Hazards Of The Journey #7--the Spouse/so

[Guest yvonne]

Hello my special family,

I'm fairly new here and am 62 years old, about a year into my own self-acceptance.

Had my first therapy session a few days ago and my GT said I was an easy diagnosis--For sure GID, hands down, no further questions, Your Honor.

I'd have gotten my "Letter" on the spot, but the Dr. she was using for referrals has retired and she needed to find another one and would proceed on the project immediately. So, HRT is imminent. Wow. I've made a personal commitment to her for the standard 3 mo. (12 sessions) of therapy, which I expect to be painful, joyful and fulfilling.

The dilemma I'd like to get some input on is my beloved spouse. Neither of us has ever been interested in sex and we haven't had any for decades, which suits us both fine. We're perfect match and our love is extremely deep. I mean, like very few couples you'll ever meet. I told my wife on our 3rd date that I was a cross dresser, she said it was no big deal and she's been extremely supportive all these years.

I came out to her in the last month and she's fine with me dressing in the house every moment I'm home. I mean she has no issues with this at all.

Now, the problem: She's terribly worried that the HRT will change me to the point that I'll become interested in another transgirl or men and she'll be out in the cold. She said she's too old for this risk and alternates between looking for a suitcase so she can leave and helping me find the right panties to wear and buying them for me.

There is no reassurance I can give her that works, because she says the HRT will totally change my personality and *I* don't even understand who I'll become. I can't disagree too much.

It's not important to me that I grow a pair of DDs, nor do I ever desire surgery. I might be interested in an orchi, because I believe I'm a victim of testosterone poisoning. (I don't even like typing the word).

I'm very comfortable presenting as a male at work, because I know I'm a girl and am now very comfortable with that identity. As a person, I've never been into clothes, styles, fashion or status. I drive an older car, live in an older house, wear old clothes and completely enjoy life. I have a job that makes me so happy I skip and jump every day on my way to work. It's extremely fulfilling and rewarding and I have no intention of giving it up, as it brings me great joy. I'm living way below my means and am happy that way.

My point is, I don't feel any compelling need to have others accept me as a girl, as I do myself, so it doesn't matter to me what others think, which is consistent with how I've lived so far.

The progress I've made in the last year has deepened my love and devotion for her. If she left, I'm reasonably certain it would affect my will to live.

Having recognized my real problem all these years has cleared my brain, allowed me to think more clearly than ever, improved my work performance and allowed the real me to come out. The real me is kind, caring, loving and very interested in brightening the day of every single person I come into contact with. I'm such an "upper" person that you wouldn't want to be around me in the mornings if you're not a morning person. I'd make you sick with happiness and joy. In fact, I'm happier right now than I've ever been. Despite the fact that the journey ahead is so difficult and the road littered with obstacles, I believe it's nothing compared to the h*ll I've endured all these years with a brain in total conflict and living in a fog.

I'm learning to cry and have been doing it a lot lately, as this is a very difficult journey and there are many peaks and valleys. Crying has helped me greatly, as it really makes me feel better.

So, with that background, can any of you relate your own experiences regarding spouses/SOs and how HRT has affected your relationships?

Will I soon want to start dating? (ick) Will I become someone so totally different that I'm no longer interested in my true soul-mate? Will I now seek to be on the cover of Cosmo?

Hugs,

Yvonne

Yvonne

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Yvonne

Undergoing HRT will not change your personality. The inner core of your soul will not change. You will still be you. You will not become a different person. Also, your sexual orientation will not change. You should assure your wife that there will only be some changes on the outside. You will not change on the inside. Basically your exterior will soften as a result of HRT.

I wish you and your wife well. I am glad that she is accepting of you. She sounds like a wonderful woman.

I am glad that things are moving along for you, but I caution you to take things slow. This dynamic developing between you and your wife is one of the reasons to take things slowly. Everyone needs time to adjust. Your wife does and so do you.

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Yvonne, from everything I've read about HRT, and from all the posts of those undergoing its magic, Brenda is absolutely correct.

HRT will not change who you are, will not alter your personality to any noticeable degree. The hormones will make you more prone to

being emotional - Donna Jean says she cries a lot these days. But that's about it. So please reassure your wife that she isn;t losing

you, she is just gaining a spouse with the same personality, the same temperament, and the same love for her that her "husband" has.

Good luck and best wishes to both of you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yvonne.....

Hey, Honey....

I'll contribute some here!

Number one: We've known each other 45 years since my guitar playing Rock-N-Roll days!

We've been married 30 years last month!

Now....

When I came out to her last fall....was she shocked? Heck yeah!!!!!

DANG...I played the "Macho" card for so many years...my therapist said that I over-compensated for the dysphoria that was making me crazy...

When I told her, she looked at me like I had just landed from Mars...

That day she never cried.....But...I DID!...A LOT!

Remember, that was pre HRT!

Just the release of finally being true to myself released me form years of despair...

The tears flowed ....

