gender identity was not an option for me once I realized what that was doing to me. On the one hand I transition and possibly lose my family spouse, and friends. On the other, I don't and they will most assuredly lose me.

PS:Does this help? 

[Jennifer T]

Thank you @MarcieMarie12

[Jennifer T]

Hello.  Something happened yesterday that has left me left me a little bewildered. Not sure what to think.

 

Backdrop - as mentioned some time before, I've decided living as 'T' really is my only option and so I've been embracing that.  I've gotten back into combat sports and even enrolled in a new martial art system. I've purged most things from my life that would indicate that 'Jennifer' existed. Speak with no one about any of it at all. 

 

Driving to work yesterday, two things happened about 10 - 15 minutes apart. First, and I don't think I can explain this adequately, everything was normal. I was on the interstate and contemplating the day ahead of me, work, upcoming vacation, etc. Suddenly I could *see*, for lack of a better expression, 'Jennifer' superimposed over 'T'. It was as if through my eyes I was seeing the world; experiencing through both. I was both images, but they were sort of fading in and out. And I wasn't seeing this from a third person point of view, but rather through my eyes looking outward I 'knew' who was sitting at the wheel. This is difficult to put in words.  And here's the bigger confusion for me, she, 'Jennifer' was a 50 something year old woman. I felt the world through her as the age I am now. I have always known and protected her as a child. She never grew up. When I locked her away in my heart all those  years ago, she remained ageless. 

 

But sitting in that driver seat, I was her; experiencing, seeing the world as a woman with a lifetime of experience. 

 

This lasted maybe a minute. Then it was gone. But it seemed, as often dreams do, to have taken more time than it actually did.

 

Second, now driving on a stretch of a two lane highway, a line of vehicles was approaching from the opposite direction. As they neared and passed, the thought "there are so many different lives behind the wheels of these vehicles"  entered my mind and I was momentarily overwhelmed with a plethora of other people's emotions; jumbled with mixed images, and it hurt. Tears came to my eyes. And while there wasn't one distinct thread that stood out, the feeling of sadness and hurt were palpable and I saw the images in my mind's eye of a man and a woman, separate lives, whose situations seemed bleak. And they were gone. I felt their pain. This left me shaken.

 

What the hell?

[BrandiBri]

Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to me that Jennifer is now willing to to without a fight. After all she's been apart of you all your life. I also see, by the second part of your experience, that you are a very compassionate person and that compassion came through on that highway big time. Follow you heart, it knows where you need to be. 

 

Best of wishes,

 

Brandi

[BrandiBri]

I meant not willing to go with out a fight.

 

Brandi

[jae bear]

 Wow, I do a lot of thinking on the road myself, and vehicles have always been a large part of my identity, sometimes to hide and sometimes to feel free. I drove my diesel crew cab long bed F250 for a long time, wearing it as nothing but a mask, the bearded driver never showing anything from underneath. And one day the girl inside took over and sold that truck,  and even though some small part of me was sad to see my wonderful truck gone, the new minivan she thought was pretty darn comfortable, and she keeps it nice and clean, she’s quite tidy. I often feel overwhelmed by the idea of other peoples emotions and experiences, so I can very much sympathize with your road experience. I don’t think it’s healthy to deny yourself and crawl back into T,  clearly your true self is going to break that shell, you may not have full control over that as I certainly did not either. But one thing I’ve learned is it’s  never wise to trap that girl, you let her out for a little while and you see what happened, she Broke out and caught up to you and is no longer the ageless Secret you held in your mind, she does have a will of her own and as Brandy said “she’s not willing to give up without a fight.” I myself have my own distinct images of myself and while I might just be a little lilac she Bunny, that little lilac Bunny is a very powerful girl, she keeps tearing up my bear suit, so there’s less and less of it, the more I try to hold together the old bear,  the more she claws it up and tears pieces off it! so at some point down.the road that little lilac bunny is going to have everything she wants, and I’m perfectly willing to let her have it. Personally I think living as T will only get you so far, and the one thing I’ve learned is that I truly wish I had let the bunny loose year’s ago and not continued waiting, it’s something I regret a lot.

Big squishy hug,

Jae

[Jennifer T]

Two days ago, something happened that caused it all to crash back in on me. I know I can't discern anyone's true intent, but what I percieved is what brought me low. Amd I can't shake this funk I'm in. :-(

 

This morning the thought crossed my mind that what if I'd just gone ahead and began transition 9 years ago when I came out to my wife? What if I'd just said to hell with it all and started down that road that would have ended this charade?

 

Or what if I'd just pulled the trigger and ended life all together? Surely, either way would have ended this elephant that fills every room I ever enter? Surely it would be better for any who know me, right?

