The Good Lessons We Must Learn From Bad Experiences

[Guest Jean Davis]

There has been and always will be bad experiences/events we will incounter in life. We have all experienced them, some we share and some are unique to the individual. It is how we understand, overcome, cope and learn from these events that make us special and important to a society. Here at Laura's we all do a wonderful job of with our transgender problems but sometimes fail to take the same outlook at other problems. Sometimes the pain of an event hits us so hard we tend to lash out at people we figure are responsible for our pain. And at the time this is perfectly normal and understandable, the problem comes in when we hold on to those feelings for a long time. When that happens we can not learn from the experience and stop growing as an individual which hinders our standing in a society. It is important to understand that every event that happens in our lives that we are at the very least partially responsible for. Only when we accept the fact that there were things that we could have done to prevent or improve that situation can we move forward and grow and learn as and individual. The question now would be if we are going to try to learn from a certain situation and find some way to improve it?

Even in the event of a death of a loved one we hold regrets and can learn. Granted we are not responsible for their death but the regrets of not telling a loved one that you love them or not spending enough time with them can often times haunt a person for years to come. If we don't realize that the responsibility was ours to spend that time or say those words and no one elses responsibility, we will do the same mistake over and over. Anytime a lesson is not learned from an experience it holds us back from reaching our full potential and happiness.

The above is an example of an event in my life that I struggle with a lot in life and has held me back for many years. Just for the fact that I did not take the responsibility to understand what I was feeling and why. For a long time all I could do is to blame people for what I was feeling. First it was the doctors for letting her die, then it was my parents for not calling me before she died and I even blamed my own grandmother for not telling me or wanting me there before passing. But I know now that I was the one to blame and only me, I had the time to spend with her and knew the words to say but I didn't. That mistake won't happen again.

Now I did not bring this up for sympathy so please don't reply to my experience. I only brought it up as an example, what I would like to see is an example of your own.

PLEASE lets keep this on an ADULT level, NO NAMES. And if you find an experience that resembles an experience you have just went through just try to understand what the poster is going through and DO NOT REPLY TO ANY POSTS.

THIS IS MEANT AS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE! If it is kept at an ADULT LEVEL you will get to see a very special part of some of our family members and perhaps learn something about them.

If not I will have this CLOSED and a very special event will be lost. Remember we may be reading some persons inner most feelings and we should treat them with respect. Treat their posts as you would like yours treated.

LUV

Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I have had two people in my family commit suicide. I know directly, the pain, the loss, the helplessness of how one feels after the event. I have carried for many years after my brother's suicide, the guilt of wondering if I could have said or done something to have prevented his suicide. Tragically, my biological father just recently committed suicide. Forever gone is the possibility to have gotton to know him better.

Ultimately, I realized that my brother's death was not my fault. I am not to blame. I was always there for my brother. He took his own life, and there was in reality nothing I could have ever done about it.

My biological father's death brought my mom, dad (step dad), sister, and myself closer than ever before. Many years of layers of non-communication broke down. I came out to them then too.

If I have learned nothing else from all of this, is the fragility of life. The importance of love.

What being human really means.

Brenda

[Guest nova]

Ok, I really didn't want to put this out there, but I think maybe you are psychic, Jean. My father passed away this past Sunday. When I got the news, I could not stop crying, despite the fact that I ended up extremely traumatized from his 'reparative' nurturing. I was told by my mother earlier this year that he was dying of cancer, and she told me where he was living. I tried to reach out to him, I wrote letters telling him I loved him and was thinking of him. he never answered, in fact, he hadn't spoke to me in in over 10 years. After I finished crying, I was overwhelmed with all the pain that got dredged up, and I became angry thinking that he never shed a tear over me . . . and I felt resentment at learning I was not welcome at the memorial service. (He was a navy vet and is being buried in a VA cemetery). I was dumping all this on my mother on the phone, and then I realized, it's not about me. I took a long time to get past my 'past', so to speak, and here I was trying to feel sorry for myself. When I was growing up, they used to say when you die, god will reveal all the mysteries to you. So, I know that he knows I love him and I know that he now understands who I am.

[Guest Mr.Yoav]

My father died of a heart attack when I was one. I never really got to know him.

I always felt so left out of having a normal life, without a father and being confused over my own identity. It's hard, going through the death of someone you didn't know while still trying to find yourself.

I always wondered what life would be like if I did know my father. Would I be any happier? Would I feel slightly more complete? I don't know. Sometimes I think it's stupid to waste time wanting things that I will never have back.

But then I remember the quote "Having is not so pleasing an emotion as wanting"

Whenever people say they hate their parents, I always wonder about them , if they really mean it, because where would they be if their parents were gone?

[Guest ricka]

Grief is a natural emotion as are all of our emotions---our emotional response to loss. Grief teaches us what is important in life and what is not, if we are willing to listen. Grief comes in waves and sometimes those waves are so powerful they knock us over and leave us breathless. Grief is so often the huge hole we feel inside that is both unbareably painful and terrifying and that we frantically seek to fill---often with things that are unhealthy and destructive for us. Grief is only, after all an evitable part of life and ultimately it teaches us to value each moment we take in a breath.

ricka

[Guest Crow]

My biological mother and I have never met but I have always heard of her. My dad never liked to talk about her when I was younger but he did let me watch the video of my first birthday which included her in it. As I grew older, I would always keep close to me the toy my dad said she gave me as a baby and even though she left when I was a baby, I always thought she had a reason. I always thought she would come and we would be one happy family.

When my Mom married my Dad, I was actually happy to have more family members and although I didn't like my brother, I had already included them both in my family. However, they were always just a part of the family, never 'mom' or 'brother'. My biological mother was important to me and I had an ideal image of her. But these things never last...

When I was twelve, my birth mother called for the first time when I was home. She isn't suppose to contact my family, she never went to court for custody rights. I don't remember whether I answered or not... I think I supressed that... All I know is that my Mom had the phone afterwards and was yelling into the phone at my birth mother. I was crying heavily at it, never having liked yelling of any sort and feeling terrible. I went to my room and a couple hours later my parents called me down.

At that point, my mom broke the perfect image I held about my birth mother. She explained how my B.M. never paid child support and wasn't suppose to call me. About how my bio mom never sent a single birthday card or gift. However, the main thing that hurt was when I was told that my mom had been insulted. She had been outright verbally abused by my bio mom where she was called the enemy and blame was put on her. That had been what made the image completely shatter. Family is important to me and everyone in my extended family. My bio mom had insulted both my mom and dad. She could not be my ideal parent.

That night I broke. My mom doesn't know but my dad does that the event gave me darkness. It was what took me from being a child to a teenager. When before I couldn't even hurt a person in a video game, I could. I started roleplaying and joined a darker roleplay.

That experience was horrible but I had gained something from it. Not pessimism, because that I never got. In fact, I have talked to my birth mother and gotten the whole story as to why she left. I understand now... No, I managed to understand as time went on that it was my birth mother's fault and maybe my mom's for not being gentle enough. I am not to blame for how either adult acted. The only thing I am responsible and that I have to deal with time and time again is my own actions.

This has been enforced time and time again. When I was bullied in tenth grade by a girl who my friend wanted me to befriend. It was her, the bully's, fault she was so verbally abusive to me for no reason. It is my fault, however, for being verbally aggressive back at her. It had stopped the bulling after she had brought me to the ground by my hair but there are always better ways to do this.

((Mom = stepmom and Bio mom is my biological mother))