Setting Self Up For Trouble

[Guest AlexanderG]

I feel I'm aptly setting myself up for trouble. The more I think about the whole 'thing' - transgenderism, transitioning, who I think to be, et cetera - the farther I'm stepping away from the safety of neverminding. If looking at myself in the mirror makes me remember, realize I don't just dislike my breasts but feel they're out of place, that means that from now on I'm even more conscious about them being there, and chances of my setting it aside and going 'oh well, nothing to be done' ... slimming. & then half the time I wish I hadn't become aware, hadn't started. I was doing fine.

Just now I watched a Dutch TV show in which they explained the surgeries. And, like the guy whom it was about said, you have to chose between having a micropenis that functions (sexually) or a regular-sized penis that leaves you with horrible scars and does not function sexually. So either way, you don't get what you really want (or at least - I wouldn't). I'm an all-or-nothing person. So, with all that... hugeness of stuff & no way to get it my way all the way, I tend to go 'nevermind, pull back, that's not what I really need - it's not that I'm going to kill myself as the only other option.'

But I know. I know that I resent being called 'ma'am' more and more, and I know I enjoy being mistaken for a guy beyond reason, and I know that I can't wait to get a binder so that my chest'll at least look flat, and how inspired and looking-forward-to I feel when taking a look at those post-op top surgery pics. I know ----

but what do I know?

God, I just wish I'd never thought of this. That I'd never stepped in front of that mirror - because somehow I feel that's when it became tangible and 'real' - when that thought 'my breasts don't belong there' occurred to me.

I wish that I could tell myself, here and now, that - dude. None of this is real - you're making it up, seeing things not there. You're. Just. A. Non-Conforming. Woman. None of this is real.

And that I would then believe myself.

I already am in trouble ain't I.

[Carolyn Marie]

Alexander, your feelings are quite normal for those of us TS. You feel like nothing happens fast enough; you feel like you're disconnected

from your body and your true self, and you don't know how to make the connections you feel are vital to your happiness.

Give it time, Hon. You will get to where you want to be, even if it takes longer than you want it to.

We all, every one of us, looks in the mirror and sees someone other than the person they want to be. I do, Momma Sally does,

everyone does. You are not alone in that. I have imagined for years the me I wanted to be, someone who looks like the girls in

the fashion catalogues, or the young professional women I see walking down the street. Well, I'm never going to be them, but I

have come to terms with that, and will be satisfied looking like the middle aged woman that I am, with all my faults. But that's OK,

because I'll still be a woman, and the best woman I can be. You can be the man you want to be just as much. Have patience,

be realistic in your expectations, and it will all be yours.

If you don't believe me, read Zabrak's posts or PM him. He has found acceptance as a man, and is doing all right. He'll tell you it is possible.

Believe in yourself Alexander. That is the key to all of it.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest amie]

I can relate to this to a great extent. In fact, I'm going down through yet another one of those daunting valleys right now. And much like before and every other time I've tried to convince myself I can deal with myself as is, I come up short, despite some of the things I will do or say to try and extenuate the severity of the depressing reality.

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel stumped in terms of what direction to take this, if one at all.

I reckon if I choose to remain this way at least I'm familiar with the type of pain involved. This has no consolation value, mind you, but at least I know for the most part what to expect in terms my thoughts and sometimes tempestuous emotional results that stem from such.

On the other hand I, much like yourself from the read of it, hate the thought of making advancements in a direction like this only to take it part way and knowing I'm never gonna be satisfied with that.

And at some point through the journey I'd surely meet others in the community that had the means, financial and otherwise, to take it the distance and I'd be tantalized by it. The frustration would eat on me. And trust me, I'm a very actualized person and I'll be the first to stand up and say that envy is a very pathetic emotion. Right here! Guilty as all hell on that one. Boo!

Anywho, maybe I should just end here by saying, you're not alone, and that each day can bring something new to your life, even a new perspective on the matter that could serve to help you make the necessary adjustments to survive and do so comfortably.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Ghods can I relate to wanting it all and wanting it now. That is how I was right after diagnosis, my team couldnt have moved fast enough for me if they had give me all of my letters all at once (thankfully they were not going to be that stupid). It finally took my wife sitting me down and telling me quite bluntly that if I didnt let my team do their jobs I would not get to do anything as far as my transition went.

My attitude now is keep your eyes on the prize but take one step at a time

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi honey

I see you have gotten some really good advice.

I was just wondering if you have seen this topic of Evan's

New SRS Surgeon for those of you who like to Travel

LUV

Jean

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thanks everyone! Did & does me good to read your responses, truly does.