 

Yet, I can't know that either.  Grrrrrr...

 

BTW, @jae bear and @BrandiBri, thank you for the last responses. I did read them when you replied and chewed on them for a long time.

 

I lay in bed last night and cried. The world would be better off without me in it. Someday, this will all be over and I'll no longer be a thorn for anyone. 

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Jennifer,

 

It's good to cry. You are being more open with your feelings. Let it all out. You can get over your funk! We all think about 'what ifs' at times. It's all part of life and learning. Try to look more toward the future. Try to live more as you feel. Laying in your bed and crying is your body helping you get over your current plight so that you can do that. You will survive and be happy!

 

Tracy

[jae bear]

Hi Jennifer ,

 Please do not despair, I do completely understand the way that you feel, as I did the nine year wait three times in a row. Sadly I lost my best friend from high school when we were in college, for much the same reason, it was nothing but a waste of life, he could’ve gone on and he could’ve had everything he wanted.  As impatient as I am, there have been lots of changes since the last post I left you, and if I think about it they’re really quite amazing. One of the best things I’ve done for myself is finding a wonderful therapist, in fact I now have two as one is provided by my insurance policy and one I pay out-of-pocket because he so amazing.  My wife is coming to accept and understand the things that have been going on, I have come out to some family, some friends and at work, and this has eased my pain an enormous amount even if it was difficult to do. I’m starting to feel a little better in my own skin every day now, and I think you could too if you allowed yourself a little freedom and self-love. Your funk will pass, your happiness and future awaits you, and a different person in your mirror would really like to see you and make sure you’re OK, she cares a great deal and would like to see you be happy.

Hugs,

Jae

[Kirsten]

Hey Jennifer,

i am sorry you have been having a difficult time. It can be rough at times. But know that we have all gone through some level of this in our time. Finding ones self can be a very difficult thing. But it can also be wonderful depending on how you look at it. 

Like Jae said, that different person in your mirror does want to see you! Maybe let her a little more?! 

You know one big thing I have learned over the last few months is to just be yourself. If you stay true to yourself, and to those people in your life things will work out. Maybe not exactly how you think they will, but still it will all work out. It’s not about transitioning or dressing a certain way, or any of that. It’s just about being you. When you figure out who you are it’ll get easier. And all that other stuff will just happen how it’s supposed to. 

Stay strong 

????Kirsten

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jennifer,

I've spent so many years burrying Carla in a cage deep within, hiding from her actually. Every time she hopped out, I'd throw her back in  her cage and call her a perversion. 

 

I could allow nobody to learn of her. I denied her myself. I had gone through hell during my school years and I sure wasn't going to go through that again. I decided that society was right about transgender people and made myself a transphobe to hold Carla down, and to prove to the world and more to myself that I was a real man. No, I didn't afront anyone to their face, just behind there back.

 

Finally, the day came when Carla got out of her cage and would not be thrown back in again. She  stronger than me. I was terrified about what would happen next. I could no longer deny who I was. I didn't understand it. I didn't know why. That girl I had so longed to be when I was younger, and then tried so hard to hide away later was still here. The thought of being trans in this world terrified me. What other people would think, how they would react. I felt like the freak society had taught me I would be.

 

I have since come  to the realisation that I am not a freak. I am ok. I am Carla, and I  am ok. Sure, there are times I wish I could just be cisgender, and not have  buck society. But even if I could stuff Carla back in that cage, she wouldn't stay. It's because Carla is who I am. Yes, there's fear and trepidation about facing the world as Carla in this male born body. But there is also a new peace with myself now that I'm no longer fighting Carla and holding her prisoner.

 

There is no denying it would be easier if we could just be cis. But I've learned through life  I can not keep fighting myself. Fighting Carla is fighting myself. The only avenue to peace with myself is acceptance of myself. I'm  Carla whether I like it or not. So I may  well like it!

 

I hope you may find a little meaning in this for your own journey.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[BrandiBri]

Jennifer,

I agree with everything that both Jae and Kirsten have stated above. As Jae stated, a good therapist would be able to help you to define who you really are, find the path you ultimately want to take in your life, and more importantly, find the peace of mind that you are seeking.

3 hours ago, Jennifer T said:

The world would be better off without me in it.

Jennifer, you a unique person, and the world is all the better for it. You are an important and special person.I strongly disagree that the world would be better off without you.You are special, and I feel everyone here would agree.

 

41 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

It can be rough at times.

Finding one's true self is a rough road to travel, but so is life in general. My philosophy is to take the lumps along the way, just as to enjoy the smooth pathway. I hope this makes sense.

 

Hugs,

Brandi