I still like women...always did, so, it the strictest terms, that makes me a lesbian...Go figure

I still enjoy aviation ...my passion since I was very small...

I didn't get on hormones and just sit down and start knitting...

And I must tell you...months into HRT and with the testosterone gone...so is the anger, aggression, meaness and and all of the things that are the worst qualities in a man...

Now, I'm loving, compassionate, I talk and listen and help her and I've become a lot nicer person

She even told me that she likes me a lot better than "him" now....

Still got my motorcycle an pickup truck...

But, now I love to shop...and we do that together!

The funny thing is, Yvonne, that my therapist told me that if your sexual orientation changes after hormones...it was there all along...it was just repressed...

The same with many changes that take place...they were buried deep inside of you all along...the release of accepting yourself allows them to come to the surface...

I have a reputation as a Crybaby...It's true...I cry at the drop of a hat....but, you see?

I hadn't really cried for 40 years....

I'm belong to a group that most members are Transsexuals that are over 50 and many are married to their spouse since way back when! Many are post-op!

The trick of keeping it together during all of this, is to give her space to digest everything that will happen to you and be supportive of her....

You will go through many changes....so will she....don't leave her out of it!

Hope that I helped some, Sweetheart!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest yvonne]

Hi Yvonne

Undergoing HRT will not change your personality. The inner core of your soul will not change. You will still be you. You will not become a different person. Also, your sexual orientation will not change. You should assure your wife that there will only be some changes on the outside. You will not change on the inside. Basically your exterior will soften as a result of HRT.

I wish you and your wife well. I am glad that she is accepting of you. She sounds like a wonderful woman.

I am glad that things are moving along for you, but I caution you to take things slow. This dynamic developing between you and your wife is one of the reasons to take things slowly. Everyone needs time to adjust. Your wife does and so do you.

Brenda

Dear Brenda,

Thank you for good information. This is a risky venture for me, but not as risky as not doing it. I don't have a choice with my journey and find myself in quite a predicament. There's so much I don't understand yet and so much to learn. I'm not talking about learning to "blend in" with other women and my appearance so much as I am understanding myself, learning to control my newly released emotions, mental development AND bringing my wife along, too.

Right now, I have extremely high highs and what seems like devastating lows. There's much about my past and what's hidden in my brain that I need to get out and deal with.

My very nature says that, whatever I do, I must do with all my heart and soul. I've never been able to coast through life and never been able to do anything half way. I go as fast as I can, yet I realize that I must master one thing at a time and can't take the next step until I have the previous one right. There's no time clock and no final buzzer, except for the final buzzer that will come for all of us eventually.

The other night, I grilled burgers outside (one of my passions is cooking). I told my wife I had developed a new little refinement in the process. She howled with laughter and said, "You've been refining burgers for over 30 years, I can't believe you've found yet ANOTHER thing to improve on".

The wife is no different with my journey. A few days ago, she was very despondent about our future, yet yesterday she gave me a pair of her panties to try on because she said they were so comfortable. She said if I liked them, she'd buy me a bunch of them.

And so we both go.....up and down and back and forth. But I am determined that we go together and can only go as fast as the slowest member of the team and that won't always be the same one of us.

Thank you for your guidance, wisdom and concern.

I depend a lot on my beloved sisters here for support and help. I will say that I am a girl and I LOVE being a girl. Accepting this fact is the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life so far.

Big hugs for you,

Yvonne

[Carolyn Marie]

Yvonne, I know exactly how you feel. It is a difficult enough journey to begin with, but becomes an overwhelming task when you add in the

guilt and pain and anxiety when your spouse and children are involved in your transition.

Your wife and mine seem at about the same stage in their acceptance of our transitions. One day she says OK to my being dressed as Carolyn

around the house all day, the next day she is sad and wondering how we will ever survive my transition as a family unit, and what her

future will be like. Those days are especially sad for me, as I don't always have a great answer for her. Usually, all I can say is, I hope

everything will work out because I want us to be together and will do everything I can to make it happen. I know you have the same

kind of conversations with your wife.

You're right, too, about the need for support and love from our sisters and brothers on this site. Were it not for them, I would be in a

much darker place. We need to continue to share each others joys and pain, triumphs and failures, because we are a family and

we are here for each other.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest viv]

[

Hello Yvonne,

My word, 62 years of age, by your writing "style" I had you down as a lot younger than that and as Im typing this now , I know why,

your wonderful mind is still so young Yvonne , oh, I really do love that quality in people. About your wife, Yvonne, I recon she is worried about the

" unknown" . You see hun, all her life with you she has known who is coming in after work, its you , yes, you reassured her by your continuity, no

change in you , you know , get in from work , shower , eat , and if you wanted or needed to dress you did ,still, no surprises there , your wife is

constantly in the picture / you kept her there and thats her comfort zone and she is in control of that. Now, with hormones Yvonne, your wife is

going to see this as one big cosmic leap........into the unknown, her comfort zone is now gone , no control . but you know what , I recon the

situation is retrievable , what you got to do is to keep your wife updated, and I mean super updated , as soon as you feel different even

in tiny ways tell her /tell her everything as soon as possible , not like a report, but like she is your best friend sharing everything . I think this

may give your wife back her comfort zone and her trust in you will be unbreakable. People like you always find a way Yvonne or the Gods do it

for you , you see hun, you deserve that . luv, viv.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello Yvonne,

Now, with hormones Yvonne, your wife is

going to see this as one big cosmic leap........into the unknown, her comfort zone is now gone , no control . luv, viv.

Yes....Viv, you are so right and we all hate getting out of our comfort zone...

It is a big leap, I agree..

But, of course, one would not think of abandoning a spouse if they had a terrible accident and were physically different...

Transitioning is on a similar lever, but with more social stigma...

My wife also approached it from a logical viewpoint...we own our house, property and have bank accounts and there would be no reason to split all of that up....

And besides, she says that we are both too old for a boyfriend anymore.....LOL!

Huggs!

Donna Jean

[Guest Pammy]

It sounds to me like a touch of insecurity on her part. Try just holding her and reassuring her that you still love her, always will and nothing will ever change that. She may need that reassurance from you, out loud. My wife is going through the same feelings of impending loss and I am reassuring her as hard as I can long distance. I think it will work better once I can look her in the eye and SAY it. Try it, you have nothing to lose!

Love

Pam

[Guest yvonne]

It sounds to me like a touch of insecurity on her part. Try just holding her and reassuring her that you still love her, always will and nothing will ever change that. She may need that reassurance from you, out loud. My wife is going through the same feelings of impending loss and I am reassuring her as hard as I can long distance. I think it will work better once I can look her in the eye and SAY it. Try it, you have nothing to lose!

Love

Pam

Pammy,

First of all, welcome to our garden and enjoy meeting all our wonderful sisters. I'm so glad that you reached out to me and offered your help.

You'll find this to be a place of wonder and hope, with many caring girls here, each of us sharing our sorrows, dreams and victories with each other.

Your advice is right on the mark. I'm a very positive person, so positive in fact, that I'm proud to be stupid.... Yes, I'm too stupid to know that there are some things that can't be done and I end up doing them, anyway, because I didn't know I couldn't.

In my case, I tell my wife every day of my love for her. I always hold her and love her with my heart. When I was on a recent business trip, I called her multiple times a day. Before my "awakening", I called once a day and it was generally quite short and often abrupt.

She even commented during one of our wonderful phone calls how much she enjoyed the calls and how much better our relationship has been since our "talk" (when I came out to her about a month ago). I've just started therapy and hormones are imminent.

The real problem is that she maintains that hormones will change me completely and she fears my interests will change. She fears I'll love another trans-woman (because we'll have so much in common) or that I'll want a man of my own. (I've always been asexual and not at all interested in sex, neither is my wife). This cannot be overcome with anything I can say or do right now.

Letting my girl side out has increased my emotions a great deal (that's an understatement) and I'm learning to enjoy it. I do really enjoy just being with my wife. This is like falling in love all over again. I look at this as I must court her again and win her heart as the new me. This doesn't happen overnight, nor should I expect it to.

It's a long, slow process that I undertake with great devotion. The best part is, it makes me feel really good to be expressing myself so much. I'm becoming very emotional over the joy I'm experiencing and it's important that I keep her interest so she can begin to hope and believe. Only time will heal her fears and I'm working every day to use as much of that time as I can to show her how much I care. I can't just say it, I have to show it with everything I do.

I do the cooking in our house and I got flowers this week to adorn our dinner plates, for a better presentation. I've selected special menu items. This is really helping me bring out the real girl in me.

So, I look at this great adversity the only way I know how--take my greatest weakness and turn it into my greatest strength. Use all the girl within me to cultivate the relationship and to stress relationships and caring at every moment. I even watch all the dancing, singing and entertainment shows with her that I never would before...

I'm making her love the girl in me and show her the girl is more appealing than the guy who tells her to shut up, it's 3rd down and short in the red zone!

So, thank you for caring about me and I appreciate your advice. It's right on.

A hug of welcome for you,

HUG,

Yvonne

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Yvonne I dont think it is practical or reasonable to try to learn everything about this condition before you begin the journey. I learned what I could, took a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig risk the day I came out to my wife(nearly lost her too) and still didnt know everything the day I began HRT. I will concur with the other women here, that i cry all too easily now (making up for 40 or so years of not doing so maybe), I am happier, calmer, more loving, more giving and way more emotional than I ever was. Yes technically I am a lesbian, and thats how I identify, not sure how my wife feels about that point. There are some in town who see us that way but yeah so what (this town is strange anyway).

Give your wife all the time and space she needs to digest what is happening, let her see the new you and how much of a change it has made. Eventually she may come to the conclusion that your transition wasnt all bad since the person you are now is way better than the one you were.

MHO & hugs